Hostis Humani Generis.

So...

...hey, Wings fans...

...how's things? All's good? No? I didn't think so. Today sucks. The Chicago Blackhawks have won the Stanley Cup. CHICAGO. You know, the team that in all 80+ years of existence have only managed three four Stanley Cups, this one in in 2010 and the last in 1961?

Furthermore, Marian Hossa has won the Stanley Cup. Marian freakin' Hossa. You know, the guy who's a pretty good player during the regular season, but his postseason bed has been shat in so many times, you'd think it was located in Betty White's house? Yeah, that guy. The glory chaser...has a yellow visor?

Hockey season is done for the year, and for the second straight year, a fanbase made mostly of bandwagoners and fairweather fans will get to cheer as their team brings home hockey's ultimate prize and we're subject to months of "HAHAHA WINGS FANS SUCK IT DEAD WINGS U GOLF U GOLF U GOLF". Let's face it, things kind of blow right now.

And that's kind of why I picked this time to start this blog, because things can't really get any worse, and I believe Gandhi said it best when he said, "High holy living dick, what the FUCK is this shit?!"

But the good lord knows you can't live your life being negative. So let's swallow the bile creeping up in our throats and offer a congratulations to all the Blackhawks fans who have stood by their team, even when they sucked. So to all four of you, I say congratulations. Savor the moment. Because when cap hell hits you in the summer, you're fucked, buddies.

Let's take a little solace in the fact that the NHL's Central division is once again the most dominant, even if the stupidest fart-sniffing team in the division won it all. So yes! West is best, and the East can suck it. The Wings fans who backed their division to the Cup made the right choice. Unfortunately, you backed Chicago, which is a sin. And for those who are still excited, calling Kane and others "your boys", or by saying "WE won", you're suspended from the Red Wings fanbase until further notice. Patrick Kane should never be anyone's boy, because he's mean to cabbies. And a douche. And he has a mullet. And I have this authority.

The Chicago Blackhawks are one of the NHL's most historically bad franchises, and this year's Cup wins definitely puts them on the list of hockey's elite. I mean, Christ, you won a Stanley Cup for the first time in nearly 50 years. That puts you guys on a list of puck powerhouses like the Tampa Bay Lightning and the Calgary Flames! AND you did it in the salary cap era, so you're even up there with the Carolina Hurricanes! You guys should be super proud of yourselves!

Let's not forget to mention all of the "Dead Things suck" and other various totally clever Red Wings-related chants and insults are completely warranted now. Never mind the fact that you only have four Stanley Cup wins in your history (the same as we have in the last 13 years), never mind the fact this is only your third straight year making the playoffs (we have 19), never mind the fact that the Blackhawks have a historically losing record in both the playoffs and regular season, YOU are the Stanley Cup champions! And I know, you see all these stats I've just shown, and you say "it's irrelevant, Mr. Red Wings man, as a Blackhawks fan, I don't live in the past, I live in the present!" to which I say SMART MOVE! If I were a Blackhawks fan, I wouldn't want to live in the past either, because...well, come on. That's not even because most current Hawks fans have no knowledge of the team prior to 2007.

But hey. It's a new season coming up. Shit, we got the draft. That's gonna be exciting, especially when we draft before Chicago, who will no doubt draft a total bust. It's a lot easier to get super special players when you draft in the top 5 every year, eh? We also have July 1st, which will be like fucking Christmas when the current Blackhawks squad enters CAP HELL. Enjoy that.

But seriously (and I mean this), and on a far less bitter note, I do know a few Blackhawks fans who have been so as long as I've known them. Enjoy it, guys. Lord knows you've waited long enough, and there's really nothing cooler than seeing those fans rewarded after all the disappointment they've had to endure, especially amongst the bandwagoners and fairweather fans. It sucks for us Wings fans, seeing you hoist that Cup just across the lake, but rest assured it will be ours next year.

And at least Marian Hossa didn't score the winning goal.

And at least Sidney Crosby didn't win it again.

And at least it stays in the Original Six.

And at least it stays in the West.

And finally, at least we didn't have to hear fucking "Chelsea Dagger" again. Thank Christ.

See you at the draft. Red Wings for LIFE.