Huet to Europe is Total Fucking Bullshit, and so are the NHL's Recent Cap Related Shenanigans

HEY. You know what's a circumvention of a salary cap? Paying an elite-caliber player an exorbitant amount of money that eventually trickles down to peanuts by the time he hits age 44 (with a $6 million cap hit all the while).

You know what's NOT a circumvention of the salary cap? Paying a mediocre-caliber aging goalie an exorbitant amount of money, deciding he isn't worth it (though he's still capable of actually playing), knowing you can't afford "better players" if he stays on your payroll, so you dump him on some stupid Swiss team.

No, that's not a fucking circumvention at all.

"Oh shit, if we have this guy on our payroll, we'll actually have to PAY him the fucking money we INTENDED to when we signed him to this horseshit contract!"

"But MY GOD, if we buy him out, we're going to have to face a $1.875 million cap hit for two more years!"

"HOW THE FUCK CAN WE GET OUT OF THIS ONE!? I KNOW, LET'S FUCKING DUMP HIM IN SWITZERLAND! MWAHAHAHA."

Seriously?

It's getting around obligations that you made for the simple reason of "we don't want to pay you that much money, even though that's what we signed you to because we're stupid." Whoops. You got yourself in a jam of your own volition now you're trying to save your ass by dumping a perfectly able body on someone else.

As for Kovalchuk, I agree his contract was circumvention, but should've stood for two reasons: one is that the NHL allowed similar contracts through (though not as egregious), therefore setting a precedent that circumvention was more or less OK, depending on what team you are (coughChicago)

Number two was the arbiter's declaration (and assumption) that it was rare/impossible for him to play that long.

It's not impossible. He's in pretty good shape and not really injury prone. Playing that long is rare, yes, but your judgment can't be based on an assumption. There's no proof he can't play until he's 44 or even 50.

Seriously, what makes one think that Ilya Kovalchuk can't play til he's 44, but that Marian Hossa can play until age 43? Nearly $8 million a season for 7 more seasons, then a $4 million season, then four $1 million seasons? So if Kovalchuk's contract ended at age 43, it'd be OK? Where's the line?

Typical NHL. Picking and choosing, just like with discipline. If Kovalchuk was attempting to re-sign with a team like Pittsburgh or Chicago (hey, there's a team I haven't mentioned in this post at all yet), you could guarantee he could be offered a 50-year contract with ten straight $10 million seasons (but with a $1 million cap hit) and the NHL would be full of patronizing prasie of "EXCELLENT CAP MANAGEMENT GUYZ LOLOL".

Some teams are more equal than others.

Red Wings Sign Highest Scoring Belarusian Player in NHL History!

OH MAN. So just days after securing the services of the highest scoring American in NHL history (one Michael Q. Modano), Ken Holland has done it again, signing the HIGHEST SCORING PLAYER FROM BELARUS...EVER. What privileged fans are we, with this magnificent management, who can watch our team acquire two of the greatest players to ever lace up skates?

That's right, the legendary Ruslan Salei is now a Detroit Red Wing.

That's okay, I'll give you a minute to mop up the bodily fluids that just spewed forth from your every orifice.

Ruslan Salei. Belarus' ALL-TIME LEADING NHL SCORER. Holy living shit.

He's a scoring FORCE, scoring 194 points in almost 900 career games. Oh my GOD, HOW LUCKY ARE WE? Suck on THAT, Sergei Kostitsyn! Eat BALLS, Andrei Kostitsyn! You're balding and you look like Friar Tuck.

That said, can you believe we can afford to have this magnificent player on the THIRD DEFENSIVE PAIRING? HOW LUCKY ARE WE?!

THE GUY'S A LEGEND! Plus, look what I found on the WIKIPEDIA. Salei apparently scored 100 goals at the 2000 World Ice Hockey Championships.



Thanks, Wikipedia. You've never lied to me.

Mike Modano - What REALLY Happened

As everyone knows by now, Mike Modano has signed with his hometown Detroit Red Wings for one final run at hockey's ultimate prize. After 20 years with the same organization that drafted him and helped him become the amazing player he was, he was shown the door. A bit of a dick move just because he's 40, but if you think about it, playing with the Dallas Stars last year, he scored 14 goals in 30 points in 59 games. That's slightly better than a point every two games. Not bad for a guy his age, I'd say.

America's all-time leading scorer may be 40 years old, but he's coming now to the Detroit bloody Red Wings to play center between Dan Cleary and the returning Jiri Hudler. If Mike can play 70 games, it would be stupid to think he couldn't get 40 or more points, maybe even 50. I mean, Jiri Hudler had 57 points his last season here. And HE bangs hookers!

His signing with Detroit was a point of contention with some Red Wings fans, but I think we can all agree now that the team will Willa Ford's boobs Willa Ford's ass Willa Ford's boobs Willa Ford's ass.

But what about what happened with Minnesota and San Jose? After Modano announced it was either "Detroit or retirement", the Sharks and Wild reportedly approached him about signing. The Sharks were in a warm climate and were in prime position for Mo to take one final run at a second round playoff exit.

The Wild wanted him for novelty purposes only. If Mo wanted to go back to the state where he started his pro career, it would be in Minnesota. Of course, Mo would be golfing by the second week of April, but OMG NOSTALGIA RITE?!

And then we later found out that there was no real contact between those teams and Modano before he made his ultimate decision with the Red Wings, right? Well, that, my friends, is a half-truth. Beards of War has obtained this exclusive footage of how Mike Modano ended up selecting to join the Detroit Red Wings for a run at number 12:




'atta boy, Mo. 'atta boy.

Turco is Heartbreak: A CHIdenfreude Addendum

Those of you that know me know that my goalie mancrush is Marty Turco. It's hard to explain, really. For years, he was my favorite goaltender not in the Detroit system. I guess it was the way he played the puck, or maybe it's the fact that he attended the University of Michigan (GO BLUE). He's just an all-around smart goaltender. Or maybe it's because he's SO DREAMY....okay, maybe not.

I was pretty damn giddy when my college roommate informed me his dad knew several Dallas Stars personally, INCLUDING one Marty Turco. For Christmas, I received a personal autographed photo from the man himself, as you can see right there. To this day, I have it on my entertainment center, overlooking me as I type this out.

And since he was in Dallas, it meant I could cheer for him. I mean, they had Mike Modano too, and he's a Michigan guy...plus, his wife his hot. They weren't in the division, they weren't necessarily a heated rival, and they weren't Chicago. But that all changed this morning...

...Marty Turco broke my heart by signing with...the Blackhawks.

And that picture, I can't look at without becoming depressed. As a Marty Turco fan AND a Red Wings fan, this is very conflicting. On one hand, I really want Marty to succeed. On the other hand, he's in fucking CHICAGO. On one hand, he's 35 years old and doesn't have a lot of time left to win a Stanley Cup, which I would love desperately for him to do. ...on the other hand, he's in fucking CHICAGO, where the only run they're poised to make is the one where they narrowly avoid being a lottery team.

And yes, I know all about his terrible record against Detroit. And I do love that Chicago will undoubtedly suck against the Red Wings this year (and the rest of the league in general), but I don't love the fact that it comes at the expense of one of my favorite players in the game stuck behind enemy lines.

It sucks.

WHY couldn't he have taken the Philadelphia offer? They're not even in our conference. At least I don't outright despise the Flyers. AND they didn't lose a good number of their important players. But no. He had to go to Chicago.

Marty. You offered me 'best wishes.' These are my worst wishes; one of my most favorite players on one of my least favorite teams. I can't offer my best wishes for you to win, and I can't hope you lose every game you're in. I can't do anything. I'm conflicted.

In any event, I'll just let this digital short do the talking for me. It's much more amusing than my morose Droopyesque lamenting, plus it's dripping with CHIdenfreude. Enjoy!