SIDNEY CROSBY IS A BRILLIANT LEADER and other hilarious exaggerations

Y'know, Andy over at Fight Night made some good points about why Sid Crosby was a good choice for Mark Messier's "Leadership" Award. Go take a look, and then come back here. I'll wait.

....

I know, right? Isn't that funny? And totally correct as well, I might add. Does anyone out there actually believe Sidney Crosby is captain material, let alone all-round NHL *leadership* material?

Does he lead by example? No, not really. Unless you count the guys who score a majority of their easy goals from the side of the net, thereby avoiding getting pummeled by the opposing defenseman and then acting like they did something amazing.

No, unless any of the member would take a check in a Game 7 Stanley Cup Final and promptly leave the ice as if you're in immense pain and proceed to sit out the rest of said game, but manage to dash out and dance around with the Stanley Cup.

No, unless any member of the team would be on the ice in the final game of the season to score two goals *for yourself*, without a win for the team in your mind. Is selfishness/gloryhogging something a young player should look up to?

Sure, he's talented, but he's not the embodiment of a leader.

Who cares, the Messier award isn't a real award anyway. The way it really was, is that Sidney Crosby wasn't going to be awarded an actual NHL award with real prestige, so they're like "Hey Mark Messier, quit crying for a moment, we have a proposition for you. In an effort to keep up the illusion that Sidney Crosby is someone that should be looked up to, we want you to give him your tinfoil-wrapped chocolate trophy. But be careful, Las Vegas is hot and it might melt and you might cry about it." Mark Messier did not like these jabs, and cried about it.

Something else I'd like to rant about? The Richard Trophy.

Now now, I know this isn't an award that's voted on, and that's not my problem. My problem is the sheer laughability of Penguins/Crosby fans claiming he deserves it more than Stamkos, the reason being that Stamkos has more empty net goals than Crosby.

Really? Are we going to pick and choose these things to fit our asinine opinions? For one thing, let's not forget that when a team pulls their goalie, an empty net goal is not guaranteed. 95% of the team, you have to escape the six men on the ice in order to even make the shot. And as I alluded to earlier, I would wager a majority of Sidney Crosby's goals were tip-ins from the side of the net, which is PRACTICALLY an empty net since the goaltender is looking the wrong way. But fine, you're right. Empty net goals are "not real goals", and therefore should not count as a point.

And while we're at it, let's eliminate secondary assists. Seriously, picture this. Sidney Crosby is fluttering around with the puck, and gets checked by an opposition defenseman. He loses the puck, but a teammate comes and scoops it up before anyone on the other team can get it. Two of his teammates slide up the ice on a two-on-one rush (while Crosby is limping to the bench like a pussy), all the while passing with amazing precision, dazzling the one defender back. One of the teammates dekes the goalie beautifully and puts it in the net. Is it exactly *fair* to the teammates that did all the work up the ice to get the same amount of points as Crosby did, when all he did was get checked off the puck?

Or for that matter, how about we eliminate assists being worth ANYTHING? Seriously, imagine Crosby getting checked off the puck again, but this time, one of his teammates skates solo up the ice, breezing past the defenders on a breakaway. Deke, deke, through-the-legs goal. Beautiful. He gets one point for the goal. Sid Crosby gets one point for the un-assist. Is this fair?

The answer is Yes. Because it's hockey. An assist is an assist, no matter if it's a beautiful pass or a clumsy shot gone wide. And as such, a goal is a goal, no matter if it's into an empty net or a beautiful top shelf shot that goes in off the post, a weak five-hole poke, a tip-in from the side, or a blast from the left circle. Both put the puck in the net 51 times.

NHL Awards 2010 Recap

7:30 PM - Awards open with Snoop Dogg ..uh, rapping. His shirt's got an old NHL logo. Y'know. The orange one with the downward sloping letters. Also a bunch of numbers. Travis Barker's on the drums. Even my closed captioning doesn't know what the fuck Snoop's saying. Probably something about ass. They got some clips of hockey stuff going on though.

7:32 - Introducing everyone at the show. Nice to hear "Ron MacLean" and "Ed Olczyk" are NHL legends. Also Cirque du Soleil performing to The Beatles. That's hockey.

7:34 - Oh hey, it's Jay Mohr. Talking about Keno. That's also hockey. Also said "Cindy Crosby." Makes a Phoenix joke. Nice. Also claims he loves hockey now. Okay.

7:35 - "Laugh it up, Bruins fans, we laughed at you in the playoffs." Nice job. Also showed Bettman laughing. That makes me cry.

7:38 - Jay Mohr introduces Mark Wahlberg for the Calder Trophy. ("HEY CALDER TROPHY. HOW'S IT GOING? WE SHOULD DO A MOVIE TOGETHER. ....SAY HI TO YOUR MOTHER FOR ME.") Have to say, Jay Mohr did a good job with the jokes. The exchanges with the Sedins was quality.

7:41 - Tyler Myers wins the Calder. He deserves it. Still feel Jimmy was robbed and voters were hypnotized by Tyler's size more than anything.

7:43 - Tyler Myers is still talking. They're trying to play him off with the music. Also realizing Tyler Myers' neck is taller than I am.

7:44 - Luc Robitaille and Natasha Henstridge presenting the Selke award. A little awkward.

7:45 - DAT'S MY BOY! Datsyuk wins the Selke. No question. Now we get a Datsyuk speech! "I want to thank the management for paying me. I wish you'd never stop." Hahahaha.

7:47 - Showing Henrik Sedin with the Art Ross Trophy.

7:49 - George Strombolipopolopodopolous interviewing Patricks Sharp and Kane in some d-bag lounge. Kaner's lost his mullet, thank God. Still a douche. He's a manwhore. He's gonna get drunk with that showgirl later...and beat her up for change.

7:50 - Cirque du Soleil performing to The Beatles. I ...I just don't know.

7:53 - CDS just ended. Thank God, I have no idea what's going on. Feels like I have a hair in my mouth. Oh hey, it's Jay Mohr.

7:54 - Ron MacLean and Ted Lindsay about to hand out the Ted Lindsay Award.

7:56 - AO! Ovie wins the Ted Lindsay Award! Russian machine never break...and doesn't lose. Except in the playoffs. Dedicates the trophy to his dead brother. That's sweet.

7:57 - Black guy from "Daily Line" shows up, but Ovie wasn't done. Finishes speech, now black guy talks.

7:59 - Presentation about the Vancouver Winter Olympics, a comedy skit featuring Bobby Ryan and Ryan Getzlaf. About Getzlaf being a dick to Bobby because of his "silver." Dammit, why'd I giggle? I hate Ryan Getzlaf.

8:02 - Stamkos and Crosby presented with the Rocket Richard Trophy. Stamkos is very white. Rosby is very woman.

8:06 - John Slattery coming out to present the Jack Adams. I liked Joe Sacco better when he sang for the Mighty Mighty Bosstones.

8:07 - Absolutely no surprise, Dave Tippett wins the Jack Adams Award. Maybe Barry Trotz could win it some day if he got a neck. Tippett: "This is a time where people stand up and thank their owners, I would do that, but I don't know all 29 of them." Ouch!

8:09 - DB Sweeney and Jamie Kennedy presenting the Vezna...er. That's Vezina, Jamie. Awkward banter. Kennedy was playing blackjack, apparently. DB wins the "faceoff" to name the winner.

8:11 - OH FUCK YES! RYAN MILLER WINS THE VEZINA! The pride of East Lansing! Michigan pride, baby, all day. Drew Miller gets a shoutout in the acceptance speech.

8:14 - Marty Brodeur with the Jennings Trophy. As soon as that lady gets done interviewing him with it, he's going to eat it. And her. And not sexually.

8:19 - Jay Mohr with a Tracy Morgan impression. Random. Oh, now a Shinedown performance. Time to go take a leak.

8:31 - Apologies. I went to eat. Missed the Masterton Trophy award...went to Jose Theodore, who I understand gave an emotional speech. Now Jay Mohr in a bad Norm MacDonald impression introduces Jerry Bruckheimer, who is introducing the King Clancy trophy.

8:34 - It goes to Shane Doan for his leadership/community presence. Some Army dudes are presenting him with the actual hardware. Cool beans. Humble dude, not afraid to poke fun at Phoenix's situation either.

8:36 - Ugh. Hawks with the Cup. Like watching a frat guy fondle your ex.

8:38 - Some people from some ABC show introducing the Lady Byng Trophy. Closed caption said "Leddybing." Interesting.

8:40 - Marty St. Louis wins the Lady Byng. Not surprised; highest points to PIMs ratio in the league. Fifth straight nomination, first win. Owes it to Brad Richards, because "Christmas cards to the referees work real well." Marty St. Louis is a funny guy. HIGHLY underrated.

8:41 - Crosby wins the Messier Leadership Award. What is this, I don't- Crosby? A leader? "Lead the NHL since the lockout"? ARE YOU BLOODY KIDDING ME. At least Crosby admitted when he looks for leadership, he looks to Steve Yzerman. Then again, so has everyone else in the past 20 goddamn years. He's only the most complete player...no, complete MAN ever.

8:45 - Oh gross, it's Ed Olczyk. Wonder if he's gonna show us his Blackhawks thong. Ed Olczyk is a really close talker. JR: "If you had to sit next to Mike Milbury and listen to him talk for four hours, you'd cry too." HAHAAHAHA.

8:47 - Duncan Keith wins the Norris. Again, no surprise. That's like putting up a human being versus a raccoon and a trash can in a "What's Taller" contest.

8:49 - They're cutting off Dunks with the music. He says "FUCK YOU I'M STILL TALKING." Suck it, awards show protocol.

8:50 - Ryan Miller wins the NHL Foundation Award and accepts a big novelty check from Gary Bettman. Funny, the check is actually bigger than the commissioner...it probably makes better decisions, too.

8:51 - Jay Mohr's brilliant Christopher Walken impression into a Goo Goo Dolls performance. John Rzeznik looks very drunk, but I love the Goos, so all is well.

8:54 - Convinced John Rzeznik is drunk. He looks even more like a lesbian than he did 10 years ago.

8:57 - Guy LaFleur out to announce the winner of the Hart Trophy.

8:59 - Guy LaFleur announces da weener of d'Art Mem'reel Trophy is HENRIK SEDDIN. Er...Sedin. Good job. Henrik basically also tells his brother to "suck it."

9:01 - S'IT, GOOD NIGHT.

---

Let's see how I did.

HART TROPHY:
I predicted: Henrik Sedin
Who won: Henrik Sedin

VEZINA TROPHY:
I predicted: Ryan Miller
Who won: Ryan Miller

CALDER TROPHY:
I predicted: Jimmy Howard
Who won: Tyler Myers

LADY BYNG TROPHY:
I predicted: Martin St. Louis
Who won: Martin St. Louis

SELKE TROPHY:
I predicted: Pavel Datsyuk
Who won: Pavel Datsyuk

JACK ADAMS TROPHY:
I predicted: Dave Tippett
Who won: Dave Tippett

MASTERTRON TROPHY:
I predicted: I didn't.
Who won: Jose Theodore

TED LINDSAY AWARD:
I predicted: Sidney Crosby
Who won: Alex Ovechkin

MESSIER LEADERSHIP AWARD:
I predicted: Shane Doan
Who won: Sidney Crosby

All in all, either these awards were very predictable, or I made smart picks. Sidney Crosby can suck it regarding the Leadership award, because Shane Doan got a leadership award too, and his was presented by real live fucking soldiers. Tyler Myers was worthy of the Calder, but if it were me, I would've voted for Jimmah. But hey, the good news is now he doesn't have to live up that post-Calder hype like Steve Mason could not do.

Also? Jay Mohr. Funny. A lot better than anyone thought he would be. Good jokes, impressions not terrible. Still questioning Cirque du Soleil, but whatever. Good show. Better than last year.

Beards of War presents: NHL Awards 2010 Predictions

Tonight in Vegas, the stars come out. And by that, we don't mean Sidney Crosby finally admits what many of us have suspected for years. I mean it's time for the NHL Awards. Trophies awarded for the best players in the best sport Canada has to offer, and it only makes sense for the ceremony to be held in...Las Vegas. You may have heard that tonight's show will be hosted by Jay "Hockey Sucks" Mohr, who has recently been on the Tweetz trying to show how down he is with the hock (see also: selling out) by attempting to learn about Kyle Wellwood jokes. I'll believe it when I see it.

Side note: Anyone else find it absolutely hilarious they're having trouble *GIVING* tickets away to the NHL Awards in LV? Never have this problem if this shit was still in the T-Dot, Gary. I love these twists of fate. I bet he sees "Well, they won't come to an award show, but I bet if we relocated a team here from a place where they really love hockey and let it stagnate for 15 years, they'd come to know it exists! Let's find some pathetic senile investor group who doesn't mind losing half a billion dollars first!"

I wonder why Gary thought Vegas was a prime place for a hockey award show. Does Canada lack in celebrities who give a shit about hockey and/or washed-up singers like Chaka Khan? Is it because you couldn't get Snoop Dogg in Toronto? Does he have some drug-related charge he can't cross the border because of? Fuck it! Look at the A-list Canada has to offer! Kiefer Sutherland! Dan Aykroyd! Don Cherry! Howie M-..Mandel! Uh...Brent Butt? Um...oh, Alan Thicke! Anne Murray? Fuck yeah, man. You could also get Drake and Justin Bie-...you know what, never mind.

Let's get to the awards.

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THE HART TROPHY.

The Hart Trophy is given to the player who is judged to be the most important to his team. Does this necessarily mean being the best player on a team absolutely loaded with talent? Because that's what you get with Crosby and Ovechkin. Henrik Sedin was the highest scoring forward in the NHL last season on a team that's "pretty good." In my opinion, he was the MVP of his team. Washington can win without Ovechkin (which they had to, due to questionable suspensions), and Pittsburgh has no problem winning without Crosby. When Malkin is missing, either literally or figuratively, so go the Penguins.

Prediction: Henrik Sedin.

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THE VEZINA TROPHY.

The Vezina Trophy is the NHL's award for best goaltender during the regular season. It's practically a requirement to have 40+ wins and a .92x save percentage to even be nominated for the bloody thing. This year, we have Martin Brodeur (aka the BESTEST GOALIE LIKE, EVER LOL), Ilya Bryzgalov, and Ryan Miller. Brodeur got through the season with a 45-25-6 record with a 2.24 GAA and a .916 save percentage. Good numbers for a 38 year old fat guy. Ilya Bryzgalov (of Phoenix. Lol I know, rite) boasts a 42-20-6 record with a 2.29 GAA and a .920 save percentage. In Phoenix. And Ryan Miller of the Beefalo Swordslugs has a 41-18-8 record with a 2.22 GAA and a .929 save percentage.

Great numbers all around. Brodeur obviously benefits from the schemes Jersey has implemented, but that's not to say he's not a tremendous goalkeeper. This award comes down to Miller and Bryzgalov. Many will give it to Bryzgalov simply because he plays in Phoenix, where the only tradition (besides whiteouts...and white power) is sucking. Ryan Miller, however, is Buffalo's MVP. He is every year. He's absolutely stellar in every sense. He may not have the most wins of the three, but his save percentage/GAA are the best. You have to take those into account. That is why Ryan Miller gets this one.

Prediction: Ryan Miller

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THE NORRIS TROPHY.

No Lidstrom. TRAVESTY. Mike Green gets nominated for an award for "best all-around defenseman", Lidstrom is denied, and I die a little inside. For that, I don't care. Fuck this trophy.

Prediction: Duncan Keith, but who gives a shit.

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THE CALDER TROPHY.

Count Matt Duchene out. I mean, he was good, but this is really about Jimmy Howard and Tyler Myers, and any hockey pundit will tell you that. Myers had some impressive numbers for a rookie defenseman, not to mention getting a shitload of minutes and powerplay time. 11 goals, 37 assists, and +13. Damn impressive. However, Detroit's St. James Howard kicked off his rookie career with a 37-15-10 record with a 2.26 GAA and .924 save percentage. If he had 4 more wins, he'd be in Vezina territory as well...and he'd probably win. For the winner of the Calder however, I am looking at who had the biggest impact on his team.

Tyler Myers. Would Buffalo have made the playoffs without him? Probably. Ryan Miller was a force this year. You could give some of the credit for that to Myers as well though. However, the Red Wings lived and DIED by Jimmy Howard. Given the ridiculous multitudes of injuries to key players, the mediocre defense at times, and the downright shoddy officiating, Jimmy Howard came through and he came through big. I know this is irrelevant, but of the three Calder nominees, Jim got his team the farthest. Just saying. Of all the rookies, Jimmy Howard had THE biggest impact on his team. Without him, Detroit would've missed the playoffs for the first time in 20 years. Don't let the media fool you. Myers is far from a lock for this one.

Prediction: JIMMAHHHH

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THE LADY BYNG TROPHY.

Ah yes, the "gentlemanly play" category. Our own Pavel Datsyuk has won this bad good boy four years running. Can he make it a fifth? Brad Richards of Dallas and Marty St. Louis of Tampa are his competition...it always seems to be Datsyuk, St. Louis, and someone else, doesn't it? Well, you'd be correct, this is his fifth straight nomination as well. All three players posted incredible seasons, with Marty having a 94 point season playing alongside Steven Stamkos. He also only had 12 penalty minutes. Brad Richards had 91 points and 14 penalty minutes. Datsyuk had 70 points and 18 penalty minutes. You could state the case that half of Pavel's penalties were questionable (which they were) and the refs should've trusted their eyes to Dr. Rahmani, but that doesn't matter much now. I'm thinking Datsyuk's streak will end, and Marty St. Louis will finally get his damn trophy.

Prediction: Martin St. Louis

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THE FRANK J. SELKE TROPHY.

The trophy for the league's best defensive forward, here's where Datsyuk is king. He's once again nominated, along with Ryan Kesler of Vancouver and Jordan Staal of the Pittsburgh Crosbys. First, I'm counting out Ryan Kesler. Yes, 75 points is great, but you're not going to win a "best defensive forward" trophy when you're sporting a +1 goal differential, not when your competition are +19 and +17. Plus, if you have 100+ penalty minutes, you're not spending as much time playing defense as you are spending it in the fuckin' box. Staal's got the +19, is pretty good on faceoffs. He also had 41 takeaways. Wait. 41? Pavel Datsyuk had 132, and led the league in them AGAIN. He won more of his faceoffs than Jordan Staal. He had 89 hits and 33 blocked shots. Staal had more hits, and 8 more blocked shots. To me, the tremendous disparity in faceoffs and takeaways give this one easily to Datsyuk.

Prediction: Pavel Datsyuk

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THE JACK ADAMS TROPHY.

Who cares? Mike Babcock is the best coach in the NHL and we all know it. But he's not nominated because Detroit can win without him. That's why he will never be nominated and will never win. Whatever. Of Barry Trotz, Dave Tippett, and Joe Sacco, it's Tippett all day. No question.

Prediction: Dave Tippett.

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THE MASTERTON MEMORIAL TROPHY.

This is a tough one; the trophy for the player who best exhibits dedication and perseverance. As much as I'd like to say "they're all winners", that's not how it can work and we know it. Plus, that's cheesy. The nominees this year are Washington's Jose Theodore, Tampa Bay's Kurtis Foster and San Jose's Jed Ortmeyer.

Ortmeyer is nominated because of his dedication to hockey despite a hereditary blood-clotting disorder.

From NHL.com:

The veteran forward not only has to work hard each shift to ensure he has a place in the NHL, but also battles a challenging health condition that requires daily attention. At some point each day, Ortmeyer must use a needle to inject a blood thinner directly into his stomach to combat a hereditary blood-clotting disorder that has threatened not only his hockey career, but also his life.

....

The process is tricky and the timing must be precise. The blood thinner, Lovenox, needs to be in his system during the down time when he's not on the ice and it needs to be out of his system when he plays or practices so that a hard check or a high stick does not cause fatal bleeding.

Fuck. That's some heavy shit. There's really nothing else I can say about that.

Kurtis Foster is nominated because in March 2008, he hit the end boards weirdly and shattered his leg. Destroyed it. He wondered if he'd ever play hockey again, it was that bad. NHL.com again:

"After understanding exactly what kind of surgery he underwent, he later would admit that he realized he was lucky to even walk again."

And somehow, he hangs onto his hockey dream, comes back and plays rehab stints in Houston, and goes back to the Wild and puts up 7 points in 10 games. Then, in the offseason, he signs with Tampa Bay and sets a career high 42 points, also blocking shots and sometimes playing forward. All of this after destroying his leg and going through dangerous surgery. Fuck.

Jose Theodore is nominated not just because of his charity, Saves for Kids. Sure, he donated cash based on every save, win, and shutout to the NICU at Children's National Medical Center in Washington, D.C., but this is all after also losing his infant son who spent his entire life in said hospital. I can't even begin to comprehend what it feels like to lose a child (Kurtis Foster also lost an infant daughter this past year), but playing through it and becoming stronger from it is beyond anything.

Hockey players are really something else in the world of athletics; they're selfless players for the most part, but some of them are near heroic. As lame as it may sound, I don't want to pick a winner here. It just feels like it'd be slightly demeaning to the other two I didn't choose.

It's safe to say though, I have a shit ton of respect for these three guys.

Prediction: ---

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THE TED LINDSAY AWARD.

You know. The Lester B. Pearson Award. The "most outstanding player" as voted by the NHLPA. And surprise, surprise, Rosby is nominated. There's your winner.

Prediction: Bitch

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THE BRIDGESTONE MESSIER LEADERSHIP AWARD.

Crosby, Shane Doan, and Ryan Miller are up for this. And I know a lot of my Wings fan friends will hate me for this, but Shane Doan will win this one. Let's face it, the man's a great leader. He's tough, he can score, and his goal face is second to none. Never mind he flies around the ice nailing everyone. You know if he were on the Wings during that series doing that shit, you'd have LOVED it. ...well, maybe not the dirty hits, but the energy and childlike enthusiasm? His team followed that.

Prediction: Shane Doan

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Well, that's all for now. Check back later for a recap of the awards ceremony, including how bad my predictions turned out to be, when it's revealed that Sidney Crosby will actually win every single award. Even the ones he's not nominated for!

"Hockey Sucks" hosts "Hockey Awards"!

Another fine decision by (what I'm assuming is) Gary Bettman. Even if it's not, let's blame him anyway.

Looks like Jay Mohr is hosting the NHL Awards this year. Strange? A little, at least he's a sports guy, so it's an improvement over last year (lol Chaka Khan). Even if he does hate hockey. Or he used to:

"I am freaking PUMPED to be hosting the NHL awards! NHL players are the world's best athletes." - jaymohr37

Okay, Jay. You're beginning to sound like Pittsburgh in '09 and Chicago in '10 with that quick opinion turnaround. Let's calm it down, soldier, and stop pretending this doesn't have everything to do with those big bags of money.

I kid, I kid. I'm a fan, Jay Mohr.

But I'm still obligated to post this:

So that Holland guy is coming back

Yep. Ken Holland's back. So is Jim Nill.

This isn't really a shock or surprising news to anyone, and it shouldn't be. I mean, Holland's been with the team FOREVER, and has been GM for 13 years. The team's winning and it's making money. Why *wouldn't* those guys be coming back?

It's really kind of amazing how well Holland's done in his role as general manager. Four Stanley Cups, countless banners, and the most successful hockey franchise of the last 25 years...not bad for a former NHL goalie who never won a single game.

But is this *cool* news or not? I would say yes, but I am not the cool authority, but I know who is. My amigo, Franzie. Hey Franzie, what do you think?

EYYYYYYY~

Haha. Alright! Franzie likes it.

Jonathan Toews: NHL 11 Coverboy?

Word on the Tweetz is that EA Sports' monstrously successful NHL series has a coverboy for NHL 11... and it's Jonathan Toews.

Nice face, by the way.

Yes, that means it's two years in a row a Chicago Blackhack has disgraced the cover of our beloved hockey game. Don't get me wrong, Toews isn't a bad choice for a video game cover. He's accomplished quite a lot in spite of his young age. He's a much better choice than Patrick Kane was last year.

But two years in a row of Chicago? Is EA testing the resolve of hockey fans who don't buy into the "flavor of the month" that pervades the NHL nowadays? How about we do a different team every year? I'm not entirely convinced Toews was chosen for this AFTER his Conn Smythe win and Chicago's first Stanley Cup in a half century. What's next year, Brent Seabrook? It's better than Crosby, I guess, but come on!

I'm of the opinion that Ryan Miller should've been on the cover. No goalie has graced the cover of an NHL game since John Vanbiesbrouck did in 1997, and even then, he played for the fucking Panthers. Ryan Miller is perennially a fantastic player, and this year, an Olympic hero.

Even Steven Stamkos would've been a good choice. He tied for the league lead in goals last season with 53. A great young player who is only going to get better.

I don't necessarily think a Detroit player should have been on the cover, but if we're going for sheer talent and a list of trophies, Henrik Zetterberg fits the bill. Or even Pavel Datsyuk.

But nope. We're stuck with Chicago.

Again.



BRB. Vomiting with rage.

Nicolas Cage visits the 2010 World Cup

A lack of puck sure is boring, so in order to keep our minds off it, here's an arbitrary video we have of film star Nicolas Cage visiting the World Cup down in South Africa! Watch out for them vuvuzelas, Nic.

Is Patrick Kane 12 years old?

For almost a week now, good and decent hockey fans everywhere have been wondering to themselves (and the rest of the internet) just how the Chicago Blackhawks managed to win the Stanley Cup. I mean, in the "good and decent God" sense; as in, "what sort of loving creator would allow such a terrible 'fanbase', a fanbase made almost entirely of bandwagoners, fairweather fans and Vince Vaughn, a fanbase that constantly and consistently flies the middle finger and other smaller, less impressive and more useless appendages in the face of the Hockey Gods, what sort of deity would allow that base to host the Stanley Cup?"

As I stated somewhere else, the Hockey Gods were either dead or asleep last season. That fucking mural still pisses me off. The fanbase is awful, but that damned mural...and their star player is a total dudebro.

Good ol' Patrick Kane. Hangin' out shirtless in limos. Drinking lots of cristal and champagne on ice and beer like it's the cool thing to do, and not merely a way to help forget the shame and total failure your life has become.

Think about it though. General disrespect for the working man? Bad hairstyles? Youthful appearance? Walking around with no shirt on? Chugging a couple beers? PEACH FUZZ? It all means one thing - Patrick Kane is 12 years old.

It's not as crazy as you think. We tracked down this interview taken on an off-day during the Cup finals. Listen to that voice. Is it true? Could Patrick Kane really be pulling one over on the whole NHL? Is this like one of those shitty Disney movies where some prepubescent pimply-face fuckstick plays in the major league through some contractual loophole or through a disguise that NO ONE IN A BILLION-DOLLAR CORPORATION SEEMS TO NOTICE? "Rookie of the Year"? God, what a shitty movie.

I digress. You be the judge.



The other option is that Patrick Kane is a eunuch, which...well, you look at that mullet and tell me "maybe" isn't an option.

Video: Crosby/Bettman in inflammatory propaganda?

Many of you have probably seen the video making the Internet rounds of Ugandan pastor Martin Ssemba's ridiculous slideshow denouncing the private activities of homosexuals.

We at Beards of War have uncovered what appears to be a discarded version of the above video, using footage of NHL postergirl Sidney Crosby and his/her daddy Gary B. Bettman. Parental discretion is advised:




DISCLAIMER: Neither Whoabot or "Gears of War" condone prejudice,hatred, or witch-hunting against any group, regardless of race, gender, mental capability or sexual orientation. Only hockey fandom affiliation.

Hostis Humani Generis.

So...

...hey, Wings fans...

...how's things? All's good? No? I didn't think so. Today sucks. The Chicago Blackhawks have won the Stanley Cup. CHICAGO. You know, the team that in all 80+ years of existence have only managed three four Stanley Cups, this one in in 2010 and the last in 1961?

Furthermore, Marian Hossa has won the Stanley Cup. Marian freakin' Hossa. You know, the guy who's a pretty good player during the regular season, but his postseason bed has been shat in so many times, you'd think it was located in Betty White's house? Yeah, that guy. The glory chaser...has a yellow visor?

Hockey season is done for the year, and for the second straight year, a fanbase made mostly of bandwagoners and fairweather fans will get to cheer as their team brings home hockey's ultimate prize and we're subject to months of "HAHAHA WINGS FANS SUCK IT DEAD WINGS U GOLF U GOLF U GOLF". Let's face it, things kind of blow right now.

And that's kind of why I picked this time to start this blog, because things can't really get any worse, and I believe Gandhi said it best when he said, "High holy living dick, what the FUCK is this shit?!"

But the good lord knows you can't live your life being negative. So let's swallow the bile creeping up in our throats and offer a congratulations to all the Blackhawks fans who have stood by their team, even when they sucked. So to all four of you, I say congratulations. Savor the moment. Because when cap hell hits you in the summer, you're fucked, buddies.

Let's take a little solace in the fact that the NHL's Central division is once again the most dominant, even if the stupidest fart-sniffing team in the division won it all. So yes! West is best, and the East can suck it. The Wings fans who backed their division to the Cup made the right choice. Unfortunately, you backed Chicago, which is a sin. And for those who are still excited, calling Kane and others "your boys", or by saying "WE won", you're suspended from the Red Wings fanbase until further notice. Patrick Kane should never be anyone's boy, because he's mean to cabbies. And a douche. And he has a mullet. And I have this authority.

The Chicago Blackhawks are one of the NHL's most historically bad franchises, and this year's Cup wins definitely puts them on the list of hockey's elite. I mean, Christ, you won a Stanley Cup for the first time in nearly 50 years. That puts you guys on a list of puck powerhouses like the Tampa Bay Lightning and the Calgary Flames! AND you did it in the salary cap era, so you're even up there with the Carolina Hurricanes! You guys should be super proud of yourselves!

Let's not forget to mention all of the "Dead Things suck" and other various totally clever Red Wings-related chants and insults are completely warranted now. Never mind the fact that you only have four Stanley Cup wins in your history (the same as we have in the last 13 years), never mind the fact this is only your third straight year making the playoffs (we have 19), never mind the fact that the Blackhawks have a historically losing record in both the playoffs and regular season, YOU are the Stanley Cup champions! And I know, you see all these stats I've just shown, and you say "it's irrelevant, Mr. Red Wings man, as a Blackhawks fan, I don't live in the past, I live in the present!" to which I say SMART MOVE! If I were a Blackhawks fan, I wouldn't want to live in the past either, because...well, come on. That's not even because most current Hawks fans have no knowledge of the team prior to 2007.

But hey. It's a new season coming up. Shit, we got the draft. That's gonna be exciting, especially when we draft before Chicago, who will no doubt draft a total bust. It's a lot easier to get super special players when you draft in the top 5 every year, eh? We also have July 1st, which will be like fucking Christmas when the current Blackhawks squad enters CAP HELL. Enjoy that.

But seriously (and I mean this), and on a far less bitter note, I do know a few Blackhawks fans who have been so as long as I've known them. Enjoy it, guys. Lord knows you've waited long enough, and there's really nothing cooler than seeing those fans rewarded after all the disappointment they've had to endure, especially amongst the bandwagoners and fairweather fans. It sucks for us Wings fans, seeing you hoist that Cup just across the lake, but rest assured it will be ours next year.

And at least Marian Hossa didn't score the winning goal.

And at least Sidney Crosby didn't win it again.

And at least it stays in the Original Six.

And at least it stays in the West.

And finally, at least we didn't have to hear fucking "Chelsea Dagger" again. Thank Christ.

See you at the draft. Red Wings for LIFE.