Chicago's Bullshit Banner Thing Ruined by FUCKIN' CHRIS OSGOOD

Tonight, the Blackhawks treated their fans to the raising of their first Stanley Cup banner in 50 years (or for their fans....uh, actually, this is probably the first game they've ever seen), and here's the breakdown of it.

The game was scheduled to take place at 8:30 PM on October 9, 2010. However, that's when the banner raising ceremony started. When the actual hockey game took place, it was actually 450 years into the future, where people teleport everywhere and the cow has been replaced by a miraculous animal that provides a nice filet that contains loads of flavor, yet no fat. Also, it tastes like bacon.

Of course, I'm roughly estimating the amount of time that passed. It's probable that the ceremony was so damn long that time eventually circled back and we've gone back to a time where Chris Osgood is ridiculously solid in net. Or maybe we went forward in time to a point where there is no Chris Osgood, but rather a lifelike cyborg Chris Osgotron 3000, programmed to be the most solid goaltender you've ever seen, all while giving up an obligatory soft goal (to match its namesake.)

I'm still not sure if I watched an actual hockey game or some sort of hologram that was shot into my memory with a laser beam because I pushed a button.

Flip scored first off a beautiful pass from Franzen. Then Brent Seabrook (complete with Crosbyesque pubic facial hair) scores on the powerplay with like, a half second to go. Osgotron couldn't stop it because the Cleary hologram wasn't paying attention.

The refs were very lifelike because of the abundance of missed calls on the Chicago team, and also the needless video review on Bertuzzibot's goal. Or maybe he was a hologram too. I wonder why they wouldn't rebuild his teeth....anyway, then some Hawk scored and nobody cared. Then Filppula had another goal where he went to pass and it went through Marty Turco's pads. That was fucking terrible. I don't think that was a hologram, I think that was 485 year old Marty Turco failing to make the easiest stop.

Oh yeah, and we totally got outshot. 28 to 26.

So yeah. That's what happened. ....I still don't know what year it is. All I know is we ruined their stupid banner party and the Hawks fans got all quiet and sad. Now they can go back to not giving a shit about hockey, like they didn't two years ago.

BANDWAGON.

Apparently, Empty Gestures Are Now More Dangerous Than Kneeing a Guy

So yesterday, pre-season hockey started. Hooray! But the Wings lost. Boo. 5-1. To the Crosbys. As if that weren't bad enough, noted douchebag Brooks "Future Child Rapist/Current General Douchebag" Orpik attempted to put Johan Franzen out for a long, long time with a dangerous knee-on-knee hit in the first period while his team led 3-0. Gutless? Yes, but we shouldn't expect anything else from a team with Sidney Crosby as its captain. When Todd Bertuzzi came to Franzen's defense, he got kicked out of the game as well (misconduct loolol). Of course, Orpik got a game misconduct as well, AND a five minute major...

...but does he get anything else in terms of supplemental discipline? After all, it was a dangerous, stupid, calculated hit that could've resulted in serious injury - especially on a player with a history with those sorts of problems (and a freshly repaired ACL).

Prediction: No. Because he's a Penguin. Never mind the fact that Franzen's out at least three more preseason games because of it. As per usual, the NHL is looking at the result rather than the action.

This is incredibly stupid. It's like saying, "Well, you shot this guy's mom in the face, but the bullet only went through her cheek instead of her brain, so we're not going to take action against you." A stupid reckless play is a stupid reckless play. And Brooks Orpik is a giant piece of crap. Not that cool white 70s dog poop - but a fresh steaming wet pile left by a fat guy in your living room after he spent the night eating cabbage and drinking rotten milk and Japanese rice wine.

During the Halfhawks/Yzermans match that night as well, Chicago "defense" "man" Nick Boynton attempted to catch TB forward Chris Durno with a knee-on-knee hit. Fortunately, Durno got right back up, but Blair Jones still kicked the shit out of Boynton for being a fuckbag. Take a looksee!

The hit occurs real early in the video (check the slo-mo version at around 0:48 as well), then we see Jones just pummel the living bejebus out of Boynton. Then, in typical Chicago fan fashion, starts talking even more shit and gives a throat-slash gesture (I prefer Chris Benoit's version myself) to Jones in the box, and backs it up by saying "you're fucking dead."

Haha, oh, typical Chicago. You get your ass beat and still talk shit. You jokers.

But here's where the story gets weird. Boynton got a one-game suspension. For that gesture. Not for the KNEE...but for making a motion to a guy who just kicked his ass.

Thank God. Thank God we don't have to deal with that beast. Going around making gestures, putting all of our children in danger with empty threats...the NHL really hit the nail on the head with this one. I can just imagine Gary Bettman sitting in his office, trying to put his little legs up on his desk...leaning back, and smoking a bubble pipe. He says "BOYS...we took a stand here today. We said that we, as a league, will tolerate dangerous injury-intending hits like Matt Cooke's, Doug Murray's, and Brooks Orpik's...but we will NOT stand idly by while maniacs like Nick Boynton flail their hands around at opponents from 15 away. THIS WILL NOT STAND."

And the chirping? Who chirps at opponents? What is this, hockey?!

Hear that, NHL? You guys can kill each other and cheap shot each other all you want, but by God, if you tell the guy beforehand, you are gonna get it from the Wheel of Discipline...maybe.

Ass.

Fillerfest Continues - My Short YouTube "Conversation" with a Stupid Hawks "Fan"

No hockey and no pucks make Beards of War something something....

You might recall one of the two CHIdenfreude videos posted on this blog earlier this summer. Suffice it to say, they got some real funny/butthurt reactions from the Chicago community who were convinced and overly confident that despite the utter gutting of their team, they would not only finish ahead of Detroit in the standings, but would also repeat as Cup champs.

No seriously, you can't make this up.

Anyway, last month, one of them felt compelled to let me know how he felt via channel comment.

mylogix said:

you are a fucking idiot, i think you are just pissed off that hockey's best architect (scotty bowman) is now on the side of the chicago blackhawks. and all that is left in your peice of shit city is some abandoned car factories and trailer parks. suck it

Now, one's first reaction might be:



...which he obviously is. But really, he's right. All of our problems with Chicago fans lie with jealousy. Obviously, we are just "haters", regarding Scotty Bowman and ONLY Scotty Bowman. I had to reply to this guy with a healthy dose of smarm:

ModernExplorer (me) wrote:

Thank you for the compliment!

First of all, thanks for keeping it classy with your comments about Detroit. You're a credit to your fanbase. Though I'd like to inform you that I don't actually live in Detroit Proper, although I've been there a number of times. I'm not sure to which area of the city you refer to, since the downtown area where Joe Louis Arena is located is actually a pretty nice place to be. Y'know, nice buildings. Shopping. Eateries. Also, you seemed to be misinformed; there actually are no trailer parks located in the City of Detroit. That's more of a Downriver thing.

Second of all, I'd like to remind you that Scotty Bowman is not an "architect", he was never the General Manager of Chicago OR Detroit; he only coached the players that were there, and the only team he WAS the GM of was the Buffalo Sabres. And I'd like to remind you that he never coached in Chicago and his position within that organization is strictly for show and has no actual power. In reality, his son is the only one with power and is pretty fucked over at the moment because of the last guy.

But I do thank you for your input on my videos and the city in which my team plays. Your words have been noted and thrown out.

mylogix replied:

ahh, if you really believe what you said about scotty then sir, i am finished with you. with his experience, if you think he isn't playing a big role in chicago helping his son, then you are a fucking idiot. oh and im sorry for not keeping it classy, you set the bar so high in your shitty little video. and if you think the hawks are fucked, you should look at your own washed up team who mostly have passed their prime. oops i forgot you signed madano, good luck with that.

ModernExplorer wrote:

Dear Raving Lunatic:

So you agree with me! Scotty Bowman is a figurehead in Chicago. His position has no actual power, he's there for "motivation" for his son? Except you're also forgetting he was taken aboard prior to his son's hiring as GM. Don't forget that.

Secondly, why the name calling? Are you upset about something? I can't imagine why in the world you w- oh. Never mind. That was my bad.

Thirdly, you're forgiven. You're right, I am a classy fellow. I apologize (not) if you took offense to my "shitty little" video (which is a large video, in terms of size), but the fact of the matter remains everything in it is true! Your inability to handle the truth is cute. Unfortunately, it would seem that you've never been to Detroit or anywhere near in order to make your observations. Maybe you should come take a visit. Wear your Hawks jersey. I promise you won't lose an arm.

Finally, yes yes, I've heard that all before - the Red Wings are "old" and "washed up"....geez, it seems they've been that way for the nearly two decades, and yet, in spite of this, they've managed to continue to have winning seasons; y'know, Presidents Trophies, divisional wins, and Stanley Cups.

And really, if you want to discuss washed up - your team signed Hugh Jessiman. Your point is moot.

P.S. Isn't it amazing how we were able to land Mike Modano? We're all TOTALLY looking for about 100 points out of him this season. Think we can do it?

Honestly? Am I the only one who wasn't expecting Mike Modano to lead the league in scoring when Ken Holland signed him to be the THIRD-LINE CENTER?

Oh, Chicago fans. Though you have sex with your cousins, you still amuse me.

Huet to Europe is Total Fucking Bullshit, and so are the NHL's Recent Cap Related Shenanigans

HEY. You know what's a circumvention of a salary cap? Paying an elite-caliber player an exorbitant amount of money that eventually trickles down to peanuts by the time he hits age 44 (with a $6 million cap hit all the while).

You know what's NOT a circumvention of the salary cap? Paying a mediocre-caliber aging goalie an exorbitant amount of money, deciding he isn't worth it (though he's still capable of actually playing), knowing you can't afford "better players" if he stays on your payroll, so you dump him on some stupid Swiss team.

No, that's not a fucking circumvention at all.

"Oh shit, if we have this guy on our payroll, we'll actually have to PAY him the fucking money we INTENDED to when we signed him to this horseshit contract!"

"But MY GOD, if we buy him out, we're going to have to face a $1.875 million cap hit for two more years!"

"HOW THE FUCK CAN WE GET OUT OF THIS ONE!? I KNOW, LET'S FUCKING DUMP HIM IN SWITZERLAND! MWAHAHAHA."

Seriously?

It's getting around obligations that you made for the simple reason of "we don't want to pay you that much money, even though that's what we signed you to because we're stupid." Whoops. You got yourself in a jam of your own volition now you're trying to save your ass by dumping a perfectly able body on someone else.

As for Kovalchuk, I agree his contract was circumvention, but should've stood for two reasons: one is that the NHL allowed similar contracts through (though not as egregious), therefore setting a precedent that circumvention was more or less OK, depending on what team you are (coughChicago)

Number two was the arbiter's declaration (and assumption) that it was rare/impossible for him to play that long.

It's not impossible. He's in pretty good shape and not really injury prone. Playing that long is rare, yes, but your judgment can't be based on an assumption. There's no proof he can't play until he's 44 or even 50.

Seriously, what makes one think that Ilya Kovalchuk can't play til he's 44, but that Marian Hossa can play until age 43? Nearly $8 million a season for 7 more seasons, then a $4 million season, then four $1 million seasons? So if Kovalchuk's contract ended at age 43, it'd be OK? Where's the line?

Typical NHL. Picking and choosing, just like with discipline. If Kovalchuk was attempting to re-sign with a team like Pittsburgh or Chicago (hey, there's a team I haven't mentioned in this post at all yet), you could guarantee he could be offered a 50-year contract with ten straight $10 million seasons (but with a $1 million cap hit) and the NHL would be full of patronizing prasie of "EXCELLENT CAP MANAGEMENT GUYZ LOLOL".

Some teams are more equal than others.

Turco is Heartbreak: A CHIdenfreude Addendum

Those of you that know me know that my goalie mancrush is Marty Turco. It's hard to explain, really. For years, he was my favorite goaltender not in the Detroit system. I guess it was the way he played the puck, or maybe it's the fact that he attended the University of Michigan (GO BLUE). He's just an all-around smart goaltender. Or maybe it's because he's SO DREAMY....okay, maybe not.

I was pretty damn giddy when my college roommate informed me his dad knew several Dallas Stars personally, INCLUDING one Marty Turco. For Christmas, I received a personal autographed photo from the man himself, as you can see right there. To this day, I have it on my entertainment center, overlooking me as I type this out.

And since he was in Dallas, it meant I could cheer for him. I mean, they had Mike Modano too, and he's a Michigan guy...plus, his wife his hot. They weren't in the division, they weren't necessarily a heated rival, and they weren't Chicago. But that all changed this morning...

...Marty Turco broke my heart by signing with...the Blackhawks.

And that picture, I can't look at without becoming depressed. As a Marty Turco fan AND a Red Wings fan, this is very conflicting. On one hand, I really want Marty to succeed. On the other hand, he's in fucking CHICAGO. On one hand, he's 35 years old and doesn't have a lot of time left to win a Stanley Cup, which I would love desperately for him to do. ...on the other hand, he's in fucking CHICAGO, where the only run they're poised to make is the one where they narrowly avoid being a lottery team.

And yes, I know all about his terrible record against Detroit. And I do love that Chicago will undoubtedly suck against the Red Wings this year (and the rest of the league in general), but I don't love the fact that it comes at the expense of one of my favorite players in the game stuck behind enemy lines.

It sucks.

WHY couldn't he have taken the Philadelphia offer? They're not even in our conference. At least I don't outright despise the Flyers. AND they didn't lose a good number of their important players. But no. He had to go to Chicago.

Marty. You offered me 'best wishes.' These are my worst wishes; one of my most favorite players on one of my least favorite teams. I can't offer my best wishes for you to win, and I can't hope you lose every game you're in. I can't do anything. I'm conflicted.

In any event, I'll just let this digital short do the talking for me. It's much more amusing than my morose Droopyesque lamenting, plus it's dripping with CHIdenfreude. Enjoy!

Beards of War reacts to Chicago's Adventures in a Salary Cap World

The Blackhawks recently decided to match San Jose's offer sheet to RFA Niklas Hjalmarsson. Chicago, the team whose cap situation, if were realized visually would look not unlike flaming Vietnamese orphans, decided to resign a 6th defenseman for 3 and a half million dollars over 4 years.

This leaves the team with roughly $100,000 in cap space with which to sign 7-8 more players to have a minimum roster.

The league minimum's about $500,000. And of those 7-8, one is Antti Niemi.

$100,000.

And now, our reaction:

AAAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAAA HAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAA

AHAHAHAHAHAHA. HA. HA. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AHAAHA

AHAHAHAHAH. AH. AH. okay.

done.

....

....


....AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

......AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHA

...AAAAAAAHAHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.......

Not enough H's and A's. So I'll let Tom Hanks finish it.



Way to go, Stan Bowman. Way to go.