NHL Awards 2010 Recap

7:30 PM - Awards open with Snoop Dogg ..uh, rapping. His shirt's got an old NHL logo. Y'know. The orange one with the downward sloping letters. Also a bunch of numbers. Travis Barker's on the drums. Even my closed captioning doesn't know what the fuck Snoop's saying. Probably something about ass. They got some clips of hockey stuff going on though.

7:32 - Introducing everyone at the show. Nice to hear "Ron MacLean" and "Ed Olczyk" are NHL legends. Also Cirque du Soleil performing to The Beatles. That's hockey.

7:34 - Oh hey, it's Jay Mohr. Talking about Keno. That's also hockey. Also said "Cindy Crosby." Makes a Phoenix joke. Nice. Also claims he loves hockey now. Okay.

7:35 - "Laugh it up, Bruins fans, we laughed at you in the playoffs." Nice job. Also showed Bettman laughing. That makes me cry.

7:38 - Jay Mohr introduces Mark Wahlberg for the Calder Trophy. ("HEY CALDER TROPHY. HOW'S IT GOING? WE SHOULD DO A MOVIE TOGETHER. ....SAY HI TO YOUR MOTHER FOR ME.") Have to say, Jay Mohr did a good job with the jokes. The exchanges with the Sedins was quality.

7:41 - Tyler Myers wins the Calder. He deserves it. Still feel Jimmy was robbed and voters were hypnotized by Tyler's size more than anything.

7:43 - Tyler Myers is still talking. They're trying to play him off with the music. Also realizing Tyler Myers' neck is taller than I am.

7:44 - Luc Robitaille and Natasha Henstridge presenting the Selke award. A little awkward.

7:45 - DAT'S MY BOY! Datsyuk wins the Selke. No question. Now we get a Datsyuk speech! "I want to thank the management for paying me. I wish you'd never stop." Hahahaha.

7:47 - Showing Henrik Sedin with the Art Ross Trophy.

7:49 - George Strombolipopolopodopolous interviewing Patricks Sharp and Kane in some d-bag lounge. Kaner's lost his mullet, thank God. Still a douche. He's a manwhore. He's gonna get drunk with that showgirl later...and beat her up for change.

7:50 - Cirque du Soleil performing to The Beatles. I ...I just don't know.

7:53 - CDS just ended. Thank God, I have no idea what's going on. Feels like I have a hair in my mouth. Oh hey, it's Jay Mohr.

7:54 - Ron MacLean and Ted Lindsay about to hand out the Ted Lindsay Award.

7:56 - AO! Ovie wins the Ted Lindsay Award! Russian machine never break...and doesn't lose. Except in the playoffs. Dedicates the trophy to his dead brother. That's sweet.

7:57 - Black guy from "Daily Line" shows up, but Ovie wasn't done. Finishes speech, now black guy talks.

7:59 - Presentation about the Vancouver Winter Olympics, a comedy skit featuring Bobby Ryan and Ryan Getzlaf. About Getzlaf being a dick to Bobby because of his "silver." Dammit, why'd I giggle? I hate Ryan Getzlaf.

8:02 - Stamkos and Crosby presented with the Rocket Richard Trophy. Stamkos is very white. Rosby is very woman.

8:06 - John Slattery coming out to present the Jack Adams. I liked Joe Sacco better when he sang for the Mighty Mighty Bosstones.

8:07 - Absolutely no surprise, Dave Tippett wins the Jack Adams Award. Maybe Barry Trotz could win it some day if he got a neck. Tippett: "This is a time where people stand up and thank their owners, I would do that, but I don't know all 29 of them." Ouch!

8:09 - DB Sweeney and Jamie Kennedy presenting the Vezna...er. That's Vezina, Jamie. Awkward banter. Kennedy was playing blackjack, apparently. DB wins the "faceoff" to name the winner.

8:11 - OH FUCK YES! RYAN MILLER WINS THE VEZINA! The pride of East Lansing! Michigan pride, baby, all day. Drew Miller gets a shoutout in the acceptance speech.

8:14 - Marty Brodeur with the Jennings Trophy. As soon as that lady gets done interviewing him with it, he's going to eat it. And her. And not sexually.

8:19 - Jay Mohr with a Tracy Morgan impression. Random. Oh, now a Shinedown performance. Time to go take a leak.

8:31 - Apologies. I went to eat. Missed the Masterton Trophy award...went to Jose Theodore, who I understand gave an emotional speech. Now Jay Mohr in a bad Norm MacDonald impression introduces Jerry Bruckheimer, who is introducing the King Clancy trophy.

8:34 - It goes to Shane Doan for his leadership/community presence. Some Army dudes are presenting him with the actual hardware. Cool beans. Humble dude, not afraid to poke fun at Phoenix's situation either.

8:36 - Ugh. Hawks with the Cup. Like watching a frat guy fondle your ex.

8:38 - Some people from some ABC show introducing the Lady Byng Trophy. Closed caption said "Leddybing." Interesting.

8:40 - Marty St. Louis wins the Lady Byng. Not surprised; highest points to PIMs ratio in the league. Fifth straight nomination, first win. Owes it to Brad Richards, because "Christmas cards to the referees work real well." Marty St. Louis is a funny guy. HIGHLY underrated.

8:41 - Crosby wins the Messier Leadership Award. What is this, I don't- Crosby? A leader? "Lead the NHL since the lockout"? ARE YOU BLOODY KIDDING ME. At least Crosby admitted when he looks for leadership, he looks to Steve Yzerman. Then again, so has everyone else in the past 20 goddamn years. He's only the most complete player...no, complete MAN ever.

8:45 - Oh gross, it's Ed Olczyk. Wonder if he's gonna show us his Blackhawks thong. Ed Olczyk is a really close talker. JR: "If you had to sit next to Mike Milbury and listen to him talk for four hours, you'd cry too." HAHAAHAHA.

8:47 - Duncan Keith wins the Norris. Again, no surprise. That's like putting up a human being versus a raccoon and a trash can in a "What's Taller" contest.

8:49 - They're cutting off Dunks with the music. He says "FUCK YOU I'M STILL TALKING." Suck it, awards show protocol.

8:50 - Ryan Miller wins the NHL Foundation Award and accepts a big novelty check from Gary Bettman. Funny, the check is actually bigger than the commissioner...it probably makes better decisions, too.

8:51 - Jay Mohr's brilliant Christopher Walken impression into a Goo Goo Dolls performance. John Rzeznik looks very drunk, but I love the Goos, so all is well.

8:54 - Convinced John Rzeznik is drunk. He looks even more like a lesbian than he did 10 years ago.

8:57 - Guy LaFleur out to announce the winner of the Hart Trophy.

8:59 - Guy LaFleur announces da weener of d'Art Mem'reel Trophy is HENRIK SEDDIN. Er...Sedin. Good job. Henrik basically also tells his brother to "suck it."

9:01 - S'IT, GOOD NIGHT.

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Let's see how I did.

HART TROPHY:
I predicted: Henrik Sedin
Who won: Henrik Sedin

VEZINA TROPHY:
I predicted: Ryan Miller
Who won: Ryan Miller

CALDER TROPHY:
I predicted: Jimmy Howard
Who won: Tyler Myers

LADY BYNG TROPHY:
I predicted: Martin St. Louis
Who won: Martin St. Louis

SELKE TROPHY:
I predicted: Pavel Datsyuk
Who won: Pavel Datsyuk

JACK ADAMS TROPHY:
I predicted: Dave Tippett
Who won: Dave Tippett

MASTERTRON TROPHY:
I predicted: I didn't.
Who won: Jose Theodore

TED LINDSAY AWARD:
I predicted: Sidney Crosby
Who won: Alex Ovechkin

MESSIER LEADERSHIP AWARD:
I predicted: Shane Doan
Who won: Sidney Crosby

All in all, either these awards were very predictable, or I made smart picks. Sidney Crosby can suck it regarding the Leadership award, because Shane Doan got a leadership award too, and his was presented by real live fucking soldiers. Tyler Myers was worthy of the Calder, but if it were me, I would've voted for Jimmah. But hey, the good news is now he doesn't have to live up that post-Calder hype like Steve Mason could not do.

Also? Jay Mohr. Funny. A lot better than anyone thought he would be. Good jokes, impressions not terrible. Still questioning Cirque du Soleil, but whatever. Good show. Better than last year.