So after the longest summer in what seems like decades (check the facts: this year's offseason was a staggering 648 days long), real legitimate hockey is BACK in the state of Michigan. The Red Wings are all set to open the season tonight at home against Corey Perry - Licensed Douchebag and Ryan Getzlaf's bald spot. After an offseason in which Anaheim lost their best defenseman, will they be able to overcome Detroit's newfound UBER depth?
I mean, shit, Detroit's been a deep team for 25 years, but this is arguably the deepest they've been in the salary cap era. We got Mike Modano, dammit.
Beards of War feels it necessary to kick off the season in style, with a live/unlive blog - sort of like what we did with the NHL Awards. We'll record our thoughts here and post the entire shebang when the game's over. Of course, we'll probably tweet a shit ton during the game too (for the inevitable terrible reffing decisions, and also how creeped out we are about the headless Ovechkin commercial), just so you know we're alive.
Also, we promise to stop referring to ourselves collectively; it's only one guy. And he's a dick.
Now without further adieu....Ducks at Wings: THE LIVE/UNLIVE BLOG!
Pregame Comments:
- Kronwall's glasses in that pregame segment were Waldotastic.
- Mike Modano looks REALLY good in red.
- I really missed Jiri Hudler too. HATERS GONNA HATE, I still love ya, Happy.
- Pregame ceremonies! Hey, check out Eaves' and Miller's hair.
- Mike Modano getting the loudest ovation in the pregame introduction (a little louder than Lidstrom, I'd say.)
- It's time for RED WINGS HOCKEY AAAHHHHH
1st Period:
- 0:00 - Ducks win opening faceoff, but miss it. It flies all the way back behind their net. Because they're stupid.
- 0:34 - I was not aware Jason Blake still played hockey. I could've sworn he melted.
- 1:52 - Modano cheered as he touches the puck. Everyone loves this guy...and his wife.
- 2:20 - Why does Larry Murphy not look drunk? He's not ready for opening night.
- 3:50 - Holmstrom interfered with, knocked down; no call. Good to see the refs are ready for opening night.
- 4:27 - Ryan Getzlaf is still a dickbag. A BALDING dickbag.
- 5:11 - BEAUTIFUL passing and Franzen SCOOOOREEESSS~ Jesus. Terrible angle shot off a beautiful pass and he STILL buries it.
- 5:35 - MIKE MODANO SCORES!!!! Sacrifice pass from Cleary, Modano doesn't miss. First game as a Wing, he scores, place goes NUTS!
- 7:40 - Getzlaf goes to hit Flip, Flip hits back, knocks Getz on his ass. Love it.
- 9:08 - Ducks being called for a penalty, finally. Probably not that near-board Andy Sutton gave to Brad Stuart, though. Probably something cheaper.
- 9:08 - Nope, high-sticking against Bobby Ryan. Meh.
- 9:08 - Also, just heard about the Ondrej Pavelec situation in Atlanta...whoa. That's very very scary. Hope he's okay.
- 10:00 - Yikes. Really great chance by Datsyuk after a beautiful pass, but Hiller blocks it.
- 11:08 - Anaheim kills off the penalty. Good chances, though.
- 11:24 - Pavs gives the puck up (eek), but Jimmah saves the day with a glove save.
- 13:56 - I didn't know Cam Fowler grew up in Michigan. Neat. Also, Corey Perry still sucks.
- 15:15 - Ducks bringing the pressure now. Jimmah standing tall. Wings' defensive play still looking good - lots of takeaways.
- 18:47 - Getzlaf and Perry attempting to dogpile Jim Howard after the whistle. Fuck those two. Douchebags. Getz giving trashtalk to the Wings' bench; don'cha know the new C on Getz's jersey stands for "cunt"? Cuz it does.
- 20:00 - Still 2-0 Wings. Getzlaf's hairline is still receding. Corey Perry is still a fuckstick.
2nd Period:
- 0:00 - Ducks win faceoff, but catch it this time. Douchers.
- 1:07 - Matt Beleskey with a shot right at Jim's wheel, catches it easy. He's solid so far...doesn't look shaky at all. Good sign.
- 2:00 - Three on one with Pavs, Lids, and Homer....Lids' pass to Pavel bounced way high. Damn. That was a quality chance.
- 2:30 - Ducks with all sorts of interference and holding on Modano, no call. Figures.
- 5:35 - PAVEL SCOOOOORES! Wow. 5-hole. Right through Hiller's balls. El-kabong.
- 6:54 - Brendan Mikkelson with a brilliant move....but Howard stops it. Awesome!
- 10:30 - Ryan Getzlaf still sucks. Hey Kronwall, how about Kronwalling that guy?
- 12:00 - LOL. Ducks #23 getting away with ridiculous amounts of interference. Schmuck. Refs.
- 13:04 - PAVEL DANGLING! DAAANGLING! HE'S HOOKED....no call. Refs. OH, here comes the bitch Ducks. Salei vs. Sutton, Brookbank vs. Datsyuk, and Corey Perry cheapshotting the bench (and Hudler....what the fuck?). Fuck that guy.
- 13:04 - Perry gets 10 for misconduct. Sutton 2 for roughing. Salei 2 for roughing. Holmstrom 10 for misconduct. Bullshit. Homer shouldn't have got anything. Getzlaf should've been in the box for unsportsmanlike.
- 16:05 - Cleary (and puck) slam past Hiller into the net. They wave it off (of course). I wouldn't count it though, goalie couldn't make the save, really. Shouldn't be a minor penalty though. Net is *slightly* off before puck goes in. They're going to review.
- 16:05 - HOLY LORD IT COUNTED. WHAT?! Wow. I'm stunned. Awesome. Wow. Makes up for all the terrible blown calls so far this game. CLEARY GOAL! 4-0 Wings.
- 19:00 - Jimmy is standing fucking tall tonight, ladies and gents. He is ON. Wings in midseason form tonight, I love it. They're not fucking around.
- 20:00 - 4-0 Wings after two periods. Also seeing reports of Atlanta goalie Ondrej Pavelec being conscious and his vital signs are normal. Good to hear, that was scary for sure.
3rd Period:
- 0:00 - Missed the first faceoff because I was making a really bad Toni Lydman/Foreigner joke. Sue me.
- 1:40 - I swear, there's only been like, one actual non-offsetting penalty call this game. Which is weird, considering how dirty Anaheim is.
- 7:15 - It's really hard to type little things when there's no break.
- 7:31 - Anaheim (Getzlaf, namely) with some REALLY cheap shit on Zetterberg. Perry tries to fight Datsyuk - AND HE OBLIGES! AND WHIPS PERRY'S ASS! AND GETS THE TAKEDOWN! DATSYUKIAN DECKS! This is the greatest game fucking ever.
- 8:35 - 42 minutes of penalties...only two power plays. That's fucking hilarious. Ducks are scumbags.
- 10:07 - Parros with a 10 minute misconduct and a 2 for roughing. I guess the Ducks are just gonna be cheap the rest of the game instead of actually playing hockey. Go back to the LNAH, you losers.
- 12:03 - Homer to the box for the first Duck PP of the game (I think). Probably a bad call. I missed it, haha. Whatever. Getzlaf back on the ice. Everything looks a bit more AIDS-y.
- 12:45 - Yow. I don't know how Howard stopped that Selanne shot. Skill.
- 13:45 - Cleary with a shorthanded breakaway, has puck poked away by Visnovsky. Surprised he didn't get fucking tackled. Visnovsky showing some restraint, I guess.
- 16:23 - Brad Stuart and Brookbank going at it. Ducks don't care about hockey anymore. Cheap shots after every whistle. Wings answering the bell, though. You gotta love it! Also Jimmy Howard facewashing Corey Perry. God damn. You GOTTA LOVE IT. He had a total look of anger while doing it. Angry Jimmy is a scary, scary thing. Bobby Ryan in the box for being a dicknubbin.
- 17:01 - Ducks being called for too many men. Hahahahaha. Jesus Christ. Try to suck a little harder. 5 on 3 for Detroit for another 1:22.
- 17:30 - Bertuzzi getting hooked, Ducks getting ANOTHER penalty. This is the best game ever. God, Anaheim fucking sucks.
- 18:30 - Anaheim still sucking. They really don't care anymore. Corey Perry's a bitch.
- 20:00 - It's over! No cheap shots after the whistle...wow.
Postgame Comments:
- WHAT A GAME!!!
- Jim-Jam Howard kicks off the season in style with a SHUTOUT of the disgustingly cheap Anaheim Ducks...and also gives bitch-ass Corey Perry a facewash.
- Pavel Datsyuk with a Gordie Howe Hat Trick. Who knew Pavel could fight? We do now. And so does bitch-ass Corey Perry.
- Mike Modano scores his first goal as a Wing. Building went nuts, and Mike Modano looked like the N64 kid. He looked THAT happy.
- Ryan Getzlaf is a cunt.
- Corey Perry is a bitch.
- Refs, that Cleary goal doesn't make up for ALL the shit you do to us, but it's a nice start.
That's all for now. What a game! Can't wait for tomorrow night. Can't wait to see our boys kick some Blackhawk ass and ruin their stupid banner ceremony.
Until next time.
Is that a "the critic" quote at 5:35 of the second period?
ReplyDeleteYou caught me! Yes it is, haha. Good job.
ReplyDelete