What Next, Gary?

(For the latest on this ridiculously asinine story, go here)

What next, Gary? Gonna ban “Don’t Stop Believing” from being played because the crowd shouting a particular lyric might be distracting to the commentators?

Gonna ban beer at the game because some people might have too much and start a ruckus?

Hey, how about banning skate blades because they might cut someone!

Ban “___ sucks” chants because children might hear them and/or someone’s feelings might get hurt!

Our tradition is ours. Not a soul in the city had a problem with it - not even the police - until recently, and we all know who is to blame.

Throwing the octopus is older than you, Gar. Stop masquerading your hatred of our hockey team and its die-hard fans in the guise of “safety first”. No one who threw red handkerchiefs at the last Chicago game got fined, did they? How about the guys who threw catfish on the ice in Nashville?

No. Only Detroit.

And not just a fine, but a blemish on one’s record too? That’s low.

But it’s understandable. New fans wouldn’t *get* tradition - and that’s all the NHL cares to cater to.

(And CHRIST, aren’t there other things in Detroit that the courts would be better used for? Just ask fans of the Pens and Hawks!)

Stop me if you've heard this one...

I'm more or less just writing this in an attempt to shake off the rust and get funny again. If not funny, then not a colossal waste of time.

Today is February 22, 2011. We're about 60 games into the season, so why the hell am I having PTSD about last year's playoffs? Seriously, check it..

• Wings playin' the Sharks
• 4-3 Wings loss
• Devin Setoguchi
• Buncha fucked up refereeing
• Todd McLellan getting jumped on by Mario as he goes to save the Princess

But hey, the Wings won 5 straight before this one. And hey, Jim Jam made almost 40 saves. That's...well, that's subpar defense, but super cool goaltending. Joey MacDonald sucks.

The scoring gets started with 8 seconds left in the first when Joe Thornton whacks the puck in and everyone on Twitter was like "oh fuck" "this....jfc" "STANDARD" and I was like "lol" cuz I was in class and couldn't watch half the game. It's not stopping me from writing about it like I saw it though. If Fox News can do it, so can I. JOURNALISTIC INTEGRITY.

But then in the second, Dan Cleary was all like "What are y'at, boys? How's she goin', buddy?" and scores a goal, because he's from Newfoundland. Rocks of Merasheen.

But then later, the OTHER Newfoundland b'y, Ryane Clowe, scores a goal. But that sucked, and we don't want his maggoty fish. They're no good for supper. So then good ol' Danny Cleary comes in 'n scores anudder. God bless yar cotton socks, Danny, me ol' cock. 'e's the b'y that shoots the puck and 'e's the b'y that scores.

Then everything goes some crooked and Floppy McGee Divin' Slip-o-...guchi scores two more and everyone's like "fuck", and then Zetterberg scores one on the powerplay, and that's it. Wings lose 4-3.

Sorry about all the Newfin'. I'm Newf at this. ....me b'y.

Oh, one last note: I'm back on the Twitter after a brief hiatus. You can find me at @emersojo. Follow me. Let's be friends...again.

Let My People Go - and by people, I mean Curly Fries

I'm certain I don't need to go into any detail explaining the massive popularity of #OperationCurlyFries, since most of you visit this blog from Twitter. Just in case though, I'll give you the briefest rundown I can:

Arby's changed our hat trick reward from curly fries to a Jr. Roast Beef Sandwich. We want our fries back.

Now, I personally feel that a Jr. Roast Beef isn't a horrible thing to get for something that only happens in about 5% of hockey games. But as it has been said time and time again, it just doesn't seem right. After all, it's been curly fries for ages. When a player has two goals, they're thinking curly fries. They're not thinking "roast beef". That sounds perverted, too.

Surely it's not a cost-cutting measure. Each of those items is what, a buck and a half? And like I said, it's something that happens in maybe 5% of hockey games. Of course, our percentage could be higher if the Wings were given powerplay opportunities for all the ridiculous stick fouls on Datsyuk (or really anyone) every time he enters the offensive zone that never get called for whatever reason.

Bottom line: We need curly fries. It's like replacing Dick York with Dick Sargent on "Bewitched". Sure, he gets the job done, but it's not the same. He doesn't even look the same. Dick Sargent looks like a jerk. He's smug. How are they gonna change Darrens on us like that? I *LIKED* Dick York. Plus, Dick Sargent? His name sounds like a 5th grade playground insult. "HEY DICK SARGENT. YOU GONNA GO SARGENT ...A DICK?" Yeah, I know. It's "sergeant", but whatever.

HEY WISNIEWSKI, THERE ARE CHILDREN WATCHING.

Oh hey, remember yesterday during the Rangers/Islanders game when James Wisniewski made a "colorful" gesture to noted douchebag and fashionista Sean Avery? Here it is, in case you live under a cock- er...I mean, a rock.

Ohoho. Wiz, you character. That's not how you eat a push pop! You gotta push it from the bottom. You get more fruity goodness that way. Or maybe he's trying to show Avery how to properly use a Shake Weight. I mean, shit, that thing shreds your forearms. Makes you huge. No, you know what it is? Wiz was doing Santa Claus karaoke. HO HO HO~ HO HO HO. I mean, Sean Avery IS an elf, right? Right?

All kidding aside, the NHL has set the precedent this season that they will crack down on shenanigans. Evil shenanigans, like what Wiz did above. That evil shit will get you benched for two games. However, they're still going to be a little light on "fun" shenanigans. Y'know. Like in the video below:

Boys will be boys! Those kinds of cute things...oh, hockey players. See, that gets a two game suspension as well. So seriously, we must ask ourselves, deep down, we must know..."what the FUCK?!"

I just think it's terrible we're fans of a sport whose main officiating body sees the two events shown above as being equal in terms of discipline. I mean, how do we explain that to our children? How do we explain the motion Wiz was making? I mean, Jesus, when I watch a fucking hockey game with my hypothetical children, when we see someone get flattened by a dirty hit and lay on the ice for minutes while they bleed and lose teeth, we all cheer that as part of the game. That's totally okay. But when I see someone give Sean Avery the business with a dirty gesture, that just tears my fake family apart. The kids cry. The dog barks. The cat pukes. I yell at my wife. She screams at me with her super-high shrill bitch voice. She makes fun of my penis. I tell her her vagina looks like Andre the Giant's armpit. She threatens me with a restraining order and she takes my fake kids out to fake Illinois to live with her fake parents while she "sorts her fake life out." I eventually fall into despair and lose all my money gambling on termite races in a back alley and am forced to support my habit by performing unspeakable acts on traveling salesmen - JUST AS LONG AS I DON'T MIME IT, GOD FORBID.

Look, I get that there are kids watching. I also get that there are adults and parents watching. The NHL is not your fucking babysitter. It's not up to them to explain every little thing to your child; every little questionable thing that MAY show up, every gesture, every word, every hit. It's up to you as a parent to explain and guide and protect your own children. Unless you're a brand new fan or a bandwagoner, you know exactly what to expect when you watch a hockey game, ESPECIALLY when it's between two old rivals. You expect fights, violence, and a bit of unsportsmanlike conduct. It's hockey for Christ's sake. If you sit down with your kids to watch a game, YOU have to be the parent. If you don't feel up to the challenge, either a.) don't be a parent, or b.) change the channel.

Think about this; which would you rather have your child "re-enacting"? Mimicking a blowjob? Or would you rather have them running kids from behind and breaking their foreheads open? Jesus, I can't even believe Wiz's gesture was somehow "more offensive" or "more detrimental" than Nick Boynton's throat slash. Oh well. Welcome to America, where the mere prospect of sexual activity is far more dangerous than actually hurting a guy. Can you imagine if Wiz had flashed his sack or mimed cupping the balls during his gesture? Oh man.

Let it be known, I'm not a Wisniewski fan. He's a bit of a shitbag, and I was of this opinion long before yesterday. Let it also be known I hate Chicago (if you've never read BoW before....by the way, I use bad language too. Hide your kids). If you think Wiz should've been suspended, but not Hjalmarsson, you're insane. And weird. And I don't like you. Seriously, where are your priorities? I mean personally, not thinking about the NHL. But if you think both guys should've been suspended, that's fine. I personally am of the opinion that at most, Wiz should've gotten a 10-minute misconduct. But that's just me. I'm not a new hockey fan. I know what to expect.

However, Hjalmarsson ran a guy from behind. That causes injuries. That causes careers to be put in jeopardy. Marc Savard? Anyone? Oh yeah. Matt Cooke didn't get punished for that. Probably because he didn't shout "PENIS!" as he crushed Savard's brain in.

But Christ, you guys. If Hjalmarsson and Wisniewski are both going to be suspended, you've got to suspend Hjalmarsson for longer. I thought the league was trying to stop that shit. 5 games. 7 games. 10 games. But TWO? Laughable disciplinary practices. Feels like older fans are being alienated for the new baby fans. Y'know. Bandwagoners. Most hockey fans aren't going to be offended by a hummer gesture as much as they're going to be offended by watching a star player get taken out by a dirty hit.

The last thing I will say: I don't give one single piece of hairy dog shit if Hjalmarsson isn't a repeat offender. That doesn't change what he did. I don't care if he "didn't mean to do it." I also "didn't mean to" knock part of my roommate's hookah off the kitchen counter. But does that fix it? No. It's still fucking broken. And so is Pominville's face. And so is the NHL's disciplinary system.

Chicago's Bullshit Banner Thing Ruined by FUCKIN' CHRIS OSGOOD

Tonight, the Blackhawks treated their fans to the raising of their first Stanley Cup banner in 50 years (or for their fans....uh, actually, this is probably the first game they've ever seen), and here's the breakdown of it.

The game was scheduled to take place at 8:30 PM on October 9, 2010. However, that's when the banner raising ceremony started. When the actual hockey game took place, it was actually 450 years into the future, where people teleport everywhere and the cow has been replaced by a miraculous animal that provides a nice filet that contains loads of flavor, yet no fat. Also, it tastes like bacon.

Of course, I'm roughly estimating the amount of time that passed. It's probable that the ceremony was so damn long that time eventually circled back and we've gone back to a time where Chris Osgood is ridiculously solid in net. Or maybe we went forward in time to a point where there is no Chris Osgood, but rather a lifelike cyborg Chris Osgotron 3000, programmed to be the most solid goaltender you've ever seen, all while giving up an obligatory soft goal (to match its namesake.)

I'm still not sure if I watched an actual hockey game or some sort of hologram that was shot into my memory with a laser beam because I pushed a button.

Flip scored first off a beautiful pass from Franzen. Then Brent Seabrook (complete with Crosbyesque pubic facial hair) scores on the powerplay with like, a half second to go. Osgotron couldn't stop it because the Cleary hologram wasn't paying attention.

The refs were very lifelike because of the abundance of missed calls on the Chicago team, and also the needless video review on Bertuzzibot's goal. Or maybe he was a hologram too. I wonder why they wouldn't rebuild his teeth....anyway, then some Hawk scored and nobody cared. Then Filppula had another goal where he went to pass and it went through Marty Turco's pads. That was fucking terrible. I don't think that was a hologram, I think that was 485 year old Marty Turco failing to make the easiest stop.

Oh yeah, and we totally got outshot. 28 to 26.

So yeah. That's what happened. ....I still don't know what year it is. All I know is we ruined their stupid banner party and the Hawks fans got all quiet and sad. Now they can go back to not giving a shit about hockey, like they didn't two years ago.

BANDWAGON.

Apparently, Empty Gestures Are Now More Dangerous Than Kneeing a Guy

So yesterday, pre-season hockey started. Hooray! But the Wings lost. Boo. 5-1. To the Crosbys. As if that weren't bad enough, noted douchebag Brooks "Future Child Rapist/Current General Douchebag" Orpik attempted to put Johan Franzen out for a long, long time with a dangerous knee-on-knee hit in the first period while his team led 3-0. Gutless? Yes, but we shouldn't expect anything else from a team with Sidney Crosby as its captain. When Todd Bertuzzi came to Franzen's defense, he got kicked out of the game as well (misconduct loolol). Of course, Orpik got a game misconduct as well, AND a five minute major...

...but does he get anything else in terms of supplemental discipline? After all, it was a dangerous, stupid, calculated hit that could've resulted in serious injury - especially on a player with a history with those sorts of problems (and a freshly repaired ACL).

Prediction: No. Because he's a Penguin. Never mind the fact that Franzen's out at least three more preseason games because of it. As per usual, the NHL is looking at the result rather than the action.

This is incredibly stupid. It's like saying, "Well, you shot this guy's mom in the face, but the bullet only went through her cheek instead of her brain, so we're not going to take action against you." A stupid reckless play is a stupid reckless play. And Brooks Orpik is a giant piece of crap. Not that cool white 70s dog poop - but a fresh steaming wet pile left by a fat guy in your living room after he spent the night eating cabbage and drinking rotten milk and Japanese rice wine.

During the Halfhawks/Yzermans match that night as well, Chicago "defense" "man" Nick Boynton attempted to catch TB forward Chris Durno with a knee-on-knee hit. Fortunately, Durno got right back up, but Blair Jones still kicked the shit out of Boynton for being a fuckbag. Take a looksee!

The hit occurs real early in the video (check the slo-mo version at around 0:48 as well), then we see Jones just pummel the living bejebus out of Boynton. Then, in typical Chicago fan fashion, starts talking even more shit and gives a throat-slash gesture (I prefer Chris Benoit's version myself) to Jones in the box, and backs it up by saying "you're fucking dead."

Haha, oh, typical Chicago. You get your ass beat and still talk shit. You jokers.

But here's where the story gets weird. Boynton got a one-game suspension. For that gesture. Not for the KNEE...but for making a motion to a guy who just kicked his ass.

Thank God. Thank God we don't have to deal with that beast. Going around making gestures, putting all of our children in danger with empty threats...the NHL really hit the nail on the head with this one. I can just imagine Gary Bettman sitting in his office, trying to put his little legs up on his desk...leaning back, and smoking a bubble pipe. He says "BOYS...we took a stand here today. We said that we, as a league, will tolerate dangerous injury-intending hits like Matt Cooke's, Doug Murray's, and Brooks Orpik's...but we will NOT stand idly by while maniacs like Nick Boynton flail their hands around at opponents from 15 away. THIS WILL NOT STAND."

And the chirping? Who chirps at opponents? What is this, hockey?!

Hear that, NHL? You guys can kill each other and cheap shot each other all you want, but by God, if you tell the guy beforehand, you are gonna get it from the Wheel of Discipline...maybe.

Ass.

Fillerfest Continues - My Short YouTube "Conversation" with a Stupid Hawks "Fan"

No hockey and no pucks make Beards of War something something....

You might recall one of the two CHIdenfreude videos posted on this blog earlier this summer. Suffice it to say, they got some real funny/butthurt reactions from the Chicago community who were convinced and overly confident that despite the utter gutting of their team, they would not only finish ahead of Detroit in the standings, but would also repeat as Cup champs.

No seriously, you can't make this up.

Anyway, last month, one of them felt compelled to let me know how he felt via channel comment.

mylogix said:

you are a fucking idiot, i think you are just pissed off that hockey's best architect (scotty bowman) is now on the side of the chicago blackhawks. and all that is left in your peice of shit city is some abandoned car factories and trailer parks. suck it

Now, one's first reaction might be:



...which he obviously is. But really, he's right. All of our problems with Chicago fans lie with jealousy. Obviously, we are just "haters", regarding Scotty Bowman and ONLY Scotty Bowman. I had to reply to this guy with a healthy dose of smarm:

ModernExplorer (me) wrote:

Thank you for the compliment!

First of all, thanks for keeping it classy with your comments about Detroit. You're a credit to your fanbase. Though I'd like to inform you that I don't actually live in Detroit Proper, although I've been there a number of times. I'm not sure to which area of the city you refer to, since the downtown area where Joe Louis Arena is located is actually a pretty nice place to be. Y'know, nice buildings. Shopping. Eateries. Also, you seemed to be misinformed; there actually are no trailer parks located in the City of Detroit. That's more of a Downriver thing.

Second of all, I'd like to remind you that Scotty Bowman is not an "architect", he was never the General Manager of Chicago OR Detroit; he only coached the players that were there, and the only team he WAS the GM of was the Buffalo Sabres. And I'd like to remind you that he never coached in Chicago and his position within that organization is strictly for show and has no actual power. In reality, his son is the only one with power and is pretty fucked over at the moment because of the last guy.

But I do thank you for your input on my videos and the city in which my team plays. Your words have been noted and thrown out.

mylogix replied:

ahh, if you really believe what you said about scotty then sir, i am finished with you. with his experience, if you think he isn't playing a big role in chicago helping his son, then you are a fucking idiot. oh and im sorry for not keeping it classy, you set the bar so high in your shitty little video. and if you think the hawks are fucked, you should look at your own washed up team who mostly have passed their prime. oops i forgot you signed madano, good luck with that.

ModernExplorer wrote:

Dear Raving Lunatic:

So you agree with me! Scotty Bowman is a figurehead in Chicago. His position has no actual power, he's there for "motivation" for his son? Except you're also forgetting he was taken aboard prior to his son's hiring as GM. Don't forget that.

Secondly, why the name calling? Are you upset about something? I can't imagine why in the world you w- oh. Never mind. That was my bad.

Thirdly, you're forgiven. You're right, I am a classy fellow. I apologize (not) if you took offense to my "shitty little" video (which is a large video, in terms of size), but the fact of the matter remains everything in it is true! Your inability to handle the truth is cute. Unfortunately, it would seem that you've never been to Detroit or anywhere near in order to make your observations. Maybe you should come take a visit. Wear your Hawks jersey. I promise you won't lose an arm.

Finally, yes yes, I've heard that all before - the Red Wings are "old" and "washed up"....geez, it seems they've been that way for the nearly two decades, and yet, in spite of this, they've managed to continue to have winning seasons; y'know, Presidents Trophies, divisional wins, and Stanley Cups.

And really, if you want to discuss washed up - your team signed Hugh Jessiman. Your point is moot.

P.S. Isn't it amazing how we were able to land Mike Modano? We're all TOTALLY looking for about 100 points out of him this season. Think we can do it?

Honestly? Am I the only one who wasn't expecting Mike Modano to lead the league in scoring when Ken Holland signed him to be the THIRD-LINE CENTER?

Oh, Chicago fans. Though you have sex with your cousins, you still amuse me.

Red Wings Sign Highest Scoring Belarusian Player in NHL History!

OH MAN. So just days after securing the services of the highest scoring American in NHL history (one Michael Q. Modano), Ken Holland has done it again, signing the HIGHEST SCORING PLAYER FROM BELARUS...EVER. What privileged fans are we, with this magnificent management, who can watch our team acquire two of the greatest players to ever lace up skates?

That's right, the legendary Ruslan Salei is now a Detroit Red Wing.

That's okay, I'll give you a minute to mop up the bodily fluids that just spewed forth from your every orifice.

Ruslan Salei. Belarus' ALL-TIME LEADING NHL SCORER. Holy living shit.

He's a scoring FORCE, scoring 194 points in almost 900 career games. Oh my GOD, HOW LUCKY ARE WE? Suck on THAT, Sergei Kostitsyn! Eat BALLS, Andrei Kostitsyn! You're balding and you look like Friar Tuck.

That said, can you believe we can afford to have this magnificent player on the THIRD DEFENSIVE PAIRING? HOW LUCKY ARE WE?!

THE GUY'S A LEGEND! Plus, look what I found on the WIKIPEDIA. Salei apparently scored 100 goals at the 2000 World Ice Hockey Championships.



Thanks, Wikipedia. You've never lied to me.

Derek Boogaard = Peter Gibbons

Have you ever seen Office Space? I hope you have. It's one of my favorite movies. If you haven't, in a nutshell, it's a comedy about three guys working at a software company office in the late 90s who hate their jobs. At one point in the film, the main protagonist, Peter Gibbons, goes with his girlfriend to see an occupational hypnotherapist and Peter, normally sort of high-strung, is placed under a relaxing trance. But before the obese hypnotherapist can snap Peter out of this trance, he succumbs to a heart attack in the middle of the session, leaving Peter stuck in the trance.

Peter is now completely relaxed in his life and starts skipping work, uncaring of the consequences and preparing to start his lifelong dream of "doing nothing." Anyway, at one point in the film, while arriving at work to pick up some things before leaving, he is reminded by his friend Michael that he has an appointment with some consultants. Peter goes in to see the two men and is completely brutally honest about his slacking off at work, his displeasure with his multiple bosses, and admits he just doesn't care.

Now I know, this is a hockey blog and not a film blog, but here's my point. During the consultant scene, Peter admits: "I'd say in a given week, I probably only do fifteen minutes of real, actual work."

One could say the same of Derek Boogaard.

And that is the point of that story.

If you're one of those who purposefully avoid the tragically hilarious, then you might now know that that genius GM of the Rangers, Glen Sather, recently signed known totem pole Derek Boogaard to an ACTUAL SERIOUS CONTRACT worth $6.6 million over 4 years. This for a guy who has scored as many goals in the last four years as I have. Dude hasn't even played a full season in the NHL yet. I'm guessing Sather thinks money grows on trees. Or in his own ass.

That's right. Derek Boogaard is getting paid $1,625,000 this upcoming season.

A goon.

Over a million and a half dollars.

Y'know, if Peter were making that kind of scratch, he probably wouldn't have needed to see a hypnotherapist, nor would he hate his job. I mean, C'MAAN.

Assume Boogaard plays in 60 games. Assume he plays 7 minutes a night. That's a total of 420 minutes, or 7 total hours. Seriously, give this man's agent a medal and a bologna sandwich, because if I were paid 1.625 million for 7 hours of work, I WOULD NOT BE PUTTING MY ENTIRE FUTURE IN DEBT IN COLLEGE. $3,869 a minute. Think of all the 900 numbers you could call if you made that kind of scratch. $232,140 an hour! Try and get THAT at McDonald's!

And to complete the film reference from earlier...think of all the new red Swinglines you could get.

NHL Awards 2010 Recap

7:30 PM - Awards open with Snoop Dogg ..uh, rapping. His shirt's got an old NHL logo. Y'know. The orange one with the downward sloping letters. Also a bunch of numbers. Travis Barker's on the drums. Even my closed captioning doesn't know what the fuck Snoop's saying. Probably something about ass. They got some clips of hockey stuff going on though.

7:32 - Introducing everyone at the show. Nice to hear "Ron MacLean" and "Ed Olczyk" are NHL legends. Also Cirque du Soleil performing to The Beatles. That's hockey.

7:34 - Oh hey, it's Jay Mohr. Talking about Keno. That's also hockey. Also said "Cindy Crosby." Makes a Phoenix joke. Nice. Also claims he loves hockey now. Okay.

7:35 - "Laugh it up, Bruins fans, we laughed at you in the playoffs." Nice job. Also showed Bettman laughing. That makes me cry.

7:38 - Jay Mohr introduces Mark Wahlberg for the Calder Trophy. ("HEY CALDER TROPHY. HOW'S IT GOING? WE SHOULD DO A MOVIE TOGETHER. ....SAY HI TO YOUR MOTHER FOR ME.") Have to say, Jay Mohr did a good job with the jokes. The exchanges with the Sedins was quality.

7:41 - Tyler Myers wins the Calder. He deserves it. Still feel Jimmy was robbed and voters were hypnotized by Tyler's size more than anything.

7:43 - Tyler Myers is still talking. They're trying to play him off with the music. Also realizing Tyler Myers' neck is taller than I am.

7:44 - Luc Robitaille and Natasha Henstridge presenting the Selke award. A little awkward.

7:45 - DAT'S MY BOY! Datsyuk wins the Selke. No question. Now we get a Datsyuk speech! "I want to thank the management for paying me. I wish you'd never stop." Hahahaha.

7:47 - Showing Henrik Sedin with the Art Ross Trophy.

7:49 - George Strombolipopolopodopolous interviewing Patricks Sharp and Kane in some d-bag lounge. Kaner's lost his mullet, thank God. Still a douche. He's a manwhore. He's gonna get drunk with that showgirl later...and beat her up for change.

7:50 - Cirque du Soleil performing to The Beatles. I ...I just don't know.

7:53 - CDS just ended. Thank God, I have no idea what's going on. Feels like I have a hair in my mouth. Oh hey, it's Jay Mohr.

7:54 - Ron MacLean and Ted Lindsay about to hand out the Ted Lindsay Award.

7:56 - AO! Ovie wins the Ted Lindsay Award! Russian machine never break...and doesn't lose. Except in the playoffs. Dedicates the trophy to his dead brother. That's sweet.

7:57 - Black guy from "Daily Line" shows up, but Ovie wasn't done. Finishes speech, now black guy talks.

7:59 - Presentation about the Vancouver Winter Olympics, a comedy skit featuring Bobby Ryan and Ryan Getzlaf. About Getzlaf being a dick to Bobby because of his "silver." Dammit, why'd I giggle? I hate Ryan Getzlaf.

8:02 - Stamkos and Crosby presented with the Rocket Richard Trophy. Stamkos is very white. Rosby is very woman.

8:06 - John Slattery coming out to present the Jack Adams. I liked Joe Sacco better when he sang for the Mighty Mighty Bosstones.

8:07 - Absolutely no surprise, Dave Tippett wins the Jack Adams Award. Maybe Barry Trotz could win it some day if he got a neck. Tippett: "This is a time where people stand up and thank their owners, I would do that, but I don't know all 29 of them." Ouch!

8:09 - DB Sweeney and Jamie Kennedy presenting the Vezna...er. That's Vezina, Jamie. Awkward banter. Kennedy was playing blackjack, apparently. DB wins the "faceoff" to name the winner.

8:11 - OH FUCK YES! RYAN MILLER WINS THE VEZINA! The pride of East Lansing! Michigan pride, baby, all day. Drew Miller gets a shoutout in the acceptance speech.

8:14 - Marty Brodeur with the Jennings Trophy. As soon as that lady gets done interviewing him with it, he's going to eat it. And her. And not sexually.

8:19 - Jay Mohr with a Tracy Morgan impression. Random. Oh, now a Shinedown performance. Time to go take a leak.

8:31 - Apologies. I went to eat. Missed the Masterton Trophy award...went to Jose Theodore, who I understand gave an emotional speech. Now Jay Mohr in a bad Norm MacDonald impression introduces Jerry Bruckheimer, who is introducing the King Clancy trophy.

8:34 - It goes to Shane Doan for his leadership/community presence. Some Army dudes are presenting him with the actual hardware. Cool beans. Humble dude, not afraid to poke fun at Phoenix's situation either.

8:36 - Ugh. Hawks with the Cup. Like watching a frat guy fondle your ex.

8:38 - Some people from some ABC show introducing the Lady Byng Trophy. Closed caption said "Leddybing." Interesting.

8:40 - Marty St. Louis wins the Lady Byng. Not surprised; highest points to PIMs ratio in the league. Fifth straight nomination, first win. Owes it to Brad Richards, because "Christmas cards to the referees work real well." Marty St. Louis is a funny guy. HIGHLY underrated.

8:41 - Crosby wins the Messier Leadership Award. What is this, I don't- Crosby? A leader? "Lead the NHL since the lockout"? ARE YOU BLOODY KIDDING ME. At least Crosby admitted when he looks for leadership, he looks to Steve Yzerman. Then again, so has everyone else in the past 20 goddamn years. He's only the most complete player...no, complete MAN ever.

8:45 - Oh gross, it's Ed Olczyk. Wonder if he's gonna show us his Blackhawks thong. Ed Olczyk is a really close talker. JR: "If you had to sit next to Mike Milbury and listen to him talk for four hours, you'd cry too." HAHAAHAHA.

8:47 - Duncan Keith wins the Norris. Again, no surprise. That's like putting up a human being versus a raccoon and a trash can in a "What's Taller" contest.

8:49 - They're cutting off Dunks with the music. He says "FUCK YOU I'M STILL TALKING." Suck it, awards show protocol.

8:50 - Ryan Miller wins the NHL Foundation Award and accepts a big novelty check from Gary Bettman. Funny, the check is actually bigger than the commissioner...it probably makes better decisions, too.

8:51 - Jay Mohr's brilliant Christopher Walken impression into a Goo Goo Dolls performance. John Rzeznik looks very drunk, but I love the Goos, so all is well.

8:54 - Convinced John Rzeznik is drunk. He looks even more like a lesbian than he did 10 years ago.

8:57 - Guy LaFleur out to announce the winner of the Hart Trophy.

8:59 - Guy LaFleur announces da weener of d'Art Mem'reel Trophy is HENRIK SEDDIN. Er...Sedin. Good job. Henrik basically also tells his brother to "suck it."

9:01 - S'IT, GOOD NIGHT.

---

Let's see how I did.

HART TROPHY:
I predicted: Henrik Sedin
Who won: Henrik Sedin

VEZINA TROPHY:
I predicted: Ryan Miller
Who won: Ryan Miller

CALDER TROPHY:
I predicted: Jimmy Howard
Who won: Tyler Myers

LADY BYNG TROPHY:
I predicted: Martin St. Louis
Who won: Martin St. Louis

SELKE TROPHY:
I predicted: Pavel Datsyuk
Who won: Pavel Datsyuk

JACK ADAMS TROPHY:
I predicted: Dave Tippett
Who won: Dave Tippett

MASTERTRON TROPHY:
I predicted: I didn't.
Who won: Jose Theodore

TED LINDSAY AWARD:
I predicted: Sidney Crosby
Who won: Alex Ovechkin

MESSIER LEADERSHIP AWARD:
I predicted: Shane Doan
Who won: Sidney Crosby

All in all, either these awards were very predictable, or I made smart picks. Sidney Crosby can suck it regarding the Leadership award, because Shane Doan got a leadership award too, and his was presented by real live fucking soldiers. Tyler Myers was worthy of the Calder, but if it were me, I would've voted for Jimmah. But hey, the good news is now he doesn't have to live up that post-Calder hype like Steve Mason could not do.

Also? Jay Mohr. Funny. A lot better than anyone thought he would be. Good jokes, impressions not terrible. Still questioning Cirque du Soleil, but whatever. Good show. Better than last year.

"Hockey Sucks" hosts "Hockey Awards"!

Another fine decision by (what I'm assuming is) Gary Bettman. Even if it's not, let's blame him anyway.

Looks like Jay Mohr is hosting the NHL Awards this year. Strange? A little, at least he's a sports guy, so it's an improvement over last year (lol Chaka Khan). Even if he does hate hockey. Or he used to:

"I am freaking PUMPED to be hosting the NHL awards! NHL players are the world's best athletes." - jaymohr37

Okay, Jay. You're beginning to sound like Pittsburgh in '09 and Chicago in '10 with that quick opinion turnaround. Let's calm it down, soldier, and stop pretending this doesn't have everything to do with those big bags of money.

I kid, I kid. I'm a fan, Jay Mohr.

But I'm still obligated to post this:

Jonathan Toews: NHL 11 Coverboy?

Word on the Tweetz is that EA Sports' monstrously successful NHL series has a coverboy for NHL 11... and it's Jonathan Toews.

Nice face, by the way.

Yes, that means it's two years in a row a Chicago Blackhack has disgraced the cover of our beloved hockey game. Don't get me wrong, Toews isn't a bad choice for a video game cover. He's accomplished quite a lot in spite of his young age. He's a much better choice than Patrick Kane was last year.

But two years in a row of Chicago? Is EA testing the resolve of hockey fans who don't buy into the "flavor of the month" that pervades the NHL nowadays? How about we do a different team every year? I'm not entirely convinced Toews was chosen for this AFTER his Conn Smythe win and Chicago's first Stanley Cup in a half century. What's next year, Brent Seabrook? It's better than Crosby, I guess, but come on!

I'm of the opinion that Ryan Miller should've been on the cover. No goalie has graced the cover of an NHL game since John Vanbiesbrouck did in 1997, and even then, he played for the fucking Panthers. Ryan Miller is perennially a fantastic player, and this year, an Olympic hero.

Even Steven Stamkos would've been a good choice. He tied for the league lead in goals last season with 53. A great young player who is only going to get better.

I don't necessarily think a Detroit player should have been on the cover, but if we're going for sheer talent and a list of trophies, Henrik Zetterberg fits the bill. Or even Pavel Datsyuk.

But nope. We're stuck with Chicago.

Again.



BRB. Vomiting with rage.

Nicolas Cage visits the 2010 World Cup

A lack of puck sure is boring, so in order to keep our minds off it, here's an arbitrary video we have of film star Nicolas Cage visiting the World Cup down in South Africa! Watch out for them vuvuzelas, Nic.