Stop me if you've heard this one...

I'm more or less just writing this in an attempt to shake off the rust and get funny again. If not funny, then not a colossal waste of time.

Today is February 22, 2011. We're about 60 games into the season, so why the hell am I having PTSD about last year's playoffs? Seriously, check it..

• Wings playin' the Sharks
• 4-3 Wings loss
• Devin Setoguchi
• Buncha fucked up refereeing
• Todd McLellan getting jumped on by Mario as he goes to save the Princess

But hey, the Wings won 5 straight before this one. And hey, Jim Jam made almost 40 saves. That's...well, that's subpar defense, but super cool goaltending. Joey MacDonald sucks.

The scoring gets started with 8 seconds left in the first when Joe Thornton whacks the puck in and everyone on Twitter was like "oh fuck" "this....jfc" "STANDARD" and I was like "lol" cuz I was in class and couldn't watch half the game. It's not stopping me from writing about it like I saw it though. If Fox News can do it, so can I. JOURNALISTIC INTEGRITY.

But then in the second, Dan Cleary was all like "What are y'at, boys? How's she goin', buddy?" and scores a goal, because he's from Newfoundland. Rocks of Merasheen.

But then later, the OTHER Newfoundland b'y, Ryane Clowe, scores a goal. But that sucked, and we don't want his maggoty fish. They're no good for supper. So then good ol' Danny Cleary comes in 'n scores anudder. God bless yar cotton socks, Danny, me ol' cock. 'e's the b'y that shoots the puck and 'e's the b'y that scores.

Then everything goes some crooked and Floppy McGee Divin' Slip-o-...guchi scores two more and everyone's like "fuck", and then Zetterberg scores one on the powerplay, and that's it. Wings lose 4-3.

Sorry about all the Newfin'. I'm Newf at this. ....me b'y.

Oh, one last note: I'm back on the Twitter after a brief hiatus. You can find me at @emersojo. Follow me. Let's be friends...again.

Shame.

This post has nothing to do with the Red Wings, but I hope you'll overlook that and be all "oh, cool, BoW is...sort of back."

But uh...Marc Savard's career may be over. He's got another concussion.

And to think that this all started from a late, dirty hit to the head that everyone in the world saw...except the referees (I'm sure they saw it - they just never called it). And everyone in the world saw it as very worthy of punishment...except Colin Campbell.

One of the greatest playmakers in the game and this is how he might go out? Disgusting. Sometimes the game is bigger than the Penguins, NHL - and don't kid yourselves, that's the only reason Matt Cooke didn't even get a slap on the wrist (but I guess they felt it was a serious enough problem to make a new rule about it [which they scarcely follow], and *that's* Matt Cooke's "punishment".) Sick.

He had a history of this bullshit, too. Anyone on any other team would've gotten the Bertuzzi treatment.

I really don't understand how Ben Eager can get a 4 or 5 game suspension for a sucker punch, but Matt Cooke gets nothing for anything he does...and I *hate* Ben Eager. And I'm not really a Bruins fan either.

The NHL is run by incompetents. It's so tragic the greatest sport in the world is controlled by idiots who seem to want to kill it and drive away the die-hard fan so they can bring in the dollars of sheep and bandwagoners and fairweather fans.

Even more shameful are the Pittsburgh fans who either a.) laugh at Savard's state, or b.) stick up for Matt Cooke. The fuck's wrong with you?

Sorry, NHL fans. Sorry, Marc Savard. You deserve better.

400.

Congrats, buddy. You earned it.

We take a break from your regularly scheduled nothing...

I realize that I've been neglectful of Beards of War lately (late semester shenanigans and finals studying really takes away from my slackin' off time), and for that, for those who read this and like it, I apologize. For everyone else, why are you here?

But I would just like to take this moment to say Nicklas Lidstrom is amazing. Career hat trick number....one. In game number 1,442. I mean who DOES that? Oh yeah. Lidstrom does.

Congrats, Nick. And thanks for the curly fries.

TEE PEE AITCH! TEE PEE AITCH! TEE PEE AITCH! TEE PEE AITCH!

Let My People Go - and by people, I mean Curly Fries

I'm certain I don't need to go into any detail explaining the massive popularity of #OperationCurlyFries, since most of you visit this blog from Twitter. Just in case though, I'll give you the briefest rundown I can:

Arby's changed our hat trick reward from curly fries to a Jr. Roast Beef Sandwich. We want our fries back.

Now, I personally feel that a Jr. Roast Beef isn't a horrible thing to get for something that only happens in about 5% of hockey games. But as it has been said time and time again, it just doesn't seem right. After all, it's been curly fries for ages. When a player has two goals, they're thinking curly fries. They're not thinking "roast beef". That sounds perverted, too.

Surely it's not a cost-cutting measure. Each of those items is what, a buck and a half? And like I said, it's something that happens in maybe 5% of hockey games. Of course, our percentage could be higher if the Wings were given powerplay opportunities for all the ridiculous stick fouls on Datsyuk (or really anyone) every time he enters the offensive zone that never get called for whatever reason.

Bottom line: We need curly fries. It's like replacing Dick York with Dick Sargent on "Bewitched". Sure, he gets the job done, but it's not the same. He doesn't even look the same. Dick Sargent looks like a jerk. He's smug. How are they gonna change Darrens on us like that? I *LIKED* Dick York. Plus, Dick Sargent? His name sounds like a 5th grade playground insult. "HEY DICK SARGENT. YOU GONNA GO SARGENT ...A DICK?" Yeah, I know. It's "sergeant", but whatever.

The Dallas Stars: Why They're Worse Than Glenn Beck

(Note: I'd been working on this ages ago, and just finished it. It's old stale news by now, but I finished it for my roommate, who wanted to see it done....eventually)

No doubt by now, you've read or at least heard of Yahoo Sports being integrated with something called "Associated Content." For those not in the know, I'll break it down like this. Associated Content is a lot like Fox News. Sure, it's in the "news" section, and at first it looked like informative articles by someone in the know, but when you actually come to read it and see what the person has to say, you'll soon realize it's nothing but the biggest load of shit you've ever read in your life, and you wonder if the article you've just read is going to give you tumors all over your body or make you as incredibly stupid as the author.

What riled up a bunch of Red Wings fans was an article by "freelance writer" Sherri Thornhill (A Dallas Stars fan) entitled "The Detroit Red Wings: Why I hate this obnoxious hockey team."

The article is chock full of the most dead-on observations one can find about the Red Wings, such as that players like Nicklas Lidstrom "lack class", are "arrogant" and "suck ass." Sherri's got our boys nailed when she says the Wings "prance on and off the ice", and play "boring hockey."

But the pinnacle of this piece of journalistic mastery is when Sherri says Red Wings fans are, and I quote: "...some of the least knowledgeable, obnoxious, arrogant group of wannabe hockey fans I've ever had the displeasure of meeting" and that we "are more interested in getting drunk at the games than to actually watch the game."

Wow. I mean, just wow. She's right though, all of the Red Wings fans I know are incredibly stupid when it comes to hockey. We can't even name half of our team! We sure as hell couldn't name half the guys on our AHL team. Jesus, do we even know what icing is? Doesn't that shit go on a cake?

But in all serious, Sherri Thornhill, if everything's bigger in Texas, does that account for your amount of balls and/or sheer idiocy? If by freelance writer, do you mean "hate-filled bitch without an ounce of integrity and the world's biggest chip on her shoulder"? I'm not sure who pissed in your Corn Flakes that morning, but I guarantee it wasn't a Red Wings fan. We respect cereals, because Corn Flakes are produced in the great state of Michigan.

Can I ask where you got your research? Can I ask what constitutes 'exciting hockey'? Is playing defensively-sound hockey 'boring'?

Is 'exciting hockey' defined by ONLY big hits and porous defensive play? Is that only in Dallas? Then it's no wonder your team's missed the playoffs the last couple seasons.

"Arrogance in breathing"? Wait, you mean literally? Oh man, I'm such a pompous asshole because my organs need oxygen to function.

Seriously, do people call them the "Dead Wings" still? You ARE aware that was a term used when the team was mired in failure during the 70s and 80s right? You're aware the team had made the playoffs for nearly 20 straight seasons and in 25 of the last 27 seasons, right? What exactly makes them "Dead"? Is it the fact they're too old? That's gotta be it. That's why they're "Dead", it's because they're too old! ...just like they have been for the past 15 years. And despite their ridiculous ages (Nicklas Lidstrom is 75 years old), they still continue to win. Explain that to me, because me a stupid fan. Me no know what a puck is. Y dat man wear a visor? Why don't they do dis sport on pavement wif rolla skatez? Does a puck to the face feel good? TELL ME SHERRI, I'M A MORON.

Detroit's won 4 Cups since 1955...and 4 since 1997! Which is it, guys? If only they could be legitimate contenders like the Stars AND win as many Cups as them! Th-...oh. Yeah, about that...

I would swear this bitch is trolling if it weren't so obvious.

So, in the spirit of Sherri's journalistic integrity, Beards of War is proud to present a totally non-opinion piece on my ...uh, fact-finding journey into things that are totally and completely true about the Dallas Stars. It's called "The Dallas Stars: Why They're Worse Than Glenn Beck." If I'm lucky (and by lucky, I mean if I sign up and pretend I'm a legitimate writer and not a total hackjob), Yahoo will publish it in Associated Content!

1. The Dallas Stars practically GAVE us Mike Modano - Seriously, here you have a guy who was drafted back in the late 80s, is the team leader in almost EVERY category (especially since the team moved from Minnesota to fuckin' Texas in the 90s), was the face of the team, is the all-time American scoring leader and a sure-fire hall-of-famer....and you let him go. Seriously, Sherri, that's totally our bad. We went to Joe Nieuwendyk and we were all "Hey, don't resign your legend. Don't resign the guy who grew hockey in Texas." After all, you needed the space for *BRANDON SEGAL*. Who? Yeah, who indeed.

Oh wait, that never happened. Nope. Mo was shown the door. Nothing more than a "see ya" and a "thanks for the memories" as he was cast off into free agency, only to be scooped up by his REAL hometown and given one last run toward glory. Yeah, that was totally our bad. How dare we?

God, we're assholes.

2. The Dallas Stars practically gave Marty Turco to Chicago - No, seriously, I'm still pissed off about that. Even though he played for Dallas, Marty Turco was still my favorite goalie. And then YOU let him go too. Another franchise leader, boom, out the door to go to a team that had their shit decimated by the salary cap. A team that ALSO has no chance to win the Stanley Cup. Turco went from Barbecue Country to Barbecued Country (get it? Cuz Chicago was decimated by that fire those many years ago? LOLOLOL stupid).

3. Dallas fans don't think Paul Bissonnette is funny - Unthinkable! No, seriously, they don't. They think his Twitter feed is a load of bullshit and painfully unfunny. They wonder what all the fuss is about. They find him "completely unprofessional" and they believe that nothing he says has any merit or comedic value because of "his poor grammar and spelling", which is TOTALLY ironic since they live in Texas. They believe he's nothing more than an insensitive illiterate who deserves our scorn and protection rather than laughter and t-shirt money. Dallas fans also hate the homeless and love PT Cruisers. Boom.

4. The Dallas Stars are the reason you didn't get that promotion - Yeah, you know, you work all day in a dead-end job makin' 7 bucks an hour, sweating and bleeding for the man. You tote that barge, lift that bale. It's a bleak outlook. But there's a light at the end of a tunnel; granted, it's a pinhole's width wide, but dammit it's there. You think "man, if I can just show my work ethic, the boss'll take notice and promote me the hell out of here and I'll have a nice cushy desk job. And I'll keep working my way up and eventually, I'll own the company!" Yeah well, it ain't happening. Know why? The Dallas Stars. It just so happens that Steve Ott told your boss that you're a raging homo and you were making advances toward all the rest of the male staff. He said you even tried to shove the water cooler up your ass. So not only did you NOT get that promotion, you were put on unpaid vacation in order to "sort your life out" and "get help." Next thing you know, your wife is leaving you because "you can't deal with your feelings", and she's taking the kids. You know who you have to blame for that? The Dallas Stars. Jeff Woywitka thinks you're a fruitcake too, which is weird, because he doesn't even know you. Nobody really knows who he is either.

Also, your company was also owned by the Dallas Stars, too, somehow. That's why they wanted you to seek psychiatric help for being gay. I mean, who does that? That's hateful.

5. Dallas Stars fans try to hit your children on the sidewalks with their Range Rovers - It's true. We've all seen it. You're walking down the street with your little son or daughter - it's a nice day, not a cloud in the sky. Or maybe you're watching out your window as your little child sells lemonade for 5 cents a cup. You know you're losing money, but you don't care because it's cute. They even got the backwards "e" at the end of the word "lemonade." They even spelled "lemonade" with a "6" in there too, somehow. Maybe your kid's a little slow in the head, I dunno, but whatever, it's still cute. Then all of a sudden, some jacknut driving a Range Rover comes driving down your street at like, 80 MPH. It's all decked out in Stars logos and stickers of Steve Yzerman getting kicked in the face. It has a bumper sticker that says "My other car is a purple PT Cruiser with flames on it". The license plate says "DETSUX" or "1CUP99" or "TOMHICKS" or "DEFAULT". ..."ASSMILK." The driver's up on the curb, talking on their cellphone about how much Detroit sucks an how everyone's bed has a chalk line around it. They smash the shoddy handywork your child was using to hock beverages, leaving nothing but a pile of mulch. Driving away from the scene, the driver sticks their head out the window, displaying their tremendous bald spot (which is very uncommon for a 28-year old woman, but hey, she's a Stars fan) and pockmarked face and shouts "HAHA I KNOCKED OVER YOUR GAY LITTLE STAND. DETROIT SUCKS", which is kind of weird, considering you live in New York. And all Dallas Stars fans do that. All of them.

6. Andrew Raycroft - Nuff said.

7. Dallas Stars' female writers look like dudes - Oh man. You ever see a chick writer who covers the Stars? Not just the professional ones, but the freelance ones too. Holy shit, take a look at those broads. You think my beard is awesome? Look at those bitches. Everyone one of 'em is Al Borland with a vagina. Especially this chick, Sherri Thornhill? Oh my god, dude. WOOF. ARF ARF. BOW WOW. Get this bitch a Milk-Bone. Talk about getting beat about the face with the ugly stick. Except in her case, she looks more like she fell down ten flights of ugly stairs, landed face-first on the ugly nail, got the ugly tetanus shot, walked outside only to be blasted in the face with the ugly flamethrower, got ugly skin-graft surgery with ugly skin, then got kicked in the face with the ugly horseshoe from an ugly horse named Ugly Ugly. Seriously, she does look like she got kicked in the face though. And she has a penis. An ugly penis. With one ball. And enough ugly pubic hair to choke an ugly elephant.

And finally, the last item on our list...

8. Dallas Stars fans eat babies - Their dirtiest secret revealed. In between sessions of pretending fans of any Texas sport are loyal, Stars fans go out, find babies, barbecue them, and eat them. They even eat the diapers. They consider it and its contents as a side dish. And why not? They and their team have been eating shit for years. Seriously, though. Babies. You'd think in a state where beef is king, they'd eat more beef...but no. Babies. Barbecued children. Now you know why they're always trying to run your kids over with those damn Range Rovers. Granted, it's not the cleanest way of taking out your target, but...I mean, I guess people do take home and clean deer that they hit with THEIR car. Except usually, hitting deer is an accident.

The end. Thanks for reading this expose put together by the Beards of War crew. We find it's necessary to counter the outrageous, ridiculous, baseless and hurtful claims of a so-called "writer" with totally true, not made-up, well thought-out, no BS, non-slanderous, non-biased arguments.

HEY WISNIEWSKI, THERE ARE CHILDREN WATCHING.

Oh hey, remember yesterday during the Rangers/Islanders game when James Wisniewski made a "colorful" gesture to noted douchebag and fashionista Sean Avery? Here it is, in case you live under a cock- er...I mean, a rock.

Ohoho. Wiz, you character. That's not how you eat a push pop! You gotta push it from the bottom. You get more fruity goodness that way. Or maybe he's trying to show Avery how to properly use a Shake Weight. I mean, shit, that thing shreds your forearms. Makes you huge. No, you know what it is? Wiz was doing Santa Claus karaoke. HO HO HO~ HO HO HO. I mean, Sean Avery IS an elf, right? Right?

All kidding aside, the NHL has set the precedent this season that they will crack down on shenanigans. Evil shenanigans, like what Wiz did above. That evil shit will get you benched for two games. However, they're still going to be a little light on "fun" shenanigans. Y'know. Like in the video below:

Boys will be boys! Those kinds of cute things...oh, hockey players. See, that gets a two game suspension as well. So seriously, we must ask ourselves, deep down, we must know..."what the FUCK?!"

I just think it's terrible we're fans of a sport whose main officiating body sees the two events shown above as being equal in terms of discipline. I mean, how do we explain that to our children? How do we explain the motion Wiz was making? I mean, Jesus, when I watch a fucking hockey game with my hypothetical children, when we see someone get flattened by a dirty hit and lay on the ice for minutes while they bleed and lose teeth, we all cheer that as part of the game. That's totally okay. But when I see someone give Sean Avery the business with a dirty gesture, that just tears my fake family apart. The kids cry. The dog barks. The cat pukes. I yell at my wife. She screams at me with her super-high shrill bitch voice. She makes fun of my penis. I tell her her vagina looks like Andre the Giant's armpit. She threatens me with a restraining order and she takes my fake kids out to fake Illinois to live with her fake parents while she "sorts her fake life out." I eventually fall into despair and lose all my money gambling on termite races in a back alley and am forced to support my habit by performing unspeakable acts on traveling salesmen - JUST AS LONG AS I DON'T MIME IT, GOD FORBID.

Look, I get that there are kids watching. I also get that there are adults and parents watching. The NHL is not your fucking babysitter. It's not up to them to explain every little thing to your child; every little questionable thing that MAY show up, every gesture, every word, every hit. It's up to you as a parent to explain and guide and protect your own children. Unless you're a brand new fan or a bandwagoner, you know exactly what to expect when you watch a hockey game, ESPECIALLY when it's between two old rivals. You expect fights, violence, and a bit of unsportsmanlike conduct. It's hockey for Christ's sake. If you sit down with your kids to watch a game, YOU have to be the parent. If you don't feel up to the challenge, either a.) don't be a parent, or b.) change the channel.

Think about this; which would you rather have your child "re-enacting"? Mimicking a blowjob? Or would you rather have them running kids from behind and breaking their foreheads open? Jesus, I can't even believe Wiz's gesture was somehow "more offensive" or "more detrimental" than Nick Boynton's throat slash. Oh well. Welcome to America, where the mere prospect of sexual activity is far more dangerous than actually hurting a guy. Can you imagine if Wiz had flashed his sack or mimed cupping the balls during his gesture? Oh man.

Let it be known, I'm not a Wisniewski fan. He's a bit of a shitbag, and I was of this opinion long before yesterday. Let it also be known I hate Chicago (if you've never read BoW before....by the way, I use bad language too. Hide your kids). If you think Wiz should've been suspended, but not Hjalmarsson, you're insane. And weird. And I don't like you. Seriously, where are your priorities? I mean personally, not thinking about the NHL. But if you think both guys should've been suspended, that's fine. I personally am of the opinion that at most, Wiz should've gotten a 10-minute misconduct. But that's just me. I'm not a new hockey fan. I know what to expect.

However, Hjalmarsson ran a guy from behind. That causes injuries. That causes careers to be put in jeopardy. Marc Savard? Anyone? Oh yeah. Matt Cooke didn't get punished for that. Probably because he didn't shout "PENIS!" as he crushed Savard's brain in.

But Christ, you guys. If Hjalmarsson and Wisniewski are both going to be suspended, you've got to suspend Hjalmarsson for longer. I thought the league was trying to stop that shit. 5 games. 7 games. 10 games. But TWO? Laughable disciplinary practices. Feels like older fans are being alienated for the new baby fans. Y'know. Bandwagoners. Most hockey fans aren't going to be offended by a hummer gesture as much as they're going to be offended by watching a star player get taken out by a dirty hit.

The last thing I will say: I don't give one single piece of hairy dog shit if Hjalmarsson isn't a repeat offender. That doesn't change what he did. I don't care if he "didn't mean to do it." I also "didn't mean to" knock part of my roommate's hookah off the kitchen counter. But does that fix it? No. It's still fucking broken. And so is Pominville's face. And so is the NHL's disciplinary system.