Beards of War

Derek Boogaard Passes Away at 28

2011-05-13T20:24:00.000-07:00

Usually when I sit down to write a blog post, I wait until I think of something funny to say...or well, I flat out procrastinate. This is not the case with this post - I just hate writing about these kinds of things.

Derek Boogaard - Rangers enforcer - dead at 28.

Wow. Not expecting that at all today. I know I had my fun last year with him - not necessarily at his expense, but more at the notion that an enforcer could pull down that much money.

What I neglected to mention or even think about is that when a team signs a player, it's not necessarily JUST for them to play the games and try and win the Stanley Cup. There's the character issue - and Boogaard had it. A heart as big as his body. His love of the game and his Booguardians and other charities.

A guy you'd want on your team, but playing against him, a nightmare.

So many took to the interwebs to offer condolences and memories of a giant teddy bear of a man - and this doesn't surprise me at all. Hockey is something that is more than a sport - we all know it. Its players and its fans are a giant family. We have our spats and our "relatives we don't like" (even if we don't really know them) because of stuff they do, but when something like this happens, all of that stuff is irrelevant.

He was one of us - he was ours.

We come together, we console each other, the fans of his team, etc.

Real life is bigger than what happens on the ice.

Man, it's mindblowing to think this guy was only 28. That's far too young to be eulogized - I myself am 25. It's a little heavy and it makes it so much more tragic. He was in the prime of his career.

For me, there aren't many better things in hockey than an enforcer with a heart of gold, and this man was it. Even better when they score a goal. For all the dirty work they do, to get rewarded like that is great. And I think that's how I'll finish this post - Derek Boogaard's last goal (snipe!):

R.I.P. big guy.

"Consistency" - History Will Be Made

2011-05-05T23:38:00.000-07:00

Playoff season is in full swing (as if your elevated blood pressure, missing clumps of hair, and crying relatives didn't already give this away already), and so is the NHL's "History Will Be Made" promotion. Compared to last year's theme of "what if...", this year's "History" theme has to do with various things History does - like....erases history. That makes sense.

Anyway, since the NHL has not seen fit to create a spot featuring the Red Wings (at least not in a winning or even positive light anyway), we here at Beards of War took to...my laptop and whipped up a quick spot for funsies and why nots. So if you will, enjoy our "not too terrible" tribute to consistency.

What Next, Gary?

2011-04-26T15:28:00.000-07:00

(For the latest on this ridiculously asinine story, go here)

What next, Gary? Gonna ban “Don’t Stop Believing” from being played because the crowd shouting a particular lyric might be distracting to the commentators?

Gonna ban beer at the game because some people might have too much and start a ruckus?

Hey, how about banning skate blades because they might cut someone!

Ban “___ sucks” chants because children might hear them and/or someone’s feelings might get hurt!

Our tradition is ours. Not a soul in the city had a problem with it - not even the police - until recently, and we all know who is to blame.

Throwing the octopus is older than you, Gar. Stop masquerading your hatred of our hockey team and its die-hard fans in the guise of “safety first”. No one who threw red handkerchiefs at the last Chicago game got fined, did they? How about the guys who threw catfish on the ice in Nashville?

No. Only Detroit.

And not just a fine, but a blemish on one’s record too? That’s low.

But it’s understandable. New fans wouldn’t *get* tradition - and that’s all the NHL cares to cater to.

(And CHRIST, aren’t there other things in Detroit that the courts would be better used for? Just ask fans of the Pens and Hawks!)

Can we pretend that didn't happen?

2011-03-30T20:27:00.001-07:00

We can. But they better not.

There's really nothing one can say about a 10-3 shitfest other than "ewwww. I hope I don't feel this in the morning." It's really a lot like your prom date.

Not mine. I didn't go to prom.

This was one of the worst games I've ever seen played, so I'm not going to say much about it. The whole team looked like shit and I'm pretty sure Thomas McCollum's gonna have nightmares. Bad nightmares. Like being scored on by Roman Polak. Eeeeew.

That's all I'll say because I don't feel like taking my noteworthy and classy blog and devolving it into curse words and the phrase "shitty poop" over and over again.

Oh, and at some point, I'll be sure to type up my H2H2 post (two weeks late!), and maybe something else. I'm not quite to the point of giving up BoW in spite of a ridiculous amount of personal issues taking place. So...yeah. Enjoy your scotch tonight, you poor poor Red Wings fans.

Wings, Kings 'n Things - March 9 Preview

2011-03-08T22:43:00.000-08:00

Oh. Hello there. Before I get started with this preview, I should let you know that I do not plan on using any of Charlie Sheen's memes during the course of this entry or in any entries that should come after, the lone exception, of course, being "winning" - as we all know, this was a Detroit tradition before a Charlie Sheen tradition.

I know it's a huge thing now, oh my god, everyone's joining in the Charlie Sheen bandwagon - even the Twitter accounts of professional sports teams and corporations that take in billions of dollars and are usually well respected worldwide. I have a feeling that in 10 years, we'll look back at where we were when we spouted these phrases at each other in real life with cringe, a shudder, and a "God, why". Charlie Sheen memes are essentially the mullet/Zubaz pants combo of the early 2010s.

Our "winning" has to do with a smartly run organization with a tradition of success - his is "I love my out-of-control-coke-fueled-downward-spiral-skank-bangin'-life AND YOU DON'T GET IT BEAHWHAHWINNING." Differences.

Now you may be asking why I'm writing up a preview of a game. After all, I've never done that before. I usually do humorous entries after games, or even during games. The answer is simple - I'm going to the game. And so are a lot of you. Maybe you'll see me, so you can say "my, you are far less impressive in person." I look forward to it!

Here we go, the records: Detroit (39-19-8) vs. Los Angeles (36-25-5). Number two in the West vs. number eight.

Number two is an appropriate name for the Wings after crapping out last game vs. Phoenix - after going up 4-1 at the end of the second (the fourth goal coming from a beautiful dangle from the one and only...Darren Helm), the Wings choked up three goals to the Great Ownerless Wonder and eventually lost in the skills competition. That's harder to swallow than a scorpion made of farts. Of course, the Blo-yotes first goal shouldn't have counted, since Brett MacLean was essentially tapdancing on Jimmy Howard's skull. But since, as Larry Murphy said, "odfhdskiguhfdguidfgh I'm drunk, hot dogs" and something about "owning ice", the refs let it stand - which is total shit, because Murph is drunk and doesn't know anything. He's like the Queen Elizabeth of the Fox Sports broadcast team - at one point, he was important, but now he's just there and sometimes spouts confusing and sometimes offensive things...and is a drunk with a hot dog problem.

Broadcasting excellence.

The positive in all of that is that the Wings picked up a point, but that's like saying "well, at least I have ONE leg. It's better than none!" Yeah, but I want two legs. Or at least a kick-ass motorized wheelchair. No one's buying you a kick-ass motorized wheelchair when you choke away three goal leads, kids - it's a lesson for life.

The Kings are also coming off an overtime loss, theirs coming against Dallas and at the hands of Brenden Morrow. But really, who cares about that? Steve Ott sucks.

Though the Wings' road tour was the west coast was not totally successful (the only win coming against LA in a 7-4 game that should've been 7-1), I think we're all aware of the Wings' woes when it comes to games at home recently. What was the record for home games in February - 2-4-0 (and 7-9-2 since the start of December)? Tonight is the first home game in the month of March for Detroit, and we're all hoping they kick the month off the right way...you know, maybe like, two hat tricks. Maybe someone scores eight goals and tells Joe Malone to get out of the record books. Hey, maybe an Ovechtrick! I mean...that can happen, right?

All kidding aside, Detroit is losing ground to Vancouver for tops in the West - a nine point gap separates them (95 to 86). Detroit has two games in hand on the Canucks, though. Plus, hey, the more points they can get above Chicago, the better (by the way, they lost to Florida tonight. 8-game win streak. Gone. To Florida. In regulation, too. How hilarious is THAT?!). L.A. currently sits 8th in the West with 77 points (it's a real tenuous hold, too - that whole area of the standings is one big clusterfuck. Plus, Minnesota is like, RIGHT THERE).

Kill the losing streak. Don't allow early goals. Don't allow wimpy goals. Play all 60 minutes. Dangle some motherfuckers. Make me happy. 2 points. Let's get it. See ya at the game!

Stop me if you've heard this one...

2011-02-22T20:31:00.000-08:00

I'm more or less just writing this in an attempt to shake off the rust and get funny again. If not funny, then not a colossal waste of time.

Today is February 22, 2011. We're about 60 games into the season, so why the hell am I having PTSD about last year's playoffs? Seriously, check it..

Wings playin' the Sharks
4-3 Wings loss
Devin Setoguchi
Buncha fucked up refereeing
~~Todd McLellan getting jumped on by Mario as he goes to save the Princess~~

But hey, the Wings won 5 straight before this one. And hey, Jim Jam made almost 40 saves. That's...well, that's subpar defense, but super cool goaltending. Joey MacDonald sucks.

The scoring gets started with 8 seconds left in the first when Joe Thornton whacks the puck in and everyone on Twitter was like "oh fuck" "this....jfc" "STANDARD" and I was like "lol" cuz I was in class and couldn't watch half the game. It's not stopping me from writing about it like I saw it though. If Fox News can do it, so can I. JOURNALISTIC INTEGRITY.

But then in the second, Dan Cleary was all like "What are y'at, boys? How's she goin', buddy?" and scores a goal, because he's from Newfoundland. Rocks of Merasheen.

But then later, the OTHER Newfoundland b'y, Ryane Clowe, scores a goal. But that sucked, and we don't want his maggoty fish. They're no good for supper. So then good ol' Danny Cleary comes in 'n scores anudder. God bless yar cotton socks, Danny, me ol' cock. 'e's the b'y that shoots the puck and 'e's the b'y that scores.

Then everything goes some crooked and Floppy McGee Divin' Slip-o-...guchi scores two more and everyone's like "fuck", and then Zetterberg scores one on the powerplay, and that's it. Wings lose 4-3.

Sorry about all the Newfin'. I'm Newf at this. ....me b'y.

Oh, one last note: I'm back on the Twitter after a brief hiatus. You can find me at @emersojo. Follow me. Let's be friends...again.

Shame.

2011-01-24T17:04:00.000-08:00

This post has nothing to do with the Red Wings, but I hope you'll overlook that and be all "oh, cool, BoW is...sort of back."

But uh...Marc Savard's career may be over. He's got another concussion.

And to think that this all started from a late, dirty hit to the head that everyone in the world saw...except the referees (I'm sure they saw it - they just never called it). And everyone in the world saw it as very worthy of punishment...except Colin Campbell.

One of the greatest playmakers in the game and this is how he might go out? Disgusting. Sometimes the game is bigger than the Penguins, NHL - and don't kid yourselves, that's the only reason Matt Cooke didn't even get a slap on the wrist (but I guess they felt it was a serious enough problem to make a new rule about it [which they scarcely follow], and *that's* Matt Cooke's "punishment".) Sick.

He had a history of this bullshit, too. Anyone on any other team would've gotten the Bertuzzi treatment.

I really don't understand how Ben Eager can get a 4 or 5 game suspension for a sucker punch, but Matt Cooke gets nothing for anything he does...and I *hate* Ben Eager. And I'm not really a Bruins fan either.

The NHL is run by incompetents. It's so tragic the greatest sport in the world is controlled by idiots who seem to want to kill it and drive away the die-hard fan so they can bring in the dollars of sheep and bandwagoners and fairweather fans.

Even more shameful are the Pittsburgh fans who either a.) laugh at Savard's state, or b.) stick up for Matt Cooke. The fuck's wrong with you?

Sorry, NHL fans. Sorry, Marc Savard. You deserve better.

400.

2010-12-27T20:47:00.000-08:00

Congrats, buddy. You earned it.

We take a break from your regularly scheduled nothing...

2010-12-15T19:14:00.000-08:00

I realize that I've been neglectful of Beards of War lately (late semester shenanigans and finals studying really takes away from my slackin' off time), and for that, for those who read this and like it, I apologize. For everyone else, why are you here?

But I would just like to take this moment to say Nicklas Lidstrom is amazing. Career hat trick number....one. In game number 1,442. I mean who DOES that? Oh yeah. Lidstrom does.

Congrats, Nick. And thanks for the curly fries.

TEE PEE AITCH! TEE PEE AITCH! TEE PEE AITCH! TEE PEE AITCH!

Let My People Go - and by people, I mean Curly Fries

2010-12-02T13:41:00.000-08:00

I'm certain I don't need to go into any detail explaining the massive popularity of #OperationCurlyFries, since most of you visit this blog from Twitter. Just in case though, I'll give you the briefest rundown I can:

Arby's changed our hat trick reward from curly fries to a Jr. Roast Beef Sandwich. We want our fries back.

Now, I personally feel that a Jr. Roast Beef isn't a horrible thing to get for something that only happens in about 5% of hockey games. But as it has been said time and time again, it just doesn't seem right. After all, it's been curly fries for ages. When a player has two goals, they're thinking curly fries. They're not thinking "roast beef". That sounds perverted, too.

Surely it's not a cost-cutting measure. Each of those items is what, a buck and a half? And like I said, it's something that happens in maybe 5% of hockey games. Of course, our percentage could be higher if the Wings were given powerplay opportunities for all the ridiculous stick fouls on Datsyuk (or really anyone) every time he enters the offensive zone that never get called for whatever reason.

Bottom line: We need curly fries. It's like replacing Dick York with Dick Sargent on "Bewitched". Sure, he gets the job done, but it's not the same. He doesn't even look the same. Dick Sargent looks like a jerk. He's smug. How are they gonna change Darrens on us like that? I *LIKED* Dick York. Plus, Dick Sargent? His name sounds like a 5th grade playground insult. "HEY DICK SARGENT. YOU GONNA GO SARGENT ...A DICK?" Yeah, I know. It's "sergeant", but whatever.

The Dallas Stars: Why They're Worse Than Glenn Beck

2010-10-24T16:17:00.000-07:00

(Note: I'd been working on this ages ago, and just finished it. It's old stale news by now, but I finished it for my roommate, who wanted to see it done....eventually)

No doubt by now, you've read or at least heard of Yahoo Sports being integrated with something called "Associated Content." For those not in the know, I'll break it down like this. Associated Content is a lot like Fox News. Sure, it's in the "news" section, and at first it looked like informative articles by someone in the know, but when you actually come to read it and see what the person has to say, you'll soon realize it's nothing but the biggest load of shit you've ever read in your life, and you wonder if the article you've just read is going to give you tumors all over your body or make you as incredibly stupid as the author.

What riled up a bunch of Red Wings fans was an article by "freelance writer" Sherri Thornhill (A Dallas Stars fan) entitled "The Detroit Red Wings: Why I hate this obnoxious hockey team."

The article is chock full of the most dead-on observations one can find about the Red Wings, such as that players like Nicklas Lidstrom "lack class", are "arrogant" and "suck ass." Sherri's got our boys nailed when she says the Wings "prance on and off the ice", and play "boring hockey."

But the pinnacle of this piece of journalistic mastery is when Sherri says Red Wings fans are, and I quote: "...some of the least knowledgeable, obnoxious, arrogant group of wannabe hockey fans I've ever had the displeasure of meeting" and that we "are more interested in getting drunk at the games than to actually watch the game."

Wow. I mean, just wow. She's right though, all of the Red Wings fans I know are incredibly stupid when it comes to hockey. We can't even name half of our team! We sure as hell couldn't name half the guys on our AHL team. Jesus, do we even know what icing is? Doesn't that shit go on a cake?

But in all serious, Sherri Thornhill, if everything's bigger in Texas, does that account for your amount of balls and/or sheer idiocy? If by freelance writer, do you mean "hate-filled bitch without an ounce of integrity and the world's biggest chip on her shoulder"? I'm not sure who pissed in your Corn Flakes that morning, but I guarantee it wasn't a Red Wings fan. We respect cereals, because Corn Flakes are produced in the great state of Michigan.

Can I ask where you got your research? Can I ask what constitutes 'exciting hockey'? Is playing defensively-sound hockey 'boring'?

Is 'exciting hockey' defined by ONLY big hits and porous defensive play? Is that only in Dallas? Then it's no wonder your team's missed the playoffs the last couple seasons.

"Arrogance in breathing"? Wait, you mean literally? Oh man, I'm such a pompous asshole because my organs need oxygen to function.

Seriously, do people call them the "Dead Wings" still? You ARE aware that was a term used when the team was mired in failure during the 70s and 80s right? You're aware the team had made the playoffs for nearly 20 straight seasons and in 25 of the last 27 seasons, right? What exactly makes them "Dead"? Is it the fact they're too old? That's gotta be it. That's why they're "Dead", it's because they're too old! ...just like they have been for the past 15 years. And despite their ridiculous ages (Nicklas Lidstrom is 75 years old), they still continue to win. Explain that to me, because me a stupid fan. Me no know what a puck is. Y dat man wear a visor? Why don't they do dis sport on pavement wif rolla skatez? Does a puck to the face feel good? TELL ME SHERRI, I'M A MORON.

Detroit's won 4 Cups since 1955...and 4 since 1997! Which is it, guys? If only they could be legitimate contenders like the Stars AND win as many Cups as them! Th-...oh. Yeah, about that...

I would swear this bitch is trolling if it weren't so obvious.

So, in the spirit of Sherri's journalistic integrity, Beards of War is proud to present a totally non-opinion piece on my ...uh, fact-finding journey into things that are totally and completely true about the Dallas Stars. It's called "The Dallas Stars: Why They're Worse Than Glenn Beck." If I'm lucky (and by lucky, I mean if I sign up and pretend I'm a legitimate writer and not a total hackjob), Yahoo will publish it in Associated Content!

1. The Dallas Stars practically GAVE us Mike Modano - Seriously, here you have a guy who was drafted back in the late 80s, is the team leader in almost EVERY category (especially since the team moved from Minnesota to fuckin' Texas in the 90s), was the face of the team, is the all-time American scoring leader and a sure-fire hall-of-famer....and you let him go. Seriously, Sherri, that's totally our bad. We went to Joe Nieuwendyk and we were all "Hey, don't resign your legend. Don't resign the guy who grew hockey in Texas." After all, you needed the space for *BRANDON SEGAL*. Who? Yeah, who indeed.

Oh wait, that never happened. Nope. Mo was shown the door. Nothing more than a "see ya" and a "thanks for the memories" as he was cast off into free agency, only to be scooped up by his REAL hometown and given one last run toward glory. Yeah, that was totally our bad. How dare we?

God, we're assholes.

2. The Dallas Stars practically gave Marty Turco to Chicago - No, seriously, I'm still pissed off about that. Even though he played for Dallas, Marty Turco was still my favorite goalie. And then YOU let him go too. Another franchise leader, boom, out the door to go to a team that had their shit decimated by the salary cap. A team that ALSO has no chance to win the Stanley Cup. Turco went from Barbecue Country to Barbecued Country (get it? Cuz Chicago was decimated by that fire those many years ago? LOLOLOL stupid).

3. Dallas fans don't think Paul Bissonnette is funny - Unthinkable! No, seriously, they don't. They think his Twitter feed is a load of bullshit and painfully unfunny. They wonder what all the fuss is about. They find him "completely unprofessional" and they believe that nothing he says has any merit or comedic value because of "his poor grammar and spelling", which is TOTALLY ironic since they live in Texas. They believe he's nothing more than an insensitive illiterate who deserves our scorn and protection rather than laughter and t-shirt money. Dallas fans also hate the homeless and love PT Cruisers. Boom.

4. The Dallas Stars are the reason you didn't get that promotion - Yeah, you know, you work all day in a dead-end job makin' 7 bucks an hour, sweating and bleeding for the man. You tote that barge, lift that bale. It's a bleak outlook. But there's a light at the end of a tunnel; granted, it's a pinhole's width wide, but dammit it's there. You think "man, if I can just show my work ethic, the boss'll take notice and promote me the hell out of here and I'll have a nice cushy desk job. And I'll keep working my way up and eventually, I'll own the company!" Yeah well, it ain't happening. Know why? The Dallas Stars. It just so happens that Steve Ott told your boss that you're a raging homo and you were making advances toward all the rest of the male staff. He said you even tried to shove the water cooler up your ass. So not only did you NOT get that promotion, you were put on unpaid vacation in order to "sort your life out" and "get help." Next thing you know, your wife is leaving you because "you can't deal with your feelings", and she's taking the kids. You know who you have to blame for that? The Dallas Stars. Jeff Woywitka thinks you're a fruitcake too, which is weird, because he doesn't even know you. Nobody really knows who he is either.

Also, your company was also owned by the Dallas Stars, too, somehow. That's why they wanted you to seek psychiatric help for being gay. I mean, who does that? That's hateful.

5. Dallas Stars fans try to hit your children on the sidewalks with their Range Rovers - It's true. We've all seen it. You're walking down the street with your little son or daughter - it's a nice day, not a cloud in the sky. Or maybe you're watching out your window as your little child sells lemonade for 5 cents a cup. You know you're losing money, but you don't care because it's cute. They even got the backwards "e" at the end of the word "lemonade." They even spelled "lemonade" with a "6" in there too, somehow. Maybe your kid's a little slow in the head, I dunno, but whatever, it's still cute. Then all of a sudden, some jacknut driving a Range Rover comes driving down your street at like, 80 MPH. It's all decked out in Stars logos and stickers of Steve Yzerman getting kicked in the face. It has a bumper sticker that says "My other car is a purple PT Cruiser with flames on it". The license plate says "DETSUX" or "1CUP99" or "TOMHICKS" or "DEFAULT". ..."ASSMILK." The driver's up on the curb, talking on their cellphone about how much Detroit sucks an how everyone's bed has a chalk line around it. They smash the shoddy handywork your child was using to hock beverages, leaving nothing but a pile of mulch. Driving away from the scene, the driver sticks their head out the window, displaying their tremendous bald spot (which is very uncommon for a 28-year old woman, but hey, she's a Stars fan) and pockmarked face and shouts "HAHA I KNOCKED OVER YOUR GAY LITTLE STAND. DETROIT SUCKS", which is kind of weird, considering you live in New York. And all Dallas Stars fans do that. All of them.

6. Andrew Raycroft - Nuff said.

7. Dallas Stars' female writers look like dudes - Oh man. You ever see a chick writer who covers the Stars? Not just the professional ones, but the freelance ones too. Holy shit, take a look at those broads. You think my beard is awesome? Look at those bitches. Everyone one of 'em is Al Borland with a vagina. Especially this chick, Sherri Thornhill? Oh my god, dude. WOOF. ARF ARF. BOW WOW. Get this bitch a Milk-Bone. Talk about getting beat about the face with the ugly stick. Except in her case, she looks more like she fell down ten flights of ugly stairs, landed face-first on the ugly nail, got the ugly tetanus shot, walked outside only to be blasted in the face with the ugly flamethrower, got ugly skin-graft surgery with ugly skin, then got kicked in the face with the ugly horseshoe from an ugly horse named Ugly Ugly. Seriously, she does look like she got kicked in the face though. And she has a penis. An ugly penis. With one ball. And enough ugly pubic hair to choke an ugly elephant.

And finally, the last item on our list...

8. Dallas Stars fans eat babies - Their dirtiest secret revealed. In between sessions of pretending fans of any Texas sport are loyal, Stars fans go out, find babies, barbecue them, and eat them. They even eat the diapers. They consider it and its contents as a side dish. And why not? They and their team have been eating shit for years. Seriously, though. Babies. You'd think in a state where beef is king, they'd eat more beef...but no. Babies. Barbecued children. Now you know why they're always trying to run your kids over with those damn Range Rovers. Granted, it's not the cleanest way of taking out your target, but...I mean, I guess people do take home and clean deer that they hit with THEIR car. Except usually, hitting deer is an accident.

The end. Thanks for reading this expose put together by the Beards of War crew. We find it's necessary to counter the outrageous, ridiculous, baseless and hurtful claims of a so-called "writer" with totally true, not made-up, well thought-out, no BS, non-slanderous, non-biased arguments.

HEY WISNIEWSKI, THERE ARE CHILDREN WATCHING.

2010-10-12T15:32:00.000-07:00

Oh hey, remember yesterday during the Rangers/Islanders game when James Wisniewski made a "colorful" gesture to noted douchebag and fashionista Sean Avery? Here it is, in case you live under a cock- er...I mean, a rock.

Ohoho. Wiz, you character. That's not how you eat a push pop! You gotta push it from the bottom. You get more fruity goodness that way. Or maybe he's trying to show Avery how to properly use a Shake Weight. I mean, shit, that thing shreds your forearms. Makes you huge. No, you know what it is? Wiz was doing Santa Claus karaoke. HO HO HO~ HO HO HO. I mean, Sean Avery IS an elf, right? Right?

All kidding aside, the NHL has set the precedent this season that they will crack down on shenanigans. Evil shenanigans, like what Wiz did above. That evil shit will get you benched for two games. However, they're still going to be a little light on "fun" shenanigans. Y'know. Like in the video below:

Boys will be boys! Those kinds of cute things...oh, hockey players. See, that gets a two game suspension as well. So seriously, we must ask ourselves, deep down, we must know..."what the FUCK?!"

I just think it's terrible we're fans of a sport whose main officiating body sees the two events shown above as being equal in terms of discipline. I mean, how do we explain that to our children? How do we explain the motion Wiz was making? I mean, Jesus, when I watch a fucking hockey game with my hypothetical children, when we see someone get flattened by a dirty hit and lay on the ice for minutes while they bleed and lose teeth, we all cheer that as part of the game. That's totally okay. But when I see someone give Sean Avery the business with a dirty gesture, that just tears my fake family apart. The kids cry. The dog barks. The cat pukes. I yell at my wife. She screams at me with her super-high shrill bitch voice. She makes fun of my penis. I tell her her vagina looks like Andre the Giant's armpit. She threatens me with a restraining order and she takes my fake kids out to fake Illinois to live with her fake parents while she "sorts her fake life out." I eventually fall into despair and lose all my money gambling on termite races in a back alley and am forced to support my habit by performing unspeakable acts on traveling salesmen - JUST AS LONG AS I DON'T MIME IT, GOD FORBID.

Look, I get that there are kids watching. I also get that there are adults and parents watching. The NHL is not your fucking babysitter. It's not up to them to explain every little thing to your child; every little questionable thing that MAY show up, every gesture, every word, every hit. It's up to you as a parent to explain and guide and protect your own children. Unless you're a brand new fan or a bandwagoner, you know exactly what to expect when you watch a hockey game, ESPECIALLY when it's between two old rivals. You expect fights, violence, and a bit of unsportsmanlike conduct. It's hockey for Christ's sake. If you sit down with your kids to watch a game, YOU have to be the parent. If you don't feel up to the challenge, either a.) don't be a parent, or b.) change the channel.

Think about this; which would you rather have your child "re-enacting"? Mimicking a blowjob? Or would you rather have them running kids from behind and breaking their foreheads open? Jesus, I can't even believe Wiz's gesture was somehow "more offensive" or "more detrimental" than Nick Boynton's throat slash. Oh well. Welcome to America, where the mere prospect of sexual activity is far more dangerous than actually hurting a guy. Can you imagine if Wiz had flashed his sack or mimed cupping the balls during his gesture? Oh man.

Let it be known, I'm not a Wisniewski fan. He's a bit of a shitbag, and I was of this opinion long before yesterday. Let it also be known I hate Chicago (if you've never read BoW before....by the way, I use bad language too. Hide your kids). If you think Wiz should've been suspended, but not Hjalmarsson, you're insane. And weird. And I don't like you. Seriously, where are your priorities? I mean personally, not thinking about the NHL. But if you think both guys should've been suspended, that's fine. I personally am of the opinion that at most, Wiz should've gotten a 10-minute misconduct. But that's just me. I'm not a new hockey fan. I know what to expect.

However, Hjalmarsson ran a guy from behind. That causes injuries. That causes careers to be put in jeopardy. Marc Savard? Anyone? Oh yeah. Matt Cooke didn't get punished for that. Probably because he didn't shout "PENIS!" as he crushed Savard's brain in.

But Christ, you guys. If Hjalmarsson and Wisniewski are both going to be suspended, you've got to suspend Hjalmarsson for longer. I thought the league was trying to stop that shit. 5 games. 7 games. 10 games. But TWO? Laughable disciplinary practices. Feels like older fans are being alienated for the new baby fans. Y'know. Bandwagoners. Most hockey fans aren't going to be offended by a hummer gesture as much as they're going to be offended by watching a star player get taken out by a dirty hit.

The last thing I will say: I don't give one single piece of hairy dog shit if Hjalmarsson isn't a repeat offender. That doesn't change what he did. I don't care if he "didn't mean to do it." I also "didn't mean to" knock part of my roommate's hookah off the kitchen counter. But does that fix it? No. It's still fucking broken. And so is Pominville's face. And so is the NHL's disciplinary system.

2010-10-12T14:39:00.000-07:00

Godspeed, Malts.

Chicago's Bullshit Banner Thing Ruined by FUCKIN' CHRIS OSGOOD

2010-10-09T20:34:00.000-07:00

Tonight, the Blackhawks treated their fans to the raising of their first Stanley Cup banner in 50 years (or for their fans....uh, actually, this is probably the first game they've ever seen), and here's the breakdown of it.

The game was scheduled to take place at 8:30 PM on October 9, 2010. However, that's when the banner raising ceremony started. When the actual hockey game took place, it was actually 450 years into the future, where people teleport everywhere and the cow has been replaced by a miraculous animal that provides a nice filet that contains loads of flavor, yet no fat. Also, it tastes like bacon.

Of course, I'm roughly estimating the amount of time that passed. It's probable that the ceremony was so damn long that time eventually circled back and we've gone back to a time where Chris Osgood is ridiculously solid in net. Or maybe we went forward in time to a point where there is no Chris Osgood, but rather a lifelike cyborg Chris Osgotron 3000, programmed to be the most solid goaltender you've ever seen, all while giving up an obligatory soft goal (to match its namesake.)

I'm still not sure if I watched an actual hockey game or some sort of hologram that was shot into my memory with a laser beam because I pushed a button.

Flip scored first off a beautiful pass from Franzen. Then Brent Seabrook (complete with Crosbyesque pubic facial hair) scores on the powerplay with like, a half second to go. Osgotron couldn't stop it because the Cleary hologram wasn't paying attention.

The refs were very lifelike because of the abundance of missed calls on the Chicago team, and also the needless video review on Bertuzzibot's goal. Or maybe he was a hologram too. I wonder why they wouldn't rebuild his teeth....anyway, then some Hawk scored and nobody cared. Then Filppula had another goal where he went to pass and it went through Marty Turco's pads. That was fucking terrible. I don't think that was a hologram, I think that was 485 year old Marty Turco failing to make the easiest stop.

Oh yeah, and we totally got outshot. 28 to 26.

So yeah. That's what happened. ....I still don't know what year it is. All I know is we ruined their stupid banner party and the Hawks fans got all quiet and sad. Now they can go back to not giving a shit about hockey, like they didn't two years ago.

BANDWAGON.

Anaheim Dicks at YOUR MIGHTY DETROIT RED WINGS - 10/8/10

2010-10-08T16:04:00.000-07:00

Oh hey. I didn't see you there. Quit hiding behind the door and come in, the game's about to start. I got some potato chips...and...some handcu- uh...sandwiches.

So after the longest summer in what seems like decades (check the facts: this year's offseason was a staggering 648 days long), real legitimate hockey is BACK in the state of Michigan. The Red Wings are all set to open the season tonight at home against Corey Perry - Licensed Douchebag and Ryan Getzlaf's bald spot. After an offseason in which Anaheim lost their best defenseman, will they be able to overcome Detroit's newfound UBER depth?

I mean, shit, Detroit's been a deep team for 25 years, but this is arguably the deepest they've been in the salary cap era. We got Mike Modano, dammit.

Beards of War feels it necessary to kick off the season in style, with a live/unlive blog - sort of like what we did with the NHL Awards. We'll record our thoughts here and post the entire shebang when the game's over. Of course, we'll probably tweet a shit ton during the game too (for the inevitable terrible reffing decisions, and also how creeped out we are about the headless Ovechkin commercial), just so you know we're alive.

Also, we promise to stop referring to ourselves collectively; it's only one guy. And he's a dick.

Now without further adieu....Ducks at Wings: THE LIVE/UNLIVE BLOG!

Pregame Comments:

Kronwall's glasses in that pregame segment were Waldotastic.
Mike Modano looks REALLY good in red.
I really missed Jiri Hudler too. HATERS GONNA HATE, I still love ya, Happy.
Pregame ceremonies! Hey, check out Eaves' and Miller's hair.
Mike Modano getting the loudest ovation in the pregame introduction (a little louder than Lidstrom, I'd say.)
It's time for RED WINGS HOCKEY AAAHHHHH

1st Period:

0:00 - Ducks win opening faceoff, but miss it. It flies all the way back behind their net. Because they're stupid.
0:34 - I was not aware Jason Blake still played hockey. I could've sworn he melted.
1:52 - Modano cheered as he touches the puck. Everyone loves this guy...and his wife.
2:20 - Why does Larry Murphy not look drunk? He's not ready for opening night.
3:50 - Holmstrom interfered with, knocked down; no call. Good to see the refs are ready for opening night.
4:27 - Ryan Getzlaf is still a dickbag. A BALDING dickbag.
5:11 - BEAUTIFUL passing and Franzen SCOOOOREEESSS~ Jesus. Terrible angle shot off a beautiful pass and he STILL buries it.
5:35 - MIKE MODANO SCORES!!!! Sacrifice pass from Cleary, Modano doesn't miss. First game as a Wing, he scores, place goes NUTS!
7:40 - Getzlaf goes to hit Flip, Flip hits back, knocks Getz on his ass. Love it.
9:08 - Ducks being called for a penalty, finally. Probably not that near-board Andy Sutton gave to Brad Stuart, though. Probably something cheaper.
9:08 - Nope, high-sticking against Bobby Ryan. Meh.
9:08 - Also, just heard about the Ondrej Pavelec situation in Atlanta...whoa. That's very very scary. Hope he's okay.
10:00 - Yikes. Really great chance by Datsyuk after a beautiful pass, but Hiller blocks it.
11:08 - Anaheim kills off the penalty. Good chances, though.
11:24 - Pavs gives the puck up (eek), but Jimmah saves the day with a glove save.
13:56 - I didn't know Cam Fowler grew up in Michigan. Neat. Also, Corey Perry still sucks.
15:15 - Ducks bringing the pressure now. Jimmah standing tall. Wings' defensive play still looking good - lots of takeaways.
18:47 - Getzlaf and Perry attempting to dogpile Jim Howard after the whistle. Fuck those two. Douchebags. Getz giving trashtalk to the Wings' bench; don'cha know the new C on Getz's jersey stands for "cunt"? Cuz it does.
20:00 - Still 2-0 Wings. Getzlaf's hairline is still receding. Corey Perry is still a fuckstick.

2nd Period:

0:00 - Ducks win faceoff, but catch it this time. Douchers.
1:07 - Matt Beleskey with a shot right at Jim's wheel, catches it easy. He's solid so far...doesn't look shaky at all. Good sign.
2:00 - Three on one with Pavs, Lids, and Homer....Lids' pass to Pavel bounced way high. Damn. That was a quality chance.
2:30 - Ducks with all sorts of interference and holding on Modano, no call. Figures.
5:35 - PAVEL SCOOOOORES! Wow. 5-hole. Right through Hiller's balls. El-kabong.
6:54 - Brendan Mikkelson with a brilliant move....but Howard stops it. Awesome!
10:30 - Ryan Getzlaf still sucks. Hey Kronwall, how about Kronwalling that guy?
12:00 - LOL. Ducks #23 getting away with ridiculous amounts of interference. Schmuck. Refs.
13:04 - PAVEL DANGLING! DAAANGLING! HE'S HOOKED....no call. Refs. OH, here comes the bitch Ducks. Salei vs. Sutton, Brookbank vs. Datsyuk, and Corey Perry cheapshotting the bench (and Hudler....what the fuck?). Fuck that guy.
13:04 - Perry gets 10 for misconduct. Sutton 2 for roughing. Salei 2 for roughing. Holmstrom 10 for misconduct. Bullshit. Homer shouldn't have got anything. Getzlaf should've been in the box for unsportsmanlike.
16:05 - Cleary (and puck) slam past Hiller into the net. They wave it off (of course). I wouldn't count it though, goalie couldn't make the save, really. Shouldn't be a minor penalty though. Net is *slightly* off before puck goes in. They're going to review.
16:05 - HOLY LORD IT COUNTED. WHAT?! Wow. I'm stunned. Awesome. Wow. Makes up for all the terrible blown calls so far this game. CLEARY GOAL! 4-0 Wings.
19:00 - Jimmy is standing fucking tall tonight, ladies and gents. He is ON. Wings in midseason form tonight, I love it. They're not fucking around.
20:00 - 4-0 Wings after two periods. Also seeing reports of Atlanta goalie Ondrej Pavelec being conscious and his vital signs are normal. Good to hear, that was scary for sure.

3rd Period:

0:00 - Missed the first faceoff because I was making a really bad Toni Lydman/Foreigner joke. Sue me.
1:40 - I swear, there's only been like, one actual non-offsetting penalty call this game. Which is weird, considering how dirty Anaheim is.
7:15 - It's really hard to type little things when there's no break.
7:31 - Anaheim (Getzlaf, namely) with some REALLY cheap shit on Zetterberg. Perry tries to fight Datsyuk - AND HE OBLIGES! AND WHIPS PERRY'S ASS! AND GETS THE TAKEDOWN! DATSYUKIAN DECKS! This is the greatest game fucking ever.
8:35 - 42 minutes of penalties...only two power plays. That's fucking hilarious. Ducks are scumbags.
10:07 - Parros with a 10 minute misconduct and a 2 for roughing. I guess the Ducks are just gonna be cheap the rest of the game instead of actually playing hockey. Go back to the LNAH, you losers.
12:03 - Homer to the box for the first Duck PP of the game (I think). Probably a bad call. I missed it, haha. Whatever. Getzlaf back on the ice. Everything looks a bit more AIDS-y.
12:45 - Yow. I don't know how Howard stopped that Selanne shot. Skill.
13:45 - Cleary with a shorthanded breakaway, has puck poked away by Visnovsky. Surprised he didn't get fucking tackled. Visnovsky showing some restraint, I guess.
16:23 - Brad Stuart and Brookbank going at it. Ducks don't care about hockey anymore. Cheap shots after every whistle. Wings answering the bell, though. You gotta love it! Also Jimmy Howard facewashing Corey Perry. God damn. You GOTTA LOVE IT. He had a total look of anger while doing it. Angry Jimmy is a scary, scary thing. Bobby Ryan in the box for being a dicknubbin.
17:01 - Ducks being called for too many men. Hahahahaha. Jesus Christ. Try to suck a little harder. 5 on 3 for Detroit for another 1:22.
17:30 - Bertuzzi getting hooked, Ducks getting ANOTHER penalty. This is the best game ever. God, Anaheim fucking sucks.
18:30 - Anaheim still sucking. They really don't care anymore. Corey Perry's a bitch.
20:00 - It's over! No cheap shots after the whistle...wow.

Postgame Comments:

WHAT A GAME!!!
Jim-Jam Howard kicks off the season in style with a SHUTOUT of the disgustingly cheap Anaheim Ducks...and also gives bitch-ass Corey Perry a facewash.
Pavel Datsyuk with a Gordie Howe Hat Trick. Who knew Pavel could fight? We do now. And so does bitch-ass Corey Perry.
Mike Modano scores his first goal as a Wing. Building went nuts, and Mike Modano looked like the N64 kid. He looked THAT happy.
Ryan Getzlaf is a cunt.
Corey Perry is a bitch.
Refs, that Cleary goal doesn't make up for ALL the shit you do to us, but it's a nice start.

That's all for now. What a game! Can't wait for tomorrow night. Can't wait to see our boys kick some Blackhawk ass and ruin their stupid banner ceremony.

Until next time.

On Classless Fans

2010-09-24T11:18:00.000-07:00

You know what, just once, in a hockey discussion, I'd love for someone NOT to bring up Michigan's economy as a tool for insult. That's low, not to mention we can't really help it.

You'll see it everywhere online, and sometimes even in person - go to any message board where Wings hate is the standard, and you will inevitably see some idiot spewing his crap about how no Wings fans have jobs or all of the buildings in Detroit are burned out and full of crack dealers.

First of all, this has nothing to do with hockey, and it's a total cheap shot. It'd be like going to see the new Wall Street movie as a film critic, and in your review, you say the movie sucks because Michael Douglas has cancer.

Secondly, do I *need* to mention Cabrini-Green?

Unfortunately, these idiots that say this stuff have no ammo for the topic at hand. Pittsburgh and Chicago hockey "fans" are notoriously dumb when it comes to hockey; that's why you'll only hear derisive name chants and "Detroit sucks" in addition to the shameful vitriol about Michigan's dire straits.

Fans of other teams have said it before, but it's nowhere near as concentrated and frequent as it is from the mouths and fingers of Kane lovers and Crosby lovers.

I'd hazard a guess that nearly everyone who reads this in Michigan knows someone who has lost a job or a business in the last 5 years. I do. Even if it's not in your immediate family, surely you know someone who was affected, especially if they worked in the automotive business. Honest, hard-working, blue collar people who could work forever are out of a job because of things like their division shutting down to cut costs for the business...or maybe they make too much money.

Is this something to be made fun of?

No one stops to think of what those families have to go through. Some are forced to go out and apply for every job under the sun - some they're not even really qualified for - and possibly have to take multiple jobs just to cover the basic costs of living.

Forced to move out of their homes because they can't afford it. Kids put in foster homes. Parents living in the streets. The buildings falling into disrepair.

Why is THIS where these morons have to go to try and get under our skin? As I said before, that's just low, and really should never be dignified with a reaction. For God's sake, it's hockey; it's ultimately a child's game. I'm all for smacktalk, but come on. If you've nothing relevant to say, then kindly shut the fuck up.

If you really want to bring up financial hardships and empty buildings, then I'll bring up how empty Mellon Arena was only 6 years ago, and how the Pens were almost moved. Or how about I bring up the emptiness of the United Center...even THREE years ago?

Of course, these won't hit that close to home; we're attacking the team, and not the fans. And we're attacking the hockey portion, not their actual lives outside of the sport. Granted, I don't have high hopes for fans of either of those teams, but I thought MAYBE...maybe you were better human beings than that.

Guess not.

Apparently, Empty Gestures Are Now More Dangerous Than Kneeing a Guy

2010-09-23T16:30:00.000-07:00

So yesterday, pre-season hockey started. Hooray! But the Wings lost. Boo. 5-1. To the Crosbys. As if that weren't bad enough, noted douchebag Brooks "Future Child Rapist/Current General Douchebag" Orpik attempted to put Johan Franzen out for a long, long time with a dangerous knee-on-knee hit in the first period while his team led 3-0. Gutless? Yes, but we shouldn't expect anything else from a team with Sidney Crosby as its captain. When Todd Bertuzzi came to Franzen's defense, he got kicked out of the game as well (misconduct loolol). Of course, Orpik got a game misconduct as well, AND a five minute major...

...but does he get anything else in terms of supplemental discipline? After all, it was a dangerous, stupid, calculated hit that could've resulted in serious injury - especially on a player with a history with those sorts of problems (and a freshly repaired ACL).

Prediction: No. Because he's a Penguin. Never mind the fact that Franzen's out at least three more preseason games because of it. As per usual, the NHL is looking at the result rather than the action.

This is incredibly stupid. It's like saying, "Well, you shot this guy's mom in the face, but the bullet only went through her cheek instead of her brain, so we're not going to take action against you." A stupid reckless play is a stupid reckless play. And Brooks Orpik is a giant piece of crap. Not that cool white 70s dog poop - but a fresh steaming wet pile left by a fat guy in your living room after he spent the night eating cabbage and drinking rotten milk and Japanese rice wine.

During the Halfhawks/Yzermans match that night as well, Chicago "defense" "man" Nick Boynton attempted to catch TB forward Chris Durno with a knee-on-knee hit. Fortunately, Durno got right back up, but Blair Jones still kicked the shit out of Boynton for being a fuckbag. Take a looksee!

The hit occurs real early in the video (check the slo-mo version at around 0:48 as well), then we see Jones just pummel the living bejebus out of Boynton. Then, in typical Chicago fan fashion, starts talking even more shit and gives a throat-slash gesture (I prefer Chris Benoit's version myself) to Jones in the box, and backs it up by saying "you're fucking dead."

Haha, oh, typical Chicago. You get your ass beat and still talk shit. You jokers.

But here's where the story gets weird. Boynton got a one-game suspension. For that gesture. Not for the KNEE...but for making a motion to a guy who just kicked his ass.

Thank God. Thank God we don't have to deal with that beast. Going around making gestures, putting all of our children in danger with empty threats...the NHL really hit the nail on the head with this one. I can just imagine Gary Bettman sitting in his office, trying to put his little legs up on his desk...leaning back, and smoking a bubble pipe. He says "BOYS...we took a stand here today. We said that we, as a league, will tolerate dangerous injury-intending hits like Matt Cooke's, Doug Murray's, and Brooks Orpik's...but we will NOT stand idly by while maniacs like Nick Boynton flail their hands around at opponents from 15 away. THIS WILL NOT STAND."

And the chirping? Who chirps at opponents? What is this, hockey?!

Hear that, NHL? You guys can kill each other and cheap shot each other all you want, but by God, if you tell the guy beforehand, you are gonna get it from the Wheel of Discipline...maybe.

Ass.

Fillerfest Continues - My Short YouTube "Conversation" with a Stupid Hawks "Fan"

2010-09-13T12:16:00.000-07:00

No hockey and no pucks make Beards of War something something....

You might recall one of the two CHIdenfreude videos posted on this blog earlier this summer. Suffice it to say, they got some real funny/butthurt reactions from the Chicago community who were convinced and overly confident that despite the utter gutting of their team, they would not only finish ahead of Detroit in the standings, but would also repeat as Cup champs.

No seriously, you can't make this up.

Anyway, last month, one of them felt compelled to let me know how he felt via channel comment.

mylogix said:

you are a fucking idiot, i think you are just pissed off that hockey's best architect (scotty bowman) is now on the side of the chicago blackhawks. and all that is left in your peice of shit city is some abandoned car factories and trailer parks. suck it

Now, one's first reaction might be:

...which he obviously is. But really, he's right. All of our problems with Chicago fans lie with jealousy. Obviously, we are just "haters", regarding Scotty Bowman and ONLY Scotty Bowman. I had to reply to this guy with a healthy dose of smarm:

ModernExplorer (me) wrote:

Thank you for the compliment!

First of all, thanks for keeping it classy with your comments about Detroit. You're a credit to your fanbase. Though I'd like to inform you that I don't actually live in Detroit Proper, although I've been there a number of times. I'm not sure to which area of the city you refer to, since the downtown area where Joe Louis Arena is located is actually a pretty nice place to be. Y'know, nice buildings. Shopping. Eateries. Also, you seemed to be misinformed; there actually are no trailer parks located in the City of Detroit. That's more of a Downriver thing.

Second of all, I'd like to remind you that Scotty Bowman is not an "architect", he was never the General Manager of Chicago OR Detroit; he only coached the players that were there, and the only team he WAS the GM of was the Buffalo Sabres. And I'd like to remind you that he never coached in Chicago and his position within that organization is strictly for show and has no actual power. In reality, his son is the only one with power and is pretty fucked over at the moment because of the last guy.

But I do thank you for your input on my videos and the city in which my team plays. Your words have been noted and thrown out.

mylogix replied:

ahh, if you really believe what you said about scotty then sir, i am finished with you. with his experience, if you think he isn't playing a big role in chicago helping his son, then you are a fucking idiot. oh and im sorry for not keeping it classy, you set the bar so high in your shitty little video. and if you think the hawks are fucked, you should look at your own washed up team who mostly have passed their prime. oops i forgot you signed madano, good luck with that.

ModernExplorer wrote:

Dear Raving Lunatic:

So you agree with me! Scotty Bowman is a figurehead in Chicago. His position has no actual power, he's there for "motivation" for his son? Except you're also forgetting he was taken aboard prior to his son's hiring as GM. Don't forget that.

Secondly, why the name calling? Are you upset about something? I can't imagine why in the world you w- oh. Never mind. That was my bad.

Thirdly, you're forgiven. You're right, I am a classy fellow. I apologize (not) if you took offense to my "shitty little" video (which is a large video, in terms of size), but the fact of the matter remains everything in it is true! Your inability to handle the truth is cute. Unfortunately, it would seem that you've never been to Detroit or anywhere near in order to make your observations. Maybe you should come take a visit. Wear your Hawks jersey. I promise you won't lose an arm.

Finally, yes yes, I've heard that all before - the Red Wings are "old" and "washed up"....geez, it seems they've been that way for the nearly two decades, and yet, in spite of this, they've managed to continue to have winning seasons; y'know, Presidents Trophies, divisional wins, and Stanley Cups.

And really, if you want to discuss washed up - your team signed Hugh Jessiman. Your point is moot.

P.S. Isn't it amazing how we were able to land Mike Modano? We're all TOTALLY looking for about 100 points out of him this season. Think we can do it?

Honestly? Am I the only one who wasn't expecting Mike Modano to lead the league in scoring when Ken Holland signed him to be the THIRD-LINE CENTER?

Oh, Chicago fans. Though you have sex with your cousins, you still amuse me.

I Got Your Back, Dan Ellis

2010-09-07T18:58:00.000-07:00

(For a quick recap and probably the best-written and better-researched article on this shituation, click me.)

Hey, Dan Ellis. I got your back. I mean, you don't know who I am, and that's fine. All I'm saying is I totally get where you were coming from when you were talking about how much it sucks when your paycheck gets divvied up like, eight million ways.

I mean, I'm not a millionaire. Hell, my last actual paying job was doing third-shift stock duty for $7.25 an hour. But after tax and shit, I only ended up making like, 5.50 an hour. And stocking is a pain in the ass, man. Especially if you gotta like, unload skids of fuckin' dog food and cat litter. Big 50, 60 pound bags? That shit is hard, and I'm out of shape. I wanted that full $7.25! I didn't want to pay bullshit taxes that had nothing to do with me, not with how hard I worked. I mean, we didn't have escrow, but if we did, that'd suck even worse.

I lost a buck and a half off my paycheck and I hated it. Imagine losing a MILLION bucks.

And being a goaltender is much harder than being a stockboy...I imagine. I mean, I never sweat off 15 pounds for a night's work (though I could stand to).

One's ONLY reaction to what Ellis said should be "Oh yeah, that DOES suck."

But no. The Twitterverse went crazy. And honestly, a little dickheaded.

Twitter personalities we've loved for their snarkiness suddenly looked like angry children insecure with their own meager earnings (or God knows what else). A little sensitive, are we? Much was made of Dan Ellis supposedly comparing his life to cops and firefighters...except he never actually did that.

"If you don't make a lot of money, you won't understand."

"Just like I wouldn't understand how cops or firefighters risk their lives."

You see, it's a comparison of the lack of understanding; not job responsibility. Dan Ellis never said a damn thing about how he risks his life or his job carries a lot of societal significance. He's not that big of an ass.

But as quoted in the CWGAP article, Buddy Oakes said it best. Yeah, $500,000 is a nice chunk of change, but he's losing two-thirds of his paycheck before he sees any of it. And that sucks. Imagine losing two-thirds of YOUR check. Would I dare tell you to shut up because someone makes less than THAT?

The hashtags and the personal attacks were ridiculous and uncalled for. I'm all for poking fun and having a laugh, but I also abide by what Wil Wheaton says: "Don't be a dick." A great number of people were being dicks.

I get that money is a sensitive issue, but again, I don't see where animosity was at all necessary. Maybe it's just me, but I didn't even feel like I was supposed to get offended by what he said, because I thought he was right. Maybe it's just that I don't really ever get offended.

Bottom line is this: If you lost 67% of your paycheck (and then some), it'd suck. No matter how much you make. And if you disagree, you're an idiot.

The end.

Huet to Europe is Total Fucking Bullshit, and so are the NHL's Recent Cap Related Shenanigans

2010-08-25T12:31:00.000-07:00

HEY. You know what's a circumvention of a salary cap? Paying an elite-caliber player an exorbitant amount of money that eventually trickles down to peanuts by the time he hits age 44 (with a $6 million cap hit all the while).

You know what's NOT a circumvention of the salary cap? Paying a mediocre-caliber aging goalie an exorbitant amount of money, deciding he isn't worth it (though he's still capable of actually playing), knowing you can't afford "better players" if he stays on your payroll, so you dump him on some stupid Swiss team.

No, that's not a fucking circumvention at all.

"Oh shit, if we have this guy on our payroll, we'll actually have to PAY him the fucking money we INTENDED to when we signed him to this horseshit contract!"

"But MY GOD, if we buy him out, we're going to have to face a $1.875 million cap hit for two more years!"

"HOW THE FUCK CAN WE GET OUT OF THIS ONE!? I KNOW, LET'S FUCKING DUMP HIM IN SWITZERLAND! MWAHAHAHA."

Seriously?

It's getting around obligations that you made for the simple reason of "we don't want to pay you that much money, even though that's what we signed you to because we're stupid." Whoops. You got yourself in a jam of your own volition now you're trying to save your ass by dumping a perfectly able body on someone else.

As for Kovalchuk, I agree his contract was circumvention, but should've stood for two reasons: one is that the NHL allowed similar contracts through (though not as egregious), therefore setting a precedent that circumvention was more or less OK, depending on what team you are (coughChicago)

Number two was the arbiter's declaration (and assumption) that it was rare/impossible for him to play that long.

It's not impossible. He's in pretty good shape and not really injury prone. Playing that long is rare, yes, but your judgment can't be based on an assumption. There's no proof he can't play until he's 44 or even 50.

Seriously, what makes one think that Ilya Kovalchuk can't play til he's 44, but that Marian Hossa can play until age 43? Nearly $8 million a season for 7 more seasons, then a $4 million season, then four $1 million seasons? So if Kovalchuk's contract ended at age 43, it'd be OK? Where's the line?

Typical NHL. Picking and choosing, just like with discipline. If Kovalchuk was attempting to re-sign with a team like Pittsburgh or Chicago (hey, there's a team I haven't mentioned in this post at all yet), you could guarantee he could be offered a 50-year contract with ten straight $10 million seasons (but with a $1 million cap hit) and the NHL would be full of patronizing prasie of "EXCELLENT CAP MANAGEMENT GUYZ LOLOL".

Some teams are more equal than others.

Red Wings Sign Highest Scoring Belarusian Player in NHL History!

2010-08-09T14:05:00.001-07:00

OH MAN. So just days after securing the services of the highest scoring American in NHL history (one Michael Q. Modano), Ken Holland has done it again, signing the HIGHEST SCORING PLAYER FROM BELARUS...EVER. What privileged fans are we, with this magnificent management, who can watch our team acquire two of the greatest players to ever lace up skates?

That's right, the legendary Ruslan Salei is now a Detroit Red Wing.

That's okay, I'll give you a minute to mop up the bodily fluids that just spewed forth from your every orifice.

Ruslan Salei. Belarus' ALL-TIME LEADING NHL SCORER. Holy living shit.

He's a scoring FORCE, scoring 194 points in almost 900 career games. Oh my GOD, HOW LUCKY ARE WE? Suck on THAT, Sergei Kostitsyn! Eat BALLS, Andrei Kostitsyn! You're balding and you look like Friar Tuck.

That said, can you believe we can afford to have this magnificent player on the THIRD DEFENSIVE PAIRING? HOW LUCKY ARE WE?!

THE GUY'S A LEGEND! Plus, look what I found on the WIKIPEDIA. Salei apparently scored 100 goals at the 2000 World Ice Hockey Championships.

Thanks, Wikipedia. You've never lied to me.

Mike Modano - What REALLY Happened

2010-08-06T11:49:00.000-07:00

As everyone knows by now, Mike Modano has signed with his hometown Detroit Red Wings for one final run at hockey's ultimate prize. After 20 years with the same organization that drafted him and helped him become the amazing player he was, he was shown the door. A bit of a dick move just because he's 40, but if you think about it, playing with the Dallas Stars last year, he scored 14 goals in 30 points in 59 games. That's slightly better than a point every two games. Not bad for a guy his age, I'd say.

America's all-time leading scorer may be 40 years old, but he's coming now to the Detroit bloody Red Wings to play center between Dan Cleary and the returning Jiri Hudler. If Mike can play 70 games, it would be stupid to think he couldn't get 40 or more points, maybe even 50. I mean, Jiri Hudler had 57 points his last season here. And HE bangs hookers!

His signing with Detroit was a point of contention with some Red Wings fans, but I think we can all agree now that the team will Willa Ford's boobs Willa Ford's ass Willa Ford's boobs Willa Ford's ass.

But what about what happened with Minnesota and San Jose? After Modano announced it was either "Detroit or retirement", the Sharks and Wild reportedly approached him about signing. The Sharks were in a warm climate and were in prime position for Mo to take one final run at a second round playoff exit.

The Wild wanted him for novelty purposes only. If Mo wanted to go back to the state where he started his pro career, it would be in Minnesota. Of course, Mo would be golfing by the second week of April, but OMG NOSTALGIA RITE?!

And then we later found out that there was no real contact between those teams and Modano before he made his ultimate decision with the Red Wings, right? Well, that, my friends, is a half-truth. Beards of War has obtained this exclusive footage of how Mike Modano ended up selecting to join the Detroit Red Wings for a run at number 12:

'atta boy, Mo. 'atta boy.

Turco is Heartbreak: A CHIdenfreude Addendum

2010-08-02T17:24:00.000-07:00

Those of you that know me know that my goalie mancrush is Marty Turco. It's hard to explain, really. For years, he was my favorite goaltender not in the Detroit system. I guess it was the way he played the puck, or maybe it's the fact that he attended the University of Michigan (GO BLUE). He's just an all-around smart goaltender. Or maybe it's because he's SO DREAMY....okay, maybe not.

I was pretty damn giddy when my college roommate informed me his dad knew several Dallas Stars personally, INCLUDING one Marty Turco. For Christmas, I received a personal autographed photo from the man himself, as you can see right there. To this day, I have it on my entertainment center, overlooking me as I type this out.

And since he was in Dallas, it meant I could cheer for him. I mean, they had Mike Modano too, and he's a Michigan guy...plus, his wife his hot. They weren't in the division, they weren't necessarily a heated rival, and they weren't Chicago. But that all changed this morning...

...Marty Turco broke my heart by signing with...the Blackhawks.

And that picture, I can't look at without becoming depressed. As a Marty Turco fan AND a Red Wings fan, this is very conflicting. On one hand, I really want Marty to succeed. On the other hand, he's in fucking CHICAGO. On one hand, he's 35 years old and doesn't have a lot of time left to win a Stanley Cup, which I would love desperately for him to do. ...on the other hand, he's in fucking CHICAGO, where the only run they're poised to make is the one where they narrowly avoid being a lottery team.

And yes, I know all about his terrible record against Detroit. And I do love that Chicago will undoubtedly suck against the Red Wings this year (and the rest of the league in general), but I don't love the fact that it comes at the expense of one of my favorite players in the game stuck behind enemy lines.

It sucks.

WHY couldn't he have taken the Philadelphia offer? They're not even in our conference. At least I don't outright despise the Flyers. AND they didn't lose a good number of their important players. But no. He had to go to Chicago.

Marty. You offered me 'best wishes.' These are my worst wishes; one of my most favorite players on one of my least favorite teams. I can't offer my best wishes for you to win, and I can't hope you lose every game you're in. I can't do anything. I'm conflicted.

In any event, I'll just let this digital short do the talking for me. It's much more amusing than my morose Droopyesque lamenting, plus it's dripping with CHIdenfreude. Enjoy!

History Will Be Made - An Effortless "Repost"

2010-07-28T17:01:00.000-07:00

Since it's July, there's not a lot going on hockeywise. You may have notice with the big, long break I've unexpectedly taken from blogging. It's really kind of a pain in the ass when you want to write but have nothing to write about. So in an effort to make myself look busy, I've decided to just post a bunch of YouTube videos I did before the birth of Beards of War.

Remember the "History Will Be Made" promos put out by the NHL last season? Awesome, weren't they? Gamebreaking moments, gamebreaking players. Moments that go down in NHL history, mostly for the good. But in addition to the ones put out by the NHL, there were also some brilliant fan creations...and some bad fan creations. Ones that pushed the boundaries of actual legendary moments and descended mostly into obvious fanboyism.

And then there were guys like me; the assholes. So without further a-doo-doo, I present..."Beards of War's History WON'T Be Made"!

#1: Martin Havlat

Heh. Remember this hit from two years ago? Oh man. The check heard 'round the world....or at least through the 300 or so miles from Detroit to the other side of Lake Michigan. The Hawks fans cried foul, and the refs bought it and Kronwall was given the rest of the night off, which was bullcrap. Despite its punishing nature, this was a clean hit.

^ see? Clean. Keep your head up, kids!

STUPID COMMENT:

Okay. First of all, if you think "History Will Be Made" applies only to the current season, you're an idiot. Secondly, a career backup explodes in the playoffs and gets his team within two games of the Stanley Cup, and not only that, has better stats than the goalie that ends up winning...but you say he's "third string" and "worse than junior goalies"? Seriously, kid? I'm all for smack talk, but that's just stupid. Don't forget, your stupid team drafted the son of a bitch. Niemi's never played in the playoffs, and you don't hesitate to call him a legend. Chicago fans are fucking idiots.

#2: Bryan McCabe

Okay...this one is actually my least favorite, mostly because I couldn't find the right kind of video...but I tried, dammit! The others I could've picked from had terrible quality or were letterboxed into oblivion.

I HAD to make this one though, because I had to razz the Leafs fans. Bryan McCabe. I can't believe how much you paid this guy to score own goals. That's tragic.

No stupid comments on this one.

#3: The Fonz

Yeah yeah, I know. The Fonz never played in the NHL. But he could have if he wanted to. Then again, distancewise, the closest team he could play for would've been the Hawks...and The Fonz doesn't associate with losers.

Except Potsie.

Anyway, the main reason I made this one was to sort of break the monotony...why NOT do it for something other than hockey? What IF The Fonz weren't so cool? Would he have fallen into the shark tank? No. Probably not. Probably because no one would've towed him on a rope. They'd have been like "Why are you wearing a leather jacket while water skiing? What are you, some kind of smart guy?"

Also, if you didn't know, this one was put in a Puck Daddy post (which explained the sudden jump in views from like, 6 to 2,500 in one night). Hooray!

No stupid comments. There's only one, and it's nice.

#4: "Babydick" Sidney Crosby

Oh my GOD, this one sent the Pens fans out in droves. They weren't very happy at me for this one. Then again, they're all complete idiots so it's not like I care. Another gem from the 2009 finals, Wings fans will remember Johan Franzen with a fairly weak check that sent Sidney Crosby gasping and crying and whining to the bench for the remainder of the game (which, by the way, didn't stop him from running out and military pressing the Cup and skating around like Baryshnikov's gay sister).

Pens fans were quick to remind me that the Penguins did end up winning the Stanley Cup. I acknowledge this sad fact of history, but it still doesn't change the fact that through the final series, Sidney Crosby was a no-show and did absolutely nothing to contribute to his team. For Christ's sake, Justin Abdelkader had more goals than he did, and he's a fourth-liner.

Not to mention in general, he's a gigantic vagina, whiner, diver, and horrible example of a captain in the National Hockey League.

Let's face it. None of the Penguins players stood out in the final series. You could probably say the same about Detroit's players. The fact it went 7 games shows it was a defensive struggle both ways. But the numbers don't lie; Crosby sucked. The Penguins fans will not acknowledge this, and instead only respond with "HUR CROSBY'S ON THE CUP" as if this is the ultimate trump card to any hockey argument. Jay Pandolfo's on three Cups, dude. Does this mean he's thrice the player Crosby is? And I'll remind you guys like Maltby, Draper, and McCarty? Lidstrom? Holmstrom? Yeah, they've got four. Does this mean they're four times the player Crosby is?

Hint: Yes.

Pens fans represent the lowest of the low in terms of hockey intelligence. Blindly following the team only since it started winning, refusing to budge on any notion that their players are infallible. They're absolutely useless in any hockey conversation that precedes the year 2007 (just like Hawks fans), or in any conversation that isn't "how great Sidney Crosby is." They serve as a warning against drinking while pregnant, and should always wear helmets in public so we know who they are (assuming we're deaf and can't hear the incessant YEA CROSBY YEAAA cheers emanating from them at any given second).

Stupid comments for this one are great and many, so I'll have a hard time picking a couple out to make fun of.

I can't read this. I'm trying, and I just can't understand it. These kids should be paying more attention in school instead of trying to argue on the internet. As for the last point, I don't know if consecutive 2-1 losses and a 7 game series is a "choke." Then again, this kid is obviously a moron and thinks any series loss = choke. Sorry. Not so.

Here's a twofer! The first guy does have a point; none of us have played professional hockey at the NHL level. But we have watched it. For years - and so we do know what it's like. We've seen guys take brutal hits, pucks to the face, sticks to the face, bad checks, etc etc, and get back up and play on. Remember Eric Belanger? Dude takes stick to the face, pulls out teeth on bench, doesn't miss a check. Or Duncan Keith? Dude takes a puck to the MOUTH...goes back, gets stitched up, and plays on. Sidney Crosby takes a clean check from the side and decides he can't play anymore.

The second guy was the stupidest comment on the video. He's right though; if only I was as big and strong and tough as Sidney Crosby. If only I had the ability to crosscheck guys from the back...or punch dudes in the nuts to win fights. See, that's my problem; I only fight from the front. Though I can't skate, I'm more than certain I wouldn't need to quit the game after taking a check. I'm a big, strong guy. Sidney Crosby? Not so much.

I'm taller than him too.

....God, is it October yet?

The Detroit Red Wings: What They Mean to Me

2010-07-14T19:42:00.000-07:00

During the past few years, you've come to Beards of War for hockey related comedy, satire, snark, and sarcasm- ...alright, that's wrong. Over the past...er, month, you've come here when you're bored at work and looking for time to kill. And for a quick chuckle. And that's what I'm usually good at, because it's a style I'm comfortable with.

However, in this entry, I've decided to go out of my comfort zone with a SERIOUS Red Wings post. During my travels throughout the Detroit blogosphere, I've noticed other bloggers and fans discussing what drew them to this team; whether it was by choice or whether they grew up with it.

I guess I just figured since I know a pretty good number of people read this, perhaps you'd like to know why I like...no, LOVE the Red Wings.

I guess I'll start at the beginning. I was born at the ass-end of 1985, so my memories of the "Dead Wings" era or missing the playoffs are practically non-existent. In fact, I believe my earliest hockey memory of any sort was a Red Wings/San Jose Sharks game from either 1992 or 1993. I don't remember who won. I don't even really remember many of the players, except for Steve Yzerman. I know this because my dad told me. I still didn't really get it. I'm just like, "oh, okay. That's cool."

My dad's been a Red Wings fan for as long as I remember; longer than I've had memories. He's more a Wings fan than a hockey fan; you know, doesn't really know anything about other teams, but could tell you a lot about the home team. His only memories aside from ones about the Wings have to do with rivalries. I remember this mug he got from Dunkin Donuts that had Paul Coffey on it. It was a Coffey Mug. I remember asking him "who's this?", and he responded "That's Paul Coffey, he plays for the Red Wings."

"What's a Red Wing?"

"It's a wheel with a wing on it. They play hockey."

"Oh. That's cool he makes coffee too! And his name is Coffey!" He just kind of laughed at that. I really didn't get it. I seriously thought Paul Coffey made coffee. 15 years later, I realize now that Tim Horton was the coffee guy. Though let's face it, Paul Coffey should think about starting up a franchise. Coffey Coffee. They could open up next to Pizza Pizza. I dunno.

These are my earliest sports memories. That, and going to Detroit Tigers spring training in 1992 in Florida and receiving a pen and a hat from a guy talking about the "new" expansion franchise coming to Miami soon. That's how I became a Florida Marlins fan, by the way. Hand out free crap to kids and they're fans for life. I have faint memories of the Detroit Pistons bad boy era too.

But as for hockey, we didn't have cable or any decent television coverage, so watching hockey games on TV was very rare; we either had to go to parents' friends' houses or restaurants. We got cable in 1994 and moved into the city in 1995. Having cable was a trip. Having ESPN in my own bloody bedroom was weird. Those were the days when Nickelodeon didn't suck, and thus, I was preoccupied with that instead of hockey. I regret that. Those were the days I also played outside with my friends...which I also don't do anymore.

I do remember 1997 and 1998's back to back championships. I remember my dad saving one of the newspapers from my paper route in '97 because it was the one with the Red Wings on the front. I was excited for them, even if I didn't know anything about the team. It's the home team! I remember him talking about the brawl that occurred that March. That's when I understood there was a rivalry between Detroit and Colorado. I didn't like Colorado.

I remember seeing the news when Vladdy Konstantinov was in that accident. I remember being bummed. Severely. Again, I didn't know why. It was the home team, I guess.

I remember seeing them lift the Cup in '98 and I saw Vladdy hold it from his wheelchair. Seriously uplifting.

Unfortunately, my hockey memories between the fall of '98 and fall '01 are nonexistent. We moved into an apartment in 2000, and then to Battle Creek, Michigan in the spring of 2001.

That March, my dad received a job offer from the FAA. The government. They were going to relocate him.

To Denver, Colorado.

At first, I liked the idea. We'd finish out the school year in Battle Creek and then my brother, my mom and I would join my dad and go house hunting in the summertime. I was 15 years old at that time and had lived my entire life in suburban Michigan. I wanted to see what life was like with the mountains and the thin air...and the Avalanche fans.

I thought this would be fun. I hoped it would be fun. It was a little tough, given it was my third high school in one year's time, not to mention leaving all my friends behind and moving 2,000 miles west of where I'd lived all my life. There's really no other way to go about it than to go into it with a good attitude. Where else could I go?

Unfortunately, the kids at my high school didn't much care for me. They weren't as friendly as I would've liked. In fact, that's an understatement. They were downright horrible. I don't really talk about this much, but it adds to the story...so I guess I have no choice. Here goes.

*exhale*

When we moved to Colorado, I was roughly 5'7" and close to 300 pounds. I was a fat kid. The Colorado kids made sure I knew it. The entire school year, I was called names from passing cars; beached whale. Fatty. Godzilla. Lardass. You name it. I had things thrown at me from cars; bottles. Cans. Garbage.

I was beat up more than a few times my dudes much taller and stronger than me. I still don't know why. I was threatened with further violence and with death. Fortunately, they were too cowardly and coked up to follow through with anything more than what they already did.

My self-esteem was already on very shaky ground by just moving out there. I was always a very shy kid, and I still am. But at least people in Michigan didn't hate me because I was fat...or whatever reason.

The fact they didn't hesitate to do that stuff in front of my younger brother killed me too. The fact he couldn't do anything but look at me with a sad expression or say "sorry" as they called me names and drove away or whatever sucked even more. How are you supposed to look at your older siblings when they're being dehumanized right in front of you?

Those guys didn't even know me.

Needless to say, I didn't have any friends. I hated going to school. I hated leaving my room. I don't know how many times I'd sit in my room and cry about my life; at 15 years old. Kind of pathetic now that I look back on it. I'd sit and wonder what was wrong with me. What had I done to upset them? Did I exude something that was automatically unlikeable?

I wanted to die. I wanted to kill myself. I thought I was better off dead. I did not want this life anymore. I thought there was no way out.

We'd take day trips into Denver, and I wouldn't talk. All I would say is "I want to go home." I didn't like being out in public anymore. I didn't like people even glancing at me, because I assumed they were judging me. It's sad what I'd become.

As school was winding down, I started to watch the Stanley Cup playoffs. When I first tuned in, Detroit was playing St. Louis. They ended up winning that series in 5 games. That's not to say I didn't watch the occasional game when I could; this was the first year I actually knew who was on the team!

The next round is one you should remember. And it's why I love the Red Wings.

The Western Conference finals of the 2002 pitted the Detroit Red Wings against the Colorado Avalanche. It seems sort of symbolic for me now, just because it was Michigan versus Colorado, which is how I saw my situation. I'm a Michigan boy caught in the awful state of Colorado.

The Colorado Avalanche represented everything disgusting and horrible and wrong with the world. The Colorado Avalanche were sin. The Colorado Avalanche were pestilence. They were the assholes beating on me. They were the guys throwing their pop bottles at me from their moving car. They were the coked up morons telling me they were going to slit my throat if they saw me again.

The Detroit Red Wings were the heroes. Steve Yzerman was the glowing god with the glowing sword. Every time they won, I gained hope. Every time they lost, I died a little. When it went to a Game 7, I was on pins and needles. I'd never hoped for anything more in my life. I wanted them to crush the Avs, and I wanted them to do it with an exclamation mark.

They didn't disappoint.

Holmstrom.

Fedorov.

Robitaille.

Holmstrom again.

Hull.

Patrick Roy, the king of all douchebags on the douchebaggiest team in the douchebaggiest city in the douchebaggiest state in America, gets PULLED.

Oh, but we're not done. Olausson on the powerplay.

And Pavel Datsyuk on the powerplay.

7-0. The Detroit Red Wings didn't just beat Colorado, they crushed them. They chased Patrick Roy. They were going to the Stanley Cup finals.

I watched this game alone in my room while my parents and brother were out at a party. No one was there to see me bawl like a little girl as I watched *MY* Red Wings celebrate beating the Colorado Avalanche.

Steve Yzerman and his crew had thwarted all that was wrong with the world.

It gave me hope. Maybe *I* could beat this Colorado thing too.

Through finals week at school, nothing could bother me. I didn't listen to the kids. I wore my Red Wings shirt to school for the first time ever. I caught so many dirty looks and so many threats. But I didn't care. MY team was better than THEIR team. I watched the Wings play the Carolina Hurricanes. I watched them lose Game 1, but I didn't see them lose any more after that.

I remember triple overtime.

I remember Game 5. My favorite game of all time. I remember all the goals.

I remember Brendan Shanahan's empty netter with 45 seconds to go. "SCOOOORES!!! BRENDAN SHANAHAN!!!!"

I remember Gary Thorne's call: "...THE DETROIT RED WINGS HAVE WON THE 2002 STANLEY CUP!"

I remember it vividly. I don't know how many times I've replayed it on YouTube since then. But to this day, it still gives me goosebumps. It still almost makes me tear up.

To me, this wasn't just a hockey team playing a hockey game for a hockey prize. They were playing for me. They were playing for me stuck behind enemy lines, with no hope. They gave me hope. They gave me something to be happy for. They gave me something to believe in. I believed in them. They didn't let me down. They won it all.

And they won it for me.

....

A happy footnote to this story; that fall, the FAA offered my dad a relocation back to Michigan. He accepted.

We left Colorado forever on September 22, 2002.

I was back home. In Michigan.

Colorado left its scars and its damage, but I survived...thanks to the Red Wings.

All these years later, I still have an undying love for the team that pulled me through the most difficult period of my young life. It's something that'll never go away, because it can't. They're my heroes. And they always will be. The faces and names may change, but the love never will.

And that's what the Red Wings mean to me.

Beards of War reacts to Chicago's Adventures in a Salary Cap World

2010-07-13T14:20:00.000-07:00

The Blackhawks recently decided to match San Jose's offer sheet to RFA Niklas Hjalmarsson. Chicago, the team whose cap situation, if were realized visually would look not unlike flaming Vietnamese orphans, decided to resign a 6th defenseman for 3 and a half million dollars over 4 years.

This leaves the team with roughly $100,000 in cap space with which to sign 7-8 more players to have a minimum roster.

The league minimum's about $500,000. And of those 7-8, one is Antti Niemi.

$100,000.

And now, our reaction:

AAAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAAA HAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAA

AHAHAHAHAHAHA. HA. HA. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AHAAHA

AHAHAHAHAH. AH. AH. okay.

done.

....

....

....AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

......AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHA

...AAAAAAAHAHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.......

Not enough H's and A's. So I'll let Tom Hanks finish it.

Way to go, Stan Bowman. Way to go.

Derek Boogaard = Peter Gibbons

2010-07-06T21:29:00.000-07:00

Have you ever seen Office Space? I hope you have. It's one of my favorite movies. If you haven't, in a nutshell, it's a comedy about three guys working at a software company office in the late 90s who hate their jobs. At one point in the film, the main protagonist, Peter Gibbons, goes with his girlfriend to see an occupational hypnotherapist and Peter, normally sort of high-strung, is placed under a relaxing trance. But before the obese hypnotherapist can snap Peter out of this trance, he succumbs to a heart attack in the middle of the session, leaving Peter stuck in the trance.

Peter is now completely relaxed in his life and starts skipping work, uncaring of the consequences and preparing to start his lifelong dream of "doing nothing." Anyway, at one point in the film, while arriving at work to pick up some things before leaving, he is reminded by his friend Michael that he has an appointment with some consultants. Peter goes in to see the two men and is completely brutally honest about his slacking off at work, his displeasure with his multiple bosses, and admits he just doesn't care.

Now I know, this is a hockey blog and not a film blog, but here's my point. During the consultant scene, Peter admits: "I'd say in a given week, I probably only do fifteen minutes of real, actual work."

One could say the same of Derek Boogaard.

And that is the point of that story.

If you're one of those who purposefully avoid the tragically hilarious, then you might now know that that genius GM of the Rangers, Glen Sather, recently signed known totem pole Derek Boogaard to an ACTUAL SERIOUS CONTRACT worth $6.6 million over 4 years. This for a guy who has scored as many goals in the last four years as I have. Dude hasn't even played a full season in the NHL yet. I'm guessing Sather thinks money grows on trees. Or in his own ass.

That's right. Derek Boogaard is getting paid $1,625,000 this upcoming season.

A goon.

Over a million and a half dollars.

Y'know, if Peter were making that kind of scratch, he probably wouldn't have needed to see a hypnotherapist, nor would he hate his job. I mean, C'MAAN.

Assume Boogaard plays in 60 games. Assume he plays 7 minutes a night. That's a total of 420 minutes, or 7 total hours. Seriously, give this man's agent a medal and a bologna sandwich, because if I were paid 1.625 million for 7 hours of work, I WOULD NOT BE PUTTING MY ENTIRE FUTURE IN DEBT IN COLLEGE. $3,869 a minute. Think of all the 900 numbers you could call if you made that kind of scratch. $232,140 an hour! Try and get THAT at McDonald's!

And to complete the film reference from earlier...think of all the new red Swinglines you could get.

R.I.P. Bob Probert - One Tough Sonofabitch

2010-07-05T14:22:00.000-07:00

It's confirmed; former Red Wing and Blackhawk enforcer Bob Probert died today after collapsing on a boat in Lake St. Clair.

It's actually very hard for me to try and formulate some kind of "tribute" or anything with my words; mostly because his time with the Red Wings started in 1985 (when I was born) and ended before I was 8 years old, so my memories of him and the team at that time are fuzzy at best...so if I tried to make some big, emotional tribute, it would just come off as cheesy and dishonest.

However, this doesn't mean I totally lack any memory of him at all. Not to mention the internet has given us the YouTube, so all the old fans can go back and rewatch some of the classic Probert brawls against guys like Tie Domi. That's how I went back and "relived" Probert's best moments and how I became "re-enamored" with the man.

Or...y'know, there's also "Battle of the Blades." Probert was such a dude, he could make figure skating manly.

This also doesn't mean I won't say some kind words about Probie. So here goes.

There may never be another enforcer like Bob Probert; he was the best. He wasn't a "goon" whose only job was to go out, get in a fight, and stay on the bench the rest of the game. Probert was a "don't fuck with my team" guy. He played and lived hard...maybe a little too hard. His issues with drugs and alcohol are well-documented, so I don't feel I should bring them up right now. All I can say is I hope they weren't involved with his passing today.

My friend Sylvia used to tell me stories about Bob Probert hanging out in her basement when she was growing up in Windsor. Helluva guy.

How many enforcers nowadays could score 29 goals and 62 points in a season, IN ADDITION to 398 penalty minutes? None. They just don't make 'em like they used to, and nor will they. It's a different era, anyway.

I've always been the type who falls hard into nostalgia, and all the pictures one can find of Yzerman next to Probert definitely hit home. Sometimes I wonder what it'd be like if Probert had stayed with the Wings when they won their Stanley Cups...or what it'd look like to see him lifting said Cup.

So to the greatest fighter to ever don the Winged Wheel OR the Injun head - I say rest well, Probie. May you find the peace we've all wished for you. Also, if there is a heaven, and if there is a God, and if you're there with them both, make sure you keep 'em all safe. We all know you could. Also, punch St. Peter right in the face, he's getting a little cocky. Take his sainthood away too. I think "St. Probert" sounds better, anyway.

To the cosummate teammate and enforcer.

Bob Probert. One tough sonofabitch.

The (Hilarious) Implosion of the 2010 Stanley Cup Champs

2010-07-03T08:09:00.000-07:00

When the Chicago Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup, it was a dark day for humanity. But when we realized that their horrendous contracts would soon catch up to them, it got a little better.

But what we didn't know was just how bad it would be for them...and how hilarious it would be for us.

So many of their regular season and playoff heroes have been traded off for peanuts, and while Blackhawks fans seem so quick to dismiss these players as worthless (when just two months ago they were GODS AMONG MEN...typical bandwagon response), we all know what they meant to the team.

What's also hilarious is watching these hockey n00bz get angry without having any real understanding of how the salary cap works or the sheer idiocy of their own front office.

Ah, bandwagoners....

Beards of War has produced this short film attempting to detail just how much of the team has been sold off in order to pave the way for more mediocre players with smaller salaries.

Man, that salary cap's a BITCH, ain't it?

SIDNEY CROSBY IS A BRILLIANT LEADER and other hilarious exaggerations

2010-06-25T15:06:00.000-07:00

Y'know, Andy over at Fight Night made some good points about why Sid Crosby was a good choice for Mark Messier's "Leadership" Award. Go take a look, and then come back here. I'll wait.

....

I know, right? Isn't that funny? And totally correct as well, I might add. Does anyone out there actually believe Sidney Crosby is captain material, let alone all-round NHL *leadership* material?

Does he lead by example? No, not really. Unless you count the guys who score a majority of their easy goals from the side of the net, thereby avoiding getting pummeled by the opposing defenseman and then acting like they did something amazing.

No, unless any of the member would take a check in a Game 7 Stanley Cup Final and promptly leave the ice as if you're in immense pain and proceed to sit out the rest of said game, but manage to dash out and dance around with the Stanley Cup.

No, unless any member of the team would be on the ice in the final game of the season to score two goals *for yourself*, without a win for the team in your mind. Is selfishness/gloryhogging something a young player should look up to?

Sure, he's talented, but he's not the embodiment of a leader.

Who cares, the Messier award isn't a real award anyway. The way it really was, is that Sidney Crosby wasn't going to be awarded an actual NHL award with real prestige, so they're like "Hey Mark Messier, quit crying for a moment, we have a proposition for you. In an effort to keep up the illusion that Sidney Crosby is someone that should be looked up to, we want you to give him your tinfoil-wrapped chocolate trophy. But be careful, Las Vegas is hot and it might melt and you might cry about it." Mark Messier did not like these jabs, and cried about it.

Something else I'd like to rant about? The Richard Trophy.

Now now, I know this isn't an award that's voted on, and that's not my problem. My problem is the sheer laughability of Penguins/Crosby fans claiming he deserves it more than Stamkos, the reason being that Stamkos has more empty net goals than Crosby.

Really? Are we going to pick and choose these things to fit our asinine opinions? For one thing, let's not forget that when a team pulls their goalie, an empty net goal is not guaranteed. 95% of the team, you have to escape the six men on the ice in order to even make the shot. And as I alluded to earlier, I would wager a majority of Sidney Crosby's goals were tip-ins from the side of the net, which is PRACTICALLY an empty net since the goaltender is looking the wrong way. But fine, you're right. Empty net goals are "not real goals", and therefore should not count as a point.

And while we're at it, let's eliminate secondary assists. Seriously, picture this. Sidney Crosby is fluttering around with the puck, and gets checked by an opposition defenseman. He loses the puck, but a teammate comes and scoops it up before anyone on the other team can get it. Two of his teammates slide up the ice on a two-on-one rush (while Crosby is limping to the bench like a pussy), all the while passing with amazing precision, dazzling the one defender back. One of the teammates dekes the goalie beautifully and puts it in the net. Is it exactly *fair* to the teammates that did all the work up the ice to get the same amount of points as Crosby did, when all he did was get checked off the puck?

Or for that matter, how about we eliminate assists being worth ANYTHING? Seriously, imagine Crosby getting checked off the puck again, but this time, one of his teammates skates solo up the ice, breezing past the defenders on a breakaway. Deke, deke, through-the-legs goal. Beautiful. He gets one point for the goal. Sid Crosby gets one point for the un-assist. Is this fair?

The answer is Yes. Because it's hockey. An assist is an assist, no matter if it's a beautiful pass or a clumsy shot gone wide. And as such, a goal is a goal, no matter if it's into an empty net or a beautiful top shelf shot that goes in off the post, a weak five-hole poke, a tip-in from the side, or a blast from the left circle. Both put the puck in the net 51 times.

NHL Awards 2010 Recap

2010-06-23T16:28:00.000-07:00

7:30 PM - Awards open with Snoop Dogg ..uh, rapping. His shirt's got an old NHL logo. Y'know. The orange one with the downward sloping letters. Also a bunch of numbers. Travis Barker's on the drums. Even my closed captioning doesn't know what the fuck Snoop's saying. Probably something about ass. They got some clips of hockey stuff going on though.

7:32 - Introducing everyone at the show. Nice to hear "Ron MacLean" and "Ed Olczyk" are NHL legends. Also Cirque du Soleil performing to The Beatles. That's hockey.

7:34 - Oh hey, it's Jay Mohr. Talking about Keno. That's also hockey. Also said "Cindy Crosby." Makes a Phoenix joke. Nice. Also claims he loves hockey now. Okay.

7:35 - "Laugh it up, Bruins fans, we laughed at you in the playoffs." Nice job. Also showed Bettman laughing. That makes me cry.

7:38 - Jay Mohr introduces Mark Wahlberg for the Calder Trophy. ("HEY CALDER TROPHY. HOW'S IT GOING? WE SHOULD DO A MOVIE TOGETHER. ....SAY HI TO YOUR MOTHER FOR ME.") Have to say, Jay Mohr did a good job with the jokes. The exchanges with the Sedins was quality.

7:41 - Tyler Myers wins the Calder. He deserves it. Still feel Jimmy was robbed and voters were hypnotized by Tyler's size more than anything.

7:43 - Tyler Myers is still talking. They're trying to play him off with the music. Also realizing Tyler Myers' neck is taller than I am.

7:44 - Luc Robitaille and Natasha Henstridge presenting the Selke award. A little awkward.

7:45 - DAT'S MY BOY! Datsyuk wins the Selke. No question. Now we get a Datsyuk speech! "I want to thank the management for paying me. I wish you'd never stop." Hahahaha.

7:47 - Showing Henrik Sedin with the Art Ross Trophy.

7:49 - George Strombolipopolopodopolous interviewing Patricks Sharp and Kane in some d-bag lounge. Kaner's lost his mullet, thank God. Still a douche. He's a manwhore. He's gonna get drunk with that showgirl later...and beat her up for change.

7:50 - Cirque du Soleil performing to The Beatles. I ...I just don't know.

7:53 - CDS just ended. Thank God, I have no idea what's going on. Feels like I have a hair in my mouth. Oh hey, it's Jay Mohr.

7:54 - Ron MacLean and Ted Lindsay about to hand out the Ted Lindsay Award.

7:56 - AO! Ovie wins the Ted Lindsay Award! Russian machine never break...and doesn't lose. Except in the playoffs. Dedicates the trophy to his dead brother. That's sweet.

7:57 - Black guy from "Daily Line" shows up, but Ovie wasn't done. Finishes speech, now black guy talks.

7:59 - Presentation about the Vancouver Winter Olympics, a comedy skit featuring Bobby Ryan and Ryan Getzlaf. About Getzlaf being a dick to Bobby because of his "silver." Dammit, why'd I giggle? I hate Ryan Getzlaf.

8:02 - Stamkos and Crosby presented with the Rocket Richard Trophy. Stamkos is very white. Rosby is very woman.

8:06 - John Slattery coming out to present the Jack Adams. I liked Joe Sacco better when he sang for the Mighty Mighty Bosstones.

8:07 - Absolutely no surprise, Dave Tippett wins the Jack Adams Award. Maybe Barry Trotz could win it some day if he got a neck. Tippett: "This is a time where people stand up and thank their owners, I would do that, but I don't know all 29 of them." Ouch!

8:09 - DB Sweeney and Jamie Kennedy presenting the Vezna...er. That's Vezina, Jamie. Awkward banter. Kennedy was playing blackjack, apparently. DB wins the "faceoff" to name the winner.

8:11 - OH FUCK YES! RYAN MILLER WINS THE VEZINA! The pride of East Lansing! Michigan pride, baby, all day. Drew Miller gets a shoutout in the acceptance speech.

8:14 - Marty Brodeur with the Jennings Trophy. As soon as that lady gets done interviewing him with it, he's going to eat it. And her. And not sexually.

8:19 - Jay Mohr with a Tracy Morgan impression. Random. Oh, now a Shinedown performance. Time to go take a leak.

8:31 - Apologies. I went to eat. Missed the Masterton Trophy award...went to Jose Theodore, who I understand gave an emotional speech. Now Jay Mohr in a bad Norm MacDonald impression introduces Jerry Bruckheimer, who is introducing the King Clancy trophy.

8:34 - It goes to Shane Doan for his leadership/community presence. Some Army dudes are presenting him with the actual hardware. Cool beans. Humble dude, not afraid to poke fun at Phoenix's situation either.

8:36 - Ugh. Hawks with the Cup. Like watching a frat guy fondle your ex.

8:38 - Some people from some ABC show introducing the Lady Byng Trophy. Closed caption said "Leddybing." Interesting.

8:40 - Marty St. Louis wins the Lady Byng. Not surprised; highest points to PIMs ratio in the league. Fifth straight nomination, first win. Owes it to Brad Richards, because "Christmas cards to the referees work real well." Marty St. Louis is a funny guy. HIGHLY underrated.

8:41 - Crosby wins the Messier Leadership Award. What is this, I don't- Crosby? A leader? "Lead the NHL since the lockout"? ARE YOU BLOODY KIDDING ME. At least Crosby admitted when he looks for leadership, he looks to Steve Yzerman. Then again, so has everyone else in the past 20 goddamn years. He's only the most complete player...no, complete MAN ever.

8:45 - Oh gross, it's Ed Olczyk. Wonder if he's gonna show us his Blackhawks thong. Ed Olczyk is a really close talker. JR: "If you had to sit next to Mike Milbury and listen to him talk for four hours, you'd cry too." HAHAAHAHA.

8:47 - Duncan Keith wins the Norris. Again, no surprise. That's like putting up a human being versus a raccoon and a trash can in a "What's Taller" contest.

8:49 - They're cutting off Dunks with the music. He says "FUCK YOU I'M STILL TALKING." Suck it, awards show protocol.

8:50 - Ryan Miller wins the NHL Foundation Award and accepts a big novelty check from Gary Bettman. Funny, the check is actually bigger than the commissioner...it probably makes better decisions, too.

8:51 - Jay Mohr's brilliant Christopher Walken impression into a Goo Goo Dolls performance. John Rzeznik looks very drunk, but I love the Goos, so all is well.

8:54 - Convinced John Rzeznik is drunk. He looks even more like a lesbian than he did 10 years ago.

8:57 - Guy LaFleur out to announce the winner of the Hart Trophy.

8:59 - Guy LaFleur announces da weener of d'Art Mem'reel Trophy is HENRIK SEDDIN. Er...Sedin. Good job. Henrik basically also tells his brother to "suck it."

9:01 - S'IT, GOOD NIGHT.

Let's see how I did.

HART TROPHY:
I predicted: Henrik Sedin
Who won: Henrik Sedin

VEZINA TROPHY:
I predicted: Ryan Miller
Who won: Ryan Miller

CALDER TROPHY:
I predicted: Jimmy Howard
Who won: Tyler Myers

LADY BYNG TROPHY:
I predicted: Martin St. Louis
Who won: Martin St. Louis

SELKE TROPHY:
I predicted: Pavel Datsyuk
Who won: Pavel Datsyuk

JACK ADAMS TROPHY:
I predicted: Dave Tippett
Who won: Dave Tippett

MASTERTRON TROPHY:
I predicted: I didn't.
Who won: Jose Theodore

TED LINDSAY AWARD:
I predicted: Sidney Crosby
Who won: Alex Ovechkin

MESSIER LEADERSHIP AWARD:
I predicted: Shane Doan
Who won: Sidney Crosby

All in all, either these awards were very predictable, or I made smart picks. Sidney Crosby can suck it regarding the Leadership award, because Shane Doan got a leadership award too, and his was presented by real live fucking soldiers. Tyler Myers was worthy of the Calder, but if it were me, I would've voted for Jimmah. But hey, the good news is now he doesn't have to live up that post-Calder hype like Steve Mason could not do.

Also? Jay Mohr. Funny. A lot better than anyone thought he would be. Good jokes, impressions not terrible. Still questioning Cirque du Soleil, but whatever. Good show. Better than last year.

Beards of War presents: NHL Awards 2010 Predictions

2010-06-23T11:37:00.000-07:00

Tonight in Vegas, the stars come out. And by that, we don't mean Sidney Crosby finally admits what many of us have suspected for years. I mean it's time for the NHL Awards. Trophies awarded for the best players in the best sport Canada has to offer, and it only makes sense for the ceremony to be held in...Las Vegas. You may have heard that tonight's show will be hosted by Jay "Hockey Sucks" Mohr, who has recently been on the Tweetz trying to show how down he is with the hock (see also: selling out) by attempting to learn about Kyle Wellwood jokes. I'll believe it when I see it.

Side note: Anyone else find it absolutely hilarious they're having trouble *GIVING* tickets away to the NHL Awards in LV? Never have this problem if this shit was still in the T-Dot, Gary. I love these twists of fate. I bet he sees "Well, they won't come to an award show, but I bet if we relocated a team here from a place where they really love hockey and let it stagnate for 15 years, they'd come to know it exists! Let's find some pathetic senile investor group who doesn't mind losing half a billion dollars first!"

I wonder why Gary thought Vegas was a prime place for a hockey award show. Does Canada lack in celebrities who give a shit about hockey and/or washed-up singers like Chaka Khan? Is it because you couldn't get Snoop Dogg in Toronto? Does he have some drug-related charge he can't cross the border because of? Fuck it! Look at the A-list Canada has to offer! Kiefer Sutherland! Dan Aykroyd! Don Cherry! Howie M-..Mandel! Uh...Brent Butt? Um...oh, Alan Thicke! Anne Murray? Fuck yeah, man. You could also get Drake and Justin Bie-...you know what, never mind.

Let's get to the awards.

THE HART TROPHY.

The Hart Trophy is given to the player who is judged to be the most important to his team. Does this necessarily mean being the best player on a team absolutely loaded with talent? Because that's what you get with Crosby and Ovechkin. Henrik Sedin was the highest scoring forward in the NHL last season on a team that's "pretty good." In my opinion, he was the MVP of his team. Washington can win without Ovechkin (which they had to, due to questionable suspensions), and Pittsburgh has no problem winning without Crosby. When Malkin is missing, either literally or figuratively, so go the Penguins.

Prediction: Henrik Sedin.

THE VEZINA TROPHY.

The Vezina Trophy is the NHL's award for best goaltender during the regular season. It's practically a requirement to have 40+ wins and a .92x save percentage to even be nominated for the bloody thing. This year, we have Martin Brodeur (aka the BESTEST GOALIE LIKE, EVER LOL), Ilya Bryzgalov, and Ryan Miller. Brodeur got through the season with a 45-25-6 record with a 2.24 GAA and a .916 save percentage. Good numbers for a 38 year old fat guy. Ilya Bryzgalov (of Phoenix. Lol I know, rite) boasts a 42-20-6 record with a 2.29 GAA and a .920 save percentage. In Phoenix. And Ryan Miller of the Beefalo Swordslugs has a 41-18-8 record with a 2.22 GAA and a .929 save percentage.

Great numbers all around. Brodeur obviously benefits from the schemes Jersey has implemented, but that's not to say he's not a tremendous goalkeeper. This award comes down to Miller and Bryzgalov. Many will give it to Bryzgalov simply because he plays in Phoenix, where the only tradition (besides whiteouts...and white power) is sucking. Ryan Miller, however, is Buffalo's MVP. He is every year. He's absolutely stellar in every sense. He may not have the most wins of the three, but his save percentage/GAA are the best. You have to take those into account. That is why Ryan Miller gets this one.

Prediction: Ryan Miller

THE NORRIS TROPHY.

No Lidstrom. TRAVESTY. Mike Green gets nominated for an award for "best all-around defenseman", Lidstrom is denied, and I die a little inside. For that, I don't care. Fuck this trophy.

Prediction: Duncan Keith, but who gives a shit.

THE CALDER TROPHY.

Count Matt Duchene out. I mean, he was good, but this is really about Jimmy Howard and Tyler Myers, and any hockey pundit will tell you that. Myers had some impressive numbers for a rookie defenseman, not to mention getting a shitload of minutes and powerplay time. 11 goals, 37 assists, and +13. Damn impressive. However, Detroit's St. James Howard kicked off his rookie career with a 37-15-10 record with a 2.26 GAA and .924 save percentage. If he had 4 more wins, he'd be in Vezina territory as well...and he'd probably win. For the winner of the Calder however, I am looking at who had the biggest impact on his team.

Tyler Myers. Would Buffalo have made the playoffs without him? Probably. Ryan Miller was a force this year. You could give some of the credit for that to Myers as well though. However, the Red Wings lived and DIED by Jimmy Howard. Given the ridiculous multitudes of injuries to key players, the mediocre defense at times, and the downright shoddy officiating, Jimmy Howard came through and he came through big. I know this is irrelevant, but of the three Calder nominees, Jim got his team the farthest. Just saying. Of all the rookies, Jimmy Howard had THE biggest impact on his team. Without him, Detroit would've missed the playoffs for the first time in 20 years. Don't let the media fool you. Myers is far from a lock for this one.

Prediction: JIMMAHHHH

THE LADY BYNG TROPHY.

Ah yes, the "gentlemanly play" category. Our own Pavel Datsyuk has won this bad good boy four years running. Can he make it a fifth? Brad Richards of Dallas and Marty St. Louis of Tampa are his competition...it always seems to be Datsyuk, St. Louis, and someone else, doesn't it? Well, you'd be correct, this is his fifth straight nomination as well. All three players posted incredible seasons, with Marty having a 94 point season playing alongside Steven Stamkos. He also only had 12 penalty minutes. Brad Richards had 91 points and 14 penalty minutes. Datsyuk had 70 points and 18 penalty minutes. You could state the case that half of Pavel's penalties were questionable (which they were) and the refs should've trusted their eyes to Dr. Rahmani, but that doesn't matter much now. I'm thinking Datsyuk's streak will end, and Marty St. Louis will finally get his damn trophy.

Prediction: Martin St. Louis

THE FRANK J. SELKE TROPHY.

The trophy for the league's best defensive forward, here's where Datsyuk is king. He's once again nominated, along with Ryan Kesler of Vancouver and Jordan Staal of the Pittsburgh Crosbys. First, I'm counting out Ryan Kesler. Yes, 75 points is great, but you're not going to win a "best defensive forward" trophy when you're sporting a +1 goal differential, not when your competition are +19 and +17. Plus, if you have 100+ penalty minutes, you're not spending as much time playing defense as you are spending it in the fuckin' box. Staal's got the +19, is pretty good on faceoffs. He also had 41 takeaways. Wait. 41? Pavel Datsyuk had 132, and led the league in them AGAIN. He won more of his faceoffs than Jordan Staal. He had 89 hits and 33 blocked shots. Staal had more hits, and 8 more blocked shots. To me, the tremendous disparity in faceoffs and takeaways give this one easily to Datsyuk.

Prediction: Pavel Datsyuk

THE JACK ADAMS TROPHY.

Who cares? Mike Babcock is the best coach in the NHL and we all know it. But he's not nominated because Detroit can win without him. That's why he will never be nominated and will never win. Whatever. Of Barry Trotz, Dave Tippett, and Joe Sacco, it's Tippett all day. No question.

Prediction: Dave Tippett.

THE MASTERTON MEMORIAL TROPHY.

This is a tough one; the trophy for the player who best exhibits dedication and perseverance. As much as I'd like to say "they're all winners", that's not how it can work and we know it. Plus, that's cheesy. The nominees this year are Washington's Jose Theodore, Tampa Bay's Kurtis Foster and San Jose's Jed Ortmeyer.

Ortmeyer is nominated because of his dedication to hockey despite a hereditary blood-clotting disorder.

From NHL.com:

The veteran forward not only has to work hard each shift to ensure he has a place in the NHL, but also battles a challenging health condition that requires daily attention. At some point each day, Ortmeyer must use a needle to inject a blood thinner directly into his stomach to combat a hereditary blood-clotting disorder that has threatened not only his hockey career, but also his life.

....

The process is tricky and the timing must be precise. The blood thinner, Lovenox, needs to be in his system during the down time when he's not on the ice and it needs to be out of his system when he plays or practices so that a hard check or a high stick does not cause fatal bleeding.

Fuck. That's some heavy shit. There's really nothing else I can say about that.

Kurtis Foster is nominated because in March 2008, he hit the end boards weirdly and shattered his leg. Destroyed it. He wondered if he'd ever play hockey again, it was that bad. NHL.com again:

"After understanding exactly what kind of surgery he underwent, he later would admit that he realized he was lucky to even walk again."

And somehow, he hangs onto his hockey dream, comes back and plays rehab stints in Houston, and goes back to the Wild and puts up 7 points in 10 games. Then, in the offseason, he signs with Tampa Bay and sets a career high 42 points, also blocking shots and sometimes playing forward. All of this after destroying his leg and going through dangerous surgery. Fuck.

Jose Theodore is nominated not just because of his charity, Saves for Kids. Sure, he donated cash based on every save, win, and shutout to the NICU at Children's National Medical Center in Washington, D.C., but this is all after also losing his infant son who spent his entire life in said hospital. I can't even begin to comprehend what it feels like to lose a child (Kurtis Foster also lost an infant daughter this past year), but playing through it and becoming stronger from it is beyond anything.

Hockey players are really something else in the world of athletics; they're selfless players for the most part, but some of them are near heroic. As lame as it may sound, I don't want to pick a winner here. It just feels like it'd be slightly demeaning to the other two I didn't choose.

It's safe to say though, I have a shit ton of respect for these three guys.

Prediction: ---

THE TED LINDSAY AWARD.

You know. The Lester B. Pearson Award. The "most outstanding player" as voted by the NHLPA. And surprise, surprise, Rosby is nominated. There's your winner.

Prediction: Bitch

THE BRIDGESTONE MESSIER LEADERSHIP AWARD.

Crosby, Shane Doan, and Ryan Miller are up for this. And I know a lot of my Wings fan friends will hate me for this, but Shane Doan will win this one. Let's face it, the man's a great leader. He's tough, he can score, and his goal face is second to none. Never mind he flies around the ice nailing everyone. You know if he were on the Wings during that series doing that shit, you'd have LOVED it. ...well, maybe not the dirty hits, but the energy and childlike enthusiasm? His team followed that.

Prediction: Shane Doan

Well, that's all for now. Check back later for a recap of the awards ceremony, including how bad my predictions turned out to be, when it's revealed that Sidney Crosby will actually win every single award. Even the ones he's not nominated for!

"Hockey Sucks" hosts "Hockey Awards"!

2010-06-16T18:47:00.000-07:00

Another fine decision by (what I'm assuming is) Gary Bettman. Even if it's not, let's blame him anyway.

Looks like Jay Mohr is hosting the NHL Awards this year. Strange? A little, at least he's a sports guy, so it's an improvement over last year (lol Chaka Khan). Even if he does hate hockey. Or he used to:

"I am freaking PUMPED to be hosting the NHL awards! NHL players are the world's best athletes." - jaymohr37

Okay, Jay. You're beginning to sound like Pittsburgh in '09 and Chicago in '10 with that quick opinion turnaround. Let's calm it down, soldier, and stop pretending this doesn't have everything to do with those big bags of money.

I kid, I kid. I'm a fan, Jay Mohr.

But I'm still obligated to post this:

So that Holland guy is coming back

2010-06-16T14:29:00.000-07:00

Yep. Ken Holland's back. So is Jim Nill.

This isn't really a shock or surprising news to anyone, and it shouldn't be. I mean, Holland's been with the team FOREVER, and has been GM for 13 years. The team's winning and it's making money. Why *wouldn't* those guys be coming back?

It's really kind of amazing how well Holland's done in his role as general manager. Four Stanley Cups, countless banners, and the most successful hockey franchise of the last 25 years...not bad for a former NHL goalie who never won a single game.

But is this *cool* news or not? I would say yes, but I am not the cool authority, but I know who is. My amigo, Franzie. Hey Franzie, what do you think?

EYYYYYYY~

Haha. Alright! Franzie likes it.

Jonathan Toews: NHL 11 Coverboy?

2010-06-14T19:15:00.001-07:00

Word on the Tweetz is that EA Sports' monstrously successful NHL series has a coverboy for NHL 11... and it's Jonathan Toews.

Nice face, by the way.

Yes, that means it's two years in a row a Chicago Blackhack has disgraced the cover of our beloved hockey game. Don't get me wrong, Toews isn't a bad choice for a video game cover. He's accomplished quite a lot in spite of his young age. He's a much better choice than Patrick Kane was last year.

But two years in a row of Chicago? Is EA testing the resolve of hockey fans who don't buy into the "flavor of the month" that pervades the NHL nowadays? How about we do a different team every year? I'm not entirely convinced Toews was chosen for this AFTER his Conn Smythe win and Chicago's first Stanley Cup in a half century. What's next year, Brent Seabrook? It's better than Crosby, I guess, but come on!

I'm of the opinion that Ryan Miller should've been on the cover. No goalie has graced the cover of an NHL game since John Vanbiesbrouck did in 1997, and even then, he played for the fucking Panthers. Ryan Miller is perennially a fantastic player, and this year, an Olympic hero.

Even Steven Stamkos would've been a good choice. He tied for the league lead in goals last season with 53. A great young player who is only going to get better.

I don't necessarily think a Detroit player should have been on the cover, but if we're going for sheer talent and a list of trophies, Henrik Zetterberg fits the bill. Or even Pavel Datsyuk.

But nope. We're stuck with Chicago.

Again.

BRB. Vomiting with rage.

Nicolas Cage visits the 2010 World Cup

2010-06-14T12:17:00.000-07:00

A lack of puck sure is boring, so in order to keep our minds off it, here's an arbitrary video we have of film star Nicolas Cage visiting the World Cup down in South Africa! Watch out for them vuvuzelas, Nic.

Is Patrick Kane 12 years old?

2010-06-14T08:37:00.000-07:00

For almost a week now, good and decent hockey fans everywhere have been wondering to themselves (and the rest of the internet) just how the Chicago Blackhawks managed to win the Stanley Cup. I mean, in the "good and decent God" sense; as in, "what sort of loving creator would allow such a terrible 'fanbase', a fanbase made almost entirely of bandwagoners, fairweather fans and Vince Vaughn, a fanbase that constantly and consistently flies the middle finger and other smaller, less impressive and more useless appendages in the face of the Hockey Gods, what sort of deity would allow that base to host the Stanley Cup?"

As I stated somewhere else, the Hockey Gods were either dead or asleep last season. That fucking mural still pisses me off. The fanbase is awful, but that damned mural...and their star player is a total dudebro.

Good ol' Patrick Kane. Hangin' out shirtless in limos. Drinking lots of cristal and champagne on ice and beer like it's the cool thing to do, and not merely a way to help forget the shame and total failure your life has become.

Think about it though. General disrespect for the working man? Bad hairstyles? Youthful appearance? Walking around with no shirt on? Chugging a couple beers? PEACH FUZZ? It all means one thing - Patrick Kane is 12 years old.

It's not as crazy as you think. We tracked down this interview taken on an off-day during the Cup finals. Listen to that voice. Is it true? Could Patrick Kane really be pulling one over on the whole NHL? Is this like one of those shitty Disney movies where some prepubescent pimply-face fuckstick plays in the major league through some contractual loophole or through a disguise that NO ONE IN A BILLION-DOLLAR CORPORATION SEEMS TO NOTICE? "Rookie of the Year"? God, what a shitty movie.

I digress. You be the judge.

The other option is that Patrick Kane is a eunuch, which...well, you look at that mullet and tell me "maybe" isn't an option.

Video: Crosby/Bettman in inflammatory propaganda?

2010-06-11T20:52:00.000-07:00

Many of you have probably seen the video making the Internet rounds of Ugandan pastor Martin Ssemba's ridiculous slideshow denouncing the private activities of homosexuals.

We at Beards of War have uncovered what appears to be a discarded version of the above video, using footage of NHL postergirl Sidney Crosby and his/her daddy Gary B. Bettman. Parental discretion is advised:

DISCLAIMER: Neither Whoabot or "Gears of War" condone prejudice,hatred, or witch-hunting against any group, regardless of race, gender, mental capability or sexual orientation. Only hockey fandom affiliation.

Hostis Humani Generis.

2010-06-09T19:25:00.000-07:00

So...

...hey, Wings fans...

...how's things? All's good? No? I didn't think so. Today sucks. The Chicago Blackhawks have won the Stanley Cup. CHICAGO. You know, the team that in all 80+ years of existence have only managed ~~three~~ four Stanley Cups, this one in in 2010 and the last in 1961?

Furthermore, Marian Hossa has won the Stanley Cup. Marian freakin' Hossa. You know, the guy who's a pretty good player during the regular season, but his postseason bed has been shat in so many times, you'd think it was located in Betty White's house? Yeah, that guy. The glory chaser...has a yellow visor?

Hockey season is done for the year, and for the second straight year, a fanbase made mostly of bandwagoners and fairweather fans will get to cheer as their team brings home hockey's ultimate prize and we're subject to months of "HAHAHA WINGS FANS SUCK IT DEAD WINGS U GOLF U GOLF U GOLF". Let's face it, things kind of blow right now.

And that's kind of why I picked this time to start this blog, because things can't really get any worse, and I believe Gandhi said it best when he said, "High holy living dick, what the FUCK is this shit?!"

But the good lord knows you can't live your life being negative. So let's swallow the bile creeping up in our throats and offer a congratulations to all the Blackhawks fans who have stood by their team, even when they sucked. So to all four of you, I say congratulations. Savor the moment. Because when cap hell hits you in the summer, you're fucked, buddies.

Let's take a little solace in the fact that the NHL's Central division is once again the most dominant, even if the stupidest fart-sniffing team in the division won it all. So yes! West is best, and the East can suck it. The Wings fans who backed their division to the Cup made the right choice. Unfortunately, you backed Chicago, which is a sin. And for those who are still excited, calling Kane and others "your boys", or by saying "WE won", you're suspended from the Red Wings fanbase until further notice. Patrick Kane should never be anyone's boy, because he's mean to cabbies. And a douche. And he has a mullet. And I have this authority.

The Chicago Blackhawks are one of the NHL's most historically bad franchises, and this year's Cup wins definitely puts them on the list of hockey's elite. I mean, Christ, you won a Stanley Cup for the first time in nearly 50 years. That puts you guys on a list of puck powerhouses like the Tampa Bay Lightning and the Calgary Flames! AND you did it in the salary cap era, so you're even up there with the Carolina Hurricanes! You guys should be super proud of yourselves!

Let's not forget to mention all of the "Dead Things suck" and other various totally clever Red Wings-related chants and insults are completely warranted now. Never mind the fact that you only have four Stanley Cup wins in your history (the same as we have in the last 13 years), never mind the fact this is only your third straight year making the playoffs (we have 19), never mind the fact that the Blackhawks have a historically losing record in both the playoffs and regular season, YOU are the Stanley Cup champions! And I know, you see all these stats I've just shown, and you say "it's irrelevant, Mr. Red Wings man, as a Blackhawks fan, I don't live in the past, I live in the present!" to which I say SMART MOVE! If I were a Blackhawks fan, I wouldn't want to live in the past either, because...well, come on. That's not even because most current Hawks fans have no knowledge of the team prior to 2007.

But hey. It's a new season coming up. Shit, we got the draft. That's gonna be exciting, especially when we draft before Chicago, who will no doubt draft a total bust. It's a lot easier to get super special players when you draft in the top 5 every year, eh? We also have July 1st, which will be like fucking Christmas when the current Blackhawks squad enters CAP HELL. Enjoy that.

But seriously (and I mean this), and on a far less bitter note, I do know a few Blackhawks fans who have been so as long as I've known them. Enjoy it, guys. Lord knows you've waited long enough, and there's really nothing cooler than seeing those fans rewarded after all the disappointment they've had to endure, especially amongst the bandwagoners and fairweather fans. It sucks for us Wings fans, seeing you hoist that Cup just across the lake, but rest assured it will be ours next year.

And at least Marian Hossa didn't score the winning goal.

And at least Sidney Crosby didn't win it again.

And at least it stays in the Original Six.

And at least it stays in the West.

And finally, at least we didn't have to hear fucking "Chelsea Dagger" again. Thank Christ.

See you at the draft. Red Wings for LIFE.