Playoff season is in full swing (as if your elevated blood pressure, missing clumps of hair, and crying relatives didn't already give this away already), and so is the NHL's "History Will Be Made" promotion. Compared to last year's theme of "what if...", this year's "History" theme has to do with various things History does - like....erases history. That makes sense.
Anyway, since the NHL has not seen fit to create a spot featuring the Red Wings (at least not in a winning or even positive light anyway), we here at Beards of War took to...my laptop and whipped up a quick spot for funsies and why nots. So if you will, enjoy our "not too terrible" tribute to consistency.
Showing posts with label red wings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label red wings. Show all posts
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Can we pretend that didn't happen?
We can. But they better not.
There's really nothing one can say about a 10-3 shitfest other than "ewwww. I hope I don't feel this in the morning." It's really a lot like your prom date.
Not mine. I didn't go to prom.
This was one of the worst games I've ever seen played, so I'm not going to say much about it. The whole team looked like shit and I'm pretty sure Thomas McCollum's gonna have nightmares. Bad nightmares. Like being scored on by Roman Polak. Eeeeew.
That's all I'll say because I don't feel like taking my noteworthy and classy blog and devolving it into curse words and the phrase "shitty poop" over and over again.
Oh, and at some point, I'll be sure to type up my H2H2 post (two weeks late!), and maybe something else. I'm not quite to the point of giving up BoW in spite of a ridiculous amount of personal issues taking place. So...yeah. Enjoy your scotch tonight, you poor poor Red Wings fans.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Wings, Kings 'n Things - March 9 Preview
Oh. Hello there. Before I get started with this preview, I should let you know that I do not plan on using any of Charlie Sheen's memes during the course of this entry or in any entries that should come after, the lone exception, of course, being "winning" - as we all know, this was a Detroit tradition before a Charlie Sheen tradition.
I know it's a huge thing now, oh my god, everyone's joining in the Charlie Sheen bandwagon - even the Twitter accounts of professional sports teams and corporations that take in billions of dollars and are usually well respected worldwide. I have a feeling that in 10 years, we'll look back at where we were when we spouted these phrases at each other in real life with cringe, a shudder, and a "God, why". Charlie Sheen memes are essentially the mullet/Zubaz pants combo of the early 2010s.
Our "winning" has to do with a smartly run organization with a tradition of success - his is "I love my out-of-control-coke-fueled-downward-spiral-skank-bangin'-life AND YOU DON'T GET IT BEAHWHAHWINNING." Differences.
Now you may be asking why I'm writing up a preview of a game. After all, I've never done that before. I usually do humorous entries after games, or even during games. The answer is simple - I'm going to the game. And so are a lot of you. Maybe you'll see me, so you can say "my, you are far less impressive in person." I look forward to it!
Here we go, the records: Detroit (39-19-8) vs. Los Angeles (36-25-5). Number two in the West vs. number eight.
Number two is an appropriate name for the Wings after crapping out last game vs. Phoenix - after going up 4-1 at the end of the second (the fourth goal coming from a beautiful dangle from the one and only...Darren Helm), the Wings choked up three goals to the Great Ownerless Wonder and eventually lost in the skills competition. That's harder to swallow than a scorpion made of farts. Of course, the Blo-yotes first goal shouldn't have counted, since Brett MacLean was essentially tapdancing on Jimmy Howard's skull. But since, as Larry Murphy said, "odfhdskiguhfdguidfgh I'm drunk, hot dogs" and something about "owning ice", the refs let it stand - which is total shit, because Murph is drunk and doesn't know anything. He's like the Queen Elizabeth of the Fox Sports broadcast team - at one point, he was important, but now he's just there and sometimes spouts confusing and sometimes offensive things...and is a drunk with a hot dog problem.
Broadcasting excellence.
The positive in all of that is that the Wings picked up a point, but that's like saying "well, at least I have ONE leg. It's better than none!" Yeah, but I want two legs. Or at least a kick-ass motorized wheelchair. No one's buying you a kick-ass motorized wheelchair when you choke away three goal leads, kids - it's a lesson for life.
The Kings are also coming off an overtime loss, theirs coming against Dallas and at the hands of Brenden Morrow. But really, who cares about that? Steve Ott sucks.
Though the Wings' road tour was the west coast was not totally successful (the only win coming against LA in a 7-4 game that should've been 7-1), I think we're all aware of the Wings' woes when it comes to games at home recently. What was the record for home games in February - 2-4-0 (and 7-9-2 since the start of December)? Tonight is the first home game in the month of March for Detroit, and we're all hoping they kick the month off the right way...you know, maybe like, two hat tricks. Maybe someone scores eight goals and tells Joe Malone to get out of the record books. Hey, maybe an Ovechtrick! I mean...that can happen, right?
All kidding aside, Detroit is losing ground to Vancouver for tops in the West - a nine point gap separates them (95 to 86). Detroit has two games in hand on the Canucks, though. Plus, hey, the more points they can get above Chicago, the better (by the way, they lost to Florida tonight. 8-game win streak. Gone. To Florida. In regulation, too. How hilarious is THAT?!). L.A. currently sits 8th in the West with 77 points (it's a real tenuous hold, too - that whole area of the standings is one big clusterfuck. Plus, Minnesota is like, RIGHT THERE).
Kill the losing streak. Don't allow early goals. Don't allow wimpy goals. Play all 60 minutes. Dangle some motherfuckers. Make me happy. 2 points. Let's get it. See ya at the game!
I know it's a huge thing now, oh my god, everyone's joining in the Charlie Sheen bandwagon - even the Twitter accounts of professional sports teams and corporations that take in billions of dollars and are usually well respected worldwide. I have a feeling that in 10 years, we'll look back at where we were when we spouted these phrases at each other in real life with cringe, a shudder, and a "God, why". Charlie Sheen memes are essentially the mullet/Zubaz pants combo of the early 2010s.
Our "winning" has to do with a smartly run organization with a tradition of success - his is "I love my out-of-control-coke-fueled-downward-spiral-skank-bangin'-life AND YOU DON'T GET IT BEAHWHAHWINNING." Differences.
Now you may be asking why I'm writing up a preview of a game. After all, I've never done that before. I usually do humorous entries after games, or even during games. The answer is simple - I'm going to the game. And so are a lot of you. Maybe you'll see me, so you can say "my, you are far less impressive in person." I look forward to it!
Here we go, the records: Detroit (39-19-8) vs. Los Angeles (36-25-5). Number two in the West vs. number eight.
Number two is an appropriate name for the Wings after crapping out last game vs. Phoenix - after going up 4-1 at the end of the second (the fourth goal coming from a beautiful dangle from the one and only...Darren Helm), the Wings choked up three goals to the Great Ownerless Wonder and eventually lost in the skills competition. That's harder to swallow than a scorpion made of farts. Of course, the Blo-yotes first goal shouldn't have counted, since Brett MacLean was essentially tapdancing on Jimmy Howard's skull. But since, as Larry Murphy said, "odfhdskiguhfdguidfgh I'm drunk, hot dogs" and something about "owning ice", the refs let it stand - which is total shit, because Murph is drunk and doesn't know anything. He's like the Queen Elizabeth of the Fox Sports broadcast team - at one point, he was important, but now he's just there and sometimes spouts confusing and sometimes offensive things...and is a drunk with a hot dog problem.
Broadcasting excellence.
The positive in all of that is that the Wings picked up a point, but that's like saying "well, at least I have ONE leg. It's better than none!" Yeah, but I want two legs. Or at least a kick-ass motorized wheelchair. No one's buying you a kick-ass motorized wheelchair when you choke away three goal leads, kids - it's a lesson for life.
The Kings are also coming off an overtime loss, theirs coming against Dallas and at the hands of Brenden Morrow. But really, who cares about that? Steve Ott sucks.
Though the Wings' road tour was the west coast was not totally successful (the only win coming against LA in a 7-4 game that should've been 7-1), I think we're all aware of the Wings' woes when it comes to games at home recently. What was the record for home games in February - 2-4-0 (and 7-9-2 since the start of December)? Tonight is the first home game in the month of March for Detroit, and we're all hoping they kick the month off the right way...you know, maybe like, two hat tricks. Maybe someone scores eight goals and tells Joe Malone to get out of the record books. Hey, maybe an Ovechtrick! I mean...that can happen, right?
All kidding aside, Detroit is losing ground to Vancouver for tops in the West - a nine point gap separates them (95 to 86). Detroit has two games in hand on the Canucks, though. Plus, hey, the more points they can get above Chicago, the better (by the way, they lost to Florida tonight. 8-game win streak. Gone. To Florida. In regulation, too. How hilarious is THAT?!). L.A. currently sits 8th in the West with 77 points (it's a real tenuous hold, too - that whole area of the standings is one big clusterfuck. Plus, Minnesota is like, RIGHT THERE).
Kill the losing streak. Don't allow early goals. Don't allow wimpy goals. Play all 60 minutes. Dangle some motherfuckers. Make me happy. 2 points. Let's get it. See ya at the game!
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Stop me if you've heard this one...
I'm more or less just writing this in an attempt to shake off the rust and get funny again. If not funny, then not a colossal waste of time.
Today is February 22, 2011. We're about 60 games into the season, so why the hell am I having PTSD about last year's playoffs? Seriously, check it..
- Wings playin' the Sharks
- 4-3 Wings loss
- Devin Setoguchi
- Buncha fucked up refereeing
Todd McLellan getting jumped on by Mario as he goes to save the Princess
But hey, the Wings won 5 straight before this one. And hey, Jim Jam made almost 40 saves. That's...well, that's subpar defense, but super cool goaltending. Joey MacDonald sucks.
The scoring gets started with 8 seconds left in the first when Joe Thornton whacks the puck in and everyone on Twitter was like "oh fuck" "this....jfc" "STANDARD" and I was like "lol" cuz I was in class and couldn't watch half the game. It's not stopping me from writing about it like I saw it though. If Fox News can do it, so can I. JOURNALISTIC INTEGRITY.
But then in the second, Dan Cleary was all like "What are y'at, boys? How's she goin', buddy?" and scores a goal, because he's from Newfoundland. Rocks of Merasheen.
But then later, the OTHER Newfoundland b'y, Ryane Clowe, scores a goal. But that sucked, and we don't want his maggoty fish. They're no good for supper. So then good ol' Danny Cleary comes in 'n scores anudder. God bless yar cotton socks, Danny, me ol' cock. 'e's the b'y that shoots the puck and 'e's the b'y that scores.
Then everything goes some crooked and Floppy McGee Divin' Slip-o-...guchi scores two more and everyone's like "fuck", and then Zetterberg scores one on the powerplay, and that's it. Wings lose 4-3.
Sorry about all the Newfin'. I'm Newf at this. ....me b'y.
Oh, one last note: I'm back on the Twitter after a brief hiatus. You can find me at @emersojo. Follow me. Let's be friends...again.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
We take a break from your regularly scheduled nothing...
I realize that I've been neglectful of Beards of War lately (late semester shenanigans and finals studying really takes away from my slackin' off time), and for that, for those who read this and like it, I apologize. For everyone else, why are you here?
But I would just like to take this moment to say Nicklas Lidstrom is amazing. Career hat trick number....one. In game number 1,442. I mean who DOES that? Oh yeah. Lidstrom does.
Congrats, Nick. And thanks for the curly fries.
TEE PEE AITCH! TEE PEE AITCH! TEE PEE AITCH! TEE PEE AITCH!
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Let My People Go - and by people, I mean Curly Fries
I'm certain I don't need to go into any detail explaining the massive popularity of #OperationCurlyFries, since most of you visit this blog from Twitter. Just in case though, I'll give you the briefest rundown I can:
Arby's changed our hat trick reward from curly fries to a Jr. Roast Beef Sandwich. We want our fries back.
Now, I personally feel that a Jr. Roast Beef isn't a horrible thing to get for something that only happens in about 5% of hockey games. But as it has been said time and time again, it just doesn't seem right. After all, it's been curly fries for ages. When a player has two goals, they're thinking curly fries. They're not thinking "roast beef". That sounds perverted, too.
Surely it's not a cost-cutting measure. Each of those items is what, a buck and a half? And like I said, it's something that happens in maybe 5% of hockey games. Of course, our percentage could be higher if the Wings were given powerplay opportunities for all the ridiculous stick fouls on Datsyuk (or really anyone) every time he enters the offensive zone that never get called for whatever reason.
Bottom line: We need curly fries. It's like replacing Dick York with Dick Sargent on "Bewitched". Sure, he gets the job done, but it's not the same. He doesn't even look the same. Dick Sargent looks like a jerk. He's smug. How are they gonna change Darrens on us like that? I *LIKED* Dick York. Plus, Dick Sargent? His name sounds like a 5th grade playground insult. "HEY DICK SARGENT. YOU GONNA GO SARGENT ...A DICK?" Yeah, I know. It's "sergeant", but whatever.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Chicago's Bullshit Banner Thing Ruined by FUCKIN' CHRIS OSGOOD
Tonight, the Blackhawks treated their fans to the raising of their first Stanley Cup banner in 50 years (or for their fans....uh, actually, this is probably the first game they've ever seen), and here's the breakdown of it.
The game was scheduled to take place at 8:30 PM on October 9, 2010. However, that's when the banner raising ceremony started. When the actual hockey game took place, it was actually 450 years into the future, where people teleport everywhere and the cow has been replaced by a miraculous animal that provides a nice filet that contains loads of flavor, yet no fat. Also, it tastes like bacon.
Of course, I'm roughly estimating the amount of time that passed. It's probable that the ceremony was so damn long that time eventually circled back and we've gone back to a time where Chris Osgood is ridiculously solid in net. Or maybe we went forward in time to a point where there is no Chris Osgood, but rather a lifelike cyborg Chris Osgotron 3000, programmed to be the most solid goaltender you've ever seen, all while giving up an obligatory soft goal (to match its namesake.)
I'm still not sure if I watched an actual hockey game or some sort of hologram that was shot into my memory with a laser beam because I pushed a button.
Flip scored first off a beautiful pass from Franzen. Then Brent Seabrook (complete with Crosbyesque pubic facial hair) scores on the powerplay with like, a half second to go. Osgotron couldn't stop it because the Cleary hologram wasn't paying attention.
The refs were very lifelike because of the abundance of missed calls on the Chicago team, and also the needless video review on Bertuzzibot's goal. Or maybe he was a hologram too. I wonder why they wouldn't rebuild his teeth....anyway, then some Hawk scored and nobody cared. Then Filppula had another goal where he went to pass and it went through Marty Turco's pads. That was fucking terrible. I don't think that was a hologram, I think that was 485 year old Marty Turco failing to make the easiest stop.
Oh yeah, and we totally got outshot. 28 to 26.
So yeah. That's what happened. ....I still don't know what year it is. All I know is we ruined their stupid banner party and the Hawks fans got all quiet and sad. Now they can go back to not giving a shit about hockey, like they didn't two years ago.
BANDWAGON.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Anaheim Dicks at YOUR MIGHTY DETROIT RED WINGS - 10/8/10
Oh hey. I didn't see you there. Quit hiding behind the door and come in, the game's about to start. I got some potato chips...and...some handcu- uh...sandwiches.
So after the longest summer in what seems like decades (check the facts: this year's offseason was a staggering 648 days long), real legitimate hockey is BACK in the state of Michigan. The Red Wings are all set to open the season tonight at home against Corey Perry - Licensed Douchebag and Ryan Getzlaf's bald spot. After an offseason in which Anaheim lost their best defenseman, will they be able to overcome Detroit's newfound UBER depth?
I mean, shit, Detroit's been a deep team for 25 years, but this is arguably the deepest they've been in the salary cap era. We got Mike Modano, dammit.
Beards of War feels it necessary to kick off the season in style, with a live/unlive blog - sort of like what we did with the NHL Awards. We'll record our thoughts here and post the entire shebang when the game's over. Of course, we'll probably tweet a shit ton during the game too (for the inevitable terrible reffing decisions, and also how creeped out we are about the headless Ovechkin commercial), just so you know we're alive.
Also, we promise to stop referring to ourselves collectively; it's only one guy. And he's a dick.
Now without further adieu....Ducks at Wings: THE LIVE/UNLIVE BLOG!
Pregame Comments:
- Kronwall's glasses in that pregame segment were Waldotastic.
- Mike Modano looks REALLY good in red.
- I really missed Jiri Hudler too. HATERS GONNA HATE, I still love ya, Happy.
- Pregame ceremonies! Hey, check out Eaves' and Miller's hair.
- Mike Modano getting the loudest ovation in the pregame introduction (a little louder than Lidstrom, I'd say.)
- It's time for RED WINGS HOCKEY AAAHHHHH
1st Period:
- 0:00 - Ducks win opening faceoff, but miss it. It flies all the way back behind their net. Because they're stupid.
- 0:34 - I was not aware Jason Blake still played hockey. I could've sworn he melted.
- 1:52 - Modano cheered as he touches the puck. Everyone loves this guy...and his wife.
- 2:20 - Why does Larry Murphy not look drunk? He's not ready for opening night.
- 3:50 - Holmstrom interfered with, knocked down; no call. Good to see the refs are ready for opening night.
- 4:27 - Ryan Getzlaf is still a dickbag. A BALDING dickbag.
- 5:11 - BEAUTIFUL passing and Franzen SCOOOOREEESSS~ Jesus. Terrible angle shot off a beautiful pass and he STILL buries it.
- 5:35 - MIKE MODANO SCORES!!!! Sacrifice pass from Cleary, Modano doesn't miss. First game as a Wing, he scores, place goes NUTS!
- 7:40 - Getzlaf goes to hit Flip, Flip hits back, knocks Getz on his ass. Love it.
- 9:08 - Ducks being called for a penalty, finally. Probably not that near-board Andy Sutton gave to Brad Stuart, though. Probably something cheaper.
- 9:08 - Nope, high-sticking against Bobby Ryan. Meh.
- 9:08 - Also, just heard about the Ondrej Pavelec situation in Atlanta...whoa. That's very very scary. Hope he's okay.
- 10:00 - Yikes. Really great chance by Datsyuk after a beautiful pass, but Hiller blocks it.
- 11:08 - Anaheim kills off the penalty. Good chances, though.
- 11:24 - Pavs gives the puck up (eek), but Jimmah saves the day with a glove save.
- 13:56 - I didn't know Cam Fowler grew up in Michigan. Neat. Also, Corey Perry still sucks.
- 15:15 - Ducks bringing the pressure now. Jimmah standing tall. Wings' defensive play still looking good - lots of takeaways.
- 18:47 - Getzlaf and Perry attempting to dogpile Jim Howard after the whistle. Fuck those two. Douchebags. Getz giving trashtalk to the Wings' bench; don'cha know the new C on Getz's jersey stands for "cunt"? Cuz it does.
- 20:00 - Still 2-0 Wings. Getzlaf's hairline is still receding. Corey Perry is still a fuckstick.
2nd Period:
- 0:00 - Ducks win faceoff, but catch it this time. Douchers.
- 1:07 - Matt Beleskey with a shot right at Jim's wheel, catches it easy. He's solid so far...doesn't look shaky at all. Good sign.
- 2:00 - Three on one with Pavs, Lids, and Homer....Lids' pass to Pavel bounced way high. Damn. That was a quality chance.
- 2:30 - Ducks with all sorts of interference and holding on Modano, no call. Figures.
- 5:35 - PAVEL SCOOOOORES! Wow. 5-hole. Right through Hiller's balls. El-kabong.
- 6:54 - Brendan Mikkelson with a brilliant move....but Howard stops it. Awesome!
- 10:30 - Ryan Getzlaf still sucks. Hey Kronwall, how about Kronwalling that guy?
- 12:00 - LOL. Ducks #23 getting away with ridiculous amounts of interference. Schmuck. Refs.
- 13:04 - PAVEL DANGLING! DAAANGLING! HE'S HOOKED....no call. Refs. OH, here comes the bitch Ducks. Salei vs. Sutton, Brookbank vs. Datsyuk, and Corey Perry cheapshotting the bench (and Hudler....what the fuck?). Fuck that guy.
- 13:04 - Perry gets 10 for misconduct. Sutton 2 for roughing. Salei 2 for roughing. Holmstrom 10 for misconduct. Bullshit. Homer shouldn't have got anything. Getzlaf should've been in the box for unsportsmanlike.
- 16:05 - Cleary (and puck) slam past Hiller into the net. They wave it off (of course). I wouldn't count it though, goalie couldn't make the save, really. Shouldn't be a minor penalty though. Net is *slightly* off before puck goes in. They're going to review.
- 16:05 - HOLY LORD IT COUNTED. WHAT?! Wow. I'm stunned. Awesome. Wow. Makes up for all the terrible blown calls so far this game. CLEARY GOAL! 4-0 Wings.
- 19:00 - Jimmy is standing fucking tall tonight, ladies and gents. He is ON. Wings in midseason form tonight, I love it. They're not fucking around.
- 20:00 - 4-0 Wings after two periods. Also seeing reports of Atlanta goalie Ondrej Pavelec being conscious and his vital signs are normal. Good to hear, that was scary for sure.
3rd Period:
- 0:00 - Missed the first faceoff because I was making a really bad Toni Lydman/Foreigner joke. Sue me.
- 1:40 - I swear, there's only been like, one actual non-offsetting penalty call this game. Which is weird, considering how dirty Anaheim is.
- 7:15 - It's really hard to type little things when there's no break.
- 7:31 - Anaheim (Getzlaf, namely) with some REALLY cheap shit on Zetterberg. Perry tries to fight Datsyuk - AND HE OBLIGES! AND WHIPS PERRY'S ASS! AND GETS THE TAKEDOWN! DATSYUKIAN DECKS! This is the greatest game fucking ever.
- 8:35 - 42 minutes of penalties...only two power plays. That's fucking hilarious. Ducks are scumbags.
- 10:07 - Parros with a 10 minute misconduct and a 2 for roughing. I guess the Ducks are just gonna be cheap the rest of the game instead of actually playing hockey. Go back to the LNAH, you losers.
- 12:03 - Homer to the box for the first Duck PP of the game (I think). Probably a bad call. I missed it, haha. Whatever. Getzlaf back on the ice. Everything looks a bit more AIDS-y.
- 12:45 - Yow. I don't know how Howard stopped that Selanne shot. Skill.
- 13:45 - Cleary with a shorthanded breakaway, has puck poked away by Visnovsky. Surprised he didn't get fucking tackled. Visnovsky showing some restraint, I guess.
- 16:23 - Brad Stuart and Brookbank going at it. Ducks don't care about hockey anymore. Cheap shots after every whistle. Wings answering the bell, though. You gotta love it! Also Jimmy Howard facewashing Corey Perry. God damn. You GOTTA LOVE IT. He had a total look of anger while doing it. Angry Jimmy is a scary, scary thing. Bobby Ryan in the box for being a dicknubbin.
- 17:01 - Ducks being called for too many men. Hahahahaha. Jesus Christ. Try to suck a little harder. 5 on 3 for Detroit for another 1:22.
- 17:30 - Bertuzzi getting hooked, Ducks getting ANOTHER penalty. This is the best game ever. God, Anaheim fucking sucks.
- 18:30 - Anaheim still sucking. They really don't care anymore. Corey Perry's a bitch.
- 20:00 - It's over! No cheap shots after the whistle...wow.
Postgame Comments:
- WHAT A GAME!!!
- Jim-Jam Howard kicks off the season in style with a SHUTOUT of the disgustingly cheap Anaheim Ducks...and also gives bitch-ass Corey Perry a facewash.
- Pavel Datsyuk with a Gordie Howe Hat Trick. Who knew Pavel could fight? We do now. And so does bitch-ass Corey Perry.
- Mike Modano scores his first goal as a Wing. Building went nuts, and Mike Modano looked like the N64 kid. He looked THAT happy.
- Ryan Getzlaf is a cunt.
- Corey Perry is a bitch.
- Refs, that Cleary goal doesn't make up for ALL the shit you do to us, but it's a nice start.
That's all for now. What a game! Can't wait for tomorrow night. Can't wait to see our boys kick some Blackhawk ass and ruin their stupid banner ceremony.
Until next time.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Apparently, Empty Gestures Are Now More Dangerous Than Kneeing a Guy
So yesterday, pre-season hockey started. Hooray! But the Wings lost. Boo. 5-1. To the Crosbys. As if that weren't bad enough, noted douchebag Brooks "Future Child Rapist/Current General Douchebag" Orpik attempted to put Johan Franzen out for a long, long time with a dangerous knee-on-knee hit in the first period while his team led 3-0. Gutless? Yes, but we shouldn't expect anything else from a team with Sidney Crosby as its captain. When Todd Bertuzzi came to Franzen's defense, he got kicked out of the game as well (misconduct loolol). Of course, Orpik got a game misconduct as well, AND a five minute major...
...but does he get anything else in terms of supplemental discipline? After all, it was a dangerous, stupid, calculated hit that could've resulted in serious injury - especially on a player with a history with those sorts of problems (and a freshly repaired ACL).
Prediction: No. Because he's a Penguin. Never mind the fact that Franzen's out at least three more preseason games because of it. As per usual, the NHL is looking at the result rather than the action.
This is incredibly stupid. It's like saying, "Well, you shot this guy's mom in the face, but the bullet only went through her cheek instead of her brain, so we're not going to take action against you." A stupid reckless play is a stupid reckless play. And Brooks Orpik is a giant piece of crap. Not that cool white 70s dog poop - but a fresh steaming wet pile left by a fat guy in your living room after he spent the night eating cabbage and drinking rotten milk and Japanese rice wine.
During the Halfhawks/Yzermans match that night as well, Chicago "defense" "man" Nick Boynton attempted to catch TB forward Chris Durno with a knee-on-knee hit. Fortunately, Durno got right back up, but Blair Jones still kicked the shit out of Boynton for being a fuckbag. Take a looksee!
The hit occurs real early in the video (check the slo-mo version at around 0:48 as well), then we see Jones just pummel the living bejebus out of Boynton. Then, in typical Chicago fan fashion, starts talking even more shit and gives a throat-slash gesture (I prefer Chris Benoit's version myself) to Jones in the box, and backs it up by saying "you're fucking dead."
Haha, oh, typical Chicago. You get your ass beat and still talk shit. You jokers.
But here's where the story gets weird. Boynton got a one-game suspension. For that gesture. Not for the KNEE...but for making a motion to a guy who just kicked his ass.
Thank God. Thank God we don't have to deal with that beast. Going around making gestures, putting all of our children in danger with empty threats...the NHL really hit the nail on the head with this one. I can just imagine Gary Bettman sitting in his office, trying to put his little legs up on his desk...leaning back, and smoking a bubble pipe. He says "BOYS...we took a stand here today. We said that we, as a league, will tolerate dangerous injury-intending hits like Matt Cooke's, Doug Murray's, and Brooks Orpik's...but we will NOT stand idly by while maniacs like Nick Boynton flail their hands around at opponents from 15 away. THIS WILL NOT STAND."
And the chirping? Who chirps at opponents? What is this, hockey?!
Hear that, NHL? You guys can kill each other and cheap shot each other all you want, but by God, if you tell the guy beforehand, you are gonna get it from the Wheel of Discipline...maybe.
Ass.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Red Wings Sign Highest Scoring Belarusian Player in NHL History!
OH MAN. So just days after securing the services of the highest scoring American in NHL history (one Michael Q. Modano), Ken Holland has done it again, signing the HIGHEST SCORING PLAYER FROM BELARUS...EVER. What privileged fans are we, with this magnificent management, who can watch our team acquire two of the greatest players to ever lace up skates?That's right, the legendary Ruslan Salei is now a Detroit Red Wing.
That's okay, I'll give you a minute to mop up the bodily fluids that just spewed forth from your every orifice.
Ruslan Salei. Belarus' ALL-TIME LEADING NHL SCORER. Holy living shit.
He's a scoring FORCE, scoring 194 points in almost 900 career games. Oh my GOD, HOW LUCKY ARE WE? Suck on THAT, Sergei Kostitsyn! Eat BALLS, Andrei Kostitsyn! You're balding and you look like Friar Tuck.
That said, can you believe we can afford to have this magnificent player on the THIRD DEFENSIVE PAIRING? HOW LUCKY ARE WE?!
THE GUY'S A LEGEND! Plus, look what I found on the WIKIPEDIA. Salei apparently scored 100 goals at the 2000 World Ice Hockey Championships.
Thanks, Wikipedia. You've never lied to me.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Mike Modano - What REALLY Happened
As everyone knows by now, Mike Modano has signed with his hometown Detroit Red Wings for one final run at hockey's ultimate prize. After 20 years with the same organization that drafted him and helped him become the amazing player he was, he was shown the door. A bit of a dick move just because he's 40, but if you think about it, playing with the Dallas Stars last year, he scored 14 goals in 30 points in 59 games. That's slightly better than a point every two games. Not bad for a guy his age, I'd say.
America's all-time leading scorer may be 40 years old, but he's coming now to the Detroit bloody Red Wings to play center between Dan Cleary and the returning Jiri Hudler. If Mike can play 70 games, it would be stupid to think he couldn't get 40 or more points, maybe even 50. I mean, Jiri Hudler had 57 points his last season here. And HE bangs hookers!
His signing with Detroit was a point of contention with some Red Wings fans, but I think we can all agree now that the team will Willa Ford's boobs Willa Ford's ass Willa Ford's boobs Willa Ford's ass.
But what about what happened with Minnesota and San Jose? After Modano announced it was either "Detroit or retirement", the Sharks and Wild reportedly approached him about signing. The Sharks were in a warm climate and were in prime position for Mo to take one final run at a second round playoff exit.
The Wild wanted him for novelty purposes only. If Mo wanted to go back to the state where he started his pro career, it would be in Minnesota. Of course, Mo would be golfing by the second week of April, but OMG NOSTALGIA RITE?!
And then we later found out that there was no real contact between those teams and Modano before he made his ultimate decision with the Red Wings, right? Well, that, my friends, is a half-truth. Beards of War has obtained this exclusive footage of how Mike Modano ended up selecting to join the Detroit Red Wings for a run at number 12:
'atta boy, Mo. 'atta boy.
America's all-time leading scorer may be 40 years old, but he's coming now to the Detroit bloody Red Wings to play center between Dan Cleary and the returning Jiri Hudler. If Mike can play 70 games, it would be stupid to think he couldn't get 40 or more points, maybe even 50. I mean, Jiri Hudler had 57 points his last season here. And HE bangs hookers!
His signing with Detroit was a point of contention with some Red Wings fans, but I think we can all agree now that the team will Willa Ford's boobs Willa Ford's ass Willa Ford's boobs Willa Ford's ass.
But what about what happened with Minnesota and San Jose? After Modano announced it was either "Detroit or retirement", the Sharks and Wild reportedly approached him about signing. The Sharks were in a warm climate and were in prime position for Mo to take one final run at a second round playoff exit.
The Wild wanted him for novelty purposes only. If Mo wanted to go back to the state where he started his pro career, it would be in Minnesota. Of course, Mo would be golfing by the second week of April, but OMG NOSTALGIA RITE?!
And then we later found out that there was no real contact between those teams and Modano before he made his ultimate decision with the Red Wings, right? Well, that, my friends, is a half-truth. Beards of War has obtained this exclusive footage of how Mike Modano ended up selecting to join the Detroit Red Wings for a run at number 12:
'atta boy, Mo. 'atta boy.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
The Detroit Red Wings: What They Mean to Me
During the past few years, you've come to Beards of War for hockey related comedy, satire, snark, and sarcasm- ...alright, that's wrong. Over the past...er, month, you've come here when you're bored at work and looking for time to kill. And for a quick chuckle. And that's what I'm usually good at, because it's a style I'm comfortable with.
However, in this entry, I've decided to go out of my comfort zone with a SERIOUS Red Wings post. During my travels throughout the Detroit blogosphere, I've noticed other bloggers and fans discussing what drew them to this team; whether it was by choice or whether they grew up with it.
I guess I just figured since I know a pretty good number of people read this, perhaps you'd like to know why I like...no, LOVE the Red Wings.
I guess I'll start at the beginning. I was born at the ass-end of 1985, so my memories of the "Dead Wings" era or missing the playoffs are practically non-existent. In fact, I believe my earliest hockey memory of any sort was a Red Wings/San Jose Sharks game from either 1992 or 1993. I don't remember who won. I don't even really remember many of the players, except for Steve Yzerman. I know this because my dad told me. I still didn't really get it. I'm just like, "oh, okay. That's cool."
My dad's been a Red Wings fan for as long as I remember; longer than I've had memories. He's more a Wings fan than a hockey fan; you know, doesn't really know anything about other teams, but could tell you a lot about the home team. His only memories aside from ones about the Wings have to do with rivalries. I remember this mug he got from Dunkin Donuts that had Paul Coffey on it. It was a Coffey Mug. I remember asking him "who's this?", and he responded "That's Paul Coffey, he plays for the Red Wings."
"What's a Red Wing?"
"It's a wheel with a wing on it. They play hockey."
"Oh. That's cool he makes coffee too! And his name is Coffey!" He just kind of laughed at that. I really didn't get it. I seriously thought Paul Coffey made coffee. 15 years later, I realize now that Tim Horton was the coffee guy. Though let's face it, Paul Coffey should think about starting up a franchise. Coffey Coffee. They could open up next to Pizza Pizza. I dunno.
These are my earliest sports memories. That, and going to Detroit Tigers spring training in 1992 in Florida and receiving a pen and a hat from a guy talking about the "new" expansion franchise coming to Miami soon. That's how I became a Florida Marlins fan, by the way. Hand out free crap to kids and they're fans for life. I have faint memories of the Detroit Pistons bad boy era too.
But as for hockey, we didn't have cable or any decent television coverage, so watching hockey games on TV was very rare; we either had to go to parents' friends' houses or restaurants. We got cable in 1994 and moved into the city in 1995. Having cable was a trip. Having ESPN in my own bloody bedroom was weird. Those were the days when Nickelodeon didn't suck, and thus, I was preoccupied with that instead of hockey. I regret that. Those were the days I also played outside with my friends...which I also don't do anymore.
I do remember 1997 and 1998's back to back championships. I remember my dad saving one of the newspapers from my paper route in '97 because it was the one with the Red Wings on the front. I was excited for them, even if I didn't know anything about the team. It's the home team! I remember him talking about the brawl that occurred that March. That's when I understood there was a rivalry between Detroit and Colorado. I didn't like Colorado.
I remember seeing the news when Vladdy Konstantinov was in that accident. I remember being bummed. Severely. Again, I didn't know why. It was the home team, I guess.
I remember seeing them lift the Cup in '98 and I saw Vladdy hold it from his wheelchair. Seriously uplifting.
Unfortunately, my hockey memories between the fall of '98 and fall '01 are nonexistent. We moved into an apartment in 2000, and then to Battle Creek, Michigan in the spring of 2001.
That March, my dad received a job offer from the FAA. The government. They were going to relocate him.
To Denver, Colorado.
At first, I liked the idea. We'd finish out the school year in Battle Creek and then my brother, my mom and I would join my dad and go house hunting in the summertime. I was 15 years old at that time and had lived my entire life in suburban Michigan. I wanted to see what life was like with the mountains and the thin air...and the Avalanche fans.
I thought this would be fun. I hoped it would be fun. It was a little tough, given it was my third high school in one year's time, not to mention leaving all my friends behind and moving 2,000 miles west of where I'd lived all my life. There's really no other way to go about it than to go into it with a good attitude. Where else could I go?
Unfortunately, the kids at my high school didn't much care for me. They weren't as friendly as I would've liked. In fact, that's an understatement. They were downright horrible. I don't really talk about this much, but it adds to the story...so I guess I have no choice. Here goes.
*exhale*
When we moved to Colorado, I was roughly 5'7" and close to 300 pounds. I was a fat kid. The Colorado kids made sure I knew it. The entire school year, I was called names from passing cars; beached whale. Fatty. Godzilla. Lardass. You name it. I had things thrown at me from cars; bottles. Cans. Garbage.
I was beat up more than a few times my dudes much taller and stronger than me. I still don't know why. I was threatened with further violence and with death. Fortunately, they were too cowardly and coked up to follow through with anything more than what they already did.
My self-esteem was already on very shaky ground by just moving out there. I was always a very shy kid, and I still am. But at least people in Michigan didn't hate me because I was fat...or whatever reason.
The fact they didn't hesitate to do that stuff in front of my younger brother killed me too. The fact he couldn't do anything but look at me with a sad expression or say "sorry" as they called me names and drove away or whatever sucked even more. How are you supposed to look at your older siblings when they're being dehumanized right in front of you?
Those guys didn't even know me.
Needless to say, I didn't have any friends. I hated going to school. I hated leaving my room. I don't know how many times I'd sit in my room and cry about my life; at 15 years old. Kind of pathetic now that I look back on it. I'd sit and wonder what was wrong with me. What had I done to upset them? Did I exude something that was automatically unlikeable?
I wanted to die. I wanted to kill myself. I thought I was better off dead. I did not want this life anymore. I thought there was no way out.
We'd take day trips into Denver, and I wouldn't talk. All I would say is "I want to go home." I didn't like being out in public anymore. I didn't like people even glancing at me, because I assumed they were judging me. It's sad what I'd become.
As school was winding down, I started to watch the Stanley Cup playoffs. When I first tuned in, Detroit was playing St. Louis. They ended up winning that series in 5 games. That's not to say I didn't watch the occasional game when I could; this was the first year I actually knew who was on the team!
The next round is one you should remember. And it's why I love the Red Wings.
The Western Conference finals of the 2002 pitted the Detroit Red Wings against the Colorado Avalanche. It seems sort of symbolic for me now, just because it was Michigan versus Colorado, which is how I saw my situation. I'm a Michigan boy caught in the awful state of Colorado.
The Colorado Avalanche represented everything disgusting and horrible and wrong with the world. The Colorado Avalanche were sin. The Colorado Avalanche were pestilence. They were the assholes beating on me. They were the guys throwing their pop bottles at me from their moving car. They were the coked up morons telling me they were going to slit my throat if they saw me again.
The Detroit Red Wings were the heroes. Steve Yzerman was the glowing god with the glowing sword. Every time they won, I gained hope. Every time they lost, I died a little. When it went to a Game 7, I was on pins and needles. I'd never hoped for anything more in my life. I wanted them to crush the Avs, and I wanted them to do it with an exclamation mark.
They didn't disappoint.
Holmstrom.
Fedorov.
Robitaille.
Holmstrom again.
Hull.
Patrick Roy, the king of all douchebags on the douchebaggiest team in the douchebaggiest city in the douchebaggiest state in America, gets PULLED.
Oh, but we're not done. Olausson on the powerplay.
And Pavel Datsyuk on the powerplay.
7-0. The Detroit Red Wings didn't just beat Colorado, they crushed them. They chased Patrick Roy. They were going to the Stanley Cup finals.
I watched this game alone in my room while my parents and brother were out at a party. No one was there to see me bawl like a little girl as I watched *MY* Red Wings celebrate beating the Colorado Avalanche.
Steve Yzerman and his crew had thwarted all that was wrong with the world.
It gave me hope. Maybe *I* could beat this Colorado thing too.
Through finals week at school, nothing could bother me. I didn't listen to the kids. I wore my Red Wings shirt to school for the first time ever. I caught so many dirty looks and so many threats. But I didn't care. MY team was better than THEIR team. I watched the Wings play the Carolina Hurricanes. I watched them lose Game 1, but I didn't see them lose any more after that.
I remember triple overtime.
I remember Game 5. My favorite game of all time. I remember all the goals.
I remember Brendan Shanahan's empty netter with 45 seconds to go. "SCOOOORES!!! BRENDAN SHANAHAN!!!!"
I remember Gary Thorne's call: "...THE DETROIT RED WINGS HAVE WON THE 2002 STANLEY CUP!"
I remember it vividly. I don't know how many times I've replayed it on YouTube since then. But to this day, it still gives me goosebumps. It still almost makes me tear up.
To me, this wasn't just a hockey team playing a hockey game for a hockey prize. They were playing for me. They were playing for me stuck behind enemy lines, with no hope. They gave me hope. They gave me something to be happy for. They gave me something to believe in. I believed in them. They didn't let me down. They won it all.
And they won it for me.
....
A happy footnote to this story; that fall, the FAA offered my dad a relocation back to Michigan. He accepted.
We left Colorado forever on September 22, 2002.
I was back home. In Michigan.
Colorado left its scars and its damage, but I survived...thanks to the Red Wings.
All these years later, I still have an undying love for the team that pulled me through the most difficult period of my young life. It's something that'll never go away, because it can't. They're my heroes. And they always will be. The faces and names may change, but the love never will.
And that's what the Red Wings mean to me.
However, in this entry, I've decided to go out of my comfort zone with a SERIOUS Red Wings post. During my travels throughout the Detroit blogosphere, I've noticed other bloggers and fans discussing what drew them to this team; whether it was by choice or whether they grew up with it.
I guess I just figured since I know a pretty good number of people read this, perhaps you'd like to know why I like...no, LOVE the Red Wings.
I guess I'll start at the beginning. I was born at the ass-end of 1985, so my memories of the "Dead Wings" era or missing the playoffs are practically non-existent. In fact, I believe my earliest hockey memory of any sort was a Red Wings/San Jose Sharks game from either 1992 or 1993. I don't remember who won. I don't even really remember many of the players, except for Steve Yzerman. I know this because my dad told me. I still didn't really get it. I'm just like, "oh, okay. That's cool."
My dad's been a Red Wings fan for as long as I remember; longer than I've had memories. He's more a Wings fan than a hockey fan; you know, doesn't really know anything about other teams, but could tell you a lot about the home team. His only memories aside from ones about the Wings have to do with rivalries. I remember this mug he got from Dunkin Donuts that had Paul Coffey on it. It was a Coffey Mug. I remember asking him "who's this?", and he responded "That's Paul Coffey, he plays for the Red Wings."
"What's a Red Wing?"
"It's a wheel with a wing on it. They play hockey."
"Oh. That's cool he makes coffee too! And his name is Coffey!" He just kind of laughed at that. I really didn't get it. I seriously thought Paul Coffey made coffee. 15 years later, I realize now that Tim Horton was the coffee guy. Though let's face it, Paul Coffey should think about starting up a franchise. Coffey Coffee. They could open up next to Pizza Pizza. I dunno.
These are my earliest sports memories. That, and going to Detroit Tigers spring training in 1992 in Florida and receiving a pen and a hat from a guy talking about the "new" expansion franchise coming to Miami soon. That's how I became a Florida Marlins fan, by the way. Hand out free crap to kids and they're fans for life. I have faint memories of the Detroit Pistons bad boy era too.
But as for hockey, we didn't have cable or any decent television coverage, so watching hockey games on TV was very rare; we either had to go to parents' friends' houses or restaurants. We got cable in 1994 and moved into the city in 1995. Having cable was a trip. Having ESPN in my own bloody bedroom was weird. Those were the days when Nickelodeon didn't suck, and thus, I was preoccupied with that instead of hockey. I regret that. Those were the days I also played outside with my friends...which I also don't do anymore.
I do remember 1997 and 1998's back to back championships. I remember my dad saving one of the newspapers from my paper route in '97 because it was the one with the Red Wings on the front. I was excited for them, even if I didn't know anything about the team. It's the home team! I remember him talking about the brawl that occurred that March. That's when I understood there was a rivalry between Detroit and Colorado. I didn't like Colorado.
I remember seeing the news when Vladdy Konstantinov was in that accident. I remember being bummed. Severely. Again, I didn't know why. It was the home team, I guess.
I remember seeing them lift the Cup in '98 and I saw Vladdy hold it from his wheelchair. Seriously uplifting.
Unfortunately, my hockey memories between the fall of '98 and fall '01 are nonexistent. We moved into an apartment in 2000, and then to Battle Creek, Michigan in the spring of 2001.
That March, my dad received a job offer from the FAA. The government. They were going to relocate him.
To Denver, Colorado.
At first, I liked the idea. We'd finish out the school year in Battle Creek and then my brother, my mom and I would join my dad and go house hunting in the summertime. I was 15 years old at that time and had lived my entire life in suburban Michigan. I wanted to see what life was like with the mountains and the thin air...and the Avalanche fans.
I thought this would be fun. I hoped it would be fun. It was a little tough, given it was my third high school in one year's time, not to mention leaving all my friends behind and moving 2,000 miles west of where I'd lived all my life. There's really no other way to go about it than to go into it with a good attitude. Where else could I go?
Unfortunately, the kids at my high school didn't much care for me. They weren't as friendly as I would've liked. In fact, that's an understatement. They were downright horrible. I don't really talk about this much, but it adds to the story...so I guess I have no choice. Here goes.
*exhale*
When we moved to Colorado, I was roughly 5'7" and close to 300 pounds. I was a fat kid. The Colorado kids made sure I knew it. The entire school year, I was called names from passing cars; beached whale. Fatty. Godzilla. Lardass. You name it. I had things thrown at me from cars; bottles. Cans. Garbage.
I was beat up more than a few times my dudes much taller and stronger than me. I still don't know why. I was threatened with further violence and with death. Fortunately, they were too cowardly and coked up to follow through with anything more than what they already did.
My self-esteem was already on very shaky ground by just moving out there. I was always a very shy kid, and I still am. But at least people in Michigan didn't hate me because I was fat...or whatever reason.
The fact they didn't hesitate to do that stuff in front of my younger brother killed me too. The fact he couldn't do anything but look at me with a sad expression or say "sorry" as they called me names and drove away or whatever sucked even more. How are you supposed to look at your older siblings when they're being dehumanized right in front of you?
Those guys didn't even know me.
Needless to say, I didn't have any friends. I hated going to school. I hated leaving my room. I don't know how many times I'd sit in my room and cry about my life; at 15 years old. Kind of pathetic now that I look back on it. I'd sit and wonder what was wrong with me. What had I done to upset them? Did I exude something that was automatically unlikeable?
I wanted to die. I wanted to kill myself. I thought I was better off dead. I did not want this life anymore. I thought there was no way out.
We'd take day trips into Denver, and I wouldn't talk. All I would say is "I want to go home." I didn't like being out in public anymore. I didn't like people even glancing at me, because I assumed they were judging me. It's sad what I'd become.
As school was winding down, I started to watch the Stanley Cup playoffs. When I first tuned in, Detroit was playing St. Louis. They ended up winning that series in 5 games. That's not to say I didn't watch the occasional game when I could; this was the first year I actually knew who was on the team!
The next round is one you should remember. And it's why I love the Red Wings.
The Western Conference finals of the 2002 pitted the Detroit Red Wings against the Colorado Avalanche. It seems sort of symbolic for me now, just because it was Michigan versus Colorado, which is how I saw my situation. I'm a Michigan boy caught in the awful state of Colorado.
The Colorado Avalanche represented everything disgusting and horrible and wrong with the world. The Colorado Avalanche were sin. The Colorado Avalanche were pestilence. They were the assholes beating on me. They were the guys throwing their pop bottles at me from their moving car. They were the coked up morons telling me they were going to slit my throat if they saw me again.
The Detroit Red Wings were the heroes. Steve Yzerman was the glowing god with the glowing sword. Every time they won, I gained hope. Every time they lost, I died a little. When it went to a Game 7, I was on pins and needles. I'd never hoped for anything more in my life. I wanted them to crush the Avs, and I wanted them to do it with an exclamation mark.
They didn't disappoint.
Holmstrom.
Fedorov.
Robitaille.
Holmstrom again.
Hull.
Patrick Roy, the king of all douchebags on the douchebaggiest team in the douchebaggiest city in the douchebaggiest state in America, gets PULLED.
Oh, but we're not done. Olausson on the powerplay.
And Pavel Datsyuk on the powerplay.
7-0. The Detroit Red Wings didn't just beat Colorado, they crushed them. They chased Patrick Roy. They were going to the Stanley Cup finals.
I watched this game alone in my room while my parents and brother were out at a party. No one was there to see me bawl like a little girl as I watched *MY* Red Wings celebrate beating the Colorado Avalanche.
Steve Yzerman and his crew had thwarted all that was wrong with the world.
It gave me hope. Maybe *I* could beat this Colorado thing too.
Through finals week at school, nothing could bother me. I didn't listen to the kids. I wore my Red Wings shirt to school for the first time ever. I caught so many dirty looks and so many threats. But I didn't care. MY team was better than THEIR team. I watched the Wings play the Carolina Hurricanes. I watched them lose Game 1, but I didn't see them lose any more after that.
I remember triple overtime.
I remember Game 5. My favorite game of all time. I remember all the goals.
I remember Brendan Shanahan's empty netter with 45 seconds to go. "SCOOOORES!!! BRENDAN SHANAHAN!!!!"
I remember Gary Thorne's call: "...THE DETROIT RED WINGS HAVE WON THE 2002 STANLEY CUP!"
I remember it vividly. I don't know how many times I've replayed it on YouTube since then. But to this day, it still gives me goosebumps. It still almost makes me tear up.
To me, this wasn't just a hockey team playing a hockey game for a hockey prize. They were playing for me. They were playing for me stuck behind enemy lines, with no hope. They gave me hope. They gave me something to be happy for. They gave me something to believe in. I believed in them. They didn't let me down. They won it all.
And they won it for me.
....
A happy footnote to this story; that fall, the FAA offered my dad a relocation back to Michigan. He accepted.
We left Colorado forever on September 22, 2002.
I was back home. In Michigan.
Colorado left its scars and its damage, but I survived...thanks to the Red Wings.
All these years later, I still have an undying love for the team that pulled me through the most difficult period of my young life. It's something that'll never go away, because it can't. They're my heroes. And they always will be. The faces and names may change, but the love never will.
And that's what the Red Wings mean to me.
Monday, July 5, 2010
R.I.P. Bob Probert - One Tough Sonofabitch
It's confirmed; former Red Wing and Blackhawk enforcer Bob Probert died today after collapsing on a boat in Lake St. Clair.It's actually very hard for me to try and formulate some kind of "tribute" or anything with my words; mostly because his time with the Red Wings started in 1985 (when I was born) and ended before I was 8 years old, so my memories of him and the team at that time are fuzzy at best...so if I tried to make some big, emotional tribute, it would just come off as cheesy and dishonest.
However, this doesn't mean I totally lack any memory of him at all. Not to mention the internet has given us the YouTube, so all the old fans can go back and rewatch some of the classic Probert brawls against guys like Tie Domi. That's how I went back and "relived" Probert's best moments and how I became "re-enamored" with the man.
Or...y'know, there's also "Battle of the Blades." Probert was such a dude, he could make figure skating manly.
This also doesn't mean I won't say some kind words about Probie. So here goes.
There may never be another enforcer like Bob Probert; he was the best. He wasn't a "goon" whose only job was to go out, get in a fight, and stay on the bench the rest of the game. Probert was a "don't fuck with my team" guy. He played and lived hard...maybe a little too hard. His issues with drugs and alcohol are well-documented, so I don't feel I should bring them up right now. All I can say is I hope they weren't involved with his passing today.
My friend Sylvia used to tell me stories about Bob Probert hanging out in her basement when she was growing up in Windsor. Helluva guy.
How many enforcers nowadays could score 29 goals and 62 points in a season, IN ADDITION to 398 penalty minutes? None. They just don't make 'em like they used to, and nor will they. It's a different era, anyway.
I've always been the type who falls hard into nostalgia, and all the pictures one can find of Yzerman next to Probert definitely hit home. Sometimes I wonder what it'd be like if Probert had stayed with the Wings when they won their Stanley Cups...or what it'd look like to see him lifting said Cup.
So to the greatest fighter to ever don the Winged Wheel OR the Injun head - I say rest well, Probie. May you find the peace we've all wished for you. Also, if there is a heaven, and if there is a God, and if you're there with them both, make sure you keep 'em all safe. We all know you could. Also, punch St. Peter right in the face, he's getting a little cocky. Take his sainthood away too. I think "St. Probert" sounds better, anyway.
To the cosummate teammate and enforcer.
Bob Probert. One tough sonofabitch.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
NHL Awards 2010 Recap
7:30 PM - Awards open with Snoop Dogg ..uh, rapping. His shirt's got an old NHL logo. Y'know. The orange one with the downward sloping letters. Also a bunch of numbers. Travis Barker's on the drums. Even my closed captioning doesn't know what the fuck Snoop's saying. Probably something about ass. They got some clips of hockey stuff going on though.
7:32 - Introducing everyone at the show. Nice to hear "Ron MacLean" and "Ed Olczyk" are NHL legends. Also Cirque du Soleil performing to The Beatles. That's hockey.
7:34 - Oh hey, it's Jay Mohr. Talking about Keno. That's also hockey. Also said "Cindy Crosby." Makes a Phoenix joke. Nice. Also claims he loves hockey now. Okay.
7:35 - "Laugh it up, Bruins fans, we laughed at you in the playoffs." Nice job. Also showed Bettman laughing. That makes me cry.
7:38 - Jay Mohr introduces Mark Wahlberg for the Calder Trophy. ("HEY CALDER TROPHY. HOW'S IT GOING? WE SHOULD DO A MOVIE TOGETHER. ....SAY HI TO YOUR MOTHER FOR ME.") Have to say, Jay Mohr did a good job with the jokes. The exchanges with the Sedins was quality.
7:41 - Tyler Myers wins the Calder. He deserves it. Still feel Jimmy was robbed and voters were hypnotized by Tyler's size more than anything.
7:43 - Tyler Myers is still talking. They're trying to play him off with the music. Also realizing Tyler Myers' neck is taller than I am.
7:44 - Luc Robitaille and Natasha Henstridge presenting the Selke award. A little awkward.
7:45 - DAT'S MY BOY! Datsyuk wins the Selke. No question. Now we get a Datsyuk speech! "I want to thank the management for paying me. I wish you'd never stop." Hahahaha.
7:47 - Showing Henrik Sedin with the Art Ross Trophy.
7:49 - George Strombolipopolopodopolous interviewing Patricks Sharp and Kane in some d-bag lounge. Kaner's lost his mullet, thank God. Still a douche. He's a manwhore. He's gonna get drunk with that showgirl later...and beat her up for change.
7:50 - Cirque du Soleil performing to The Beatles. I ...I just don't know.
7:53 - CDS just ended. Thank God, I have no idea what's going on. Feels like I have a hair in my mouth. Oh hey, it's Jay Mohr.
7:54 - Ron MacLean and Ted Lindsay about to hand out the Ted Lindsay Award.
7:56 - AO! Ovie wins the Ted Lindsay Award! Russian machine never break...and doesn't lose. Except in the playoffs. Dedicates the trophy to his dead brother. That's sweet.
7:57 - Black guy from "Daily Line" shows up, but Ovie wasn't done. Finishes speech, now black guy talks.
7:59 - Presentation about the Vancouver Winter Olympics, a comedy skit featuring Bobby Ryan and Ryan Getzlaf. About Getzlaf being a dick to Bobby because of his "silver." Dammit, why'd I giggle? I hate Ryan Getzlaf.
8:02 - Stamkos and Crosby presented with the Rocket Richard Trophy. Stamkos is very white. Rosby is very woman.
8:06 - John Slattery coming out to present the Jack Adams. I liked Joe Sacco better when he sang for the Mighty Mighty Bosstones.
8:07 - Absolutely no surprise, Dave Tippett wins the Jack Adams Award. Maybe Barry Trotz could win it some day if he got a neck. Tippett: "This is a time where people stand up and thank their owners, I would do that, but I don't know all 29 of them." Ouch!
8:09 - DB Sweeney and Jamie Kennedy presenting the Vezna...er. That's Vezina, Jamie. Awkward banter. Kennedy was playing blackjack, apparently. DB wins the "faceoff" to name the winner.
8:11 - OH FUCK YES! RYAN MILLER WINS THE VEZINA! The pride of East Lansing! Michigan pride, baby, all day. Drew Miller gets a shoutout in the acceptance speech.
8:14 - Marty Brodeur with the Jennings Trophy. As soon as that lady gets done interviewing him with it, he's going to eat it. And her. And not sexually.
8:19 - Jay Mohr with a Tracy Morgan impression. Random. Oh, now a Shinedown performance. Time to go take a leak.
8:31 - Apologies. I went to eat. Missed the Masterton Trophy award...went to Jose Theodore, who I understand gave an emotional speech. Now Jay Mohr in a bad Norm MacDonald impression introduces Jerry Bruckheimer, who is introducing the King Clancy trophy.
8:34 - It goes to Shane Doan for his leadership/community presence. Some Army dudes are presenting him with the actual hardware. Cool beans. Humble dude, not afraid to poke fun at Phoenix's situation either.
8:36 - Ugh. Hawks with the Cup. Like watching a frat guy fondle your ex.
8:38 - Some people from some ABC show introducing the Lady Byng Trophy. Closed caption said "Leddybing." Interesting.
8:40 - Marty St. Louis wins the Lady Byng. Not surprised; highest points to PIMs ratio in the league. Fifth straight nomination, first win. Owes it to Brad Richards, because "Christmas cards to the referees work real well." Marty St. Louis is a funny guy. HIGHLY underrated.
8:41 - Crosby wins the Messier Leadership Award. What is this, I don't- Crosby? A leader? "Lead the NHL since the lockout"? ARE YOU BLOODY KIDDING ME. At least Crosby admitted when he looks for leadership, he looks to Steve Yzerman. Then again, so has everyone else in the past 20 goddamn years. He's only the most complete player...no, complete MAN ever.
8:45 - Oh gross, it's Ed Olczyk. Wonder if he's gonna show us his Blackhawks thong. Ed Olczyk is a really close talker. JR: "If you had to sit next to Mike Milbury and listen to him talk for four hours, you'd cry too." HAHAAHAHA.
8:47 - Duncan Keith wins the Norris. Again, no surprise. That's like putting up a human being versus a raccoon and a trash can in a "What's Taller" contest.
8:49 - They're cutting off Dunks with the music. He says "FUCK YOU I'M STILL TALKING." Suck it, awards show protocol.
8:50 - Ryan Miller wins the NHL Foundation Award and accepts a big novelty check from Gary Bettman. Funny, the check is actually bigger than the commissioner...it probably makes better decisions, too.
8:51 - Jay Mohr's brilliant Christopher Walken impression into a Goo Goo Dolls performance. John Rzeznik looks very drunk, but I love the Goos, so all is well.
8:54 - Convinced John Rzeznik is drunk. He looks even more like a lesbian than he did 10 years ago.
8:57 - Guy LaFleur out to announce the winner of the Hart Trophy.
8:59 - Guy LaFleur announces da weener of d'Art Mem'reel Trophy is HENRIK SEDDIN. Er...Sedin. Good job. Henrik basically also tells his brother to "suck it."
9:01 - S'IT, GOOD NIGHT.
Let's see how I did.
HART TROPHY:
I predicted: Henrik Sedin
Who won: Henrik Sedin
VEZINA TROPHY:
I predicted: Ryan Miller
Who won: Ryan Miller
CALDER TROPHY:
I predicted: Jimmy Howard
Who won: Tyler Myers
LADY BYNG TROPHY:
I predicted: Martin St. Louis
Who won: Martin St. Louis
SELKE TROPHY:
I predicted: Pavel Datsyuk
Who won: Pavel Datsyuk
JACK ADAMS TROPHY:
I predicted: Dave Tippett
Who won: Dave Tippett
MASTERTRON TROPHY:
I predicted: I didn't.
Who won: Jose Theodore
TED LINDSAY AWARD:
I predicted: Sidney Crosby
Who won: Alex Ovechkin
MESSIER LEADERSHIP AWARD:
I predicted: Shane Doan
Who won: Sidney Crosby
All in all, either these awards were very predictable, or I made smart picks. Sidney Crosby can suck it regarding the Leadership award, because Shane Doan got a leadership award too, and his was presented by real live fucking soldiers. Tyler Myers was worthy of the Calder, but if it were me, I would've voted for Jimmah. But hey, the good news is now he doesn't have to live up that post-Calder hype like Steve Mason could not do.
Also? Jay Mohr. Funny. A lot better than anyone thought he would be. Good jokes, impressions not terrible. Still questioning Cirque du Soleil, but whatever. Good show. Better than last year.
7:32 - Introducing everyone at the show. Nice to hear "Ron MacLean" and "Ed Olczyk" are NHL legends. Also Cirque du Soleil performing to The Beatles. That's hockey.
7:34 - Oh hey, it's Jay Mohr. Talking about Keno. That's also hockey. Also said "Cindy Crosby." Makes a Phoenix joke. Nice. Also claims he loves hockey now. Okay.
7:35 - "Laugh it up, Bruins fans, we laughed at you in the playoffs." Nice job. Also showed Bettman laughing. That makes me cry.
7:38 - Jay Mohr introduces Mark Wahlberg for the Calder Trophy. ("HEY CALDER TROPHY. HOW'S IT GOING? WE SHOULD DO A MOVIE TOGETHER. ....SAY HI TO YOUR MOTHER FOR ME.") Have to say, Jay Mohr did a good job with the jokes. The exchanges with the Sedins was quality.
7:41 - Tyler Myers wins the Calder. He deserves it. Still feel Jimmy was robbed and voters were hypnotized by Tyler's size more than anything.
7:43 - Tyler Myers is still talking. They're trying to play him off with the music. Also realizing Tyler Myers' neck is taller than I am.
7:44 - Luc Robitaille and Natasha Henstridge presenting the Selke award. A little awkward.
7:45 - DAT'S MY BOY! Datsyuk wins the Selke. No question. Now we get a Datsyuk speech! "I want to thank the management for paying me. I wish you'd never stop." Hahahaha.
7:47 - Showing Henrik Sedin with the Art Ross Trophy.
7:49 - George Strombolipopolopodopolous interviewing Patricks Sharp and Kane in some d-bag lounge. Kaner's lost his mullet, thank God. Still a douche. He's a manwhore. He's gonna get drunk with that showgirl later...and beat her up for change.
7:50 - Cirque du Soleil performing to The Beatles. I ...I just don't know.
7:53 - CDS just ended. Thank God, I have no idea what's going on. Feels like I have a hair in my mouth. Oh hey, it's Jay Mohr.
7:54 - Ron MacLean and Ted Lindsay about to hand out the Ted Lindsay Award.
7:56 - AO! Ovie wins the Ted Lindsay Award! Russian machine never break...and doesn't lose. Except in the playoffs. Dedicates the trophy to his dead brother. That's sweet.
7:57 - Black guy from "Daily Line" shows up, but Ovie wasn't done. Finishes speech, now black guy talks.
7:59 - Presentation about the Vancouver Winter Olympics, a comedy skit featuring Bobby Ryan and Ryan Getzlaf. About Getzlaf being a dick to Bobby because of his "silver." Dammit, why'd I giggle? I hate Ryan Getzlaf.
8:02 - Stamkos and Crosby presented with the Rocket Richard Trophy. Stamkos is very white. Rosby is very woman.
8:06 - John Slattery coming out to present the Jack Adams. I liked Joe Sacco better when he sang for the Mighty Mighty Bosstones.
8:07 - Absolutely no surprise, Dave Tippett wins the Jack Adams Award. Maybe Barry Trotz could win it some day if he got a neck. Tippett: "This is a time where people stand up and thank their owners, I would do that, but I don't know all 29 of them." Ouch!
8:09 - DB Sweeney and Jamie Kennedy presenting the Vezna...er. That's Vezina, Jamie. Awkward banter. Kennedy was playing blackjack, apparently. DB wins the "faceoff" to name the winner.
8:11 - OH FUCK YES! RYAN MILLER WINS THE VEZINA! The pride of East Lansing! Michigan pride, baby, all day. Drew Miller gets a shoutout in the acceptance speech.
8:14 - Marty Brodeur with the Jennings Trophy. As soon as that lady gets done interviewing him with it, he's going to eat it. And her. And not sexually.
8:19 - Jay Mohr with a Tracy Morgan impression. Random. Oh, now a Shinedown performance. Time to go take a leak.
8:31 - Apologies. I went to eat. Missed the Masterton Trophy award...went to Jose Theodore, who I understand gave an emotional speech. Now Jay Mohr in a bad Norm MacDonald impression introduces Jerry Bruckheimer, who is introducing the King Clancy trophy.
8:34 - It goes to Shane Doan for his leadership/community presence. Some Army dudes are presenting him with the actual hardware. Cool beans. Humble dude, not afraid to poke fun at Phoenix's situation either.
8:36 - Ugh. Hawks with the Cup. Like watching a frat guy fondle your ex.
8:38 - Some people from some ABC show introducing the Lady Byng Trophy. Closed caption said "Leddybing." Interesting.
8:40 - Marty St. Louis wins the Lady Byng. Not surprised; highest points to PIMs ratio in the league. Fifth straight nomination, first win. Owes it to Brad Richards, because "Christmas cards to the referees work real well." Marty St. Louis is a funny guy. HIGHLY underrated.
8:41 - Crosby wins the Messier Leadership Award. What is this, I don't- Crosby? A leader? "Lead the NHL since the lockout"? ARE YOU BLOODY KIDDING ME. At least Crosby admitted when he looks for leadership, he looks to Steve Yzerman. Then again, so has everyone else in the past 20 goddamn years. He's only the most complete player...no, complete MAN ever.
8:45 - Oh gross, it's Ed Olczyk. Wonder if he's gonna show us his Blackhawks thong. Ed Olczyk is a really close talker. JR: "If you had to sit next to Mike Milbury and listen to him talk for four hours, you'd cry too." HAHAAHAHA.
8:47 - Duncan Keith wins the Norris. Again, no surprise. That's like putting up a human being versus a raccoon and a trash can in a "What's Taller" contest.
8:49 - They're cutting off Dunks with the music. He says "FUCK YOU I'M STILL TALKING." Suck it, awards show protocol.
8:50 - Ryan Miller wins the NHL Foundation Award and accepts a big novelty check from Gary Bettman. Funny, the check is actually bigger than the commissioner...it probably makes better decisions, too.
8:51 - Jay Mohr's brilliant Christopher Walken impression into a Goo Goo Dolls performance. John Rzeznik looks very drunk, but I love the Goos, so all is well.
8:54 - Convinced John Rzeznik is drunk. He looks even more like a lesbian than he did 10 years ago.
8:57 - Guy LaFleur out to announce the winner of the Hart Trophy.
8:59 - Guy LaFleur announces da weener of d'Art Mem'reel Trophy is HENRIK SEDDIN. Er...Sedin. Good job. Henrik basically also tells his brother to "suck it."
9:01 - S'IT, GOOD NIGHT.
Let's see how I did.
HART TROPHY:
I predicted: Henrik Sedin
Who won: Henrik Sedin
VEZINA TROPHY:
I predicted: Ryan Miller
Who won: Ryan Miller
CALDER TROPHY:
I predicted: Jimmy Howard
Who won: Tyler Myers
LADY BYNG TROPHY:
I predicted: Martin St. Louis
Who won: Martin St. Louis
SELKE TROPHY:
I predicted: Pavel Datsyuk
Who won: Pavel Datsyuk
JACK ADAMS TROPHY:
I predicted: Dave Tippett
Who won: Dave Tippett
MASTERTRON TROPHY:
I predicted: I didn't.
Who won: Jose Theodore
TED LINDSAY AWARD:
I predicted: Sidney Crosby
Who won: Alex Ovechkin
MESSIER LEADERSHIP AWARD:
I predicted: Shane Doan
Who won: Sidney Crosby
All in all, either these awards were very predictable, or I made smart picks. Sidney Crosby can suck it regarding the Leadership award, because Shane Doan got a leadership award too, and his was presented by real live fucking soldiers. Tyler Myers was worthy of the Calder, but if it were me, I would've voted for Jimmah. But hey, the good news is now he doesn't have to live up that post-Calder hype like Steve Mason could not do.
Also? Jay Mohr. Funny. A lot better than anyone thought he would be. Good jokes, impressions not terrible. Still questioning Cirque du Soleil, but whatever. Good show. Better than last year.
Beards of War presents: NHL Awards 2010 Predictions
Tonight in Vegas, the stars come out. And by that, we don't mean Sidney Crosby finally admits what many of us have suspected for years. I mean it's time for the NHL Awards. Trophies awarded for the best players in the best sport Canada has to offer, and it only makes sense for the ceremony to be held in...Las Vegas. You may have heard that tonight's show will be hosted by Jay "Hockey Sucks" Mohr, who has recently been on the Tweetz trying to show how down he is with the hock (see also: selling out) by attempting to learn about Kyle Wellwood jokes. I'll believe it when I see it.
Side note: Anyone else find it absolutely hilarious they're having trouble *GIVING* tickets away to the NHL Awards in LV? Never have this problem if this shit was still in the T-Dot, Gary. I love these twists of fate. I bet he sees "Well, they won't come to an award show, but I bet if we relocated a team here from a place where they really love hockey and let it stagnate for 15 years, they'd come to know it exists! Let's find some pathetic senile investor group who doesn't mind losing half a billion dollars first!"
I wonder why Gary thought Vegas was a prime place for a hockey award show. Does Canada lack in celebrities who give a shit about hockey and/or washed-up singers like Chaka Khan? Is it because you couldn't get Snoop Dogg in Toronto? Does he have some drug-related charge he can't cross the border because of? Fuck it! Look at the A-list Canada has to offer! Kiefer Sutherland! Dan Aykroyd! Don Cherry! Howie M-..Mandel! Uh...Brent Butt? Um...oh, Alan Thicke! Anne Murray? Fuck yeah, man. You could also get Drake and Justin Bie-...you know what, never mind.
Let's get to the awards.
THE HART TROPHY.
The Hart Trophy is given to the player who is judged to be the most important to his team. Does this necessarily mean being the best player on a team absolutely loaded with talent? Because that's what you get with Crosby and Ovechkin. Henrik Sedin was the highest scoring forward in the NHL last season on a team that's "pretty good." In my opinion, he was the MVP of his team. Washington can win without Ovechkin (which they had to, due to questionable suspensions), and Pittsburgh has no problem winning without Crosby. When Malkin is missing, either literally or figuratively, so go the Penguins.
Prediction: Henrik Sedin.
THE VEZINA TROPHY.
The Vezina Trophy is the NHL's award for best goaltender during the regular season. It's practically a requirement to have 40+ wins and a .92x save percentage to even be nominated for the bloody thing. This year, we have Martin Brodeur (aka the BESTEST GOALIE LIKE, EVER LOL), Ilya Bryzgalov, and Ryan Miller. Brodeur got through the season with a 45-25-6 record with a 2.24 GAA and a .916 save percentage. Good numbers for a 38 year old fat guy. Ilya Bryzgalov (of Phoenix. Lol I know, rite) boasts a 42-20-6 record with a 2.29 GAA and a .920 save percentage. In Phoenix. And Ryan Miller of the Beefalo Swordslugs has a 41-18-8 record with a 2.22 GAA and a .929 save percentage.
Great numbers all around. Brodeur obviously benefits from the schemes Jersey has implemented, but that's not to say he's not a tremendous goalkeeper. This award comes down to Miller and Bryzgalov. Many will give it to Bryzgalov simply because he plays in Phoenix, where the only tradition (besides whiteouts...and white power) is sucking. Ryan Miller, however, is Buffalo's MVP. He is every year. He's absolutely stellar in every sense. He may not have the most wins of the three, but his save percentage/GAA are the best. You have to take those into account. That is why Ryan Miller gets this one.
Prediction: Ryan Miller
THE NORRIS TROPHY.
No Lidstrom. TRAVESTY. Mike Green gets nominated for an award for "best all-around defenseman", Lidstrom is denied, and I die a little inside. For that, I don't care. Fuck this trophy.
Prediction: Duncan Keith, but who gives a shit.
THE CALDER TROPHY.
Count Matt Duchene out. I mean, he was good, but this is really about Jimmy Howard and Tyler Myers, and any hockey pundit will tell you that. Myers had some impressive numbers for a rookie defenseman, not to mention getting a shitload of minutes and powerplay time. 11 goals, 37 assists, and +13. Damn impressive. However, Detroit's St. James Howard kicked off his rookie career with a 37-15-10 record with a 2.26 GAA and .924 save percentage. If he had 4 more wins, he'd be in Vezina territory as well...and he'd probably win. For the winner of the Calder however, I am looking at who had the biggest impact on his team.
Tyler Myers. Would Buffalo have made the playoffs without him? Probably. Ryan Miller was a force this year. You could give some of the credit for that to Myers as well though. However, the Red Wings lived and DIED by Jimmy Howard. Given the ridiculous multitudes of injuries to key players, the mediocre defense at times, and the downright shoddy officiating, Jimmy Howard came through and he came through big. I know this is irrelevant, but of the three Calder nominees, Jim got his team the farthest. Just saying. Of all the rookies, Jimmy Howard had THE biggest impact on his team. Without him, Detroit would've missed the playoffs for the first time in 20 years. Don't let the media fool you. Myers is far from a lock for this one.
Prediction: JIMMAHHHH
THE LADY BYNG TROPHY.
Ah yes, the "gentlemanly play" category. Our own Pavel Datsyuk has won this bad good boy four years running. Can he make it a fifth? Brad Richards of Dallas and Marty St. Louis of Tampa are his competition...it always seems to be Datsyuk, St. Louis, and someone else, doesn't it? Well, you'd be correct, this is his fifth straight nomination as well. All three players posted incredible seasons, with Marty having a 94 point season playing alongside Steven Stamkos. He also only had 12 penalty minutes. Brad Richards had 91 points and 14 penalty minutes. Datsyuk had 70 points and 18 penalty minutes. You could state the case that half of Pavel's penalties were questionable (which they were) and the refs should've trusted their eyes to Dr. Rahmani, but that doesn't matter much now. I'm thinking Datsyuk's streak will end, and Marty St. Louis will finally get his damn trophy.
Prediction: Martin St. Louis
THE FRANK J. SELKE TROPHY.
The trophy for the league's best defensive forward, here's where Datsyuk is king. He's once again nominated, along with Ryan Kesler of Vancouver and Jordan Staal of the Pittsburgh Crosbys. First, I'm counting out Ryan Kesler. Yes, 75 points is great, but you're not going to win a "best defensive forward" trophy when you're sporting a +1 goal differential, not when your competition are +19 and +17. Plus, if you have 100+ penalty minutes, you're not spending as much time playing defense as you are spending it in the fuckin' box. Staal's got the +19, is pretty good on faceoffs. He also had 41 takeaways. Wait. 41? Pavel Datsyuk had 132, and led the league in them AGAIN. He won more of his faceoffs than Jordan Staal. He had 89 hits and 33 blocked shots. Staal had more hits, and 8 more blocked shots. To me, the tremendous disparity in faceoffs and takeaways give this one easily to Datsyuk.
Prediction: Pavel Datsyuk
THE JACK ADAMS TROPHY.
Who cares? Mike Babcock is the best coach in the NHL and we all know it. But he's not nominated because Detroit can win without him. That's why he will never be nominated and will never win. Whatever. Of Barry Trotz, Dave Tippett, and Joe Sacco, it's Tippett all day. No question.
Prediction: Dave Tippett.
THE MASTERTON MEMORIAL TROPHY.
This is a tough one; the trophy for the player who best exhibits dedication and perseverance. As much as I'd like to say "they're all winners", that's not how it can work and we know it. Plus, that's cheesy. The nominees this year are Washington's Jose Theodore, Tampa Bay's Kurtis Foster and San Jose's Jed Ortmeyer.
Ortmeyer is nominated because of his dedication to hockey despite a hereditary blood-clotting disorder.
From NHL.com:
The veteran forward not only has to work hard each shift to ensure he has a place in the NHL, but also battles a challenging health condition that requires daily attention. At some point each day, Ortmeyer must use a needle to inject a blood thinner directly into his stomach to combat a hereditary blood-clotting disorder that has threatened not only his hockey career, but also his life.
....
The process is tricky and the timing must be precise. The blood thinner, Lovenox, needs to be in his system during the down time when he's not on the ice and it needs to be out of his system when he plays or practices so that a hard check or a high stick does not cause fatal bleeding.
Fuck. That's some heavy shit. There's really nothing else I can say about that.
Kurtis Foster is nominated because in March 2008, he hit the end boards weirdly and shattered his leg. Destroyed it. He wondered if he'd ever play hockey again, it was that bad. NHL.com again:
"After understanding exactly what kind of surgery he underwent, he later would admit that he realized he was lucky to even walk again."
And somehow, he hangs onto his hockey dream, comes back and plays rehab stints in Houston, and goes back to the Wild and puts up 7 points in 10 games. Then, in the offseason, he signs with Tampa Bay and sets a career high 42 points, also blocking shots and sometimes playing forward. All of this after destroying his leg and going through dangerous surgery. Fuck.
Jose Theodore is nominated not just because of his charity, Saves for Kids. Sure, he donated cash based on every save, win, and shutout to the NICU at Children's National Medical Center in Washington, D.C., but this is all after also losing his infant son who spent his entire life in said hospital. I can't even begin to comprehend what it feels like to lose a child (Kurtis Foster also lost an infant daughter this past year), but playing through it and becoming stronger from it is beyond anything.
Hockey players are really something else in the world of athletics; they're selfless players for the most part, but some of them are near heroic. As lame as it may sound, I don't want to pick a winner here. It just feels like it'd be slightly demeaning to the other two I didn't choose.
It's safe to say though, I have a shit ton of respect for these three guys.
Prediction: ---
THE TED LINDSAY AWARD.
You know. The Lester B. Pearson Award. The "most outstanding player" as voted by the NHLPA. And surprise, surprise, Rosby is nominated. There's your winner.
Prediction: Bitch
THE BRIDGESTONE MESSIER LEADERSHIP AWARD.
Crosby, Shane Doan, and Ryan Miller are up for this. And I know a lot of my Wings fan friends will hate me for this, but Shane Doan will win this one. Let's face it, the man's a great leader. He's tough, he can score, and his goal face is second to none. Never mind he flies around the ice nailing everyone. You know if he were on the Wings during that series doing that shit, you'd have LOVED it. ...well, maybe not the dirty hits, but the energy and childlike enthusiasm? His team followed that.
Prediction: Shane Doan
Well, that's all for now. Check back later for a recap of the awards ceremony, including how bad my predictions turned out to be, when it's revealed that Sidney Crosby will actually win every single award. Even the ones he's not nominated for!
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
So that Holland guy is coming back
Yep. Ken Holland's back. So is Jim Nill.
This isn't really a shock or surprising news to anyone, and it shouldn't be. I mean, Holland's been with the team FOREVER, and has been GM for 13 years. The team's winning and it's making money. Why *wouldn't* those guys be coming back?
It's really kind of amazing how well Holland's done in his role as general manager. Four Stanley Cups, countless banners, and the most successful hockey franchise of the last 25 years...not bad for a former NHL goalie who never won a single game.
But is this *cool* news or not? I would say yes, but I am not the cool authority, but I know who is. My amigo, Franzie. Hey Franzie, what do you think?
EYYYYYYY~
This isn't really a shock or surprising news to anyone, and it shouldn't be. I mean, Holland's been with the team FOREVER, and has been GM for 13 years. The team's winning and it's making money. Why *wouldn't* those guys be coming back?
It's really kind of amazing how well Holland's done in his role as general manager. Four Stanley Cups, countless banners, and the most successful hockey franchise of the last 25 years...not bad for a former NHL goalie who never won a single game.
But is this *cool* news or not? I would say yes, but I am not the cool authority, but I know who is. My amigo, Franzie. Hey Franzie, what do you think?
EYYYYYYY~
Haha. Alright! Franzie likes it.
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