The Crying Jordan is inescapable. You feel it coming, like in Jurassic Park, when the glass of water has ripples.
Someone loses a sports game? That's a ripple.
A shitty celebrity gets comeuppance? Ripple.
The Toronto Maple Leafs do anything at all? Ripple.
The ripples reveal themselves when you refresh your Twitter homepage after viewing whatever event gave you the ripple. Within 30 seconds - someone has photoshopped Crying Jordan onto it...and it's always good.
Rarely do we have memes of such longevity and universal acclaim, and rarely do we have memes that are used so prolifically, and yet not feel forced. It is a very real possibility that 20 years from now, kids will watch Space Jam and think "oh that's what he looks like when he's not crying", and they will also be amazed that he was once, arguably, the greatest basketball player of all time, and not just a disembodied crying head. And they'll probably still wonder why Bill Murray was there too.
In the spirit of the meme, and in the spirit of hockey (which is why this blog was once a thing), I decided to undertake the task of compiling a list.
What if every NHL team's logo was re-imagined as Crying Jordan?
For some, it would be fitting. For some, it would just be confusing. But for all, it would be a gigantic waste of time. So without further ado:
The Anaheim Ducks are a team full of garbage and trash, and for some reason, they employ a giant Rat Boy who likes to eat garbage and lives in a nest of his own pubic hair. His best friend, ironically, has no hair and may or may not be Grimace from McDonaldland except he painted himself a weird color, and probably huffed a bunch of that paint too.
For those reasons, and the fact that they are bad, Crying Jordan is a good fit for their logo. And Ryan Getzlaf still can't score
The Arizona Coyotes always seem to be on the verge of relocating, only to stay put - a constant fluctuation of homeless homefulness. Homefulness isn't really a word, but nobody is reading this anyway, so I don't care. Poop poop fart fart. Crying Jordan.
Remember when the Bruins gave up two goals in 17 seconds to the Blackhawks even though Patrice Bergeron is allegedly the best player in the world according to nonbiased fans?
If that doesn't call for Crying Jordan, I don't know what does. You blew it. You literally blew it. The fates burned you, and you burned you. Congratulations, you played yourself. That is why you are the Crying Jordan. Also, Zdeno Chara is old. Kevan Miller.
In 1999, we would have photoshopped Crying Jordan onto Dominik Hasek's face
And Ryan Miller's face like eight years later.
The Crying Jordan would be a good substitute for the ol Buffaslug.
Calgary is known for their "Red Mile", which is what you would also have if you put a mile of Michael Jordan's bloodshot eyes in a row.
Other than that, who knows. Is Calgary even a real place? We may never know.
I actually didn't adjust anything here. This is their actual logo. Just a hole of sadness. It is a fun time going down to see the Cryolina Jordicanes.
It makes even more sense when you remember they have a player named Michal Jordan. The fact he doesn't wear 23, however, makes their Crying Jordan logo even cry-ier.
Once upon a time, Crychael Jordan (his formal name) played for the Chicago Bulls of the National Basket Ball League, who Did The Thing in the same arena as the Chicago Blackhawks. There's even a statue of him out front of the United Center, which features him dunking monstrously on lesser fools, who, presumably, would have Jordan's own crying face shooped upon them. Can one dunk upon one's own visage? The answer, my friends, is "well....well, yeah".
The Avalanche are bad.
COLUMBUS BLUE JACKETS
I didn't know this was a team anymore, I'm sorry. I've got nothing to write here. I knew they were bad at one point, and I thought they just kind of went off to go get milk at the gas station and just didn't come back. Anyway, Crying Jordan.
But Seriously, Folks
DETROIT RED WINGS
The Detroit Red Wings are the perfect sports franchise. A long history of success, devoted ownership, intelligent management, good coaching, legendary players, and a ceiling full of banners. The Red Wings have longevity - as does the Crying Jordan.
And like the Crying Jordan, the only people who legitimately hate the Red Wings are just confused and weird and must be avoided and cordoned off and pointed at and laughed at. The Red Wings are great.
Do not draft a corn dog next year, just go buy one like a normal human being
i like cats
LOS ANGELES KINGS
Michael Jordan was an elite basketball player, in the same way that Jonathan Quick is not an elite goaltender. Also, we abolished the monarchy in America 250 years ago. Get with the program, already. This is America. Not Tearoom England. Pip pip Cheerio, my ass. We drive monster trucks.
What exactly about the Wild is "wild" exactly? Like, your color scheme and logo looks like something you'd throw up after you ate Animal Fries at In N Out. Getting food sickness isn't wild, it's tragic. How dare you mock people who just came out to have a good time, putting a mediocre product on the ice and poking at them "hey, this is what it'd look like if you threw up right now". Throwing up isn't fun. It's traumatic. You disgust me.
hon hon hon baguette du jour mon frere tabarnac hon hon eiffel tower 24 cups le but oui oui cigarettes et wine oui oui ze cheese she stinks
yeah whatever 24 cups. real easy to win when you're the only team in the league for 40 years in the 1700s, grandpa
It's gotta be a hell of a thing to have an actually talented team, but you dress like a bottle of mustard every day. Like, what if you hate mustard? What if you're a hot sauce person? No, you gotta parade this mustard-ass jersey out every night and have people look at you. Damn, this dude look like a hot dog. Mustard-ass hot dog. People coming at you after the game, "yo man, you like mustard on your food too? Hell yeah", but you don't. You never did. Your whole life is a lie.
NEW JERSEY DEVILS
The New Jersey Devils were named after the so called Jersey Devil, which is said to live in the Pine Barrens and it looks like a horse with bat wings. Instead of giving you a cool logo like THAT, they put devil horns on a letter. Like that's real threatening, we put a devil tail on the same letter. Ooooh. A spooky J. Like wuhhhh. That's stupid. You're stupid. Crying Jordan is better.
NEW YORK ISLANDERS
Until they moved to Brooklyn, the Islanders played inside a Flea Market approximately 69 miles from the nearest town. Everyone driving by it though it was a corn silo.
But, alas, there was no corn.
NEW YORK RANGERSI know it's not Crying Jordan, but .... I mean, c'mon.
Every player on the Ottawa Senators looks like the type of dude who reads Japanese cartoon porn in the bookstore
Maybe the actual color of the Flyers is medi-ochre.
That's a very funny joke.
Brought to you by Wawa™. Wawa™: Get On This Jawn®.
Man, none of these dudes are actual penguins. That's the most disappointing thing about this. Come to think of it, none of these team names are what they say they are. None of Ottawa's guys are involved in legislature. Nobody on Edmonton is made of oil. Except Connor McDavid, he looks greasy.
Anyway, Sidney Crosby mayonnaise yada yada something whatever
SAN JOSE SHARKS
Remember when the Sharks wanted to sign Mike Modano? And then it turned out that Mike Modano was a huge doofus?
That would've been perfect. You think of Joe Thornton said he'd crank it in front of families if he scored four goals, and you know Mike Modano would start furiously wanking if he scored *a* goal. Or farted. Definitely the latter.
Anyway, Joe Pavelski's head looks like a piece of pizza.
ST. LOUIS BLUES
/long fart noise/
TAMPA BAY LIGHTNING
TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS
It's true. Go look it up if you don't believe me.
all fear the Maple Suck Americahats.
anyway, the Canucks are perpetually bad and their color scheme is bad.
Alex Ovechkin is the best hockey player on the planet and the fact that 99% of his team is garbage and he hasn't won a cup yet has me like
the logo on the left
lol more like loseipeg jets.
What a waste of time this was.
I'll just go jump off a bridge now.