Can we pretend that didn't happen?

We can. But they better not.

There's really nothing one can say about a 10-3 shitfest other than "ewwww. I hope I don't feel this in the morning." It's really a lot like your prom date.

Not mine. I didn't go to prom.

This was one of the worst games I've ever seen played, so I'm not going to say much about it. The whole team looked like shit and I'm pretty sure Thomas McCollum's gonna have nightmares. Bad nightmares. Like being scored on by Roman Polak. Eeeeew.

That's all I'll say because I don't feel like taking my noteworthy and classy blog and devolving it into curse words and the phrase "shitty poop" over and over again.

Oh, and at some point, I'll be sure to type up my H2H2 post (two weeks late!), and maybe something else. I'm not quite to the point of giving up BoW in spite of a ridiculous amount of personal issues taking place. So...yeah. Enjoy your scotch tonight, you poor poor Red Wings fans.

Wings, Kings 'n Things - March 9 Preview

Oh. Hello there. Before I get started with this preview, I should let you know that I do not plan on using any of Charlie Sheen's memes during the course of this entry or in any entries that should come after, the lone exception, of course, being "winning" - as we all know, this was a Detroit tradition before a Charlie Sheen tradition.

I know it's a huge thing now, oh my god, everyone's joining in the Charlie Sheen bandwagon - even the Twitter accounts of professional sports teams and corporations that take in billions of dollars and are usually well respected worldwide. I have a feeling that in 10 years, we'll look back at where we were when we spouted these phrases at each other in real life with cringe, a shudder, and a "God, why". Charlie Sheen memes are essentially the mullet/Zubaz pants combo of the early 2010s.

Our "winning" has to do with a smartly run organization with a tradition of success - his is "I love my out-of-control-coke-fueled-downward-spiral-skank-bangin'-life AND YOU DON'T GET IT BEAHWHAHWINNING." Differences.

Now you may be asking why I'm writing up a preview of a game. After all, I've never done that before. I usually do humorous entries after games, or even during games. The answer is simple - I'm going to the game. And so are a lot of you. Maybe you'll see me, so you can say "my, you are far less impressive in person." I look forward to it!

Here we go, the records: Detroit (39-19-8) vs. Los Angeles (36-25-5). Number two in the West vs. number eight.

Number two is an appropriate name for the Wings after crapping out last game vs. Phoenix - after going up 4-1 at the end of the second (the fourth goal coming from a beautiful dangle from the one and only...Darren Helm), the Wings choked up three goals to the Great Ownerless Wonder and eventually lost in the skills competition. That's harder to swallow than a scorpion made of farts. Of course, the Blo-yotes first goal shouldn't have counted, since Brett MacLean was essentially tapdancing on Jimmy Howard's skull. But since, as Larry Murphy said, "odfhdskiguhfdguidfgh I'm drunk, hot dogs" and something about "owning ice", the refs let it stand - which is total shit, because Murph is drunk and doesn't know anything. He's like the Queen Elizabeth of the Fox Sports broadcast team - at one point, he was important, but now he's just there and sometimes spouts confusing and sometimes offensive things...and is a drunk with a hot dog problem.

Broadcasting excellence.

The positive in all of that is that the Wings picked up a point, but that's like saying "well, at least I have ONE leg. It's better than none!" Yeah, but I want two legs. Or at least a kick-ass motorized wheelchair. No one's buying you a kick-ass motorized wheelchair when you choke away three goal leads, kids - it's a lesson for life.

The Kings are also coming off an overtime loss, theirs coming against Dallas and at the hands of Brenden Morrow. But really, who cares about that? Steve Ott sucks.

Though the Wings' road tour was the west coast was not totally successful (the only win coming against LA in a 7-4 game that should've been 7-1), I think we're all aware of the Wings' woes when it comes to games at home recently. What was the record for home games in February - 2-4-0 (and 7-9-2 since the start of December)? Tonight is the first home game in the month of March for Detroit, and we're all hoping they kick the month off the right way...you know, maybe like, two hat tricks. Maybe someone scores eight goals and tells Joe Malone to get out of the record books. Hey, maybe an Ovechtrick! I mean...that can happen, right?

All kidding aside, Detroit is losing ground to Vancouver for tops in the West - a nine point gap separates them (95 to 86). Detroit has two games in hand on the Canucks, though. Plus, hey, the more points they can get above Chicago, the better (by the way, they lost to Florida tonight. 8-game win streak. Gone. To Florida. In regulation, too. How hilarious is THAT?!). L.A. currently sits 8th in the West with 77 points (it's a real tenuous hold, too - that whole area of the standings is one big clusterfuck. Plus, Minnesota is like, RIGHT THERE).

Kill the losing streak. Don't allow early goals. Don't allow wimpy goals. Play all 60 minutes. Dangle some motherfuckers. Make me happy. 2 points. Let's get it. See ya at the game!

Stop me if you've heard this one...

I'm more or less just writing this in an attempt to shake off the rust and get funny again. If not funny, then not a colossal waste of time.

Today is February 22, 2011. We're about 60 games into the season, so why the hell am I having PTSD about last year's playoffs? Seriously, check it..

• Wings playin' the Sharks
• 4-3 Wings loss
• Devin Setoguchi
• Buncha fucked up refereeing
• Todd McLellan getting jumped on by Mario as he goes to save the Princess

But hey, the Wings won 5 straight before this one. And hey, Jim Jam made almost 40 saves. That's...well, that's subpar defense, but super cool goaltending. Joey MacDonald sucks.

The scoring gets started with 8 seconds left in the first when Joe Thornton whacks the puck in and everyone on Twitter was like "oh fuck" "this....jfc" "STANDARD" and I was like "lol" cuz I was in class and couldn't watch half the game. It's not stopping me from writing about it like I saw it though. If Fox News can do it, so can I. JOURNALISTIC INTEGRITY.

But then in the second, Dan Cleary was all like "What are y'at, boys? How's she goin', buddy?" and scores a goal, because he's from Newfoundland. Rocks of Merasheen.

But then later, the OTHER Newfoundland b'y, Ryane Clowe, scores a goal. But that sucked, and we don't want his maggoty fish. They're no good for supper. So then good ol' Danny Cleary comes in 'n scores anudder. God bless yar cotton socks, Danny, me ol' cock. 'e's the b'y that shoots the puck and 'e's the b'y that scores.

Then everything goes some crooked and Floppy McGee Divin' Slip-o-...guchi scores two more and everyone's like "fuck", and then Zetterberg scores one on the powerplay, and that's it. Wings lose 4-3.

Sorry about all the Newfin'. I'm Newf at this. ....me b'y.

Oh, one last note: I'm back on the Twitter after a brief hiatus. You can find me at @emersojo. Follow me. Let's be friends...again.

Shame.

This post has nothing to do with the Red Wings, but I hope you'll overlook that and be all "oh, cool, BoW is...sort of back."

But uh...Marc Savard's career may be over. He's got another concussion.

And to think that this all started from a late, dirty hit to the head that everyone in the world saw...except the referees (I'm sure they saw it - they just never called it). And everyone in the world saw it as very worthy of punishment...except Colin Campbell.

One of the greatest playmakers in the game and this is how he might go out? Disgusting. Sometimes the game is bigger than the Penguins, NHL - and don't kid yourselves, that's the only reason Matt Cooke didn't even get a slap on the wrist (but I guess they felt it was a serious enough problem to make a new rule about it [which they scarcely follow], and *that's* Matt Cooke's "punishment".) Sick.

He had a history of this bullshit, too. Anyone on any other team would've gotten the Bertuzzi treatment.

I really don't understand how Ben Eager can get a 4 or 5 game suspension for a sucker punch, but Matt Cooke gets nothing for anything he does...and I *hate* Ben Eager. And I'm not really a Bruins fan either.

The NHL is run by incompetents. It's so tragic the greatest sport in the world is controlled by idiots who seem to want to kill it and drive away the die-hard fan so they can bring in the dollars of sheep and bandwagoners and fairweather fans.

Even more shameful are the Pittsburgh fans who either a.) laugh at Savard's state, or b.) stick up for Matt Cooke. The fuck's wrong with you?

Sorry, NHL fans. Sorry, Marc Savard. You deserve better.

400.

Congrats, buddy. You earned it.

We take a break from your regularly scheduled nothing...

I realize that I've been neglectful of Beards of War lately (late semester shenanigans and finals studying really takes away from my slackin' off time), and for that, for those who read this and like it, I apologize. For everyone else, why are you here?

But I would just like to take this moment to say Nicklas Lidstrom is amazing. Career hat trick number....one. In game number 1,442. I mean who DOES that? Oh yeah. Lidstrom does.

Congrats, Nick. And thanks for the curly fries.

TEE PEE AITCH! TEE PEE AITCH! TEE PEE AITCH! TEE PEE AITCH!

Let My People Go - and by people, I mean Curly Fries

I'm certain I don't need to go into any detail explaining the massive popularity of #OperationCurlyFries, since most of you visit this blog from Twitter. Just in case though, I'll give you the briefest rundown I can:

Arby's changed our hat trick reward from curly fries to a Jr. Roast Beef Sandwich. We want our fries back.

Now, I personally feel that a Jr. Roast Beef isn't a horrible thing to get for something that only happens in about 5% of hockey games. But as it has been said time and time again, it just doesn't seem right. After all, it's been curly fries for ages. When a player has two goals, they're thinking curly fries. They're not thinking "roast beef". That sounds perverted, too.

Surely it's not a cost-cutting measure. Each of those items is what, a buck and a half? And like I said, it's something that happens in maybe 5% of hockey games. Of course, our percentage could be higher if the Wings were given powerplay opportunities for all the ridiculous stick fouls on Datsyuk (or really anyone) every time he enters the offensive zone that never get called for whatever reason.

Bottom line: We need curly fries. It's like replacing Dick York with Dick Sargent on "Bewitched". Sure, he gets the job done, but it's not the same. He doesn't even look the same. Dick Sargent looks like a jerk. He's smug. How are they gonna change Darrens on us like that? I *LIKED* Dick York. Plus, Dick Sargent? His name sounds like a 5th grade playground insult. "HEY DICK SARGENT. YOU GONNA GO SARGENT ...A DICK?" Yeah, I know. It's "sergeant", but whatever.