What Next, Gary?

(For the latest on this ridiculously asinine story, go here)

What next, Gary? Gonna ban “Don’t Stop Believing” from being played because the crowd shouting a particular lyric might be distracting to the commentators?

Gonna ban beer at the game because some people might have too much and start a ruckus?

Hey, how about banning skate blades because they might cut someone!

Ban “___ sucks” chants because children might hear them and/or someone’s feelings might get hurt!

Our tradition is ours. Not a soul in the city had a problem with it - not even the police - until recently, and we all know who is to blame.

Throwing the octopus is older than you, Gar. Stop masquerading your hatred of our hockey team and its die-hard fans in the guise of “safety first”. No one who threw red handkerchiefs at the last Chicago game got fined, did they? How about the guys who threw catfish on the ice in Nashville?

No. Only Detroit.

And not just a fine, but a blemish on one’s record too? That’s low.

But it’s understandable. New fans wouldn’t *get* tradition - and that’s all the NHL cares to cater to.

(And CHRIST, aren’t there other things in Detroit that the courts would be better used for? Just ask fans of the Pens and Hawks!)

The Dallas Stars: Why They're Worse Than Glenn Beck

(Note: I'd been working on this ages ago, and just finished it. It's old stale news by now, but I finished it for my roommate, who wanted to see it done....eventually)

No doubt by now, you've read or at least heard of Yahoo Sports being integrated with something called "Associated Content." For those not in the know, I'll break it down like this. Associated Content is a lot like Fox News. Sure, it's in the "news" section, and at first it looked like informative articles by someone in the know, but when you actually come to read it and see what the person has to say, you'll soon realize it's nothing but the biggest load of shit you've ever read in your life, and you wonder if the article you've just read is going to give you tumors all over your body or make you as incredibly stupid as the author.

What riled up a bunch of Red Wings fans was an article by "freelance writer" Sherri Thornhill (A Dallas Stars fan) entitled "The Detroit Red Wings: Why I hate this obnoxious hockey team."

The article is chock full of the most dead-on observations one can find about the Red Wings, such as that players like Nicklas Lidstrom "lack class", are "arrogant" and "suck ass." Sherri's got our boys nailed when she says the Wings "prance on and off the ice", and play "boring hockey."

But the pinnacle of this piece of journalistic mastery is when Sherri says Red Wings fans are, and I quote: "...some of the least knowledgeable, obnoxious, arrogant group of wannabe hockey fans I've ever had the displeasure of meeting" and that we "are more interested in getting drunk at the games than to actually watch the game."

Wow. I mean, just wow. She's right though, all of the Red Wings fans I know are incredibly stupid when it comes to hockey. We can't even name half of our team! We sure as hell couldn't name half the guys on our AHL team. Jesus, do we even know what icing is? Doesn't that shit go on a cake?

But in all serious, Sherri Thornhill, if everything's bigger in Texas, does that account for your amount of balls and/or sheer idiocy? If by freelance writer, do you mean "hate-filled bitch without an ounce of integrity and the world's biggest chip on her shoulder"? I'm not sure who pissed in your Corn Flakes that morning, but I guarantee it wasn't a Red Wings fan. We respect cereals, because Corn Flakes are produced in the great state of Michigan.

Can I ask where you got your research? Can I ask what constitutes 'exciting hockey'? Is playing defensively-sound hockey 'boring'?

Is 'exciting hockey' defined by ONLY big hits and porous defensive play? Is that only in Dallas? Then it's no wonder your team's missed the playoffs the last couple seasons.

"Arrogance in breathing"? Wait, you mean literally? Oh man, I'm such a pompous asshole because my organs need oxygen to function.

Seriously, do people call them the "Dead Wings" still? You ARE aware that was a term used when the team was mired in failure during the 70s and 80s right? You're aware the team had made the playoffs for nearly 20 straight seasons and in 25 of the last 27 seasons, right? What exactly makes them "Dead"? Is it the fact they're too old? That's gotta be it. That's why they're "Dead", it's because they're too old! ...just like they have been for the past 15 years. And despite their ridiculous ages (Nicklas Lidstrom is 75 years old), they still continue to win. Explain that to me, because me a stupid fan. Me no know what a puck is. Y dat man wear a visor? Why don't they do dis sport on pavement wif rolla skatez? Does a puck to the face feel good? TELL ME SHERRI, I'M A MORON.

Detroit's won 4 Cups since 1955...and 4 since 1997! Which is it, guys? If only they could be legitimate contenders like the Stars AND win as many Cups as them! Th-...oh. Yeah, about that...

I would swear this bitch is trolling if it weren't so obvious.

So, in the spirit of Sherri's journalistic integrity, Beards of War is proud to present a totally non-opinion piece on my ...uh, fact-finding journey into things that are totally and completely true about the Dallas Stars. It's called "The Dallas Stars: Why They're Worse Than Glenn Beck." If I'm lucky (and by lucky, I mean if I sign up and pretend I'm a legitimate writer and not a total hackjob), Yahoo will publish it in Associated Content!

1. The Dallas Stars practically GAVE us Mike Modano - Seriously, here you have a guy who was drafted back in the late 80s, is the team leader in almost EVERY category (especially since the team moved from Minnesota to fuckin' Texas in the 90s), was the face of the team, is the all-time American scoring leader and a sure-fire hall-of-famer....and you let him go. Seriously, Sherri, that's totally our bad. We went to Joe Nieuwendyk and we were all "Hey, don't resign your legend. Don't resign the guy who grew hockey in Texas." After all, you needed the space for *BRANDON SEGAL*. Who? Yeah, who indeed.

Oh wait, that never happened. Nope. Mo was shown the door. Nothing more than a "see ya" and a "thanks for the memories" as he was cast off into free agency, only to be scooped up by his REAL hometown and given one last run toward glory. Yeah, that was totally our bad. How dare we?

God, we're assholes.

2. The Dallas Stars practically gave Marty Turco to Chicago - No, seriously, I'm still pissed off about that. Even though he played for Dallas, Marty Turco was still my favorite goalie. And then YOU let him go too. Another franchise leader, boom, out the door to go to a team that had their shit decimated by the salary cap. A team that ALSO has no chance to win the Stanley Cup. Turco went from Barbecue Country to Barbecued Country (get it? Cuz Chicago was decimated by that fire those many years ago? LOLOLOL stupid).

3. Dallas fans don't think Paul Bissonnette is funny - Unthinkable! No, seriously, they don't. They think his Twitter feed is a load of bullshit and painfully unfunny. They wonder what all the fuss is about. They find him "completely unprofessional" and they believe that nothing he says has any merit or comedic value because of "his poor grammar and spelling", which is TOTALLY ironic since they live in Texas. They believe he's nothing more than an insensitive illiterate who deserves our scorn and protection rather than laughter and t-shirt money. Dallas fans also hate the homeless and love PT Cruisers. Boom.

4. The Dallas Stars are the reason you didn't get that promotion - Yeah, you know, you work all day in a dead-end job makin' 7 bucks an hour, sweating and bleeding for the man. You tote that barge, lift that bale. It's a bleak outlook. But there's a light at the end of a tunnel; granted, it's a pinhole's width wide, but dammit it's there. You think "man, if I can just show my work ethic, the boss'll take notice and promote me the hell out of here and I'll have a nice cushy desk job. And I'll keep working my way up and eventually, I'll own the company!" Yeah well, it ain't happening. Know why? The Dallas Stars. It just so happens that Steve Ott told your boss that you're a raging homo and you were making advances toward all the rest of the male staff. He said you even tried to shove the water cooler up your ass. So not only did you NOT get that promotion, you were put on unpaid vacation in order to "sort your life out" and "get help." Next thing you know, your wife is leaving you because "you can't deal with your feelings", and she's taking the kids. You know who you have to blame for that? The Dallas Stars. Jeff Woywitka thinks you're a fruitcake too, which is weird, because he doesn't even know you. Nobody really knows who he is either.

Also, your company was also owned by the Dallas Stars, too, somehow. That's why they wanted you to seek psychiatric help for being gay. I mean, who does that? That's hateful.

5. Dallas Stars fans try to hit your children on the sidewalks with their Range Rovers - It's true. We've all seen it. You're walking down the street with your little son or daughter - it's a nice day, not a cloud in the sky. Or maybe you're watching out your window as your little child sells lemonade for 5 cents a cup. You know you're losing money, but you don't care because it's cute. They even got the backwards "e" at the end of the word "lemonade." They even spelled "lemonade" with a "6" in there too, somehow. Maybe your kid's a little slow in the head, I dunno, but whatever, it's still cute. Then all of a sudden, some jacknut driving a Range Rover comes driving down your street at like, 80 MPH. It's all decked out in Stars logos and stickers of Steve Yzerman getting kicked in the face. It has a bumper sticker that says "My other car is a purple PT Cruiser with flames on it". The license plate says "DETSUX" or "1CUP99" or "TOMHICKS" or "DEFAULT". ..."ASSMILK." The driver's up on the curb, talking on their cellphone about how much Detroit sucks an how everyone's bed has a chalk line around it. They smash the shoddy handywork your child was using to hock beverages, leaving nothing but a pile of mulch. Driving away from the scene, the driver sticks their head out the window, displaying their tremendous bald spot (which is very uncommon for a 28-year old woman, but hey, she's a Stars fan) and pockmarked face and shouts "HAHA I KNOCKED OVER YOUR GAY LITTLE STAND. DETROIT SUCKS", which is kind of weird, considering you live in New York. And all Dallas Stars fans do that. All of them.

6. Andrew Raycroft - Nuff said.

7. Dallas Stars' female writers look like dudes - Oh man. You ever see a chick writer who covers the Stars? Not just the professional ones, but the freelance ones too. Holy shit, take a look at those broads. You think my beard is awesome? Look at those bitches. Everyone one of 'em is Al Borland with a vagina. Especially this chick, Sherri Thornhill? Oh my god, dude. WOOF. ARF ARF. BOW WOW. Get this bitch a Milk-Bone. Talk about getting beat about the face with the ugly stick. Except in her case, she looks more like she fell down ten flights of ugly stairs, landed face-first on the ugly nail, got the ugly tetanus shot, walked outside only to be blasted in the face with the ugly flamethrower, got ugly skin-graft surgery with ugly skin, then got kicked in the face with the ugly horseshoe from an ugly horse named Ugly Ugly. Seriously, she does look like she got kicked in the face though. And she has a penis. An ugly penis. With one ball. And enough ugly pubic hair to choke an ugly elephant.

And finally, the last item on our list...

8. Dallas Stars fans eat babies - Their dirtiest secret revealed. In between sessions of pretending fans of any Texas sport are loyal, Stars fans go out, find babies, barbecue them, and eat them. They even eat the diapers. They consider it and its contents as a side dish. And why not? They and their team have been eating shit for years. Seriously, though. Babies. You'd think in a state where beef is king, they'd eat more beef...but no. Babies. Barbecued children. Now you know why they're always trying to run your kids over with those damn Range Rovers. Granted, it's not the cleanest way of taking out your target, but...I mean, I guess people do take home and clean deer that they hit with THEIR car. Except usually, hitting deer is an accident.

The end. Thanks for reading this expose put together by the Beards of War crew. We find it's necessary to counter the outrageous, ridiculous, baseless and hurtful claims of a so-called "writer" with totally true, not made-up, well thought-out, no BS, non-slanderous, non-biased arguments.

HEY WISNIEWSKI, THERE ARE CHILDREN WATCHING.

Oh hey, remember yesterday during the Rangers/Islanders game when James Wisniewski made a "colorful" gesture to noted douchebag and fashionista Sean Avery? Here it is, in case you live under a cock- er...I mean, a rock.

Ohoho. Wiz, you character. That's not how you eat a push pop! You gotta push it from the bottom. You get more fruity goodness that way. Or maybe he's trying to show Avery how to properly use a Shake Weight. I mean, shit, that thing shreds your forearms. Makes you huge. No, you know what it is? Wiz was doing Santa Claus karaoke. HO HO HO~ HO HO HO. I mean, Sean Avery IS an elf, right? Right?

All kidding aside, the NHL has set the precedent this season that they will crack down on shenanigans. Evil shenanigans, like what Wiz did above. That evil shit will get you benched for two games. However, they're still going to be a little light on "fun" shenanigans. Y'know. Like in the video below:

Boys will be boys! Those kinds of cute things...oh, hockey players. See, that gets a two game suspension as well. So seriously, we must ask ourselves, deep down, we must know..."what the FUCK?!"

I just think it's terrible we're fans of a sport whose main officiating body sees the two events shown above as being equal in terms of discipline. I mean, how do we explain that to our children? How do we explain the motion Wiz was making? I mean, Jesus, when I watch a fucking hockey game with my hypothetical children, when we see someone get flattened by a dirty hit and lay on the ice for minutes while they bleed and lose teeth, we all cheer that as part of the game. That's totally okay. But when I see someone give Sean Avery the business with a dirty gesture, that just tears my fake family apart. The kids cry. The dog barks. The cat pukes. I yell at my wife. She screams at me with her super-high shrill bitch voice. She makes fun of my penis. I tell her her vagina looks like Andre the Giant's armpit. She threatens me with a restraining order and she takes my fake kids out to fake Illinois to live with her fake parents while she "sorts her fake life out." I eventually fall into despair and lose all my money gambling on termite races in a back alley and am forced to support my habit by performing unspeakable acts on traveling salesmen - JUST AS LONG AS I DON'T MIME IT, GOD FORBID.

Look, I get that there are kids watching. I also get that there are adults and parents watching. The NHL is not your fucking babysitter. It's not up to them to explain every little thing to your child; every little questionable thing that MAY show up, every gesture, every word, every hit. It's up to you as a parent to explain and guide and protect your own children. Unless you're a brand new fan or a bandwagoner, you know exactly what to expect when you watch a hockey game, ESPECIALLY when it's between two old rivals. You expect fights, violence, and a bit of unsportsmanlike conduct. It's hockey for Christ's sake. If you sit down with your kids to watch a game, YOU have to be the parent. If you don't feel up to the challenge, either a.) don't be a parent, or b.) change the channel.

Think about this; which would you rather have your child "re-enacting"? Mimicking a blowjob? Or would you rather have them running kids from behind and breaking their foreheads open? Jesus, I can't even believe Wiz's gesture was somehow "more offensive" or "more detrimental" than Nick Boynton's throat slash. Oh well. Welcome to America, where the mere prospect of sexual activity is far more dangerous than actually hurting a guy. Can you imagine if Wiz had flashed his sack or mimed cupping the balls during his gesture? Oh man.

Let it be known, I'm not a Wisniewski fan. He's a bit of a shitbag, and I was of this opinion long before yesterday. Let it also be known I hate Chicago (if you've never read BoW before....by the way, I use bad language too. Hide your kids). If you think Wiz should've been suspended, but not Hjalmarsson, you're insane. And weird. And I don't like you. Seriously, where are your priorities? I mean personally, not thinking about the NHL. But if you think both guys should've been suspended, that's fine. I personally am of the opinion that at most, Wiz should've gotten a 10-minute misconduct. But that's just me. I'm not a new hockey fan. I know what to expect.

However, Hjalmarsson ran a guy from behind. That causes injuries. That causes careers to be put in jeopardy. Marc Savard? Anyone? Oh yeah. Matt Cooke didn't get punished for that. Probably because he didn't shout "PENIS!" as he crushed Savard's brain in.

But Christ, you guys. If Hjalmarsson and Wisniewski are both going to be suspended, you've got to suspend Hjalmarsson for longer. I thought the league was trying to stop that shit. 5 games. 7 games. 10 games. But TWO? Laughable disciplinary practices. Feels like older fans are being alienated for the new baby fans. Y'know. Bandwagoners. Most hockey fans aren't going to be offended by a hummer gesture as much as they're going to be offended by watching a star player get taken out by a dirty hit.

The last thing I will say: I don't give one single piece of hairy dog shit if Hjalmarsson isn't a repeat offender. That doesn't change what he did. I don't care if he "didn't mean to do it." I also "didn't mean to" knock part of my roommate's hookah off the kitchen counter. But does that fix it? No. It's still fucking broken. And so is Pominville's face. And so is the NHL's disciplinary system.

On Classless Fans

You know what, just once, in a hockey discussion, I'd love for someone NOT to bring up Michigan's economy as a tool for insult. That's low, not to mention we can't really help it.

You'll see it everywhere online, and sometimes even in person - go to any message board where Wings hate is the standard, and you will inevitably see some idiot spewing his crap about how no Wings fans have jobs or all of the buildings in Detroit are burned out and full of crack dealers.

First of all, this has nothing to do with hockey, and it's a total cheap shot. It'd be like going to see the new Wall Street movie as a film critic, and in your review, you say the movie sucks because Michael Douglas has cancer.

Secondly, do I *need* to mention Cabrini-Green?

Unfortunately, these idiots that say this stuff have no ammo for the topic at hand. Pittsburgh and Chicago hockey "fans" are notoriously dumb when it comes to hockey; that's why you'll only hear derisive name chants and "Detroit sucks" in addition to the shameful vitriol about Michigan's dire straits.

Fans of other teams have said it before, but it's nowhere near as concentrated and frequent as it is from the mouths and fingers of Kane lovers and Crosby lovers.

I'd hazard a guess that nearly everyone who reads this in Michigan knows someone who has lost a job or a business in the last 5 years. I do. Even if it's not in your immediate family, surely you know someone who was affected, especially if they worked in the automotive business. Honest, hard-working, blue collar people who could work forever are out of a job because of things like their division shutting down to cut costs for the business...or maybe they make too much money.

Is this something to be made fun of?

No one stops to think of what those families have to go through. Some are forced to go out and apply for every job under the sun - some they're not even really qualified for - and possibly have to take multiple jobs just to cover the basic costs of living.

Forced to move out of their homes because they can't afford it. Kids put in foster homes. Parents living in the streets. The buildings falling into disrepair.

Why is THIS where these morons have to go to try and get under our skin? As I said before, that's just low, and really should never be dignified with a reaction. For God's sake, it's hockey; it's ultimately a child's game. I'm all for smacktalk, but come on. If you've nothing relevant to say, then kindly shut the fuck up.

If you really want to bring up financial hardships and empty buildings, then I'll bring up how empty Mellon Arena was only 6 years ago, and how the Pens were almost moved. Or how about I bring up the emptiness of the United Center...even THREE years ago?

Of course, these won't hit that close to home; we're attacking the team, and not the fans. And we're attacking the hockey portion, not their actual lives outside of the sport. Granted, I don't have high hopes for fans of either of those teams, but I thought MAYBE...maybe you were better human beings than that.

Guess not.

Apparently, Empty Gestures Are Now More Dangerous Than Kneeing a Guy

So yesterday, pre-season hockey started. Hooray! But the Wings lost. Boo. 5-1. To the Crosbys. As if that weren't bad enough, noted douchebag Brooks "Future Child Rapist/Current General Douchebag" Orpik attempted to put Johan Franzen out for a long, long time with a dangerous knee-on-knee hit in the first period while his team led 3-0. Gutless? Yes, but we shouldn't expect anything else from a team with Sidney Crosby as its captain. When Todd Bertuzzi came to Franzen's defense, he got kicked out of the game as well (misconduct loolol). Of course, Orpik got a game misconduct as well, AND a five minute major...

...but does he get anything else in terms of supplemental discipline? After all, it was a dangerous, stupid, calculated hit that could've resulted in serious injury - especially on a player with a history with those sorts of problems (and a freshly repaired ACL).

Prediction: No. Because he's a Penguin. Never mind the fact that Franzen's out at least three more preseason games because of it. As per usual, the NHL is looking at the result rather than the action.

This is incredibly stupid. It's like saying, "Well, you shot this guy's mom in the face, but the bullet only went through her cheek instead of her brain, so we're not going to take action against you." A stupid reckless play is a stupid reckless play. And Brooks Orpik is a giant piece of crap. Not that cool white 70s dog poop - but a fresh steaming wet pile left by a fat guy in your living room after he spent the night eating cabbage and drinking rotten milk and Japanese rice wine.

During the Halfhawks/Yzermans match that night as well, Chicago "defense" "man" Nick Boynton attempted to catch TB forward Chris Durno with a knee-on-knee hit. Fortunately, Durno got right back up, but Blair Jones still kicked the shit out of Boynton for being a fuckbag. Take a looksee!

The hit occurs real early in the video (check the slo-mo version at around 0:48 as well), then we see Jones just pummel the living bejebus out of Boynton. Then, in typical Chicago fan fashion, starts talking even more shit and gives a throat-slash gesture (I prefer Chris Benoit's version myself) to Jones in the box, and backs it up by saying "you're fucking dead."

Haha, oh, typical Chicago. You get your ass beat and still talk shit. You jokers.

But here's where the story gets weird. Boynton got a one-game suspension. For that gesture. Not for the KNEE...but for making a motion to a guy who just kicked his ass.

Thank God. Thank God we don't have to deal with that beast. Going around making gestures, putting all of our children in danger with empty threats...the NHL really hit the nail on the head with this one. I can just imagine Gary Bettman sitting in his office, trying to put his little legs up on his desk...leaning back, and smoking a bubble pipe. He says "BOYS...we took a stand here today. We said that we, as a league, will tolerate dangerous injury-intending hits like Matt Cooke's, Doug Murray's, and Brooks Orpik's...but we will NOT stand idly by while maniacs like Nick Boynton flail their hands around at opponents from 15 away. THIS WILL NOT STAND."

And the chirping? Who chirps at opponents? What is this, hockey?!

Hear that, NHL? You guys can kill each other and cheap shot each other all you want, but by God, if you tell the guy beforehand, you are gonna get it from the Wheel of Discipline...maybe.

Ass.

I Got Your Back, Dan Ellis

(For a quick recap and probably the best-written and better-researched article on this shituation, click me.)

Hey, Dan Ellis. I got your back. I mean, you don't know who I am, and that's fine. All I'm saying is I totally get where you were coming from when you were talking about how much it sucks when your paycheck gets divvied up like, eight million ways.

I mean, I'm not a millionaire. Hell, my last actual paying job was doing third-shift stock duty for $7.25 an hour. But after tax and shit, I only ended up making like, 5.50 an hour. And stocking is a pain in the ass, man. Especially if you gotta like, unload skids of fuckin' dog food and cat litter. Big 50, 60 pound bags? That shit is hard, and I'm out of shape. I wanted that full $7.25! I didn't want to pay bullshit taxes that had nothing to do with me, not with how hard I worked. I mean, we didn't have escrow, but if we did, that'd suck even worse.

I lost a buck and a half off my paycheck and I hated it. Imagine losing a MILLION bucks.

And being a goaltender is much harder than being a stockboy...I imagine. I mean, I never sweat off 15 pounds for a night's work (though I could stand to).

One's ONLY reaction to what Ellis said should be "Oh yeah, that DOES suck."

But no. The Twitterverse went crazy. And honestly, a little dickheaded.

Twitter personalities we've loved for their snarkiness suddenly looked like angry children insecure with their own meager earnings (or God knows what else). A little sensitive, are we? Much was made of Dan Ellis supposedly comparing his life to cops and firefighters...except he never actually did that.

"If you don't make a lot of money, you won't understand."

"Just like I wouldn't understand how cops or firefighters risk their lives."

You see, it's a comparison of the lack of understanding; not job responsibility. Dan Ellis never said a damn thing about how he risks his life or his job carries a lot of societal significance. He's not that big of an ass.

But as quoted in the CWGAP article, Buddy Oakes said it best. Yeah, $500,000 is a nice chunk of change, but he's losing two-thirds of his paycheck before he sees any of it. And that sucks. Imagine losing two-thirds of YOUR check. Would I dare tell you to shut up because someone makes less than THAT?

The hashtags and the personal attacks were ridiculous and uncalled for. I'm all for poking fun and having a laugh, but I also abide by what Wil Wheaton says: "Don't be a dick." A great number of people were being dicks.

I get that money is a sensitive issue, but again, I don't see where animosity was at all necessary. Maybe it's just me, but I didn't even feel like I was supposed to get offended by what he said, because I thought he was right. Maybe it's just that I don't really ever get offended.

Bottom line is this: If you lost 67% of your paycheck (and then some), it'd suck. No matter how much you make. And if you disagree, you're an idiot.

The end.

Beards of War reacts to Chicago's Adventures in a Salary Cap World

The Blackhawks recently decided to match San Jose's offer sheet to RFA Niklas Hjalmarsson. Chicago, the team whose cap situation, if were realized visually would look not unlike flaming Vietnamese orphans, decided to resign a 6th defenseman for 3 and a half million dollars over 4 years.

This leaves the team with roughly $100,000 in cap space with which to sign 7-8 more players to have a minimum roster.

The league minimum's about $500,000. And of those 7-8, one is Antti Niemi.

$100,000.

And now, our reaction:

AAAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAAA HAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAA

AHAHAHAHAHAHA. HA. HA. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AHAAHA

AHAHAHAHAH. AH. AH. okay.

done.

....

....


....AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

......AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHA

...AAAAAAAHAHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.......

Not enough H's and A's. So I'll let Tom Hanks finish it.



Way to go, Stan Bowman. Way to go.

Derek Boogaard = Peter Gibbons

Have you ever seen Office Space? I hope you have. It's one of my favorite movies. If you haven't, in a nutshell, it's a comedy about three guys working at a software company office in the late 90s who hate their jobs. At one point in the film, the main protagonist, Peter Gibbons, goes with his girlfriend to see an occupational hypnotherapist and Peter, normally sort of high-strung, is placed under a relaxing trance. But before the obese hypnotherapist can snap Peter out of this trance, he succumbs to a heart attack in the middle of the session, leaving Peter stuck in the trance.

Peter is now completely relaxed in his life and starts skipping work, uncaring of the consequences and preparing to start his lifelong dream of "doing nothing." Anyway, at one point in the film, while arriving at work to pick up some things before leaving, he is reminded by his friend Michael that he has an appointment with some consultants. Peter goes in to see the two men and is completely brutally honest about his slacking off at work, his displeasure with his multiple bosses, and admits he just doesn't care.

Now I know, this is a hockey blog and not a film blog, but here's my point. During the consultant scene, Peter admits: "I'd say in a given week, I probably only do fifteen minutes of real, actual work."

One could say the same of Derek Boogaard.

And that is the point of that story.

If you're one of those who purposefully avoid the tragically hilarious, then you might now know that that genius GM of the Rangers, Glen Sather, recently signed known totem pole Derek Boogaard to an ACTUAL SERIOUS CONTRACT worth $6.6 million over 4 years. This for a guy who has scored as many goals in the last four years as I have. Dude hasn't even played a full season in the NHL yet. I'm guessing Sather thinks money grows on trees. Or in his own ass.

That's right. Derek Boogaard is getting paid $1,625,000 this upcoming season.

A goon.

Over a million and a half dollars.

Y'know, if Peter were making that kind of scratch, he probably wouldn't have needed to see a hypnotherapist, nor would he hate his job. I mean, C'MAAN.

Assume Boogaard plays in 60 games. Assume he plays 7 minutes a night. That's a total of 420 minutes, or 7 total hours. Seriously, give this man's agent a medal and a bologna sandwich, because if I were paid 1.625 million for 7 hours of work, I WOULD NOT BE PUTTING MY ENTIRE FUTURE IN DEBT IN COLLEGE. $3,869 a minute. Think of all the 900 numbers you could call if you made that kind of scratch. $232,140 an hour! Try and get THAT at McDonald's!

And to complete the film reference from earlier...think of all the new red Swinglines you could get.