Monday, June 14, 2010

Is Patrick Kane 12 years old?

For almost a week now, good and decent hockey fans everywhere have been wondering to themselves (and the rest of the internet) just how the Chicago Blackhawks managed to win the Stanley Cup. I mean, in the "good and decent God" sense; as in, "what sort of loving creator would allow such a terrible 'fanbase', a fanbase made almost entirely of bandwagoners, fairweather fans and Vince Vaughn, a fanbase that constantly and consistently flies the middle finger and other smaller, less impressive and more useless appendages in the face of the Hockey Gods, what sort of deity would allow that base to host the Stanley Cup?"

As I stated somewhere else, the Hockey Gods were either dead or asleep last season. That fucking mural still pisses me off. The fanbase is awful, but that damned mural...and their star player is a total dudebro.

Good ol' Patrick Kane. Hangin' out shirtless in limos. Drinking lots of cristal and champagne on ice and beer like it's the cool thing to do, and not merely a way to help forget the shame and total failure your life has become.

Think about it though. General disrespect for the working man? Bad hairstyles? Youthful appearance? Walking around with no shirt on? Chugging a couple beers? PEACH FUZZ? It all means one thing - Patrick Kane is 12 years old.

It's not as crazy as you think. We tracked down this interview taken on an off-day during the Cup finals. Listen to that voice. Is it true? Could Patrick Kane really be pulling one over on the whole NHL? Is this like one of those shitty Disney movies where some prepubescent pimply-face fuckstick plays in the major league through some contractual loophole or through a disguise that NO ONE IN A BILLION-DOLLAR CORPORATION SEEMS TO NOTICE? "Rookie of the Year"? God, what a shitty movie.

I digress. You be the judge.

The other option is that Patrick Kane is a eunuch, which...well, you look at that mullet and tell me "maybe" isn't an option.

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