Huet to Europe is Total Fucking Bullshit, and so are the NHL's Recent Cap Related Shenanigans

HEY. You know what's a circumvention of a salary cap? Paying an elite-caliber player an exorbitant amount of money that eventually trickles down to peanuts by the time he hits age 44 (with a $6 million cap hit all the while).

You know what's NOT a circumvention of the salary cap? Paying a mediocre-caliber aging goalie an exorbitant amount of money, deciding he isn't worth it (though he's still capable of actually playing), knowing you can't afford "better players" if he stays on your payroll, so you dump him on some stupid Swiss team.

No, that's not a fucking circumvention at all.

"Oh shit, if we have this guy on our payroll, we'll actually have to PAY him the fucking money we INTENDED to when we signed him to this horseshit contract!"

"But MY GOD, if we buy him out, we're going to have to face a $1.875 million cap hit for two more years!"

"HOW THE FUCK CAN WE GET OUT OF THIS ONE!? I KNOW, LET'S FUCKING DUMP HIM IN SWITZERLAND! MWAHAHAHA."

Seriously?

It's getting around obligations that you made for the simple reason of "we don't want to pay you that much money, even though that's what we signed you to because we're stupid." Whoops. You got yourself in a jam of your own volition now you're trying to save your ass by dumping a perfectly able body on someone else.

As for Kovalchuk, I agree his contract was circumvention, but should've stood for two reasons: one is that the NHL allowed similar contracts through (though not as egregious), therefore setting a precedent that circumvention was more or less OK, depending on what team you are (coughChicago)

Number two was the arbiter's declaration (and assumption) that it was rare/impossible for him to play that long.

It's not impossible. He's in pretty good shape and not really injury prone. Playing that long is rare, yes, but your judgment can't be based on an assumption. There's no proof he can't play until he's 44 or even 50.

Seriously, what makes one think that Ilya Kovalchuk can't play til he's 44, but that Marian Hossa can play until age 43? Nearly $8 million a season for 7 more seasons, then a $4 million season, then four $1 million seasons? So if Kovalchuk's contract ended at age 43, it'd be OK? Where's the line?

Typical NHL. Picking and choosing, just like with discipline. If Kovalchuk was attempting to re-sign with a team like Pittsburgh or Chicago (hey, there's a team I haven't mentioned in this post at all yet), you could guarantee he could be offered a 50-year contract with ten straight $10 million seasons (but with a $1 million cap hit) and the NHL would be full of patronizing prasie of "EXCELLENT CAP MANAGEMENT GUYZ LOLOL".

Some teams are more equal than others.

Turco is Heartbreak: A CHIdenfreude Addendum

Those of you that know me know that my goalie mancrush is Marty Turco. It's hard to explain, really. For years, he was my favorite goaltender not in the Detroit system. I guess it was the way he played the puck, or maybe it's the fact that he attended the University of Michigan (GO BLUE). He's just an all-around smart goaltender. Or maybe it's because he's SO DREAMY....okay, maybe not.

I was pretty damn giddy when my college roommate informed me his dad knew several Dallas Stars personally, INCLUDING one Marty Turco. For Christmas, I received a personal autographed photo from the man himself, as you can see right there. To this day, I have it on my entertainment center, overlooking me as I type this out.

And since he was in Dallas, it meant I could cheer for him. I mean, they had Mike Modano too, and he's a Michigan guy...plus, his wife his hot. They weren't in the division, they weren't necessarily a heated rival, and they weren't Chicago. But that all changed this morning...

...Marty Turco broke my heart by signing with...the Blackhawks.

And that picture, I can't look at without becoming depressed. As a Marty Turco fan AND a Red Wings fan, this is very conflicting. On one hand, I really want Marty to succeed. On the other hand, he's in fucking CHICAGO. On one hand, he's 35 years old and doesn't have a lot of time left to win a Stanley Cup, which I would love desperately for him to do. ...on the other hand, he's in fucking CHICAGO, where the only run they're poised to make is the one where they narrowly avoid being a lottery team.

And yes, I know all about his terrible record against Detroit. And I do love that Chicago will undoubtedly suck against the Red Wings this year (and the rest of the league in general), but I don't love the fact that it comes at the expense of one of my favorite players in the game stuck behind enemy lines.

It sucks.

WHY couldn't he have taken the Philadelphia offer? They're not even in our conference. At least I don't outright despise the Flyers. AND they didn't lose a good number of their important players. But no. He had to go to Chicago.

Marty. You offered me 'best wishes.' These are my worst wishes; one of my most favorite players on one of my least favorite teams. I can't offer my best wishes for you to win, and I can't hope you lose every game you're in. I can't do anything. I'm conflicted.

In any event, I'll just let this digital short do the talking for me. It's much more amusing than my morose Droopyesque lamenting, plus it's dripping with CHIdenfreude. Enjoy!

Beards of War reacts to Chicago's Adventures in a Salary Cap World

The Blackhawks recently decided to match San Jose's offer sheet to RFA Niklas Hjalmarsson. Chicago, the team whose cap situation, if were realized visually would look not unlike flaming Vietnamese orphans, decided to resign a 6th defenseman for 3 and a half million dollars over 4 years.

This leaves the team with roughly $100,000 in cap space with which to sign 7-8 more players to have a minimum roster.

The league minimum's about $500,000. And of those 7-8, one is Antti Niemi.

$100,000.

And now, our reaction:

AAAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAAA HAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAA

AHAHAHAHAHAHA. HA. HA. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AHAAHA

AHAHAHAHAH. AH. AH. okay.

done.

....

....


....AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

......AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHA

...AAAAAAAHAHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.......

Not enough H's and A's. So I'll let Tom Hanks finish it.



Way to go, Stan Bowman. Way to go.

The (Hilarious) Implosion of the 2010 Stanley Cup Champs

When the Chicago Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup, it was a dark day for humanity. But when we realized that their horrendous contracts would soon catch up to them, it got a little better.

But what we didn't know was just how bad it would be for them...and how hilarious it would be for us.

So many of their regular season and playoff heroes have been traded off for peanuts, and while Blackhawks fans seem so quick to dismiss these players as worthless (when just two months ago they were GODS AMONG MEN...typical bandwagon response), we all know what they meant to the team.

What's also hilarious is watching these hockey n00bz get angry without having any real understanding of how the salary cap works or the sheer idiocy of their own front office.

Ah, bandwagoners....

Beards of War has produced this short film attempting to detail just how much of the team has been sold off in order to pave the way for more mediocre players with smaller salaries.

Man, that salary cap's a BITCH, ain't it?