"Consistency" - History Will Be Made

Playoff season is in full swing (as if your elevated blood pressure, missing clumps of hair, and crying relatives didn't already give this away already), and so is the NHL's "History Will Be Made" promotion. Compared to last year's theme of "what if...", this year's "History" theme has to do with various things History does - like....erases history. That makes sense.

Anyway, since the NHL has not seen fit to create a spot featuring the Red Wings (at least not in a winning or even positive light anyway), we here at Beards of War took to...my laptop and whipped up a quick spot for funsies and why nots. So if you will, enjoy our "not too terrible" tribute to consistency.

Mike Modano - What REALLY Happened

As everyone knows by now, Mike Modano has signed with his hometown Detroit Red Wings for one final run at hockey's ultimate prize. After 20 years with the same organization that drafted him and helped him become the amazing player he was, he was shown the door. A bit of a dick move just because he's 40, but if you think about it, playing with the Dallas Stars last year, he scored 14 goals in 30 points in 59 games. That's slightly better than a point every two games. Not bad for a guy his age, I'd say.

America's all-time leading scorer may be 40 years old, but he's coming now to the Detroit bloody Red Wings to play center between Dan Cleary and the returning Jiri Hudler. If Mike can play 70 games, it would be stupid to think he couldn't get 40 or more points, maybe even 50. I mean, Jiri Hudler had 57 points his last season here. And HE bangs hookers!

His signing with Detroit was a point of contention with some Red Wings fans, but I think we can all agree now that the team will Willa Ford's boobs Willa Ford's ass Willa Ford's boobs Willa Ford's ass.

But what about what happened with Minnesota and San Jose? After Modano announced it was either "Detroit or retirement", the Sharks and Wild reportedly approached him about signing. The Sharks were in a warm climate and were in prime position for Mo to take one final run at a second round playoff exit.

The Wild wanted him for novelty purposes only. If Mo wanted to go back to the state where he started his pro career, it would be in Minnesota. Of course, Mo would be golfing by the second week of April, but OMG NOSTALGIA RITE?!

And then we later found out that there was no real contact between those teams and Modano before he made his ultimate decision with the Red Wings, right? Well, that, my friends, is a half-truth. Beards of War has obtained this exclusive footage of how Mike Modano ended up selecting to join the Detroit Red Wings for a run at number 12:




'atta boy, Mo. 'atta boy.

Turco is Heartbreak: A CHIdenfreude Addendum

Those of you that know me know that my goalie mancrush is Marty Turco. It's hard to explain, really. For years, he was my favorite goaltender not in the Detroit system. I guess it was the way he played the puck, or maybe it's the fact that he attended the University of Michigan (GO BLUE). He's just an all-around smart goaltender. Or maybe it's because he's SO DREAMY....okay, maybe not.

I was pretty damn giddy when my college roommate informed me his dad knew several Dallas Stars personally, INCLUDING one Marty Turco. For Christmas, I received a personal autographed photo from the man himself, as you can see right there. To this day, I have it on my entertainment center, overlooking me as I type this out.

And since he was in Dallas, it meant I could cheer for him. I mean, they had Mike Modano too, and he's a Michigan guy...plus, his wife his hot. They weren't in the division, they weren't necessarily a heated rival, and they weren't Chicago. But that all changed this morning...

...Marty Turco broke my heart by signing with...the Blackhawks.

And that picture, I can't look at without becoming depressed. As a Marty Turco fan AND a Red Wings fan, this is very conflicting. On one hand, I really want Marty to succeed. On the other hand, he's in fucking CHICAGO. On one hand, he's 35 years old and doesn't have a lot of time left to win a Stanley Cup, which I would love desperately for him to do. ...on the other hand, he's in fucking CHICAGO, where the only run they're poised to make is the one where they narrowly avoid being a lottery team.

And yes, I know all about his terrible record against Detroit. And I do love that Chicago will undoubtedly suck against the Red Wings this year (and the rest of the league in general), but I don't love the fact that it comes at the expense of one of my favorite players in the game stuck behind enemy lines.

It sucks.

WHY couldn't he have taken the Philadelphia offer? They're not even in our conference. At least I don't outright despise the Flyers. AND they didn't lose a good number of their important players. But no. He had to go to Chicago.

Marty. You offered me 'best wishes.' These are my worst wishes; one of my most favorite players on one of my least favorite teams. I can't offer my best wishes for you to win, and I can't hope you lose every game you're in. I can't do anything. I'm conflicted.

In any event, I'll just let this digital short do the talking for me. It's much more amusing than my morose Droopyesque lamenting, plus it's dripping with CHIdenfreude. Enjoy!

History Will Be Made - An Effortless "Repost"

Since it's July, there's not a lot going on hockeywise. You may have notice with the big, long break I've unexpectedly taken from blogging. It's really kind of a pain in the ass when you want to write but have nothing to write about. So in an effort to make myself look busy, I've decided to just post a bunch of YouTube videos I did before the birth of Beards of War.

Remember the "History Will Be Made" promos put out by the NHL last season? Awesome, weren't they? Gamebreaking moments, gamebreaking players. Moments that go down in NHL history, mostly for the good. But in addition to the ones put out by the NHL, there were also some brilliant fan creations...and some bad fan creations. Ones that pushed the boundaries of actual legendary moments and descended mostly into obvious fanboyism.

And then there were guys like me; the assholes. So without further a-doo-doo, I present..."Beards of War's History WON'T Be Made"!


#1: Martin Havlat




Heh. Remember this hit from two years ago? Oh man. The check heard 'round the world....or at least through the 300 or so miles from Detroit to the other side of Lake Michigan. The Hawks fans cried foul, and the refs bought it and Kronwall was given the rest of the night off, which was bullcrap. Despite its punishing nature, this was a clean hit.




^ see? Clean. Keep your head up, kids!

STUPID COMMENT:



Okay. First of all, if you think "History Will Be Made" applies only to the current season, you're an idiot. Secondly, a career backup explodes in the playoffs and gets his team within two games of the Stanley Cup, and not only that, has better stats than the goalie that ends up winning...but you say he's "third string" and "worse than junior goalies"? Seriously, kid? I'm all for smack talk, but that's just stupid. Don't forget, your stupid team drafted the son of a bitch. Niemi's never played in the playoffs, and you don't hesitate to call him a legend. Chicago fans are fucking idiots.


#2: Bryan McCabe



Okay...this one is actually my least favorite, mostly because I couldn't find the right kind of video...but I tried, dammit! The others I could've picked from had terrible quality or were letterboxed into oblivion.

I HAD to make this one though, because I had to razz the Leafs fans. Bryan McCabe. I can't believe how much you paid this guy to score own goals. That's tragic.

No stupid comments on this one.


#3: The Fonz



Yeah yeah, I know. The Fonz never played in the NHL. But he could have if he wanted to. Then again, distancewise, the closest team he could play for would've been the Hawks...and The Fonz doesn't associate with losers.

Except Potsie.

Anyway, the main reason I made this one was to sort of break the monotony...why NOT do it for something other than hockey? What IF The Fonz weren't so cool? Would he have fallen into the shark tank? No. Probably not. Probably because no one would've towed him on a rope. They'd have been like "Why are you wearing a leather jacket while water skiing? What are you, some kind of smart guy?"

Also, if you didn't know, this one was put in a Puck Daddy post (which explained the sudden jump in views from like, 6 to 2,500 in one night). Hooray!

No stupid comments. There's only one, and it's nice.


#4: "Babydick" Sidney Crosby



Oh my GOD, this one sent the Pens fans out in droves. They weren't very happy at me for this one. Then again, they're all complete idiots so it's not like I care. Another gem from the 2009 finals, Wings fans will remember Johan Franzen with a fairly weak check that sent Sidney Crosby gasping and crying and whining to the bench for the remainder of the game (which, by the way, didn't stop him from running out and military pressing the Cup and skating around like Baryshnikov's gay sister).

Pens fans were quick to remind me that the Penguins did end up winning the Stanley Cup. I acknowledge this sad fact of history, but it still doesn't change the fact that through the final series, Sidney Crosby was a no-show and did absolutely nothing to contribute to his team. For Christ's sake, Justin Abdelkader had more goals than he did, and he's a fourth-liner.

Not to mention in general, he's a gigantic vagina, whiner, diver, and horrible example of a captain in the National Hockey League.

Let's face it. None of the Penguins players stood out in the final series. You could probably say the same about Detroit's players. The fact it went 7 games shows it was a defensive struggle both ways. But the numbers don't lie; Crosby sucked. The Penguins fans will not acknowledge this, and instead only respond with "HUR CROSBY'S ON THE CUP" as if this is the ultimate trump card to any hockey argument. Jay Pandolfo's on three Cups, dude. Does this mean he's thrice the player Crosby is? And I'll remind you guys like Maltby, Draper, and McCarty? Lidstrom? Holmstrom? Yeah, they've got four. Does this mean they're four times the player Crosby is?

Hint: Yes.

Pens fans represent the lowest of the low in terms of hockey intelligence. Blindly following the team only since it started winning, refusing to budge on any notion that their players are infallible. They're absolutely useless in any hockey conversation that precedes the year 2007 (just like Hawks fans), or in any conversation that isn't "how great Sidney Crosby is." They serve as a warning against drinking while pregnant, and should always wear helmets in public so we know who they are (assuming we're deaf and can't hear the incessant YEA CROSBY YEAAA cheers emanating from them at any given second).

Stupid comments for this one are great and many, so I'll have a hard time picking a couple out to make fun of.



I can't read this. I'm trying, and I just can't understand it. These kids should be paying more attention in school instead of trying to argue on the internet. As for the last point, I don't know if consecutive 2-1 losses and a 7 game series is a "choke." Then again, this kid is obviously a moron and thinks any series loss = choke. Sorry. Not so.



Here's a twofer! The first guy does have a point; none of us have played professional hockey at the NHL level. But we have watched it. For years - and so we do know what it's like. We've seen guys take brutal hits, pucks to the face, sticks to the face, bad checks, etc etc, and get back up and play on. Remember Eric Belanger? Dude takes stick to the face, pulls out teeth on bench, doesn't miss a check. Or Duncan Keith? Dude takes a puck to the MOUTH...goes back, gets stitched up, and plays on. Sidney Crosby takes a clean check from the side and decides he can't play anymore.

The second guy was the stupidest comment on the video. He's right though; if only I was as big and strong and tough as Sidney Crosby. If only I had the ability to crosscheck guys from the back...or punch dudes in the nuts to win fights. See, that's my problem; I only fight from the front. Though I can't skate, I'm more than certain I wouldn't need to quit the game after taking a check. I'm a big, strong guy. Sidney Crosby? Not so much.

I'm taller than him too.

....God, is it October yet?

The (Hilarious) Implosion of the 2010 Stanley Cup Champs

When the Chicago Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup, it was a dark day for humanity. But when we realized that their horrendous contracts would soon catch up to them, it got a little better.

But what we didn't know was just how bad it would be for them...and how hilarious it would be for us.

So many of their regular season and playoff heroes have been traded off for peanuts, and while Blackhawks fans seem so quick to dismiss these players as worthless (when just two months ago they were GODS AMONG MEN...typical bandwagon response), we all know what they meant to the team.

What's also hilarious is watching these hockey n00bz get angry without having any real understanding of how the salary cap works or the sheer idiocy of their own front office.

Ah, bandwagoners....

Beards of War has produced this short film attempting to detail just how much of the team has been sold off in order to pave the way for more mediocre players with smaller salaries.

Man, that salary cap's a BITCH, ain't it?

Nicolas Cage visits the 2010 World Cup

A lack of puck sure is boring, so in order to keep our minds off it, here's an arbitrary video we have of film star Nicolas Cage visiting the World Cup down in South Africa! Watch out for them vuvuzelas, Nic.

Is Patrick Kane 12 years old?

For almost a week now, good and decent hockey fans everywhere have been wondering to themselves (and the rest of the internet) just how the Chicago Blackhawks managed to win the Stanley Cup. I mean, in the "good and decent God" sense; as in, "what sort of loving creator would allow such a terrible 'fanbase', a fanbase made almost entirely of bandwagoners, fairweather fans and Vince Vaughn, a fanbase that constantly and consistently flies the middle finger and other smaller, less impressive and more useless appendages in the face of the Hockey Gods, what sort of deity would allow that base to host the Stanley Cup?"

As I stated somewhere else, the Hockey Gods were either dead or asleep last season. That fucking mural still pisses me off. The fanbase is awful, but that damned mural...and their star player is a total dudebro.

Good ol' Patrick Kane. Hangin' out shirtless in limos. Drinking lots of cristal and champagne on ice and beer like it's the cool thing to do, and not merely a way to help forget the shame and total failure your life has become.

Think about it though. General disrespect for the working man? Bad hairstyles? Youthful appearance? Walking around with no shirt on? Chugging a couple beers? PEACH FUZZ? It all means one thing - Patrick Kane is 12 years old.

It's not as crazy as you think. We tracked down this interview taken on an off-day during the Cup finals. Listen to that voice. Is it true? Could Patrick Kane really be pulling one over on the whole NHL? Is this like one of those shitty Disney movies where some prepubescent pimply-face fuckstick plays in the major league through some contractual loophole or through a disguise that NO ONE IN A BILLION-DOLLAR CORPORATION SEEMS TO NOTICE? "Rookie of the Year"? God, what a shitty movie.

I digress. You be the judge.



The other option is that Patrick Kane is a eunuch, which...well, you look at that mullet and tell me "maybe" isn't an option.

Video: Crosby/Bettman in inflammatory propaganda?

Many of you have probably seen the video making the Internet rounds of Ugandan pastor Martin Ssemba's ridiculous slideshow denouncing the private activities of homosexuals.

We at Beards of War have uncovered what appears to be a discarded version of the above video, using footage of NHL postergirl Sidney Crosby and his/her daddy Gary B. Bettman. Parental discretion is advised:




DISCLAIMER: Neither Whoabot or "Gears of War" condone prejudice,hatred, or witch-hunting against any group, regardless of race, gender, mental capability or sexual orientation. Only hockey fandom affiliation.