Monday, December 27, 2010

400.



Congrats, buddy. You earned it.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

We take a break from your regularly scheduled nothing...

I realize that I've been neglectful of Beards of War lately (late semester shenanigans and finals studying really takes away from my slackin' off time), and for that, for those who read this and like it, I apologize. For everyone else, why are you here?

But I would just like to take this moment to say Nicklas Lidstrom is amazing. Career hat trick number....one. In game number 1,442. I mean who DOES that? Oh yeah. Lidstrom does.

Congrats, Nick. And thanks for the curly fries.

TEE PEE AITCH! TEE PEE AITCH! TEE PEE AITCH! TEE PEE AITCH!

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Let My People Go - and by people, I mean Curly Fries

I'm certain I don't need to go into any detail explaining the massive popularity of #OperationCurlyFries, since most of you visit this blog from Twitter. Just in case though, I'll give you the briefest rundown I can:

Arby's changed our hat trick reward from curly fries to a Jr. Roast Beef Sandwich. We want our fries back.

Now, I personally feel that a Jr. Roast Beef isn't a horrible thing to get for something that only happens in about 5% of hockey games. But as it has been said time and time again, it just doesn't seem right. After all, it's been curly fries for ages. When a player has two goals, they're thinking curly fries. They're not thinking "roast beef". That sounds perverted, too.

Surely it's not a cost-cutting measure. Each of those items is what, a buck and a half? And like I said, it's something that happens in maybe 5% of hockey games. Of course, our percentage could be higher if the Wings were given powerplay opportunities for all the ridiculous stick fouls on Datsyuk (or really anyone) every time he enters the offensive zone that never get called for whatever reason.

Bottom line: We need curly fries. It's like replacing Dick York with Dick Sargent on "Bewitched". Sure, he gets the job done, but it's not the same. He doesn't even look the same. Dick Sargent looks like a jerk. He's smug. How are they gonna change Darrens on us like that? I *LIKED* Dick York. Plus, Dick Sargent? His name sounds like a 5th grade playground insult. "HEY DICK SARGENT. YOU GONNA GO SARGENT ...A DICK?" Yeah, I know. It's "sergeant", but whatever.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

The Dallas Stars: Why They're Worse Than Glenn Beck

(Note: I'd been working on this ages ago, and just finished it. It's old stale news by now, but I finished it for my roommate, who wanted to see it done....eventually)

No doubt by now, you've read or at least heard of Yahoo Sports being integrated with something called "Associated Content." For those not in the know, I'll break it down like this. Associated Content is a lot like Fox News. Sure, it's in the "news" section, and at first it looked like informative articles by someone in the know, but when you actually come to read it and see what the person has to say, you'll soon realize it's nothing but the biggest load of shit you've ever read in your life, and you wonder if the article you've just read is going to give you tumors all over your body or make you as incredibly stupid as the author.

What riled up a bunch of Red Wings fans was an article by "freelance writer" Sherri Thornhill (A Dallas Stars fan) entitled "The Detroit Red Wings: Why I hate this obnoxious hockey team."

The article is chock full of the most dead-on observations one can find about the Red Wings, such as that players like Nicklas Lidstrom "lack class", are "arrogant" and "suck ass." Sherri's got our boys nailed when she says the Wings "prance on and off the ice", and play "boring hockey."

But the pinnacle of this piece of journalistic mastery is when Sherri says Red Wings fans are, and I quote: "...some of the least knowledgeable, obnoxious, arrogant group of wannabe hockey fans I've ever had the displeasure of meeting" and that we "are more interested in getting drunk at the games than to actually watch the game."

Wow. I mean, just wow. She's right though, all of the Red Wings fans I know are incredibly stupid when it comes to hockey. We can't even name half of our team! We sure as hell couldn't name half the guys on our AHL team. Jesus, do we even know what icing is? Doesn't that shit go on a cake?

But in all serious, Sherri Thornhill, if everything's bigger in Texas, does that account for your amount of balls and/or sheer idiocy? If by freelance writer, do you mean "hate-filled bitch without an ounce of integrity and the world's biggest chip on her shoulder"? I'm not sure who pissed in your Corn Flakes that morning, but I guarantee it wasn't a Red Wings fan. We respect cereals, because Corn Flakes are produced in the great state of Michigan.

Can I ask where you got your research? Can I ask what constitutes 'exciting hockey'? Is playing defensively-sound hockey 'boring'?

Is 'exciting hockey' defined by ONLY big hits and porous defensive play? Is that only in Dallas? Then it's no wonder your team's missed the playoffs the last couple seasons.

"Arrogance in breathing"? Wait, you mean literally? Oh man, I'm such a pompous asshole because my organs need oxygen to function.

Seriously, do people call them the "Dead Wings" still? You ARE aware that was a term used when the team was mired in failure during the 70s and 80s right? You're aware the team had made the playoffs for nearly 20 straight seasons and in 25 of the last 27 seasons, right? What exactly makes them "Dead"? Is it the fact they're too old? That's gotta be it. That's why they're "Dead", it's because they're too old! ...just like they have been for the past 15 years. And despite their ridiculous ages (Nicklas Lidstrom is 75 years old), they still continue to win. Explain that to me, because me a stupid fan. Me no know what a puck is. Y dat man wear a visor? Why don't they do dis sport on pavement wif rolla skatez? Does a puck to the face feel good? TELL ME SHERRI, I'M A MORON.

Detroit's won 4 Cups since 1955...and 4 since 1997! Which is it, guys? If only they could be legitimate contenders like the Stars AND win as many Cups as them! Th-...oh. Yeah, about that...

I would swear this bitch is trolling if it weren't so obvious.

So, in the spirit of Sherri's journalistic integrity, Beards of War is proud to present a totally non-opinion piece on my ...uh, fact-finding journey into things that are totally and completely true about the Dallas Stars. It's called "The Dallas Stars: Why They're Worse Than Glenn Beck." If I'm lucky (and by lucky, I mean if I sign up and pretend I'm a legitimate writer and not a total hackjob), Yahoo will publish it in Associated Content!

1. The Dallas Stars practically GAVE us Mike Modano - Seriously, here you have a guy who was drafted back in the late 80s, is the team leader in almost EVERY category (especially since the team moved from Minnesota to fuckin' Texas in the 90s), was the face of the team, is the all-time American scoring leader and a sure-fire hall-of-famer....and you let him go. Seriously, Sherri, that's totally our bad. We went to Joe Nieuwendyk and we were all "Hey, don't resign your legend. Don't resign the guy who grew hockey in Texas." After all, you needed the space for *BRANDON SEGAL*. Who? Yeah, who indeed.

Oh wait, that never happened. Nope. Mo was shown the door. Nothing more than a "see ya" and a "thanks for the memories" as he was cast off into free agency, only to be scooped up by his REAL hometown and given one last run toward glory. Yeah, that was totally our bad. How dare we?

God, we're assholes.

2. The Dallas Stars practically gave Marty Turco to Chicago - No, seriously, I'm still pissed off about that. Even though he played for Dallas, Marty Turco was still my favorite goalie. And then YOU let him go too. Another franchise leader, boom, out the door to go to a team that had their shit decimated by the salary cap. A team that ALSO has no chance to win the Stanley Cup. Turco went from Barbecue Country to Barbecued Country (get it? Cuz Chicago was decimated by that fire those many years ago? LOLOLOL stupid).

3. Dallas fans don't think Paul Bissonnette is funny - Unthinkable! No, seriously, they don't. They think his Twitter feed is a load of bullshit and painfully unfunny. They wonder what all the fuss is about. They find him "completely unprofessional" and they believe that nothing he says has any merit or comedic value because of "his poor grammar and spelling", which is TOTALLY ironic since they live in Texas. They believe he's nothing more than an insensitive illiterate who deserves our scorn and protection rather than laughter and t-shirt money. Dallas fans also hate the homeless and love PT Cruisers. Boom.

4. The Dallas Stars are the reason you didn't get that promotion - Yeah, you know, you work all day in a dead-end job makin' 7 bucks an hour, sweating and bleeding for the man. You tote that barge, lift that bale. It's a bleak outlook. But there's a light at the end of a tunnel; granted, it's a pinhole's width wide, but dammit it's there. You think "man, if I can just show my work ethic, the boss'll take notice and promote me the hell out of here and I'll have a nice cushy desk job. And I'll keep working my way up and eventually, I'll own the company!" Yeah well, it ain't happening. Know why? The Dallas Stars. It just so happens that Steve Ott told your boss that you're a raging homo and you were making advances toward all the rest of the male staff. He said you even tried to shove the water cooler up your ass. So not only did you NOT get that promotion, you were put on unpaid vacation in order to "sort your life out" and "get help." Next thing you know, your wife is leaving you because "you can't deal with your feelings", and she's taking the kids. You know who you have to blame for that? The Dallas Stars. Jeff Woywitka thinks you're a fruitcake too, which is weird, because he doesn't even know you. Nobody really knows who he is either.

Also, your company was also owned by the Dallas Stars, too, somehow. That's why they wanted you to seek psychiatric help for being gay. I mean, who does that? That's hateful.

5. Dallas Stars fans try to hit your children on the sidewalks with their Range Rovers - It's true. We've all seen it. You're walking down the street with your little son or daughter - it's a nice day, not a cloud in the sky. Or maybe you're watching out your window as your little child sells lemonade for 5 cents a cup. You know you're losing money, but you don't care because it's cute. They even got the backwards "e" at the end of the word "lemonade." They even spelled "lemonade" with a "6" in there too, somehow. Maybe your kid's a little slow in the head, I dunno, but whatever, it's still cute. Then all of a sudden, some jacknut driving a Range Rover comes driving down your street at like, 80 MPH. It's all decked out in Stars logos and stickers of Steve Yzerman getting kicked in the face. It has a bumper sticker that says "My other car is a purple PT Cruiser with flames on it". The license plate says "DETSUX" or "1CUP99" or "TOMHICKS" or "DEFAULT". ..."ASSMILK." The driver's up on the curb, talking on their cellphone about how much Detroit sucks an how everyone's bed has a chalk line around it. They smash the shoddy handywork your child was using to hock beverages, leaving nothing but a pile of mulch. Driving away from the scene, the driver sticks their head out the window, displaying their tremendous bald spot (which is very uncommon for a 28-year old woman, but hey, she's a Stars fan) and pockmarked face and shouts "HAHA I KNOCKED OVER YOUR GAY LITTLE STAND. DETROIT SUCKS", which is kind of weird, considering you live in New York. And all Dallas Stars fans do that. All of them.

6. Andrew Raycroft - Nuff said.

7. Dallas Stars' female writers look like dudes - Oh man. You ever see a chick writer who covers the Stars? Not just the professional ones, but the freelance ones too. Holy shit, take a look at those broads. You think my beard is awesome? Look at those bitches. Everyone one of 'em is Al Borland with a vagina. Especially this chick, Sherri Thornhill? Oh my god, dude. WOOF. ARF ARF. BOW WOW. Get this bitch a Milk-Bone. Talk about getting beat about the face with the ugly stick. Except in her case, she looks more like she fell down ten flights of ugly stairs, landed face-first on the ugly nail, got the ugly tetanus shot, walked outside only to be blasted in the face with the ugly flamethrower, got ugly skin-graft surgery with ugly skin, then got kicked in the face with the ugly horseshoe from an ugly horse named Ugly Ugly. Seriously, she does look like she got kicked in the face though. And she has a penis. An ugly penis. With one ball. And enough ugly pubic hair to choke an ugly elephant.

And finally, the last item on our list...

8. Dallas Stars fans eat babies - Their dirtiest secret revealed. In between sessions of pretending fans of any Texas sport are loyal, Stars fans go out, find babies, barbecue them, and eat them. They even eat the diapers. They consider it and its contents as a side dish. And why not? They and their team have been eating shit for years. Seriously, though. Babies. You'd think in a state where beef is king, they'd eat more beef...but no. Babies. Barbecued children. Now you know why they're always trying to run your kids over with those damn Range Rovers. Granted, it's not the cleanest way of taking out your target, but...I mean, I guess people do take home and clean deer that they hit with THEIR car. Except usually, hitting deer is an accident.

The end. Thanks for reading this expose put together by the Beards of War crew. We find it's necessary to counter the outrageous, ridiculous, baseless and hurtful claims of a so-called "writer" with totally true, not made-up, well thought-out, no BS, non-slanderous, non-biased arguments.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

HEY WISNIEWSKI, THERE ARE CHILDREN WATCHING.

Oh hey, remember yesterday during the Rangers/Islanders game when James Wisniewski made a "colorful" gesture to noted douchebag and fashionista Sean Avery? Here it is, in case you live under a cock- er...I mean, a rock.



Ohoho. Wiz, you character. That's not how you eat a push pop! You gotta push it from the bottom. You get more fruity goodness that way. Or maybe he's trying to show Avery how to properly use a Shake Weight. I mean, shit, that thing shreds your forearms. Makes you huge. No, you know what it is? Wiz was doing Santa Claus karaoke. HO HO HO~ HO HO HO. I mean, Sean Avery IS an elf, right? Right?

All kidding aside, the NHL has set the precedent this season that they will crack down on shenanigans. Evil shenanigans, like what Wiz did above. That evil shit will get you benched for two games. However, they're still going to be a little light on "fun" shenanigans. Y'know. Like in the video below:


Boys will be boys! Those kinds of cute things...oh, hockey players. See, that gets a two game suspension as well. So seriously, we must ask ourselves, deep down, we must know..."what the FUCK?!"

I just think it's terrible we're fans of a sport whose main officiating body sees the two events shown above as being equal in terms of discipline. I mean, how do we explain that to our children? How do we explain the motion Wiz was making? I mean, Jesus, when I watch a fucking hockey game with my hypothetical children, when we see someone get flattened by a dirty hit and lay on the ice for minutes while they bleed and lose teeth, we all cheer that as part of the game. That's totally okay. But when I see someone give Sean Avery the business with a dirty gesture, that just tears my fake family apart. The kids cry. The dog barks. The cat pukes. I yell at my wife. She screams at me with her super-high shrill bitch voice. She makes fun of my penis. I tell her her vagina looks like Andre the Giant's armpit. She threatens me with a restraining order and she takes my fake kids out to fake Illinois to live with her fake parents while she "sorts her fake life out." I eventually fall into despair and lose all my money gambling on termite races in a back alley and am forced to support my habit by performing unspeakable acts on traveling salesmen - JUST AS LONG AS I DON'T MIME IT, GOD FORBID.

Look, I get that there are kids watching. I also get that there are adults and parents watching. The NHL is not your fucking babysitter. It's not up to them to explain every little thing to your child; every little questionable thing that MAY show up, every gesture, every word, every hit. It's up to you as a parent to explain and guide and protect your own children. Unless you're a brand new fan or a bandwagoner, you know exactly what to expect when you watch a hockey game, ESPECIALLY when it's between two old rivals. You expect fights, violence, and a bit of unsportsmanlike conduct. It's hockey for Christ's sake. If you sit down with your kids to watch a game, YOU have to be the parent. If you don't feel up to the challenge, either a.) don't be a parent, or b.) change the channel.

Think about this; which would you rather have your child "re-enacting"? Mimicking a blowjob? Or would you rather have them running kids from behind and breaking their foreheads open? Jesus, I can't even believe Wiz's gesture was somehow "more offensive" or "more detrimental" than Nick Boynton's throat slash. Oh well. Welcome to America, where the mere prospect of sexual activity is far more dangerous than actually hurting a guy. Can you imagine if Wiz had flashed his sack or mimed cupping the balls during his gesture? Oh man.

Let it be known, I'm not a Wisniewski fan. He's a bit of a shitbag, and I was of this opinion long before yesterday. Let it also be known I hate Chicago (if you've never read BoW before....by the way, I use bad language too. Hide your kids). If you think Wiz should've been suspended, but not Hjalmarsson, you're insane. And weird. And I don't like you. Seriously, where are your priorities? I mean personally, not thinking about the NHL. But if you think both guys should've been suspended, that's fine. I personally am of the opinion that at most, Wiz should've gotten a 10-minute misconduct. But that's just me. I'm not a new hockey fan. I know what to expect.

However, Hjalmarsson ran a guy from behind. That causes injuries. That causes careers to be put in jeopardy. Marc Savard? Anyone? Oh yeah. Matt Cooke didn't get punished for that. Probably because he didn't shout "PENIS!" as he crushed Savard's brain in.

But Christ, you guys. If Hjalmarsson and Wisniewski are both going to be suspended, you've got to suspend Hjalmarsson for longer. I thought the league was trying to stop that shit. 5 games. 7 games. 10 games. But TWO? Laughable disciplinary practices. Feels like older fans are being alienated for the new baby fans. Y'know. Bandwagoners. Most hockey fans aren't going to be offended by a hummer gesture as much as they're going to be offended by watching a star player get taken out by a dirty hit.

The last thing I will say: I don't give one single piece of hairy dog shit if Hjalmarsson isn't a repeat offender. That doesn't change what he did. I don't care if he "didn't mean to do it." I also "didn't mean to" knock part of my roommate's hookah off the kitchen counter. But does that fix it? No. It's still fucking broken. And so is Pominville's face. And so is the NHL's disciplinary system.

Godspeed, Malts.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Chicago's Bullshit Banner Thing Ruined by FUCKIN' CHRIS OSGOOD

Tonight, the Blackhawks treated their fans to the raising of their first Stanley Cup banner in 50 years (or for their fans....uh, actually, this is probably the first game they've ever seen), and here's the breakdown of it.

The game was scheduled to take place at 8:30 PM on October 9, 2010. However, that's when the banner raising ceremony started. When the actual hockey game took place, it was actually 450 years into the future, where people teleport everywhere and the cow has been replaced by a miraculous animal that provides a nice filet that contains loads of flavor, yet no fat. Also, it tastes like bacon.

Of course, I'm roughly estimating the amount of time that passed. It's probable that the ceremony was so damn long that time eventually circled back and we've gone back to a time where Chris Osgood is ridiculously solid in net. Or maybe we went forward in time to a point where there is no Chris Osgood, but rather a lifelike cyborg Chris Osgotron 3000, programmed to be the most solid goaltender you've ever seen, all while giving up an obligatory soft goal (to match its namesake.)

I'm still not sure if I watched an actual hockey game or some sort of hologram that was shot into my memory with a laser beam because I pushed a button.

Flip scored first off a beautiful pass from Franzen. Then Brent Seabrook (complete with Crosbyesque pubic facial hair) scores on the powerplay with like, a half second to go. Osgotron couldn't stop it because the Cleary hologram wasn't paying attention.

The refs were very lifelike because of the abundance of missed calls on the Chicago team, and also the needless video review on Bertuzzibot's goal. Or maybe he was a hologram too. I wonder why they wouldn't rebuild his teeth....anyway, then some Hawk scored and nobody cared. Then Filppula had another goal where he went to pass and it went through Marty Turco's pads. That was fucking terrible. I don't think that was a hologram, I think that was 485 year old Marty Turco failing to make the easiest stop.

Oh yeah, and we totally got outshot. 28 to 26.

So yeah. That's what happened. ....I still don't know what year it is. All I know is we ruined their stupid banner party and the Hawks fans got all quiet and sad. Now they can go back to not giving a shit about hockey, like they didn't two years ago.

BANDWAGON.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Anaheim Dicks at YOUR MIGHTY DETROIT RED WINGS - 10/8/10

Oh hey. I didn't see you there. Quit hiding behind the door and come in, the game's about to start. I got some potato chips...and...some handcu- uh...sandwiches.

So after the longest summer in what seems like decades (check the facts: this year's offseason was a staggering 648 days long), real legitimate hockey is BACK in the state of Michigan. The Red Wings are all set to open the season tonight at home against Corey Perry - Licensed Douchebag and Ryan Getzlaf's bald spot. After an offseason in which Anaheim lost their best defenseman, will they be able to overcome Detroit's newfound UBER depth?

I mean, shit, Detroit's been a deep team for 25 years, but this is arguably the deepest they've been in the salary cap era. We got Mike Modano, dammit.

Beards of War feels it necessary to kick off the season in style, with a live/unlive blog - sort of like what we did with the NHL Awards. We'll record our thoughts here and post the entire shebang when the game's over. Of course, we'll probably tweet a shit ton during the game too (for the inevitable terrible reffing decisions, and also how creeped out we are about the headless Ovechkin commercial), just so you know we're alive.

Also, we promise to stop referring to ourselves collectively; it's only one guy. And he's a dick.

Now without further adieu....Ducks at Wings: THE LIVE/UNLIVE BLOG!


Pregame Comments:
  • Kronwall's glasses in that pregame segment were Waldotastic.
  • Mike Modano looks REALLY good in red.
  • I really missed Jiri Hudler too. HATERS GONNA HATE, I still love ya, Happy.
  • Pregame ceremonies! Hey, check out Eaves' and Miller's hair.
  • Mike Modano getting the loudest ovation in the pregame introduction (a little louder than Lidstrom, I'd say.)
  • It's time for RED WINGS HOCKEY AAAHHHHH

1st Period:
  • 0:00 - Ducks win opening faceoff, but miss it. It flies all the way back behind their net. Because they're stupid.
  • 0:34 - I was not aware Jason Blake still played hockey. I could've sworn he melted.
  • 1:52 - Modano cheered as he touches the puck. Everyone loves this guy...and his wife.
  • 2:20 - Why does Larry Murphy not look drunk? He's not ready for opening night.
  • 3:50 - Holmstrom interfered with, knocked down; no call. Good to see the refs are ready for opening night.
  • 4:27 - Ryan Getzlaf is still a dickbag. A BALDING dickbag.
  • 5:11 - BEAUTIFUL passing and Franzen SCOOOOREEESSS~ Jesus. Terrible angle shot off a beautiful pass and he STILL buries it.
  • 5:35 - MIKE MODANO SCORES!!!! Sacrifice pass from Cleary, Modano doesn't miss. First game as a Wing, he scores, place goes NUTS!
  • 7:40 - Getzlaf goes to hit Flip, Flip hits back, knocks Getz on his ass. Love it.
  • 9:08 - Ducks being called for a penalty, finally. Probably not that near-board Andy Sutton gave to Brad Stuart, though. Probably something cheaper.
  • 9:08 - Nope, high-sticking against Bobby Ryan. Meh.
  • 9:08 - Also, just heard about the Ondrej Pavelec situation in Atlanta...whoa. That's very very scary. Hope he's okay.
  • 10:00 - Yikes. Really great chance by Datsyuk after a beautiful pass, but Hiller blocks it.
  • 11:08 - Anaheim kills off the penalty. Good chances, though.
  • 11:24 - Pavs gives the puck up (eek), but Jimmah saves the day with a glove save.
  • 13:56 - I didn't know Cam Fowler grew up in Michigan. Neat. Also, Corey Perry still sucks.
  • 15:15 - Ducks bringing the pressure now. Jimmah standing tall. Wings' defensive play still looking good - lots of takeaways.
  • 18:47 - Getzlaf and Perry attempting to dogpile Jim Howard after the whistle. Fuck those two. Douchebags. Getz giving trashtalk to the Wings' bench; don'cha know the new C on Getz's jersey stands for "cunt"? Cuz it does.
  • 20:00 - Still 2-0 Wings. Getzlaf's hairline is still receding. Corey Perry is still a fuckstick.

2nd Period:
  • 0:00 - Ducks win faceoff, but catch it this time. Douchers.
  • 1:07 - Matt Beleskey with a shot right at Jim's wheel, catches it easy. He's solid so far...doesn't look shaky at all. Good sign.
  • 2:00 - Three on one with Pavs, Lids, and Homer....Lids' pass to Pavel bounced way high. Damn. That was a quality chance.
  • 2:30 - Ducks with all sorts of interference and holding on Modano, no call. Figures.
  • 5:35 - PAVEL SCOOOOORES! Wow. 5-hole. Right through Hiller's balls. El-kabong.
  • 6:54 - Brendan Mikkelson with a brilliant move....but Howard stops it. Awesome!
  • 10:30 - Ryan Getzlaf still sucks. Hey Kronwall, how about Kronwalling that guy?
  • 12:00 - LOL. Ducks #23 getting away with ridiculous amounts of interference. Schmuck. Refs.
  • 13:04 - PAVEL DANGLING! DAAANGLING! HE'S HOOKED....no call. Refs. OH, here comes the bitch Ducks. Salei vs. Sutton, Brookbank vs. Datsyuk, and Corey Perry cheapshotting the bench (and Hudler....what the fuck?). Fuck that guy.
  • 13:04 - Perry gets 10 for misconduct. Sutton 2 for roughing. Salei 2 for roughing. Holmstrom 10 for misconduct. Bullshit. Homer shouldn't have got anything. Getzlaf should've been in the box for unsportsmanlike.
  • 16:05 - Cleary (and puck) slam past Hiller into the net. They wave it off (of course). I wouldn't count it though, goalie couldn't make the save, really. Shouldn't be a minor penalty though. Net is *slightly* off before puck goes in. They're going to review.
  • 16:05 - HOLY LORD IT COUNTED. WHAT?! Wow. I'm stunned. Awesome. Wow. Makes up for all the terrible blown calls so far this game. CLEARY GOAL! 4-0 Wings.
  • 19:00 - Jimmy is standing fucking tall tonight, ladies and gents. He is ON. Wings in midseason form tonight, I love it. They're not fucking around.
  • 20:00 - 4-0 Wings after two periods. Also seeing reports of Atlanta goalie Ondrej Pavelec being conscious and his vital signs are normal. Good to hear, that was scary for sure.

3rd Period:
  • 0:00 - Missed the first faceoff because I was making a really bad Toni Lydman/Foreigner joke. Sue me.
  • 1:40 - I swear, there's only been like, one actual non-offsetting penalty call this game. Which is weird, considering how dirty Anaheim is.
  • 7:15 - It's really hard to type little things when there's no break.
  • 7:31 - Anaheim (Getzlaf, namely) with some REALLY cheap shit on Zetterberg. Perry tries to fight Datsyuk - AND HE OBLIGES! AND WHIPS PERRY'S ASS! AND GETS THE TAKEDOWN! DATSYUKIAN DECKS! This is the greatest game fucking ever.
  • 8:35 - 42 minutes of penalties...only two power plays. That's fucking hilarious. Ducks are scumbags.
  • 10:07 - Parros with a 10 minute misconduct and a 2 for roughing. I guess the Ducks are just gonna be cheap the rest of the game instead of actually playing hockey. Go back to the LNAH, you losers.
  • 12:03 - Homer to the box for the first Duck PP of the game (I think). Probably a bad call. I missed it, haha. Whatever. Getzlaf back on the ice. Everything looks a bit more AIDS-y.
  • 12:45 - Yow. I don't know how Howard stopped that Selanne shot. Skill.
  • 13:45 - Cleary with a shorthanded breakaway, has puck poked away by Visnovsky. Surprised he didn't get fucking tackled. Visnovsky showing some restraint, I guess.
  • 16:23 - Brad Stuart and Brookbank going at it. Ducks don't care about hockey anymore. Cheap shots after every whistle. Wings answering the bell, though. You gotta love it! Also Jimmy Howard facewashing Corey Perry. God damn. You GOTTA LOVE IT. He had a total look of anger while doing it. Angry Jimmy is a scary, scary thing. Bobby Ryan in the box for being a dicknubbin.
  • 17:01 - Ducks being called for too many men. Hahahahaha. Jesus Christ. Try to suck a little harder. 5 on 3 for Detroit for another 1:22.
  • 17:30 - Bertuzzi getting hooked, Ducks getting ANOTHER penalty. This is the best game ever. God, Anaheim fucking sucks.
  • 18:30 - Anaheim still sucking. They really don't care anymore. Corey Perry's a bitch.
  • 20:00 - It's over! No cheap shots after the whistle...wow.

Postgame Comments:
  • WHAT A GAME!!!
  • Jim-Jam Howard kicks off the season in style with a SHUTOUT of the disgustingly cheap Anaheim Ducks...and also gives bitch-ass Corey Perry a facewash.
  • Pavel Datsyuk with a Gordie Howe Hat Trick. Who knew Pavel could fight? We do now. And so does bitch-ass Corey Perry.
  • Mike Modano scores his first goal as a Wing. Building went nuts, and Mike Modano looked like the N64 kid. He looked THAT happy.
  • Ryan Getzlaf is a cunt.
  • Corey Perry is a bitch.
  • Refs, that Cleary goal doesn't make up for ALL the shit you do to us, but it's a nice start.

That's all for now. What a game! Can't wait for tomorrow night. Can't wait to see our boys kick some Blackhawk ass and ruin their stupid banner ceremony.

Until next time.

Friday, September 24, 2010

On Classless Fans

You know what, just once, in a hockey discussion, I'd love for someone NOT to bring up Michigan's economy as a tool for insult. That's low, not to mention we can't really help it.

You'll see it everywhere online, and sometimes even in person - go to any message board where Wings hate is the standard, and you will inevitably see some idiot spewing his crap about how no Wings fans have jobs or all of the buildings in Detroit are burned out and full of crack dealers.

First of all, this has nothing to do with hockey, and it's a total cheap shot. It'd be like going to see the new Wall Street movie as a film critic, and in your review, you say the movie sucks because Michael Douglas has cancer.

Secondly, do I *need* to mention Cabrini-Green?

Unfortunately, these idiots that say this stuff have no ammo for the topic at hand. Pittsburgh and Chicago hockey "fans" are notoriously dumb when it comes to hockey; that's why you'll only hear derisive name chants and "Detroit sucks" in addition to the shameful vitriol about Michigan's dire straits.

Fans of other teams have said it before, but it's nowhere near as concentrated and frequent as it is from the mouths and fingers of Kane lovers and Crosby lovers.

I'd hazard a guess that nearly everyone who reads this in Michigan knows someone who has lost a job or a business in the last 5 years. I do. Even if it's not in your immediate family, surely you know someone who was affected, especially if they worked in the automotive business. Honest, hard-working, blue collar people who could work forever are out of a job because of things like their division shutting down to cut costs for the business...or maybe they make too much money.

Is this something to be made fun of?

No one stops to think of what those families have to go through. Some are forced to go out and apply for every job under the sun - some they're not even really qualified for - and possibly have to take multiple jobs just to cover the basic costs of living.

Forced to move out of their homes because they can't afford it. Kids put in foster homes. Parents living in the streets. The buildings falling into disrepair.

Why is THIS where these morons have to go to try and get under our skin? As I said before, that's just low, and really should never be dignified with a reaction. For God's sake, it's hockey; it's ultimately a child's game. I'm all for smacktalk, but come on. If you've nothing relevant to say, then kindly shut the fuck up.

If you really want to bring up financial hardships and empty buildings, then I'll bring up how empty Mellon Arena was only 6 years ago, and how the Pens were almost moved. Or how about I bring up the emptiness of the United Center...even THREE years ago?

Of course, these won't hit that close to home; we're attacking the team, and not the fans. And we're attacking the hockey portion, not their actual lives outside of the sport. Granted, I don't have high hopes for fans of either of those teams, but I thought MAYBE...maybe you were better human beings than that.

Guess not.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Apparently, Empty Gestures Are Now More Dangerous Than Kneeing a Guy

So yesterday, pre-season hockey started. Hooray! But the Wings lost. Boo. 5-1. To the Crosbys. As if that weren't bad enough, noted douchebag Brooks "Future Child Rapist/Current General Douchebag" Orpik attempted to put Johan Franzen out for a long, long time with a dangerous knee-on-knee hit in the first period while his team led 3-0. Gutless? Yes, but we shouldn't expect anything else from a team with Sidney Crosby as its captain. When Todd Bertuzzi came to Franzen's defense, he got kicked out of the game as well (misconduct loolol). Of course, Orpik got a game misconduct as well, AND a five minute major...

...but does he get anything else in terms of supplemental discipline? After all, it was a dangerous, stupid, calculated hit that could've resulted in serious injury - especially on a player with a history with those sorts of problems (and a freshly repaired ACL).

Prediction: No. Because he's a Penguin. Never mind the fact that Franzen's out at least three more preseason games because of it. As per usual, the NHL is looking at the result rather than the action.

This is incredibly stupid. It's like saying, "Well, you shot this guy's mom in the face, but the bullet only went through her cheek instead of her brain, so we're not going to take action against you." A stupid reckless play is a stupid reckless play. And Brooks Orpik is a giant piece of crap. Not that cool white 70s dog poop - but a fresh steaming wet pile left by a fat guy in your living room after he spent the night eating cabbage and drinking rotten milk and Japanese rice wine.

During the Halfhawks/Yzermans match that night as well, Chicago "defense" "man" Nick Boynton attempted to catch TB forward Chris Durno with a knee-on-knee hit. Fortunately, Durno got right back up, but Blair Jones still kicked the shit out of Boynton for being a fuckbag. Take a looksee!


The hit occurs real early in the video (check the slo-mo version at around 0:48 as well), then we see Jones just pummel the living bejebus out of Boynton. Then, in typical Chicago fan fashion, starts talking even more shit and gives a throat-slash gesture (I prefer Chris Benoit's version myself) to Jones in the box, and backs it up by saying "you're fucking dead."

Haha, oh, typical Chicago. You get your ass beat and still talk shit. You jokers.

But here's where the story gets weird. Boynton got a one-game suspension. For that gesture. Not for the KNEE...but for making a motion to a guy who just kicked his ass.

Thank God. Thank God we don't have to deal with that beast. Going around making gestures, putting all of our children in danger with empty threats...the NHL really hit the nail on the head with this one. I can just imagine Gary Bettman sitting in his office, trying to put his little legs up on his desk...leaning back, and smoking a bubble pipe. He says "BOYS...we took a stand here today. We said that we, as a league, will tolerate dangerous injury-intending hits like Matt Cooke's, Doug Murray's, and Brooks Orpik's...but we will NOT stand idly by while maniacs like Nick Boynton flail their hands around at opponents from 15 away. THIS WILL NOT STAND."

And the chirping? Who chirps at opponents? What is this, hockey?!

Hear that, NHL? You guys can kill each other and cheap shot each other all you want, but by God, if you tell the guy beforehand, you are gonna get it from the Wheel of Discipline...maybe.


Ass.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Fillerfest Continues - My Short YouTube "Conversation" with a Stupid Hawks "Fan"

No hockey and no pucks make Beards of War something something....

You might recall one of the two CHIdenfreude videos posted on this blog earlier this summer. Suffice it to say, they got some real funny/butthurt reactions from the Chicago community who were convinced and overly confident that despite the utter gutting of their team, they would not only finish ahead of Detroit in the standings, but would also repeat as Cup champs.

No seriously, you can't make this up.

Anyway, last month, one of them felt compelled to let me know how he felt via channel comment.

mylogix said:
you are a fucking idiot, i think you are just pissed off that hockey's best architect (scotty bowman) is now on the side of the chicago blackhawks. and all that is left in your peice of shit city is some abandoned car factories and trailer parks. suck it
Now, one's first reaction might be:



...which he obviously is. But really, he's right. All of our problems with Chicago fans lie with jealousy. Obviously, we are just "haters", regarding Scotty Bowman and ONLY Scotty Bowman. I had to reply to this guy with a healthy dose of smarm:

Thank you for the compliment!

First of all, thanks for keeping it classy with your comments about Detroit. You're a credit to your fanbase. Though I'd like to inform you that I don't actually live in Detroit Proper, although I've been there a number of times. I'm not sure to which area of the city you refer to, since the downtown area where Joe Louis Arena is located is actually a pretty nice place to be. Y'know, nice buildings. Shopping. Eateries. Also, you seemed to be misinformed; there actually are no trailer parks located in the City of Detroit. That's more of a Downriver thing.

Second of all, I'd like to remind you that Scotty Bowman is not an "architect", he was never the General Manager of Chicago OR Detroit; he only coached the players that were there, and the only team he WAS the GM of was the Buffalo Sabres. And I'd like to remind you that he never coached in Chicago and his position within that organization is strictly for show and has no actual power. In reality, his son is the only one with power and is pretty fucked over at the moment because of the last guy.

But I do thank you for your input on my videos and the city in which my team plays. Your words have been noted and thrown out.
mylogix replied:
ahh, if you really believe what you said about scotty then sir, i am finished with you. with his experience, if you think he isn't playing a big role in chicago helping his son, then you are a fucking idiot. oh and im sorry for not keeping it classy, you set the bar so high in your shitty little video. and if you think the hawks are fucked, you should look at your own washed up team who mostly have passed their prime. oops i forgot you signed madano, good luck with that.
Dear Raving Lunatic:

So you agree with me! Scotty Bowman is a figurehead in Chicago. His position has no actual power, he's there for "motivation" for his son? Except you're also forgetting he was taken aboard prior to his son's hiring as GM. Don't forget that.

Secondly, why the name calling? Are you upset about something? I can't imagine why in the world you w- oh. Never mind. That was my bad.

Thirdly, you're forgiven. You're right, I am a classy fellow. I apologize (not) if you took offense to my "shitty little" video (which is a large video, in terms of size), but the fact of the matter remains everything in it is true! Your inability to handle the truth is cute. Unfortunately, it would seem that you've never been to Detroit or anywhere near in order to make your observations. Maybe you should come take a visit. Wear your Hawks jersey. I promise you won't lose an arm.

Finally, yes yes, I've heard that all before - the Red Wings are "old" and "washed up"....geez, it seems they've been that way for the nearly two decades, and yet, in spite of this, they've managed to continue to have winning seasons; y'know, Presidents Trophies, divisional wins, and Stanley Cups.

And really, if you want to discuss washed up - your team signed Hugh Jessiman. Your point is moot.

P.S. Isn't it amazing how we were able to land Mike Modano? We're all TOTALLY looking for about 100 points out of him this season. Think we can do it?
Honestly? Am I the only one who wasn't expecting Mike Modano to lead the league in scoring when Ken Holland signed him to be the THIRD-LINE CENTER?

Oh, Chicago fans. Though you have sex with your cousins, you still amuse me.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

I Got Your Back, Dan Ellis

(For a quick recap and probably the best-written and better-researched article on this shituation, click me.)

Hey, Dan Ellis. I got your back. I mean, you don't know who I am, and that's fine. All I'm saying is I totally get where you were coming from when you were talking about how much it sucks when your paycheck gets divvied up like, eight million ways.

I mean, I'm not a millionaire. Hell, my last actual paying job was doing third-shift stock duty for $7.25 an hour. But after tax and shit, I only ended up making like, 5.50 an hour. And stocking is a pain in the ass, man. Especially if you gotta like, unload skids of fuckin' dog food and cat litter. Big 50, 60 pound bags? That shit is hard, and I'm out of shape. I wanted that full $7.25! I didn't want to pay bullshit taxes that had nothing to do with me, not with how hard I worked. I mean, we didn't have escrow, but if we did, that'd suck even worse.

I lost a buck and a half off my paycheck and I hated it. Imagine losing a MILLION bucks.

And being a goaltender is much harder than being a stockboy...I imagine. I mean, I never sweat off 15 pounds for a night's work (though I could stand to).

One's ONLY reaction to what Ellis said should be "Oh yeah, that DOES suck."

But no. The Twitterverse went crazy. And honestly, a little dickheaded.

Twitter personalities we've loved for their snarkiness suddenly looked like angry children insecure with their own meager earnings (or God knows what else). A little sensitive, are we? Much was made of Dan Ellis supposedly comparing his life to cops and firefighters...except he never actually did that.



You see, it's a comparison of the lack of understanding; not job responsibility. Dan Ellis never said a damn thing about how he risks his life or his job carries a lot of societal significance. He's not that big of an ass.

But as quoted in the CWGAP article, Buddy Oakes said it best. Yeah, $500,000 is a nice chunk of change, but he's losing two-thirds of his paycheck before he sees any of it. And that sucks. Imagine losing two-thirds of YOUR check. Would I dare tell you to shut up because someone makes less than THAT?

The hashtags and the personal attacks were ridiculous and uncalled for. I'm all for poking fun and having a laugh, but I also abide by what Wil Wheaton says: "Don't be a dick." A great number of people were being dicks.

I get that money is a sensitive issue, but again, I don't see where animosity was at all necessary. Maybe it's just me, but I didn't even feel like I was supposed to get offended by what he said, because I thought he was right. Maybe it's just that I don't really ever get offended.

Bottom line is this: If you lost 67% of your paycheck (and then some), it'd suck. No matter how much you make. And if you disagree, you're an idiot.

The end.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Huet to Europe is Total Fucking Bullshit, and so are the NHL's Recent Cap Related Shenanigans

HEY. You know what's a circumvention of a salary cap? Paying an elite-caliber player an exorbitant amount of money that eventually trickles down to peanuts by the time he hits age 44 (with a $6 million cap hit all the while).

You know what's NOT a circumvention of the salary cap? Paying a mediocre-caliber aging goalie an exorbitant amount of money, deciding he isn't worth it (though he's still capable of actually playing), knowing you can't afford "better players" if he stays on your payroll, so you dump him on some stupid Swiss team.

No, that's not a fucking circumvention at all.

"Oh shit, if we have this guy on our payroll, we'll actually have to PAY him the fucking money we INTENDED to when we signed him to this horseshit contract!"

"But MY GOD, if we buy him out, we're going to have to face a $1.875 million cap hit for two more years!"

"HOW THE FUCK CAN WE GET OUT OF THIS ONE!? I KNOW, LET'S FUCKING DUMP HIM IN SWITZERLAND! MWAHAHAHA."

Seriously?

It's getting around obligations that you made for the simple reason of "we don't want to pay you that much money, even though that's what we signed you to because we're stupid." Whoops. You got yourself in a jam of your own volition now you're trying to save your ass by dumping a perfectly able body on someone else.

As for Kovalchuk, I agree his contract was circumvention, but should've stood for two reasons: one is that the NHL allowed similar contracts through (though not as egregious), therefore setting a precedent that circumvention was more or less OK, depending on what team you are (coughChicago)

Number two was the arbiter's declaration (and assumption) that it was rare/impossible for him to play that long.

It's not impossible. He's in pretty good shape and not really injury prone. Playing that long is rare, yes, but your judgment can't be based on an assumption. There's no proof he can't play until he's 44 or even 50.

Seriously, what makes one think that Ilya Kovalchuk can't play til he's 44, but that Marian Hossa can play until age 43? Nearly $8 million a season for 7 more seasons, then a $4 million season, then four $1 million seasons? So if Kovalchuk's contract ended at age 43, it'd be OK? Where's the line?

Typical NHL. Picking and choosing, just like with discipline. If Kovalchuk was attempting to re-sign with a team like Pittsburgh or Chicago (hey, there's a team I haven't mentioned in this post at all yet), you could guarantee he could be offered a 50-year contract with ten straight $10 million seasons (but with a $1 million cap hit) and the NHL would be full of patronizing prasie of "EXCELLENT CAP MANAGEMENT GUYZ LOLOL".

Some teams are more equal than others.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Red Wings Sign Highest Scoring Belarusian Player in NHL History!

OH MAN. So just days after securing the services of the highest scoring American in NHL history (one Michael Q. Modano), Ken Holland has done it again, signing the HIGHEST SCORING PLAYER FROM BELARUS...EVER. What privileged fans are we, with this magnificent management, who can watch our team acquire two of the greatest players to ever lace up skates?

That's right, the legendary Ruslan Salei is now a Detroit Red Wing.

That's okay, I'll give you a minute to mop up the bodily fluids that just spewed forth from your every orifice.

Ruslan Salei. Belarus' ALL-TIME LEADING NHL SCORER. Holy living shit.

He's a scoring FORCE, scoring 194 points in almost 900 career games. Oh my GOD, HOW LUCKY ARE WE? Suck on THAT, Sergei Kostitsyn! Eat BALLS, Andrei Kostitsyn! You're balding and you look like Friar Tuck.

That said, can you believe we can afford to have this magnificent player on the THIRD DEFENSIVE PAIRING? HOW LUCKY ARE WE?!

THE GUY'S A LEGEND! Plus, look what I found on the WIKIPEDIA. Salei apparently scored 100 goals at the 2000 World Ice Hockey Championships.



Thanks, Wikipedia. You've never lied to me.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Mike Modano - What REALLY Happened

As everyone knows by now, Mike Modano has signed with his hometown Detroit Red Wings for one final run at hockey's ultimate prize. After 20 years with the same organization that drafted him and helped him become the amazing player he was, he was shown the door. A bit of a dick move just because he's 40, but if you think about it, playing with the Dallas Stars last year, he scored 14 goals in 30 points in 59 games. That's slightly better than a point every two games. Not bad for a guy his age, I'd say.

America's all-time leading scorer may be 40 years old, but he's coming now to the Detroit bloody Red Wings to play center between Dan Cleary and the returning Jiri Hudler. If Mike can play 70 games, it would be stupid to think he couldn't get 40 or more points, maybe even 50. I mean, Jiri Hudler had 57 points his last season here. And HE bangs hookers!

His signing with Detroit was a point of contention with some Red Wings fans, but I think we can all agree now that the team will Willa Ford's boobs Willa Ford's ass Willa Ford's boobs Willa Ford's ass.

But what about what happened with Minnesota and San Jose? After Modano announced it was either "Detroit or retirement", the Sharks and Wild reportedly approached him about signing. The Sharks were in a warm climate and were in prime position for Mo to take one final run at a second round playoff exit.

The Wild wanted him for novelty purposes only. If Mo wanted to go back to the state where he started his pro career, it would be in Minnesota. Of course, Mo would be golfing by the second week of April, but OMG NOSTALGIA RITE?!

And then we later found out that there was no real contact between those teams and Modano before he made his ultimate decision with the Red Wings, right? Well, that, my friends, is a half-truth. Beards of War has obtained this exclusive footage of how Mike Modano ended up selecting to join the Detroit Red Wings for a run at number 12:




'atta boy, Mo. 'atta boy.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Turco is Heartbreak: A CHIdenfreude Addendum


Those of you that know me know that my goalie mancrush is Marty Turco. It's hard to explain, really. For years, he was my favorite goaltender not in the Detroit system. I guess it was the way he played the puck, or maybe it's the fact that he attended the University of Michigan (GO BLUE). He's just an all-around smart goaltender. Or maybe it's because he's SO DREAMY....okay, maybe not.

I was pretty damn giddy when my college roommate informed me his dad knew several Dallas Stars personally, INCLUDING one Marty Turco. For Christmas, I received a personal autographed photo from the man himself, as you can see right there. To this day, I have it on my entertainment center, overlooking me as I type this out.

And since he was in Dallas, it meant I could cheer for him. I mean, they had Mike Modano too, and he's a Michigan guy...plus, his wife his hot. They weren't in the division, they weren't necessarily a heated rival, and they weren't Chicago. But that all changed this morning...

...Marty Turco broke my heart by signing with...the Blackhawks.

And that picture, I can't look at without becoming depressed. As a Marty Turco fan AND a Red Wings fan, this is very conflicting. On one hand, I really want Marty to succeed. On the other hand, he's in fucking CHICAGO. On one hand, he's 35 years old and doesn't have a lot of time left to win a Stanley Cup, which I would love desperately for him to do. ...on the other hand, he's in fucking CHICAGO, where the only run they're poised to make is the one where they narrowly avoid being a lottery team.

And yes, I know all about his terrible record against Detroit. And I do love that Chicago will undoubtedly suck against the Red Wings this year (and the rest of the league in general), but I don't love the fact that it comes at the expense of one of my favorite players in the game stuck behind enemy lines.

It sucks.

WHY couldn't he have taken the Philadelphia offer? They're not even in our conference. At least I don't outright despise the Flyers. AND they didn't lose a good number of their important players. But no. He had to go to Chicago.

Marty. You offered me 'best wishes.' These are my worst wishes; one of my most favorite players on one of my least favorite teams. I can't offer my best wishes for you to win, and I can't hope you lose every game you're in. I can't do anything. I'm conflicted.

In any event, I'll just let this digital short do the talking for me. It's much more amusing than my morose Droopyesque lamenting, plus it's dripping with CHIdenfreude. Enjoy!

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

History Will Be Made - An Effortless "Repost"

Since it's July, there's not a lot going on hockeywise. You may have notice with the big, long break I've unexpectedly taken from blogging. It's really kind of a pain in the ass when you want to write but have nothing to write about. So in an effort to make myself look busy, I've decided to just post a bunch of YouTube videos I did before the birth of Beards of War.

Remember the "History Will Be Made" promos put out by the NHL last season? Awesome, weren't they? Gamebreaking moments, gamebreaking players. Moments that go down in NHL history, mostly for the good. But in addition to the ones put out by the NHL, there were also some brilliant fan creations...and some bad fan creations. Ones that pushed the boundaries of actual legendary moments and descended mostly into obvious fanboyism.

And then there were guys like me; the assholes. So without further a-doo-doo, I present..."Beards of War's History WON'T Be Made"!


#1: Martin Havlat




Heh. Remember this hit from two years ago? Oh man. The check heard 'round the world....or at least through the 300 or so miles from Detroit to the other side of Lake Michigan. The Hawks fans cried foul, and the refs bought it and Kronwall was given the rest of the night off, which was bullcrap. Despite its punishing nature, this was a clean hit.




^ see? Clean. Keep your head up, kids!

STUPID COMMENT:



Okay. First of all, if you think "History Will Be Made" applies only to the current season, you're an idiot. Secondly, a career backup explodes in the playoffs and gets his team within two games of the Stanley Cup, and not only that, has better stats than the goalie that ends up winning...but you say he's "third string" and "worse than junior goalies"? Seriously, kid? I'm all for smack talk, but that's just stupid. Don't forget, your stupid team drafted the son of a bitch. Niemi's never played in the playoffs, and you don't hesitate to call him a legend. Chicago fans are fucking idiots.


#2: Bryan McCabe



Okay...this one is actually my least favorite, mostly because I couldn't find the right kind of video...but I tried, dammit! The others I could've picked from had terrible quality or were letterboxed into oblivion.

I HAD to make this one though, because I had to razz the Leafs fans. Bryan McCabe. I can't believe how much you paid this guy to score own goals. That's tragic.

No stupid comments on this one.


#3: The Fonz



Yeah yeah, I know. The Fonz never played in the NHL. But he could have if he wanted to. Then again, distancewise, the closest team he could play for would've been the Hawks...and The Fonz doesn't associate with losers.

Except Potsie.

Anyway, the main reason I made this one was to sort of break the monotony...why NOT do it for something other than hockey? What IF The Fonz weren't so cool? Would he have fallen into the shark tank? No. Probably not. Probably because no one would've towed him on a rope. They'd have been like "Why are you wearing a leather jacket while water skiing? What are you, some kind of smart guy?"

Also, if you didn't know, this one was put in a Puck Daddy post (which explained the sudden jump in views from like, 6 to 2,500 in one night). Hooray!

No stupid comments. There's only one, and it's nice.


#4: "Babydick" Sidney Crosby



Oh my GOD, this one sent the Pens fans out in droves. They weren't very happy at me for this one. Then again, they're all complete idiots so it's not like I care. Another gem from the 2009 finals, Wings fans will remember Johan Franzen with a fairly weak check that sent Sidney Crosby gasping and crying and whining to the bench for the remainder of the game (which, by the way, didn't stop him from running out and military pressing the Cup and skating around like Baryshnikov's gay sister).

Pens fans were quick to remind me that the Penguins did end up winning the Stanley Cup. I acknowledge this sad fact of history, but it still doesn't change the fact that through the final series, Sidney Crosby was a no-show and did absolutely nothing to contribute to his team. For Christ's sake, Justin Abdelkader had more goals than he did, and he's a fourth-liner.

Not to mention in general, he's a gigantic vagina, whiner, diver, and horrible example of a captain in the National Hockey League.

Let's face it. None of the Penguins players stood out in the final series. You could probably say the same about Detroit's players. The fact it went 7 games shows it was a defensive struggle both ways. But the numbers don't lie; Crosby sucked. The Penguins fans will not acknowledge this, and instead only respond with "HUR CROSBY'S ON THE CUP" as if this is the ultimate trump card to any hockey argument. Jay Pandolfo's on three Cups, dude. Does this mean he's thrice the player Crosby is? And I'll remind you guys like Maltby, Draper, and McCarty? Lidstrom? Holmstrom? Yeah, they've got four. Does this mean they're four times the player Crosby is?

Hint: Yes.

Pens fans represent the lowest of the low in terms of hockey intelligence. Blindly following the team only since it started winning, refusing to budge on any notion that their players are infallible. They're absolutely useless in any hockey conversation that precedes the year 2007 (just like Hawks fans), or in any conversation that isn't "how great Sidney Crosby is." They serve as a warning against drinking while pregnant, and should always wear helmets in public so we know who they are (assuming we're deaf and can't hear the incessant YEA CROSBY YEAAA cheers emanating from them at any given second).

Stupid comments for this one are great and many, so I'll have a hard time picking a couple out to make fun of.



I can't read this. I'm trying, and I just can't understand it. These kids should be paying more attention in school instead of trying to argue on the internet. As for the last point, I don't know if consecutive 2-1 losses and a 7 game series is a "choke." Then again, this kid is obviously a moron and thinks any series loss = choke. Sorry. Not so.



Here's a twofer! The first guy does have a point; none of us have played professional hockey at the NHL level. But we have watched it. For years - and so we do know what it's like. We've seen guys take brutal hits, pucks to the face, sticks to the face, bad checks, etc etc, and get back up and play on. Remember Eric Belanger? Dude takes stick to the face, pulls out teeth on bench, doesn't miss a check. Or Duncan Keith? Dude takes a puck to the MOUTH...goes back, gets stitched up, and plays on. Sidney Crosby takes a clean check from the side and decides he can't play anymore.

The second guy was the stupidest comment on the video. He's right though; if only I was as big and strong and tough as Sidney Crosby. If only I had the ability to crosscheck guys from the back...or punch dudes in the nuts to win fights. See, that's my problem; I only fight from the front. Though I can't skate, I'm more than certain I wouldn't need to quit the game after taking a check. I'm a big, strong guy. Sidney Crosby? Not so much.

I'm taller than him too.

....God, is it October yet?

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

The Detroit Red Wings: What They Mean to Me

During the past few years, you've come to Beards of War for hockey related comedy, satire, snark, and sarcasm- ...alright, that's wrong. Over the past...er, month, you've come here when you're bored at work and looking for time to kill. And for a quick chuckle. And that's what I'm usually good at, because it's a style I'm comfortable with.

However, in this entry, I've decided to go out of my comfort zone with a SERIOUS Red Wings post. During my travels throughout the Detroit blogosphere, I've noticed other bloggers and fans discussing what drew them to this team; whether it was by choice or whether they grew up with it.

I guess I just figured since I know a pretty good number of people read this, perhaps you'd like to know why I like...no, LOVE the Red Wings.

I guess I'll start at the beginning. I was born at the ass-end of 1985, so my memories of the "Dead Wings" era or missing the playoffs are practically non-existent. In fact, I believe my earliest hockey memory of any sort was a Red Wings/San Jose Sharks game from either 1992 or 1993. I don't remember who won. I don't even really remember many of the players, except for Steve Yzerman. I know this because my dad told me. I still didn't really get it. I'm just like, "oh, okay. That's cool."

My dad's been a Red Wings fan for as long as I remember; longer than I've had memories. He's more a Wings fan than a hockey fan; you know, doesn't really know anything about other teams, but could tell you a lot about the home team. His only memories aside from ones about the Wings have to do with rivalries. I remember this mug he got from Dunkin Donuts that had Paul Coffey on it. It was a Coffey Mug. I remember asking him "who's this?", and he responded "That's Paul Coffey, he plays for the Red Wings."

"What's a Red Wing?"

"It's a wheel with a wing on it. They play hockey."

"Oh. That's cool he makes coffee too! And his name is Coffey!" He just kind of laughed at that. I really didn't get it. I seriously thought Paul Coffey made coffee. 15 years later, I realize now that Tim Horton was the coffee guy. Though let's face it, Paul Coffey should think about starting up a franchise. Coffey Coffee. They could open up next to Pizza Pizza. I dunno.

These are my earliest sports memories. That, and going to Detroit Tigers spring training in 1992 in Florida and receiving a pen and a hat from a guy talking about the "new" expansion franchise coming to Miami soon. That's how I became a Florida Marlins fan, by the way. Hand out free crap to kids and they're fans for life. I have faint memories of the Detroit Pistons bad boy era too.

But as for hockey, we didn't have cable or any decent television coverage, so watching hockey games on TV was very rare; we either had to go to parents' friends' houses or restaurants. We got cable in 1994 and moved into the city in 1995. Having cable was a trip. Having ESPN in my own bloody bedroom was weird. Those were the days when Nickelodeon didn't suck, and thus, I was preoccupied with that instead of hockey. I regret that. Those were the days I also played outside with my friends...which I also don't do anymore.

I do remember 1997 and 1998's back to back championships. I remember my dad saving one of the newspapers from my paper route in '97 because it was the one with the Red Wings on the front. I was excited for them, even if I didn't know anything about the team. It's the home team! I remember him talking about the brawl that occurred that March. That's when I understood there was a rivalry between Detroit and Colorado. I didn't like Colorado.

I remember seeing the news when Vladdy Konstantinov was in that accident. I remember being bummed. Severely. Again, I didn't know why. It was the home team, I guess.

I remember seeing them lift the Cup in '98 and I saw Vladdy hold it from his wheelchair. Seriously uplifting.

Unfortunately, my hockey memories between the fall of '98 and fall '01 are nonexistent. We moved into an apartment in 2000, and then to Battle Creek, Michigan in the spring of 2001.

That March, my dad received a job offer from the FAA. The government. They were going to relocate him.

To Denver, Colorado.

At first, I liked the idea. We'd finish out the school year in Battle Creek and then my brother, my mom and I would join my dad and go house hunting in the summertime. I was 15 years old at that time and had lived my entire life in suburban Michigan. I wanted to see what life was like with the mountains and the thin air...and the Avalanche fans.

I thought this would be fun. I hoped it would be fun. It was a little tough, given it was my third high school in one year's time, not to mention leaving all my friends behind and moving 2,000 miles west of where I'd lived all my life. There's really no other way to go about it than to go into it with a good attitude. Where else could I go?

Unfortunately, the kids at my high school didn't much care for me. They weren't as friendly as I would've liked. In fact, that's an understatement. They were downright horrible. I don't really talk about this much, but it adds to the story...so I guess I have no choice. Here goes.

*exhale*

When we moved to Colorado, I was roughly 5'7" and close to 300 pounds. I was a fat kid. The Colorado kids made sure I knew it. The entire school year, I was called names from passing cars; beached whale. Fatty. Godzilla. Lardass. You name it. I had things thrown at me from cars; bottles. Cans. Garbage.

I was beat up more than a few times my dudes much taller and stronger than me. I still don't know why. I was threatened with further violence and with death. Fortunately, they were too cowardly and coked up to follow through with anything more than what they already did.

My self-esteem was already on very shaky ground by just moving out there. I was always a very shy kid, and I still am. But at least people in Michigan didn't hate me because I was fat...or whatever reason.

The fact they didn't hesitate to do that stuff in front of my younger brother killed me too. The fact he couldn't do anything but look at me with a sad expression or say "sorry" as they called me names and drove away or whatever sucked even more. How are you supposed to look at your older siblings when they're being dehumanized right in front of you?

Those guys didn't even know me.

Needless to say, I didn't have any friends. I hated going to school. I hated leaving my room. I don't know how many times I'd sit in my room and cry about my life; at 15 years old. Kind of pathetic now that I look back on it. I'd sit and wonder what was wrong with me. What had I done to upset them? Did I exude something that was automatically unlikeable?

I wanted to die. I wanted to kill myself. I thought I was better off dead. I did not want this life anymore. I thought there was no way out.

We'd take day trips into Denver, and I wouldn't talk. All I would say is "I want to go home." I didn't like being out in public anymore. I didn't like people even glancing at me, because I assumed they were judging me. It's sad what I'd become.

As school was winding down, I started to watch the Stanley Cup playoffs. When I first tuned in, Detroit was playing St. Louis. They ended up winning that series in 5 games. That's not to say I didn't watch the occasional game when I could; this was the first year I actually knew who was on the team!

The next round is one you should remember. And it's why I love the Red Wings.

The Western Conference finals of the 2002 pitted the Detroit Red Wings against the Colorado Avalanche. It seems sort of symbolic for me now, just because it was Michigan versus Colorado, which is how I saw my situation. I'm a Michigan boy caught in the awful state of Colorado.

The Colorado Avalanche represented everything disgusting and horrible and wrong with the world. The Colorado Avalanche were sin. The Colorado Avalanche were pestilence. They were the assholes beating on me. They were the guys throwing their pop bottles at me from their moving car. They were the coked up morons telling me they were going to slit my throat if they saw me again.

The Detroit Red Wings were the heroes. Steve Yzerman was the glowing god with the glowing sword. Every time they won, I gained hope. Every time they lost, I died a little. When it went to a Game 7, I was on pins and needles. I'd never hoped for anything more in my life. I wanted them to crush the Avs, and I wanted them to do it with an exclamation mark.

They didn't disappoint.

Holmstrom.

Fedorov.

Robitaille.

Holmstrom again.

Hull.

Patrick Roy, the king of all douchebags on the douchebaggiest team in the douchebaggiest city in the douchebaggiest state in America, gets PULLED.

Oh, but we're not done. Olausson on the powerplay.

And Pavel Datsyuk on the powerplay.

7-0. The Detroit Red Wings didn't just beat Colorado, they crushed them. They chased Patrick Roy. They were going to the Stanley Cup finals.

I watched this game alone in my room while my parents and brother were out at a party. No one was there to see me bawl like a little girl as I watched *MY* Red Wings celebrate beating the Colorado Avalanche.

Steve Yzerman and his crew had thwarted all that was wrong with the world.

It gave me hope. Maybe *I* could beat this Colorado thing too.

Through finals week at school, nothing could bother me. I didn't listen to the kids. I wore my Red Wings shirt to school for the first time ever. I caught so many dirty looks and so many threats. But I didn't care. MY team was better than THEIR team. I watched the Wings play the Carolina Hurricanes. I watched them lose Game 1, but I didn't see them lose any more after that.

I remember triple overtime.

I remember Game 5. My favorite game of all time. I remember all the goals.

I remember Brendan Shanahan's empty netter with 45 seconds to go. "SCOOOORES!!! BRENDAN SHANAHAN!!!!"

I remember Gary Thorne's call: "...THE DETROIT RED WINGS HAVE WON THE 2002 STANLEY CUP!"

I remember it vividly. I don't know how many times I've replayed it on YouTube since then. But to this day, it still gives me goosebumps. It still almost makes me tear up.

To me, this wasn't just a hockey team playing a hockey game for a hockey prize. They were playing for me. They were playing for me stuck behind enemy lines, with no hope. They gave me hope. They gave me something to be happy for. They gave me something to believe in. I believed in them. They didn't let me down. They won it all.

And they won it for me.

....

A happy footnote to this story; that fall, the FAA offered my dad a relocation back to Michigan. He accepted.

We left Colorado forever on September 22, 2002.

I was back home. In Michigan.

Colorado left its scars and its damage, but I survived...thanks to the Red Wings.

All these years later, I still have an undying love for the team that pulled me through the most difficult period of my young life. It's something that'll never go away, because it can't. They're my heroes. And they always will be. The faces and names may change, but the love never will.

And that's what the Red Wings mean to me.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Beards of War reacts to Chicago's Adventures in a Salary Cap World

The Blackhawks recently decided to match San Jose's offer sheet to RFA Niklas Hjalmarsson. Chicago, the team whose cap situation, if were realized visually would look not unlike flaming Vietnamese orphans, decided to resign a 6th defenseman for 3 and a half million dollars over 4 years.

This leaves the team with roughly $100,000 in cap space with which to sign 7-8 more players to have a minimum roster.

The league minimum's about $500,000. And of those 7-8, one is Antti Niemi.

$100,000.

And now, our reaction:

AAAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAAA HAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAA

AHAHAHAHAHAHA. HA. HA. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AHAAHA

AHAHAHAHAH. AH. AH. okay.

done.

....

....


....AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

......AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHA

...AAAAAAAHAHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.......

Not enough H's and A's. So I'll let Tom Hanks finish it.



Way to go, Stan Bowman. Way to go.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Derek Boogaard = Peter Gibbons


Have you ever seen Office Space? I hope you have. It's one of my favorite movies. If you haven't, in a nutshell, it's a comedy about three guys working at a software company office in the late 90s who hate their jobs. At one point in the film, the main protagonist, Peter Gibbons, goes with his girlfriend to see an occupational hypnotherapist and Peter, normally sort of high-strung, is placed under a relaxing trance. But before the obese hypnotherapist can snap Peter out of this trance, he succumbs to a heart attack in the middle of the session, leaving Peter stuck in the trance.

Peter is now completely relaxed in his life and starts skipping work, uncaring of the consequences and preparing to start his lifelong dream of "doing nothing." Anyway, at one point in the film, while arriving at work to pick up some things before leaving, he is reminded by his friend Michael that he has an appointment with some consultants. Peter goes in to see the two men and is completely brutally honest about his slacking off at work, his displeasure with his multiple bosses, and admits he just doesn't care.

Now I know, this is a hockey blog and not a film blog, but here's my point. During the consultant scene, Peter admits: "I'd say in a given week, I probably only do fifteen minutes of real, actual work."

One could say the same of Derek Boogaard.

And that is the point of that story.

If you're one of those who purposefully avoid the tragically hilarious, then you might now know that that genius GM of the Rangers, Glen Sather, recently signed known totem pole Derek Boogaard to an ACTUAL SERIOUS CONTRACT worth $6.6 million over 4 years. This for a guy who has scored as many goals in the last four years as I have. Dude hasn't even played a full season in the NHL yet. I'm guessing Sather thinks money grows on trees. Or in his own ass.

That's right. Derek Boogaard is getting paid $1,625,000 this upcoming season.

A goon.

Over a million and a half dollars.

Y'know, if Peter were making that kind of scratch, he probably wouldn't have needed to see a hypnotherapist, nor would he hate his job. I mean, C'MAAN.

Assume Boogaard plays in 60 games. Assume he plays 7 minutes a night. That's a total of 420 minutes, or 7 total hours. Seriously, give this man's agent a medal and a bologna sandwich, because if I were paid 1.625 million for 7 hours of work, I WOULD NOT BE PUTTING MY ENTIRE FUTURE IN DEBT IN COLLEGE. $3,869 a minute. Think of all the 900 numbers you could call if you made that kind of scratch. $232,140 an hour! Try and get THAT at McDonald's!

And to complete the film reference from earlier...think of all the new red Swinglines you could get.

Monday, July 5, 2010

R.I.P. Bob Probert - One Tough Sonofabitch

It's confirmed; former Red Wing and Blackhawk enforcer Bob Probert died today after collapsing on a boat in Lake St. Clair.

It's actually very hard for me to try and formulate some kind of "tribute" or anything with my words; mostly because his time with the Red Wings started in 1985 (when I was born) and ended before I was 8 years old, so my memories of him and the team at that time are fuzzy at best...so if I tried to make some big, emotional tribute, it would just come off as cheesy and dishonest.

However, this doesn't mean I totally lack any memory of him at all. Not to mention the internet has given us the YouTube, so all the old fans can go back and rewatch some of the classic Probert brawls against guys like Tie Domi. That's how I went back and "relived" Probert's best moments and how I became "re-enamored" with the man.

Or...y'know, there's also "Battle of the Blades." Probert was such a dude, he could make figure skating manly.

This also doesn't mean I won't say some kind words about Probie. So here goes.

There may never be another enforcer like Bob Probert; he was the best. He wasn't a "goon" whose only job was to go out, get in a fight, and stay on the bench the rest of the game. Probert was a "don't fuck with my team" guy. He played and lived hard...maybe a little too hard. His issues with drugs and alcohol are well-documented, so I don't feel I should bring them up right now. All I can say is I hope they weren't involved with his passing today.

My friend Sylvia used to tell me stories about Bob Probert hanging out in her basement when she was growing up in Windsor. Helluva guy.

How many enforcers nowadays could score 29 goals and 62 points in a season, IN ADDITION to 398 penalty minutes? None. They just don't make 'em like they used to, and nor will they. It's a different era, anyway.

I've always been the type who falls hard into nostalgia, and all the pictures one can find of Yzerman next to Probert definitely hit home. Sometimes I wonder what it'd be like if Probert had stayed with the Wings when they won their Stanley Cups...or what it'd look like to see him lifting said Cup.

So to the greatest fighter to ever don the Winged Wheel OR the Injun head - I say rest well, Probie. May you find the peace we've all wished for you. Also, if there is a heaven, and if there is a God, and if you're there with them both, make sure you keep 'em all safe. We all know you could. Also, punch St. Peter right in the face, he's getting a little cocky. Take his sainthood away too. I think "St. Probert" sounds better, anyway.

To the cosummate teammate and enforcer.



Bob Probert. One tough sonofabitch.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

The (Hilarious) Implosion of the 2010 Stanley Cup Champs

When the Chicago Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup, it was a dark day for humanity. But when we realized that their horrendous contracts would soon catch up to them, it got a little better.

But what we didn't know was just how bad it would be for them...and how hilarious it would be for us.

So many of their regular season and playoff heroes have been traded off for peanuts, and while Blackhawks fans seem so quick to dismiss these players as worthless (when just two months ago they were GODS AMONG MEN...typical bandwagon response), we all know what they meant to the team.

What's also hilarious is watching these hockey n00bz get angry without having any real understanding of how the salary cap works or the sheer idiocy of their own front office.

Ah, bandwagoners....

Beards of War has produced this short film attempting to detail just how much of the team has been sold off in order to pave the way for more mediocre players with smaller salaries.

Man, that salary cap's a BITCH, ain't it?