Playoff season is in full swing (as if your elevated blood pressure, missing clumps of hair, and crying relatives didn't already give this away already), and so is the NHL's "History Will Be Made" promotion. Compared to last year's theme of "what if...", this year's "History" theme has to do with various things History does - like....erases history. That makes sense.
Anyway, since the NHL has not seen fit to create a spot featuring the Red Wings (at least not in a winning or even positive light anyway), we here at Beards of War took to...my laptop and whipped up a quick spot for funsies and why nots. So if you will, enjoy our "not too terrible" tribute to consistency.
Showing posts with label stanley cup. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stanley cup. Show all posts
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
The Detroit Red Wings: What They Mean to Me
During the past few years, you've come to Beards of War for hockey related comedy, satire, snark, and sarcasm- ...alright, that's wrong. Over the past...er, month, you've come here when you're bored at work and looking for time to kill. And for a quick chuckle. And that's what I'm usually good at, because it's a style I'm comfortable with.
However, in this entry, I've decided to go out of my comfort zone with a SERIOUS Red Wings post. During my travels throughout the Detroit blogosphere, I've noticed other bloggers and fans discussing what drew them to this team; whether it was by choice or whether they grew up with it.
I guess I just figured since I know a pretty good number of people read this, perhaps you'd like to know why I like...no, LOVE the Red Wings.
I guess I'll start at the beginning. I was born at the ass-end of 1985, so my memories of the "Dead Wings" era or missing the playoffs are practically non-existent. In fact, I believe my earliest hockey memory of any sort was a Red Wings/San Jose Sharks game from either 1992 or 1993. I don't remember who won. I don't even really remember many of the players, except for Steve Yzerman. I know this because my dad told me. I still didn't really get it. I'm just like, "oh, okay. That's cool."
My dad's been a Red Wings fan for as long as I remember; longer than I've had memories. He's more a Wings fan than a hockey fan; you know, doesn't really know anything about other teams, but could tell you a lot about the home team. His only memories aside from ones about the Wings have to do with rivalries. I remember this mug he got from Dunkin Donuts that had Paul Coffey on it. It was a Coffey Mug. I remember asking him "who's this?", and he responded "That's Paul Coffey, he plays for the Red Wings."
"What's a Red Wing?"
"It's a wheel with a wing on it. They play hockey."
"Oh. That's cool he makes coffee too! And his name is Coffey!" He just kind of laughed at that. I really didn't get it. I seriously thought Paul Coffey made coffee. 15 years later, I realize now that Tim Horton was the coffee guy. Though let's face it, Paul Coffey should think about starting up a franchise. Coffey Coffee. They could open up next to Pizza Pizza. I dunno.
These are my earliest sports memories. That, and going to Detroit Tigers spring training in 1992 in Florida and receiving a pen and a hat from a guy talking about the "new" expansion franchise coming to Miami soon. That's how I became a Florida Marlins fan, by the way. Hand out free crap to kids and they're fans for life. I have faint memories of the Detroit Pistons bad boy era too.
But as for hockey, we didn't have cable or any decent television coverage, so watching hockey games on TV was very rare; we either had to go to parents' friends' houses or restaurants. We got cable in 1994 and moved into the city in 1995. Having cable was a trip. Having ESPN in my own bloody bedroom was weird. Those were the days when Nickelodeon didn't suck, and thus, I was preoccupied with that instead of hockey. I regret that. Those were the days I also played outside with my friends...which I also don't do anymore.
I do remember 1997 and 1998's back to back championships. I remember my dad saving one of the newspapers from my paper route in '97 because it was the one with the Red Wings on the front. I was excited for them, even if I didn't know anything about the team. It's the home team! I remember him talking about the brawl that occurred that March. That's when I understood there was a rivalry between Detroit and Colorado. I didn't like Colorado.
I remember seeing the news when Vladdy Konstantinov was in that accident. I remember being bummed. Severely. Again, I didn't know why. It was the home team, I guess.
I remember seeing them lift the Cup in '98 and I saw Vladdy hold it from his wheelchair. Seriously uplifting.
Unfortunately, my hockey memories between the fall of '98 and fall '01 are nonexistent. We moved into an apartment in 2000, and then to Battle Creek, Michigan in the spring of 2001.
That March, my dad received a job offer from the FAA. The government. They were going to relocate him.
To Denver, Colorado.
At first, I liked the idea. We'd finish out the school year in Battle Creek and then my brother, my mom and I would join my dad and go house hunting in the summertime. I was 15 years old at that time and had lived my entire life in suburban Michigan. I wanted to see what life was like with the mountains and the thin air...and the Avalanche fans.
I thought this would be fun. I hoped it would be fun. It was a little tough, given it was my third high school in one year's time, not to mention leaving all my friends behind and moving 2,000 miles west of where I'd lived all my life. There's really no other way to go about it than to go into it with a good attitude. Where else could I go?
Unfortunately, the kids at my high school didn't much care for me. They weren't as friendly as I would've liked. In fact, that's an understatement. They were downright horrible. I don't really talk about this much, but it adds to the story...so I guess I have no choice. Here goes.
*exhale*
When we moved to Colorado, I was roughly 5'7" and close to 300 pounds. I was a fat kid. The Colorado kids made sure I knew it. The entire school year, I was called names from passing cars; beached whale. Fatty. Godzilla. Lardass. You name it. I had things thrown at me from cars; bottles. Cans. Garbage.
I was beat up more than a few times my dudes much taller and stronger than me. I still don't know why. I was threatened with further violence and with death. Fortunately, they were too cowardly and coked up to follow through with anything more than what they already did.
My self-esteem was already on very shaky ground by just moving out there. I was always a very shy kid, and I still am. But at least people in Michigan didn't hate me because I was fat...or whatever reason.
The fact they didn't hesitate to do that stuff in front of my younger brother killed me too. The fact he couldn't do anything but look at me with a sad expression or say "sorry" as they called me names and drove away or whatever sucked even more. How are you supposed to look at your older siblings when they're being dehumanized right in front of you?
Those guys didn't even know me.
Needless to say, I didn't have any friends. I hated going to school. I hated leaving my room. I don't know how many times I'd sit in my room and cry about my life; at 15 years old. Kind of pathetic now that I look back on it. I'd sit and wonder what was wrong with me. What had I done to upset them? Did I exude something that was automatically unlikeable?
I wanted to die. I wanted to kill myself. I thought I was better off dead. I did not want this life anymore. I thought there was no way out.
We'd take day trips into Denver, and I wouldn't talk. All I would say is "I want to go home." I didn't like being out in public anymore. I didn't like people even glancing at me, because I assumed they were judging me. It's sad what I'd become.
As school was winding down, I started to watch the Stanley Cup playoffs. When I first tuned in, Detroit was playing St. Louis. They ended up winning that series in 5 games. That's not to say I didn't watch the occasional game when I could; this was the first year I actually knew who was on the team!
The next round is one you should remember. And it's why I love the Red Wings.
The Western Conference finals of the 2002 pitted the Detroit Red Wings against the Colorado Avalanche. It seems sort of symbolic for me now, just because it was Michigan versus Colorado, which is how I saw my situation. I'm a Michigan boy caught in the awful state of Colorado.
The Colorado Avalanche represented everything disgusting and horrible and wrong with the world. The Colorado Avalanche were sin. The Colorado Avalanche were pestilence. They were the assholes beating on me. They were the guys throwing their pop bottles at me from their moving car. They were the coked up morons telling me they were going to slit my throat if they saw me again.
The Detroit Red Wings were the heroes. Steve Yzerman was the glowing god with the glowing sword. Every time they won, I gained hope. Every time they lost, I died a little. When it went to a Game 7, I was on pins and needles. I'd never hoped for anything more in my life. I wanted them to crush the Avs, and I wanted them to do it with an exclamation mark.
They didn't disappoint.
Holmstrom.
Fedorov.
Robitaille.
Holmstrom again.
Hull.
Patrick Roy, the king of all douchebags on the douchebaggiest team in the douchebaggiest city in the douchebaggiest state in America, gets PULLED.
Oh, but we're not done. Olausson on the powerplay.
And Pavel Datsyuk on the powerplay.
7-0. The Detroit Red Wings didn't just beat Colorado, they crushed them. They chased Patrick Roy. They were going to the Stanley Cup finals.
I watched this game alone in my room while my parents and brother were out at a party. No one was there to see me bawl like a little girl as I watched *MY* Red Wings celebrate beating the Colorado Avalanche.
Steve Yzerman and his crew had thwarted all that was wrong with the world.
It gave me hope. Maybe *I* could beat this Colorado thing too.
Through finals week at school, nothing could bother me. I didn't listen to the kids. I wore my Red Wings shirt to school for the first time ever. I caught so many dirty looks and so many threats. But I didn't care. MY team was better than THEIR team. I watched the Wings play the Carolina Hurricanes. I watched them lose Game 1, but I didn't see them lose any more after that.
I remember triple overtime.
I remember Game 5. My favorite game of all time. I remember all the goals.
I remember Brendan Shanahan's empty netter with 45 seconds to go. "SCOOOORES!!! BRENDAN SHANAHAN!!!!"
I remember Gary Thorne's call: "...THE DETROIT RED WINGS HAVE WON THE 2002 STANLEY CUP!"
I remember it vividly. I don't know how many times I've replayed it on YouTube since then. But to this day, it still gives me goosebumps. It still almost makes me tear up.
To me, this wasn't just a hockey team playing a hockey game for a hockey prize. They were playing for me. They were playing for me stuck behind enemy lines, with no hope. They gave me hope. They gave me something to be happy for. They gave me something to believe in. I believed in them. They didn't let me down. They won it all.
And they won it for me.
....
A happy footnote to this story; that fall, the FAA offered my dad a relocation back to Michigan. He accepted.
We left Colorado forever on September 22, 2002.
I was back home. In Michigan.
Colorado left its scars and its damage, but I survived...thanks to the Red Wings.
All these years later, I still have an undying love for the team that pulled me through the most difficult period of my young life. It's something that'll never go away, because it can't. They're my heroes. And they always will be. The faces and names may change, but the love never will.
And that's what the Red Wings mean to me.
However, in this entry, I've decided to go out of my comfort zone with a SERIOUS Red Wings post. During my travels throughout the Detroit blogosphere, I've noticed other bloggers and fans discussing what drew them to this team; whether it was by choice or whether they grew up with it.
I guess I just figured since I know a pretty good number of people read this, perhaps you'd like to know why I like...no, LOVE the Red Wings.
I guess I'll start at the beginning. I was born at the ass-end of 1985, so my memories of the "Dead Wings" era or missing the playoffs are practically non-existent. In fact, I believe my earliest hockey memory of any sort was a Red Wings/San Jose Sharks game from either 1992 or 1993. I don't remember who won. I don't even really remember many of the players, except for Steve Yzerman. I know this because my dad told me. I still didn't really get it. I'm just like, "oh, okay. That's cool."
My dad's been a Red Wings fan for as long as I remember; longer than I've had memories. He's more a Wings fan than a hockey fan; you know, doesn't really know anything about other teams, but could tell you a lot about the home team. His only memories aside from ones about the Wings have to do with rivalries. I remember this mug he got from Dunkin Donuts that had Paul Coffey on it. It was a Coffey Mug. I remember asking him "who's this?", and he responded "That's Paul Coffey, he plays for the Red Wings."
"What's a Red Wing?"
"It's a wheel with a wing on it. They play hockey."
"Oh. That's cool he makes coffee too! And his name is Coffey!" He just kind of laughed at that. I really didn't get it. I seriously thought Paul Coffey made coffee. 15 years later, I realize now that Tim Horton was the coffee guy. Though let's face it, Paul Coffey should think about starting up a franchise. Coffey Coffee. They could open up next to Pizza Pizza. I dunno.
These are my earliest sports memories. That, and going to Detroit Tigers spring training in 1992 in Florida and receiving a pen and a hat from a guy talking about the "new" expansion franchise coming to Miami soon. That's how I became a Florida Marlins fan, by the way. Hand out free crap to kids and they're fans for life. I have faint memories of the Detroit Pistons bad boy era too.
But as for hockey, we didn't have cable or any decent television coverage, so watching hockey games on TV was very rare; we either had to go to parents' friends' houses or restaurants. We got cable in 1994 and moved into the city in 1995. Having cable was a trip. Having ESPN in my own bloody bedroom was weird. Those were the days when Nickelodeon didn't suck, and thus, I was preoccupied with that instead of hockey. I regret that. Those were the days I also played outside with my friends...which I also don't do anymore.
I do remember 1997 and 1998's back to back championships. I remember my dad saving one of the newspapers from my paper route in '97 because it was the one with the Red Wings on the front. I was excited for them, even if I didn't know anything about the team. It's the home team! I remember him talking about the brawl that occurred that March. That's when I understood there was a rivalry between Detroit and Colorado. I didn't like Colorado.
I remember seeing the news when Vladdy Konstantinov was in that accident. I remember being bummed. Severely. Again, I didn't know why. It was the home team, I guess.
I remember seeing them lift the Cup in '98 and I saw Vladdy hold it from his wheelchair. Seriously uplifting.
Unfortunately, my hockey memories between the fall of '98 and fall '01 are nonexistent. We moved into an apartment in 2000, and then to Battle Creek, Michigan in the spring of 2001.
That March, my dad received a job offer from the FAA. The government. They were going to relocate him.
To Denver, Colorado.
At first, I liked the idea. We'd finish out the school year in Battle Creek and then my brother, my mom and I would join my dad and go house hunting in the summertime. I was 15 years old at that time and had lived my entire life in suburban Michigan. I wanted to see what life was like with the mountains and the thin air...and the Avalanche fans.
I thought this would be fun. I hoped it would be fun. It was a little tough, given it was my third high school in one year's time, not to mention leaving all my friends behind and moving 2,000 miles west of where I'd lived all my life. There's really no other way to go about it than to go into it with a good attitude. Where else could I go?
Unfortunately, the kids at my high school didn't much care for me. They weren't as friendly as I would've liked. In fact, that's an understatement. They were downright horrible. I don't really talk about this much, but it adds to the story...so I guess I have no choice. Here goes.
*exhale*
When we moved to Colorado, I was roughly 5'7" and close to 300 pounds. I was a fat kid. The Colorado kids made sure I knew it. The entire school year, I was called names from passing cars; beached whale. Fatty. Godzilla. Lardass. You name it. I had things thrown at me from cars; bottles. Cans. Garbage.
I was beat up more than a few times my dudes much taller and stronger than me. I still don't know why. I was threatened with further violence and with death. Fortunately, they were too cowardly and coked up to follow through with anything more than what they already did.
My self-esteem was already on very shaky ground by just moving out there. I was always a very shy kid, and I still am. But at least people in Michigan didn't hate me because I was fat...or whatever reason.
The fact they didn't hesitate to do that stuff in front of my younger brother killed me too. The fact he couldn't do anything but look at me with a sad expression or say "sorry" as they called me names and drove away or whatever sucked even more. How are you supposed to look at your older siblings when they're being dehumanized right in front of you?
Those guys didn't even know me.
Needless to say, I didn't have any friends. I hated going to school. I hated leaving my room. I don't know how many times I'd sit in my room and cry about my life; at 15 years old. Kind of pathetic now that I look back on it. I'd sit and wonder what was wrong with me. What had I done to upset them? Did I exude something that was automatically unlikeable?
I wanted to die. I wanted to kill myself. I thought I was better off dead. I did not want this life anymore. I thought there was no way out.
We'd take day trips into Denver, and I wouldn't talk. All I would say is "I want to go home." I didn't like being out in public anymore. I didn't like people even glancing at me, because I assumed they were judging me. It's sad what I'd become.
As school was winding down, I started to watch the Stanley Cup playoffs. When I first tuned in, Detroit was playing St. Louis. They ended up winning that series in 5 games. That's not to say I didn't watch the occasional game when I could; this was the first year I actually knew who was on the team!
The next round is one you should remember. And it's why I love the Red Wings.
The Western Conference finals of the 2002 pitted the Detroit Red Wings against the Colorado Avalanche. It seems sort of symbolic for me now, just because it was Michigan versus Colorado, which is how I saw my situation. I'm a Michigan boy caught in the awful state of Colorado.
The Colorado Avalanche represented everything disgusting and horrible and wrong with the world. The Colorado Avalanche were sin. The Colorado Avalanche were pestilence. They were the assholes beating on me. They were the guys throwing their pop bottles at me from their moving car. They were the coked up morons telling me they were going to slit my throat if they saw me again.
The Detroit Red Wings were the heroes. Steve Yzerman was the glowing god with the glowing sword. Every time they won, I gained hope. Every time they lost, I died a little. When it went to a Game 7, I was on pins and needles. I'd never hoped for anything more in my life. I wanted them to crush the Avs, and I wanted them to do it with an exclamation mark.
They didn't disappoint.
Holmstrom.
Fedorov.
Robitaille.
Holmstrom again.
Hull.
Patrick Roy, the king of all douchebags on the douchebaggiest team in the douchebaggiest city in the douchebaggiest state in America, gets PULLED.
Oh, but we're not done. Olausson on the powerplay.
And Pavel Datsyuk on the powerplay.
7-0. The Detroit Red Wings didn't just beat Colorado, they crushed them. They chased Patrick Roy. They were going to the Stanley Cup finals.
I watched this game alone in my room while my parents and brother were out at a party. No one was there to see me bawl like a little girl as I watched *MY* Red Wings celebrate beating the Colorado Avalanche.
Steve Yzerman and his crew had thwarted all that was wrong with the world.
It gave me hope. Maybe *I* could beat this Colorado thing too.
Through finals week at school, nothing could bother me. I didn't listen to the kids. I wore my Red Wings shirt to school for the first time ever. I caught so many dirty looks and so many threats. But I didn't care. MY team was better than THEIR team. I watched the Wings play the Carolina Hurricanes. I watched them lose Game 1, but I didn't see them lose any more after that.
I remember triple overtime.
I remember Game 5. My favorite game of all time. I remember all the goals.
I remember Brendan Shanahan's empty netter with 45 seconds to go. "SCOOOORES!!! BRENDAN SHANAHAN!!!!"
I remember Gary Thorne's call: "...THE DETROIT RED WINGS HAVE WON THE 2002 STANLEY CUP!"
I remember it vividly. I don't know how many times I've replayed it on YouTube since then. But to this day, it still gives me goosebumps. It still almost makes me tear up.
To me, this wasn't just a hockey team playing a hockey game for a hockey prize. They were playing for me. They were playing for me stuck behind enemy lines, with no hope. They gave me hope. They gave me something to be happy for. They gave me something to believe in. I believed in them. They didn't let me down. They won it all.
And they won it for me.
....
A happy footnote to this story; that fall, the FAA offered my dad a relocation back to Michigan. He accepted.
We left Colorado forever on September 22, 2002.
I was back home. In Michigan.
Colorado left its scars and its damage, but I survived...thanks to the Red Wings.
All these years later, I still have an undying love for the team that pulled me through the most difficult period of my young life. It's something that'll never go away, because it can't. They're my heroes. And they always will be. The faces and names may change, but the love never will.
And that's what the Red Wings mean to me.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
NHL Awards 2010 Recap
7:30 PM - Awards open with Snoop Dogg ..uh, rapping. His shirt's got an old NHL logo. Y'know. The orange one with the downward sloping letters. Also a bunch of numbers. Travis Barker's on the drums. Even my closed captioning doesn't know what the fuck Snoop's saying. Probably something about ass. They got some clips of hockey stuff going on though.
7:32 - Introducing everyone at the show. Nice to hear "Ron MacLean" and "Ed Olczyk" are NHL legends. Also Cirque du Soleil performing to The Beatles. That's hockey.
7:34 - Oh hey, it's Jay Mohr. Talking about Keno. That's also hockey. Also said "Cindy Crosby." Makes a Phoenix joke. Nice. Also claims he loves hockey now. Okay.
7:35 - "Laugh it up, Bruins fans, we laughed at you in the playoffs." Nice job. Also showed Bettman laughing. That makes me cry.
7:38 - Jay Mohr introduces Mark Wahlberg for the Calder Trophy. ("HEY CALDER TROPHY. HOW'S IT GOING? WE SHOULD DO A MOVIE TOGETHER. ....SAY HI TO YOUR MOTHER FOR ME.") Have to say, Jay Mohr did a good job with the jokes. The exchanges with the Sedins was quality.
7:41 - Tyler Myers wins the Calder. He deserves it. Still feel Jimmy was robbed and voters were hypnotized by Tyler's size more than anything.
7:43 - Tyler Myers is still talking. They're trying to play him off with the music. Also realizing Tyler Myers' neck is taller than I am.
7:44 - Luc Robitaille and Natasha Henstridge presenting the Selke award. A little awkward.
7:45 - DAT'S MY BOY! Datsyuk wins the Selke. No question. Now we get a Datsyuk speech! "I want to thank the management for paying me. I wish you'd never stop." Hahahaha.
7:47 - Showing Henrik Sedin with the Art Ross Trophy.
7:49 - George Strombolipopolopodopolous interviewing Patricks Sharp and Kane in some d-bag lounge. Kaner's lost his mullet, thank God. Still a douche. He's a manwhore. He's gonna get drunk with that showgirl later...and beat her up for change.
7:50 - Cirque du Soleil performing to The Beatles. I ...I just don't know.
7:53 - CDS just ended. Thank God, I have no idea what's going on. Feels like I have a hair in my mouth. Oh hey, it's Jay Mohr.
7:54 - Ron MacLean and Ted Lindsay about to hand out the Ted Lindsay Award.
7:56 - AO! Ovie wins the Ted Lindsay Award! Russian machine never break...and doesn't lose. Except in the playoffs. Dedicates the trophy to his dead brother. That's sweet.
7:57 - Black guy from "Daily Line" shows up, but Ovie wasn't done. Finishes speech, now black guy talks.
7:59 - Presentation about the Vancouver Winter Olympics, a comedy skit featuring Bobby Ryan and Ryan Getzlaf. About Getzlaf being a dick to Bobby because of his "silver." Dammit, why'd I giggle? I hate Ryan Getzlaf.
8:02 - Stamkos and Crosby presented with the Rocket Richard Trophy. Stamkos is very white. Rosby is very woman.
8:06 - John Slattery coming out to present the Jack Adams. I liked Joe Sacco better when he sang for the Mighty Mighty Bosstones.
8:07 - Absolutely no surprise, Dave Tippett wins the Jack Adams Award. Maybe Barry Trotz could win it some day if he got a neck. Tippett: "This is a time where people stand up and thank their owners, I would do that, but I don't know all 29 of them." Ouch!
8:09 - DB Sweeney and Jamie Kennedy presenting the Vezna...er. That's Vezina, Jamie. Awkward banter. Kennedy was playing blackjack, apparently. DB wins the "faceoff" to name the winner.
8:11 - OH FUCK YES! RYAN MILLER WINS THE VEZINA! The pride of East Lansing! Michigan pride, baby, all day. Drew Miller gets a shoutout in the acceptance speech.
8:14 - Marty Brodeur with the Jennings Trophy. As soon as that lady gets done interviewing him with it, he's going to eat it. And her. And not sexually.
8:19 - Jay Mohr with a Tracy Morgan impression. Random. Oh, now a Shinedown performance. Time to go take a leak.
8:31 - Apologies. I went to eat. Missed the Masterton Trophy award...went to Jose Theodore, who I understand gave an emotional speech. Now Jay Mohr in a bad Norm MacDonald impression introduces Jerry Bruckheimer, who is introducing the King Clancy trophy.
8:34 - It goes to Shane Doan for his leadership/community presence. Some Army dudes are presenting him with the actual hardware. Cool beans. Humble dude, not afraid to poke fun at Phoenix's situation either.
8:36 - Ugh. Hawks with the Cup. Like watching a frat guy fondle your ex.
8:38 - Some people from some ABC show introducing the Lady Byng Trophy. Closed caption said "Leddybing." Interesting.
8:40 - Marty St. Louis wins the Lady Byng. Not surprised; highest points to PIMs ratio in the league. Fifth straight nomination, first win. Owes it to Brad Richards, because "Christmas cards to the referees work real well." Marty St. Louis is a funny guy. HIGHLY underrated.
8:41 - Crosby wins the Messier Leadership Award. What is this, I don't- Crosby? A leader? "Lead the NHL since the lockout"? ARE YOU BLOODY KIDDING ME. At least Crosby admitted when he looks for leadership, he looks to Steve Yzerman. Then again, so has everyone else in the past 20 goddamn years. He's only the most complete player...no, complete MAN ever.
8:45 - Oh gross, it's Ed Olczyk. Wonder if he's gonna show us his Blackhawks thong. Ed Olczyk is a really close talker. JR: "If you had to sit next to Mike Milbury and listen to him talk for four hours, you'd cry too." HAHAAHAHA.
8:47 - Duncan Keith wins the Norris. Again, no surprise. That's like putting up a human being versus a raccoon and a trash can in a "What's Taller" contest.
8:49 - They're cutting off Dunks with the music. He says "FUCK YOU I'M STILL TALKING." Suck it, awards show protocol.
8:50 - Ryan Miller wins the NHL Foundation Award and accepts a big novelty check from Gary Bettman. Funny, the check is actually bigger than the commissioner...it probably makes better decisions, too.
8:51 - Jay Mohr's brilliant Christopher Walken impression into a Goo Goo Dolls performance. John Rzeznik looks very drunk, but I love the Goos, so all is well.
8:54 - Convinced John Rzeznik is drunk. He looks even more like a lesbian than he did 10 years ago.
8:57 - Guy LaFleur out to announce the winner of the Hart Trophy.
8:59 - Guy LaFleur announces da weener of d'Art Mem'reel Trophy is HENRIK SEDDIN. Er...Sedin. Good job. Henrik basically also tells his brother to "suck it."
9:01 - S'IT, GOOD NIGHT.
Let's see how I did.
HART TROPHY:
I predicted: Henrik Sedin
Who won: Henrik Sedin
VEZINA TROPHY:
I predicted: Ryan Miller
Who won: Ryan Miller
CALDER TROPHY:
I predicted: Jimmy Howard
Who won: Tyler Myers
LADY BYNG TROPHY:
I predicted: Martin St. Louis
Who won: Martin St. Louis
SELKE TROPHY:
I predicted: Pavel Datsyuk
Who won: Pavel Datsyuk
JACK ADAMS TROPHY:
I predicted: Dave Tippett
Who won: Dave Tippett
MASTERTRON TROPHY:
I predicted: I didn't.
Who won: Jose Theodore
TED LINDSAY AWARD:
I predicted: Sidney Crosby
Who won: Alex Ovechkin
MESSIER LEADERSHIP AWARD:
I predicted: Shane Doan
Who won: Sidney Crosby
All in all, either these awards were very predictable, or I made smart picks. Sidney Crosby can suck it regarding the Leadership award, because Shane Doan got a leadership award too, and his was presented by real live fucking soldiers. Tyler Myers was worthy of the Calder, but if it were me, I would've voted for Jimmah. But hey, the good news is now he doesn't have to live up that post-Calder hype like Steve Mason could not do.
Also? Jay Mohr. Funny. A lot better than anyone thought he would be. Good jokes, impressions not terrible. Still questioning Cirque du Soleil, but whatever. Good show. Better than last year.
7:32 - Introducing everyone at the show. Nice to hear "Ron MacLean" and "Ed Olczyk" are NHL legends. Also Cirque du Soleil performing to The Beatles. That's hockey.
7:34 - Oh hey, it's Jay Mohr. Talking about Keno. That's also hockey. Also said "Cindy Crosby." Makes a Phoenix joke. Nice. Also claims he loves hockey now. Okay.
7:35 - "Laugh it up, Bruins fans, we laughed at you in the playoffs." Nice job. Also showed Bettman laughing. That makes me cry.
7:38 - Jay Mohr introduces Mark Wahlberg for the Calder Trophy. ("HEY CALDER TROPHY. HOW'S IT GOING? WE SHOULD DO A MOVIE TOGETHER. ....SAY HI TO YOUR MOTHER FOR ME.") Have to say, Jay Mohr did a good job with the jokes. The exchanges with the Sedins was quality.
7:41 - Tyler Myers wins the Calder. He deserves it. Still feel Jimmy was robbed and voters were hypnotized by Tyler's size more than anything.
7:43 - Tyler Myers is still talking. They're trying to play him off with the music. Also realizing Tyler Myers' neck is taller than I am.
7:44 - Luc Robitaille and Natasha Henstridge presenting the Selke award. A little awkward.
7:45 - DAT'S MY BOY! Datsyuk wins the Selke. No question. Now we get a Datsyuk speech! "I want to thank the management for paying me. I wish you'd never stop." Hahahaha.
7:47 - Showing Henrik Sedin with the Art Ross Trophy.
7:49 - George Strombolipopolopodopolous interviewing Patricks Sharp and Kane in some d-bag lounge. Kaner's lost his mullet, thank God. Still a douche. He's a manwhore. He's gonna get drunk with that showgirl later...and beat her up for change.
7:50 - Cirque du Soleil performing to The Beatles. I ...I just don't know.
7:53 - CDS just ended. Thank God, I have no idea what's going on. Feels like I have a hair in my mouth. Oh hey, it's Jay Mohr.
7:54 - Ron MacLean and Ted Lindsay about to hand out the Ted Lindsay Award.
7:56 - AO! Ovie wins the Ted Lindsay Award! Russian machine never break...and doesn't lose. Except in the playoffs. Dedicates the trophy to his dead brother. That's sweet.
7:57 - Black guy from "Daily Line" shows up, but Ovie wasn't done. Finishes speech, now black guy talks.
7:59 - Presentation about the Vancouver Winter Olympics, a comedy skit featuring Bobby Ryan and Ryan Getzlaf. About Getzlaf being a dick to Bobby because of his "silver." Dammit, why'd I giggle? I hate Ryan Getzlaf.
8:02 - Stamkos and Crosby presented with the Rocket Richard Trophy. Stamkos is very white. Rosby is very woman.
8:06 - John Slattery coming out to present the Jack Adams. I liked Joe Sacco better when he sang for the Mighty Mighty Bosstones.
8:07 - Absolutely no surprise, Dave Tippett wins the Jack Adams Award. Maybe Barry Trotz could win it some day if he got a neck. Tippett: "This is a time where people stand up and thank their owners, I would do that, but I don't know all 29 of them." Ouch!
8:09 - DB Sweeney and Jamie Kennedy presenting the Vezna...er. That's Vezina, Jamie. Awkward banter. Kennedy was playing blackjack, apparently. DB wins the "faceoff" to name the winner.
8:11 - OH FUCK YES! RYAN MILLER WINS THE VEZINA! The pride of East Lansing! Michigan pride, baby, all day. Drew Miller gets a shoutout in the acceptance speech.
8:14 - Marty Brodeur with the Jennings Trophy. As soon as that lady gets done interviewing him with it, he's going to eat it. And her. And not sexually.
8:19 - Jay Mohr with a Tracy Morgan impression. Random. Oh, now a Shinedown performance. Time to go take a leak.
8:31 - Apologies. I went to eat. Missed the Masterton Trophy award...went to Jose Theodore, who I understand gave an emotional speech. Now Jay Mohr in a bad Norm MacDonald impression introduces Jerry Bruckheimer, who is introducing the King Clancy trophy.
8:34 - It goes to Shane Doan for his leadership/community presence. Some Army dudes are presenting him with the actual hardware. Cool beans. Humble dude, not afraid to poke fun at Phoenix's situation either.
8:36 - Ugh. Hawks with the Cup. Like watching a frat guy fondle your ex.
8:38 - Some people from some ABC show introducing the Lady Byng Trophy. Closed caption said "Leddybing." Interesting.
8:40 - Marty St. Louis wins the Lady Byng. Not surprised; highest points to PIMs ratio in the league. Fifth straight nomination, first win. Owes it to Brad Richards, because "Christmas cards to the referees work real well." Marty St. Louis is a funny guy. HIGHLY underrated.
8:41 - Crosby wins the Messier Leadership Award. What is this, I don't- Crosby? A leader? "Lead the NHL since the lockout"? ARE YOU BLOODY KIDDING ME. At least Crosby admitted when he looks for leadership, he looks to Steve Yzerman. Then again, so has everyone else in the past 20 goddamn years. He's only the most complete player...no, complete MAN ever.
8:45 - Oh gross, it's Ed Olczyk. Wonder if he's gonna show us his Blackhawks thong. Ed Olczyk is a really close talker. JR: "If you had to sit next to Mike Milbury and listen to him talk for four hours, you'd cry too." HAHAAHAHA.
8:47 - Duncan Keith wins the Norris. Again, no surprise. That's like putting up a human being versus a raccoon and a trash can in a "What's Taller" contest.
8:49 - They're cutting off Dunks with the music. He says "FUCK YOU I'M STILL TALKING." Suck it, awards show protocol.
8:50 - Ryan Miller wins the NHL Foundation Award and accepts a big novelty check from Gary Bettman. Funny, the check is actually bigger than the commissioner...it probably makes better decisions, too.
8:51 - Jay Mohr's brilliant Christopher Walken impression into a Goo Goo Dolls performance. John Rzeznik looks very drunk, but I love the Goos, so all is well.
8:54 - Convinced John Rzeznik is drunk. He looks even more like a lesbian than he did 10 years ago.
8:57 - Guy LaFleur out to announce the winner of the Hart Trophy.
8:59 - Guy LaFleur announces da weener of d'Art Mem'reel Trophy is HENRIK SEDDIN. Er...Sedin. Good job. Henrik basically also tells his brother to "suck it."
9:01 - S'IT, GOOD NIGHT.
Let's see how I did.
HART TROPHY:
I predicted: Henrik Sedin
Who won: Henrik Sedin
VEZINA TROPHY:
I predicted: Ryan Miller
Who won: Ryan Miller
CALDER TROPHY:
I predicted: Jimmy Howard
Who won: Tyler Myers
LADY BYNG TROPHY:
I predicted: Martin St. Louis
Who won: Martin St. Louis
SELKE TROPHY:
I predicted: Pavel Datsyuk
Who won: Pavel Datsyuk
JACK ADAMS TROPHY:
I predicted: Dave Tippett
Who won: Dave Tippett
MASTERTRON TROPHY:
I predicted: I didn't.
Who won: Jose Theodore
TED LINDSAY AWARD:
I predicted: Sidney Crosby
Who won: Alex Ovechkin
MESSIER LEADERSHIP AWARD:
I predicted: Shane Doan
Who won: Sidney Crosby
All in all, either these awards were very predictable, or I made smart picks. Sidney Crosby can suck it regarding the Leadership award, because Shane Doan got a leadership award too, and his was presented by real live fucking soldiers. Tyler Myers was worthy of the Calder, but if it were me, I would've voted for Jimmah. But hey, the good news is now he doesn't have to live up that post-Calder hype like Steve Mason could not do.
Also? Jay Mohr. Funny. A lot better than anyone thought he would be. Good jokes, impressions not terrible. Still questioning Cirque du Soleil, but whatever. Good show. Better than last year.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Hostis Humani Generis.
So...
...hey, Wings fans...
...how's things? All's good? No? I didn't think so. Today sucks. The Chicago Blackhawks have won the Stanley Cup. CHICAGO. You know, the team that in all 80+ years of existence have only managedthree four Stanley Cups, this one in in 2010 and the last in 1961?
Furthermore, Marian Hossa has won the Stanley Cup. Marian freakin' Hossa. You know, the guy who's a pretty good player during the regular season, but his postseason bed has been shat in so many times, you'd think it was located in Betty White's house? Yeah, that guy. The glory chaser...has a yellow visor?
Hockey season is done for the year, and for the second straight year, a fanbase made mostly of bandwagoners and fairweather fans will get to cheer as their team brings home hockey's ultimate prize and we're subject to months of "HAHAHA WINGS FANS SUCK IT DEAD WINGS U GOLF U GOLF U GOLF". Let's face it, things kind of blow right now.
And that's kind of why I picked this time to start this blog, because things can't really get any worse, and I believe Gandhi said it best when he said, "High holy living dick, what the FUCK is this shit?!"
But the good lord knows you can't live your life being negative. So let's swallow the bile creeping up in our throats and offer a congratulations to all the Blackhawks fans who have stood by their team, even when they sucked. So to all four of you, I say congratulations. Savor the moment. Because when cap hell hits you in the summer, you're fucked, buddies.
Let's take a little solace in the fact that the NHL's Central division is once again the most dominant, even if the stupidest fart-sniffing team in the division won it all. So yes! West is best, and the East can suck it. The Wings fans who backed their division to the Cup made the right choice. Unfortunately, you backed Chicago, which is a sin. And for those who are still excited, calling Kane and others "your boys", or by saying "WE won", you're suspended from the Red Wings fanbase until further notice. Patrick Kane should never be anyone's boy, because he's mean to cabbies. And a douche. And he has a mullet. And I have this authority.
The Chicago Blackhawks are one of the NHL's most historically bad franchises, and this year's Cup wins definitely puts them on the list of hockey's elite. I mean, Christ, you won a Stanley Cup for the first time in nearly 50 years. That puts you guys on a list of puck powerhouses like the Tampa Bay Lightning and the Calgary Flames! AND you did it in the salary cap era, so you're even up there with the Carolina Hurricanes! You guys should be super proud of yourselves!
Let's not forget to mention all of the "Dead Things suck" and other various totally clever Red Wings-related chants and insults are completely warranted now. Never mind the fact that you only have four Stanley Cup wins in your history (the same as we have in the last 13 years), never mind the fact this is only your third straight year making the playoffs (we have 19), never mind the fact that the Blackhawks have a historically losing record in both the playoffs and regular season, YOU are the Stanley Cup champions! And I know, you see all these stats I've just shown, and you say "it's irrelevant, Mr. Red Wings man, as a Blackhawks fan, I don't live in the past, I live in the present!" to which I say SMART MOVE! If I were a Blackhawks fan, I wouldn't want to live in the past either, because...well, come on. That's not even because most current Hawks fans have no knowledge of the team prior to 2007.
But hey. It's a new season coming up. Shit, we got the draft. That's gonna be exciting, especially when we draft before Chicago, who will no doubt draft a total bust. It's a lot easier to get super special players when you draft in the top 5 every year, eh? We also have July 1st, which will be like fucking Christmas when the current Blackhawks squad enters CAP HELL. Enjoy that.
But seriously (and I mean this), and on a far less bitter note, I do know a few Blackhawks fans who have been so as long as I've known them. Enjoy it, guys. Lord knows you've waited long enough, and there's really nothing cooler than seeing those fans rewarded after all the disappointment they've had to endure, especially amongst the bandwagoners and fairweather fans. It sucks for us Wings fans, seeing you hoist that Cup just across the lake, but rest assured it will be ours next year.
And at least Marian Hossa didn't score the winning goal.
And at least Sidney Crosby didn't win it again.
And at least it stays in the Original Six.
And at least it stays in the West.
And finally, at least we didn't have to hear fucking "Chelsea Dagger" again. Thank Christ.
See you at the draft. Red Wings for LIFE.
...hey, Wings fans...
...how's things? All's good? No? I didn't think so. Today sucks. The Chicago Blackhawks have won the Stanley Cup. CHICAGO. You know, the team that in all 80+ years of existence have only managed
Furthermore, Marian Hossa has won the Stanley Cup. Marian freakin' Hossa. You know, the guy who's a pretty good player during the regular season, but his postseason bed has been shat in so many times, you'd think it was located in Betty White's house? Yeah, that guy. The glory chaser...has a yellow visor?
Hockey season is done for the year, and for the second straight year, a fanbase made mostly of bandwagoners and fairweather fans will get to cheer as their team brings home hockey's ultimate prize and we're subject to months of "HAHAHA WINGS FANS SUCK IT DEAD WINGS U GOLF U GOLF U GOLF". Let's face it, things kind of blow right now.
And that's kind of why I picked this time to start this blog, because things can't really get any worse, and I believe Gandhi said it best when he said, "High holy living dick, what the FUCK is this shit?!"
But the good lord knows you can't live your life being negative. So let's swallow the bile creeping up in our throats and offer a congratulations to all the Blackhawks fans who have stood by their team, even when they sucked. So to all four of you, I say congratulations. Savor the moment. Because when cap hell hits you in the summer, you're fucked, buddies.
Let's take a little solace in the fact that the NHL's Central division is once again the most dominant, even if the stupidest fart-sniffing team in the division won it all. So yes! West is best, and the East can suck it. The Wings fans who backed their division to the Cup made the right choice. Unfortunately, you backed Chicago, which is a sin. And for those who are still excited, calling Kane and others "your boys", or by saying "WE won", you're suspended from the Red Wings fanbase until further notice. Patrick Kane should never be anyone's boy, because he's mean to cabbies. And a douche. And he has a mullet. And I have this authority.
The Chicago Blackhawks are one of the NHL's most historically bad franchises, and this year's Cup wins definitely puts them on the list of hockey's elite. I mean, Christ, you won a Stanley Cup for the first time in nearly 50 years. That puts you guys on a list of puck powerhouses like the Tampa Bay Lightning and the Calgary Flames! AND you did it in the salary cap era, so you're even up there with the Carolina Hurricanes! You guys should be super proud of yourselves!
Let's not forget to mention all of the "Dead Things suck" and other various totally clever Red Wings-related chants and insults are completely warranted now. Never mind the fact that you only have four Stanley Cup wins in your history (the same as we have in the last 13 years), never mind the fact this is only your third straight year making the playoffs (we have 19), never mind the fact that the Blackhawks have a historically losing record in both the playoffs and regular season, YOU are the Stanley Cup champions! And I know, you see all these stats I've just shown, and you say "it's irrelevant, Mr. Red Wings man, as a Blackhawks fan, I don't live in the past, I live in the present!" to which I say SMART MOVE! If I were a Blackhawks fan, I wouldn't want to live in the past either, because...well, come on. That's not even because most current Hawks fans have no knowledge of the team prior to 2007.
But hey. It's a new season coming up. Shit, we got the draft. That's gonna be exciting, especially when we draft before Chicago, who will no doubt draft a total bust. It's a lot easier to get super special players when you draft in the top 5 every year, eh? We also have July 1st, which will be like fucking Christmas when the current Blackhawks squad enters CAP HELL. Enjoy that.
But seriously (and I mean this), and on a far less bitter note, I do know a few Blackhawks fans who have been so as long as I've known them. Enjoy it, guys. Lord knows you've waited long enough, and there's really nothing cooler than seeing those fans rewarded after all the disappointment they've had to endure, especially amongst the bandwagoners and fairweather fans. It sucks for us Wings fans, seeing you hoist that Cup just across the lake, but rest assured it will be ours next year.
And at least Marian Hossa didn't score the winning goal.
And at least Sidney Crosby didn't win it again.
And at least it stays in the Original Six.
And at least it stays in the West.
And finally, at least we didn't have to hear fucking "Chelsea Dagger" again. Thank Christ.
See you at the draft. Red Wings for LIFE.
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